Those Who Survive
by ladygris
Summary: He survived Sunday against all odds.  Can he survive the struggles he now faces and the choices others make?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing related to Stargate: Atlantis or any of it's characters. I'm just playing in their sandbox. All OCs (except one) are my fault, however.

**Author's Note: **So, about halfway through writing "Hands in the Darkness," I started this story. It took several weeks and the introduction of a phenomenal OC for me to get it off the ground, however. Sarah MacKenzie, the OC featured here, is not my creation. She originally appeared in **pisces317's** story "Return to Pegasus" and is used with her permission. Also, a huge thank you to **theicemenace** and **pisces317** for the beta on this story. You have both made it much better than it was. :) As always, I hope everyone enjoys reading! Now, on with the story! ~lg

oOo**  
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He woke slowly, becoming aware of one thing at a time. The first to penetrate his consciousness was an annoying hiss. It changed pitch every few seconds, and he tried to ignore it. Then, a soft beeping intruded with the hiss, irritating him even more. He tried to open his eyes, but his eyelids felt sealed to one another, almost as if he'd slept for an incredibly long time. As the sounds around him grew, he started feeling things.

Pain. Agony. His back and legs burned like nothing had ever burned before. And he lay on his back. Trying yet again to open his eyes, he managed a blurry glimpse of a screen before the weight of his eyelids became too much. He tried to focus, to concentrate on what had happened, but his bleary mind slipped way too easily into the darkness again.

A tug on his back, accompanied by sharp pain, pulled him out of the darkness. He drew in a deep breath, tasting the plastic that had been put in his mouth. He blinked, but his eyes never truly opened. He'd been turned while asleep, and he tried yet again to open his eyes. Once again, he saw blurry images, some of them moving around him.

A voice, seeming distant and almost like he was underwater, came from above him, and he tried to focus. Another voice intruded, both of them discussing something. Him? Perhaps. Or perhaps it was simply his condition. Which was? His mind finally started making connections, and he vaguely realized he must be in the hospital. But why? And why did it hurt to move anything? He tried, but the pain nearly rendered him unconscious.

The next time he woke, he was once again on his back. The tube had been removed from his mouth, and he felt a bit more like himself. Or so he thought. He couldn't know as it was very difficult to keep his eyes open. But he managed and found himself looking into blue-green eyes and a happy smile. The woman, brunette and seeming incredibly familiar, touched his shoulder, the one place it didn't hurt. He tried to smile at her, and he blinked three times before his eyes closed. _Sorry_, he tried to say. But he wasn't sure it ever made it out of his mouth. Just before he fully drifted to sleep, he heard her voice. Warm. Capable. And using his name. He smiled at her words.

_You'll be fine, Carson. Just rest. We'll get you through this._

oOo

Elizabeth turned from the hospital bed to look at Jennifer Keller. "Is he. . .?"

Keller, the interim CMO, shrugged. "He's definitely stabilized, but I'm not certain what his prognosis will be. He took quite a blow to the head in that explosion, and our instruments can only tell us so much. He is waking from the coma, but that will take time."

"Time." Elizabeth nodded. "Thank you, Doctor." She turned to go.

"Dr. Weir." Keller's voice stopped her. "Why didn't you send him back to Earth after the explosion?"

Elizabeth looked at the man in the bed and shook her head. "I don't know." She narrowed her eyes. "He's a good friend to all of us, but. . . ."

And she couldn't explain her decision any more than that. Even with all of the Ancient technology on Atlantis, Carson should have been sent back to Earth for the months of medical care he'd require. Instead, she chose to have him put in an isolation room on Atlantis while his burns healed. Dr. Keller had done a fantastic job of keeping him alive and treating his wounds. Now that the risk of infection had passed, he'd been moved into the main infirmary where he was closer to medical staff. Sheppard visited daily, as did Rodney, Teyla, and Ronon. Radek made frequent trips, though it wasn't a daily thing for him. And Elizabeth also managed to get by for just a few moments. Keller had told them that people in comas may be able to hear what others are saying, but it hadn't been proven. So, each of Carson's visitors had filled him in on events after the explosion that left him in critical condition.

Elizabeth had come today to tell him that Sheppard and his team wouldn't be by to visit. They had a mission come up at the last possible moment, a visit to the Taranans to figure out why they'd ceased all communications with Atlantis. Before that, it was an underwater trip to the Ancient drilling platform. Elizabeth still shuddered when she thought of that disastrous mission. They'd almost lost the entire planet in that little incident. She'd told Carson of Teyla's experiences in the Wraith queen's mind, and she'd made sure he knew Teyla would be okay. Even in a coma, Carson Beckett was a medical doctor.

But today was different. Today, he opened his eyes when she touched his shoulder. He'd seemed confused, but the progress was good. At least he'd responded to her touch. Turning to Keller, she said, "Keep me informed."

Keller nodded and allowed her to leave the infirmary. Since the explosion that almost killed Carson, Elizabeth had read everything she could get her hands on about comas and coma patients. Contrary to popular entertainment, coma patients often woke slowly, becoming aware of more things as their minds healed. And Carson had taken quite a blow to the head. If he hadn't been in a coma already, Keller had stated she would have put him into one. It allowed his body to heal from the severe burns, as well as letting the medical team perform several skin grafts on the more badly damaged areas of Carson's body. Keller had said it was a miracle the man had even survived, much less survived without losing body parts. Elizabeth shuddered at the idea while reminding herself that he had pulled through by sheer willpower. Or so it seemed. While he may have some mobility issues due to scarring, Carson should be able to resume his duties as Chief of Medicine on Atlantis. She didn't want to consider the alternative: he could have died.

Satisfied with her visit to the infirmary, Elizabeth settled behind her desk and began looking over the most recent reports. She had piles of paperwork to wade through, but she took a moment to whisper a quick prayer of thanks for the progress Carson had made. Atlantis just wouldn't be the same without him.

oOo

Carson woke again to find someone beside his bed. A man with a round face and still-healing burns chatted about something, but Carson could make out nothing he said. The man was familiar, but he just couldn't seem to figure out who he was. The beeping of the heart monitor seemed loud in the silence.

The man glanced up and realized he was being watched. "Hey, Doc!" He moved, and Carson realized he was in a wheelchair. "Doc?"

Motion drew Carson's gaze as a pretty blonde woman rushed around the corner. She started to ask the man what was wrong, but she caught sight of Carson's eyes first. "Dr. Beckett." She smiled and moved to his side, leaving the man to watch in the background.

Carson moved to take her hand and ground his teeth together as pain erupted. He felt the tug of burns along his shoulders, not to mention the IV in his hand. "What 'appened?"

The woman smiled at him. "You were in an explosion. You're lucky to be alive."

An explosion? _Flames surrounded him, and he dove behind the wall, covering his head with his arms._ Carson blinked away the memory and tried to look at his hands. His arms seemed relatively burn-free. "How bad?"

The woman took a deep breath. "Bad." She shook her head. "You shouldn't have survived."

Carson shifted in his bed, cringing yet again when the burns along his back rubbed the white scrubs he wore. "How?"

"We don't know." She touched his shoulder. "You should rest."

Carson nodded but didn't give in to sleep. "How long. . .?"

"Three weeks." She met his eyes. "You've been in a coma for three weeks. We've done various surgeries, and you should heal quickly with the help of some recent discoveries by Dr. McKay. But it's going to take a while for you to be able to run this infirmary again."

Run the infirmary? What was she talking about? _The machine beeped at him, recording the pulse of the man lying unconscious before him. "Making first incision now." His voice sounded strong, but he was shaking. If he didn't succeed with this operation, a man was dead._ "I'm a doctor?"

The woman nodded. "Dr. Carson Beckett, Chief of Medicine on Atlantis. You've been in the Pegasus galaxy for three years."

"You?"

"Jennifer Keller, your assistant." She smiled. "Now, rest. As you recover, you'll remember more." She left something unsaid, but Carson's mind filled in the blanks. _I hope._

The man in the wheelchair rolled to his side. "Hey, Doc, I know you're supposed to be sleeping. But I wanna say thanks. For, you know. . . ."

Carson nodded as he drifted back to sleep. He never got to ask the question rolling around in his head. _Pegasus galaxy?_

oOo

John Sheppard walked through the gate angry and ready to murder someone. And not just anyone. One particular person—Wraith—whatever. Michael had killed his men, and he needed revenge for that. From the look on Ronon's face, the Satedan also wanted revenge.

Elizabeth rushed down the stairs. "Are you alright?" She frowned as the gate closed down. "Where are the Marines?"

"Didn't make it." Sheppard barely resisted growling at her.

"What?" Elizabeth blinked.

Rodney moved forward, sporting a clumsy bandage on his face. "We barely made it ourselves. We had to commandeer a Wraith dart just to dial out."

John realized that Elizabeth would need more than that. "We ditched it on another planet. Didn't want to risk damaging the control room. _Daedalus_ can pick it up later."

"What happened to the Taranans?"

Ronon, tired of the questions, growled. "They're dead—all of them." He stalked out of the room.

Elizabeth held up a hand. "Wait a minute. Lieutenant Negley sent a message saying they'd just relocated to a new settlement."

Teyla shook her head. "No. It was Michael. He sent the transmission. He's the one that killed the Taranans."

"Michael?"

John felt sorry for Elizabeth. She likely saw their frustration and weariness, not to mention that they needed to make the obligatory trip to the infirmary. He raised a hand. "We'll tell you about it in a minute, but first. Is the _Daedalus_ here yet?"

"It's still a few days out." Elizabeth frowned. "Why?"

"We're gonna need it to make another stop on the way."

"Okay." Elizabeth fell into step with him and his team as they headed for the control room. "John."

He stopped and glared at her, trying to get across his message that this was important. "What?"

She met his eyes. "It's Carson." As his heart sank, she smiled slightly. "He's awake."

John exchanged glances with Rodney. "Go."

The physicist bolted from the control room, and John knew he'd be at the doc's bedside for the rest of the day. Rodney had taken Carson's injuries the hardest. The two had planned a fishing trip for their mandatory day off three weeks ago, but Rodney had bailed at the last moment. As a result, Carson had been on hand to remove an explosive tumor from Dr. James Watson. John knew it was only that the Marine bomb tech had the cooler with the tumor in it partially inside the containment unit that Carson had survived. He'd still been severely burned and put into a coma thanks to sliding into the wall head-first.

John turned to Elizabeth. "How is he?"

"He's good." She shrugged. "Dr. Keller says he's actually talking today, but it'll be a process. People in comas just don't wake up and resume their lives overnight. It takes some time."

"At least the worst of the burns are behind him."

"We hope." Elizabeth shook her head. "He may never be the same."

John fell silent, refusing to think about it. Carson had to survive. There was no other choice. Not after all they'd gone through. He turned his attention to the communique he'd prepared for the _Daedalus_, and planned to visit Carson later in the day. For now, he had work to do.

oOo

Carson blinked at the man at the foot of his bed. Messy brown hair that stood on end seemed to be the only non-military thing about him. He wore a black t-shirt and seemed to be struggling with with his emotions. Carson frowned. "I'm sorry. You are?"

"John." The man walked forward. "How are you, Doc?"

"Oh, you know." Carson looked around. "Dr. Keller says my memory should return in time, though maybe not totally."

John nodded. "Doc, I know you're not feeling the greatest, but it's good to see you awake."

"Aye." Carson blinked slowly, feeling sleep tugging at him. He'd awakened for the first time yesterday, and he somehow knew that it would take a week or more for him to stay awake longer than a few moments at a time. As before, however, flashes of the explosion came back to him. He'd remembered Dr. Watson, though he'd needed a reminder of the man's name, and working at the site of the first explosion. And Teyla. He clearly remembered the piece of shrapnel he'd removed from her side. His memories had a dream-like effect to them, feeling more like nightmares than dreams. But he saw their return as something good. Maybe it was.

As he lay there, his mind supplied yet another memory. John's full name. As a doctor, he knew that the human mind often shut down as a way to deal with injury, and a full "reboot," for lack of a better term, could take some time. "Colonel Sheppard, you are not responsible for this."

"I know." John gave him a slight grin. "You remembered my name."

"Aye." Carson also smiled. "It's coming back to me."

"Good." John frowned. "I'll let you rest." He turned to walk away.

"Colonel." Carson waited while he returned. "Rodney told me about today."

"He did?" John faced him again. "He should have kept his mouth shut."

"It's alright." Carson lifted a few fingers in his own way of waving away the concern. "I'm glad he did."

"You are?"

"Get some rest, Colonel."

This time, John's smile covered his face. "You got it, Doc."

Carson settled back on the bed, barely holding his eyes open until after the colonel disappeared. Then, he allowed them to close though he didn't drift to sleep immediately. It felt good to be alive, pain and all. Letting his head sink into his pillow, he reviewed the little bit that Dr. Keller had told him, as well as the information that was apparently hidden in his mind somewhere. His recovery would be difficult. But he would make it.

He drifted to sleep smiling and already planning his first reunion with his mum after this.

~TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Carson woke to Rodney sitting at his bedside. He blinked, feeling the residual grogginess of the medications Jennifer had given him. Not that he wouldn't have willingly taken them. Yesterday, while Jennifer and Marie changed his bandages, he'd nearly cried at the pain. He'd been able to keep his wits about him, but the welcome shot of morphine through his IV was enough to make him smile.

Now, Rodney sat with his computer on a table, munching on a sandwich as he worked. Carson eyed his friend, not really hungry and amazed the man could eat like that. "'ello, Rodney."

Rodney startled at his soft greeting, dropping the sandwich on the edge of the keyboard. Rather than fussing, like normal, he simply swallowed the too-large bite he had in his mouth and tried to smile at his friend. "Hey. How are you?"

"Oh, you know." Carson glanced around as much as he dared. Being in a coma left his mind completely blank. "Just peachy."

Rodney snorted.

Carson moved a hand to point at the computer. "What are you doing?"

"Just. . .working." Rodney's eyes shifted just enough that Carson smiled. Or, rather, tried to. The burns along his neck stretched painfully. Rodney caught the smile-turned-grimace and rushed to explain. "Just something to make things right."

"Make what right, Rodney?"

"This." Rodney motioned to the infirmary in general and Carson's bed in particular. "You. I'm really, really sorry. I should have just. . . . ."

"Hey. This isn't your fault." Carson shifted again on the bed, biting back the groan and trying to hide the grimace just so he could face his friend a little better.

"You're just tellin' me what I want to hear."

"Well, that's what best friends do sometimes." Carson saw Jennifer headed his way. "And in this case it also happens to be true." He turned to face Keller. "Hello, love."

"Hey, Carson, how are you?"

Carson exchanged a glance with Rodney after hearing the similar question from the doctor. "In a wee bit of pain, but otherwise. . . ."

"Just peachy," Rodney said irritably. "How do you think he's feeling?"

Jennifer ignored the physicist. "Carson, we wanted to talk to you when you woke up."

"You're sendin' me back to Earth," Carson guessed.

"Well. . . ." Rodney looked guilty.

Carson shrugged ever so slightly. "I'm surprised you didn't before now, Rodney. I should have returned once I was stable." He saw the glances between Rodney and Jennifer and realized the decision had been taken out of their hands. "Never mind. What's been goin' on?"

"I found something," Rodney said. He held up a device that looked somewhat like one of the handheld Ancient scanners Carson had used time and time again in the infirmary. "From what I can tell from the database, it's some sort of. . . . I don't know what you'd call it. . . . dermal regenerator."

Carson frowned at him. He still had a lot of medications flowing through his bloodstream, but even _he_ knew it was highly unlikely. "Excuse me?"

"What? We've found life-sucking space vampires, people who can heal themselves because they're machines, devices that make explosive tumors. Why can't we find something good for a change?" Rodney's glare turned from Jennifer to Carson. "Anyway, we think it can help you."

Carson regarded Rodney skeptically for a few more moments before looking at Jennifer. "An' what do you say about this?"

"I think it's an incredible opportunity." Jennifer glanced at Rodney one more time. "From everything I can tell, it should work. Maybe not on the severe burns, but. . . ."

"It'll take the scarring from your face, at least," Rodney said tactlessly. For once, Carson couldn't blame him even though he knew Rodney could have used a little discretion with that statement.

"And you want _me_ to be the first to use it?"

"Of course." Rodney rolled his eyes. "Carson, look, you're not going to be hurt by it. I've already tried it myself."

"You _what_?" Jennifer asked.

"Excuse me?" Carson said at the same time.

"What? Just on a little cut, nothing really." Rodney wiped his hand on his trousers like he was trying to wipe away blood and turned to pick up the device. "So?"

Carson let out a sigh and nodded. It might not have been the best thing for him to agree to, but it would help his friends. And, if he ever did get the chance to return to Atlantis, the scarring on his face wouldn't distract from his duties. "Fine." He turned his head toward Jennifer when Rodney activated the device.

At first, it felt like something itched as the device hummed next to his ear. Then the itch turned to a burn and tug. He closed his eyes, grimacing but allowing Rodney to continue. Just when the pain got to where he was ready to call a halt—though it in no way compared to the unmedicated pain of the burns on the rest of his body—the device stopped humming. Rodney sat back, and Carson turned his head gingerly, realizing that area of his neck no longer hurt. Jennifer rushed around the bed to look and then stared at Rodney in shock.

"Well?" Carson asked impatiently, though he felt the effects of the pain medications still in his system.

"I'll be. . ." Rodney cut off the curse when Jennifer nudged him. "Let's get the rest of this done."

"Did it work or not?"

"It worked, Carson." Jennifer touched his shoulder. "It worked better than I thought. Looks like you weren't even burned in that area."

Carson blinked at her. "You're sayin'. . . ."

Rodney blinked himself back to practical matters. "Just let us—me—work on the rest of your face, and you'll be fine."

Jennifer touched the physicist's shoulder. "Rodney, you're sure this only works on. . . ."

"Yes, I'm sure!" Rodney frowned. "At least, relatively. I mean, you could try it on some of his more severe burns, but I don't know how effective it'll be. Or what the side effects are."

"Side effects?" Carson frowned. "You just said it's harmless!"

"It _is_ harmless." Rodney waved the device in his face. "Ready?"

"No, not if—Ow!" Carson squeezed his eyes shut as Rodney unceremoniously activated the device again, this time over a portion of his face. He lay there, letting the physicist treat his wounds, blinking away the strange burning/itching sensation every time Rodney stopped. They got through his entire face and shoulders before Jennifer called a halt to the session.

Rodney handed the device to Jennifer. "You'll have to get one of your nurses to use this thing on the rest of him, because I am _not_ seeing that much of him. Ever!"

For the first time since he woke, Carson smiled without pain. "Well, thank you, Rodney." Though he said it sarcastically, he meant it. Every word.

Rodney turned and caught the expression on his face. "You're welcome." He escaped the infirmary before anyone else could say a word.

oOo

Sarah MacKenzie let out a deep breath as she strolled into the infirmary for her shift. She'd pulled the swing shifts this week, and she hated the odd hours. Her sleep schedule had been interrupted, and she wasn't sure how to solve the problem when she'd always been a light sleeper. Of course, one would never tell these thoughts crossed her mind as she kept her pace even and her expression bland. It was a lesson learned when she was young, and she'd perfected it all the way through university. Now, she used it and carefully applied makeup to hide how poorly she was sleeping.

"Sarah." Dr. Jennifer Keller's voice interrupted her thoughts as soon as she cleared the infirmary doors. "Would you help me with something?"

"Of course." Sarah knew it wasn't a question, but she answered it as such. She'd worked for many doctors, and all except Keller had treated her with disdain. Most of them knew her father, however, and usually assumed she'd been given her job on his name, not her own merits. With Keller, it was different. Sarah arrived on Atlantis two weeks ago, amid a massive crisis in the infirmary. The city's Chief of Medicine had been involved in an explosion, resulting in a coma that they didn't know if he'd ever wake from, and Keller had stepped up to the plate. Sarah managed to glide through a week of day shifts before order settled back into the area. In that time, Dr. Carson Beckett had awakened, though he'd been kept isolated from the rest of the infirmary.

Now, Sarah followed Keller to the rear of the infirmary, where the more severely wounded patients were kept. Keller held a device that looked vaguely like the Ancient scanners the nurses and doctors used in the infirmary, but it had an extra piece attached to it. She also wore a very determined expression on her face, almost like she was about to do something she didn't want to do.

At the back of the infirmary, but still close to the main nurse's station, Keller stopped next to a cubicle that had been curtained off from the rest. Soft voices came from inside, one of them with a Scottish accent, and Sarah smiled. She'd spent time around Scots before, and she recognized an educated man when she heard one. The conversation topic changed, however, when Keller cleared her throat. The curtain was pulled back, revealing Colonel Sheppard and Teyla, two people that Sarah met within an hour of her arrival on Atlantis. The man in the bed looked from Keller to Sarah, and he let out a deep breath.

Keller smiled apologetically. "Colonel, I'm going to need you and Teyla to step out for a bit."

Sheppard nodded once. "Right." He turned to the patient. "Take it easy, Doc."

Teyla touched the man's other arm. "I will see you later, Carson."

"Aye." The patient smiled, and Sarah barely kept her own smile from her face. She'd met people like him before, those who just lit up the room by walking through the door. They'd also gotten her in trouble in the past. Not that she thought Carson Beckett would be like that. From everything she'd heard of the man, he was the epitome of discretion.

As the two visitors left the infirmary, Keller held up the device in her hands. "It's time."

"Aye." Dr. Beckett's eyes went from Keller to Sarah as he repeated the word. "Oh, and who is this?"

Sarah saw Keller turn to her, knowing a response was expected, but she couldn't speak just yet. She'd never seen a pair of blue eyes that bright, and they sparkled in spite of the pale face and weak voice. Hoping she hid the surprise, she smiled. "Sarah MacKenzie."

"MacKenzie?" He let the name roll off his tongue. "Scottish?"

She let her smile widen. "The name, yes. Me, no. I spent most of my time in either London or New York City."

He grinned at her, revealing a dimple in his left cheek. "Either way, it's a beautiful name, love. Welcome to Atlantis."

"Thank you." Sarah saw Keller roll her eyes. Not wanting to upset the acting CMO, she reached for a more professional tone, hoping her instant attraction to this man would fade with time. "It's different."

"Aye, that it is," he agreed, his accent making it sound like he said "i' 'tis." "Carson Beckett." He slowly held out a hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Beckett." Seeing the stiffness in his movement, Sarah carefully shook his hand, smiling again when he gave her a strong squeeze. His blue eyes held hers, and she wondered if he could see straight through her. At least, that slight smirk on his face seemed to indicate he could. And, with a thin scruff around his jaw and lips, he was easily the most attractive man on this base.

Keller interrupted the moment. "Okay, Carson, stop flirting with the nurses. You know what we need to do."

In an instant, he changed. "Aye, love, that I do."

Trying to recover her distance, Sarah gratefully accepted Keller's instructions. She was to stand on Dr. Beckett's right side, helping him roll toward her while Keller used that device on his back. Her nurse's training took over, and she carefully held his hand as he used her strength as leverage for the movement. It clearly caused a lot of pain based on the way he clenched his jaw and the lines around his eyes that deepened, but he let out a deep sigh of relief when they managed to get him in position.

Keller unlaced the back of Dr. Beckett's hospital gown and opened it, revealing burns in various stages of healing. Those up near his shoulders were virtually gone, with only minimal scarring in places. Further down his back, however, the wounds got worse. Keller was careful to keep his blankets above his waist, but what Sarah did see made her want to cringe. Instead, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly, her way of keeping the emotions hidden behind a blank mask. Dr. Beckett kept hold of her hand, and she suspected he used it as much for human contact as for balance.

"Ready?" Keller asked. When Dr. Beckett gave a weak nod, she pressed a button. A blue light came from the hand-held device, and Keller moved it over the edges of newly-healed burns. Sarah watched in amazement as the wounded skin apparently healed itself.

"It's really an amazin' piece o' technology." Dr. Beckett's voice startled her, and she glanced down to see that he'd been watching her face. "It works by. . . ." He stopped and hissed, his hand involuntarily tightening on hers. "It works by stimulatin'. . .the body's. . .natural healin' abilities. . .to rapidly repair. . .damage." He cringed again.

Keller glanced up, her expression sympathetic. "Carson, I know this hurts. But I can't help it."

"Aye, I know, love." He tried to smile, but it looked more like a grimace to Sarah. "I understand."

Keller met Sarah's eyes. "This device works on most wounds save the incredibly deep ones, but it heals from the inside out. Which means multiple treatments over the course of weeks."

Sarah nodded. "One small area at a time."

"Yes."

The trio fell silent with just the hum of the device as it worked over Dr. Beckett's back. Keller spoke once to warn him that she was about to begin working on a deeper injury and received a curt nod in response. Sarah felt Dr. Beckett tense when the device reactivated, but he didn't make a sound other than to let out a low growl. His hand tightened on hers, though, and she looked down to see his eyes squeezed shut and his jaw clenched. Tears had gathered in the corners of his eyes, a testament to the severity of the pain, and Sarah put a hand on his shoulder. There wasn't much that she could do, but she suddenly wanted to do everything she could to help him.

oOo

When the treatment finally ended, Carson lay back onto his bed in sheer relief. He ached from the tension in his body, and he knew the poor nurse likely had a sore hand. But he'd been unable to keep from clenching her hand so tightly when Jennifer touched one of the deeper burns. They'd been taking these treatments slowly, working on the lighter burns first, but today had been the hardest day yet.

Now, Sarah bustled around his bed, straightening the blankets and fluffing his pillows. She kept a blasé expression on her face, but she smiled when he met her eyes. Unable to summon the strength to do much more than smile, Carson nodded. "Thank ye, love."

She touched his shoulder. "You're welcome, Dr. Beckett."

"Call me 'Carson.'" He chuckled mirthlessly, wanting to find something to focus on besides the pain. The burn had been deep, and he still felt the itch _inside_ his body where he couldn't scratch. It would fade in a few hours, but it really irritated him right now.

Sarah glanced at him sharply and then seemed to accept his words. "Very well." Her voice was a rich alto, not throaty but still sultry. He closed his eyes and thought that he could listen to her read. . .well, anything so long as it wasn't his patient chart. He didn't want to know everything that was wrong with him right now.

A soft hand landed on his shoulder, and he opened his eyes. Sarah stood next to him, her blue eyes meeting his own. "Would you like something for the pain?"

"'Tis not necessary." He let out a deep breath, thinking of the one thing besides morphine that managed to calm the ache left by Rodney's device. "Though an ice pack would be lovely."

Sarah nodded and left his cubicle, unaware that he watched her. Even in his weakened condition, he recognized a beautiful woman, and Sarah MacKenzie would turn heads wherever she went. Delicate, chiseled features, straight blond hair swept up in a stylish bun, clear blue eyes rimmed with dark lashes, minimal makeup, and a saucy tilt to her head would definitely attract more attention that she'd want. Part of him wanted to protect her, and the other part of him wanted to ask her out. Shaking his head at the dichotomy, he closed is eyes and waited not so patiently for her to bring that ice pack.

He'd managed to doze—his body's way of ignoring pain—before she returned. Her soft footsteps brought him out of his thoughts, though, and she positioned the ice pack while causing very little pain. Finally, she stepped back and stared at him. "If you need anything, let me know," she ordered.

"Aye, that I will." Carson offered one final smile. "But I think I'm goin' ta rest for a wee bit, let some of that pain wear off."

"Good." Her hand landed on his shoulder one last time, and she squeezed gently before leaving him alone. Carson watched her leave again, a smile on his face. When the pain from the healing device had become almost unbearable, she'd begun unconsciously rubbing the back of his hand with her thumb. Carson had never noticed a woman's hands before, not in this way. In spite of the agony, they had been cool and capable, giving him something on which to focus that didn't burn, ache, itch, or otherwise cause discomfort.

The ice pack slowly worked its magic, and he let out a deep breath as the itch faded. It was an odd feeling, really. One he'd never thought he'd get to feel. But he knew he'd make an almost full recovery when he should have died. He supposed he should be grateful for that.

He drifted to sleep thinking about Sarah's blue eyes and wondering when he'd get the chance to see them again.

~TBC.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** I sincerely apologize for how late this chapter is. I had RL take over today, and it just let off a few moments ago. Either way, enjoy the next chapter! ~lg

oOo

Jennifer asked Sarah to help with Carson's treatments again the next day. This time, he was prepared for her appearance and felt a bit more alert. Whether or not he looked it was a different story, however, and he appreciated her reserved smile and cool hands. Still, when Jennifer began the treatment, he had a difficult time holding the pain at bay. He lay on his side, ironically thinking of the time he'd treated Rodney for an arrow in his behind. At the time, Carson had told the physicist that he'd never seen a "bigger baby." Now, he lay clinging to Sarah's hands the way Rodney had clenched that pillow on the _Daedalus_.

After the treatment ended, Carson breathed a sigh of relief and nodded wordlessly to Sarah as she helped him roll onto his back. The treatments were necessary, and he felt his body heal a bit more every day. But he couldn't help wondering about the side-effects of that device or if he could handle the pain when they reached the worst of the wounds. He'd recovered most of his memory on the event, though the moments just after the explosion were still a bit fuzzy. He remembered being thrown by the blast wave, burning, and sliding into a wall. Jennifer told him that they'd found him buried under a pile of rubble, shrapnel embedded all along his back. The worst of the damage was from his waist down, where a heavy beam had fallen and pushed the shrapnel deeper into his legs. Surgery had repaired most of it, but he had muscular damage in his left leg that Jennifer doubted would ever fully heal. His prognosis with this Ancient healing device was good, but he'd always have a slight limp. Or so Jennifer hoped. Only time would tell, and the only reason he'd remained on Atlantis was for the treatments. Otherwise, he'd have been sent home a week ago.

Sarah returned with an ice pack, bringing Carson from his thoughts. She gave him another reserved smile when she appeared. "Yesterday, you said this helped."

"Aye, it does," he agreed. He found it difficult to smile following most treatments, but Sarah's appearance made it easy. He grabbed the safety rail on his bed, using what little strength he had to lift his body enough for her to ease the pack under the newly-healed wound. When he finally settled back, he let out another relieved breath. "Thank ye, love."

"You're welcome, Doc—Carson." She touched his shoulder, her thumb moving back and forth as if to rub away his pain. "Is there anything else you need?"

Carson wanted to ask her to come and just visit for the joy of listening to her voice. He'd finally placed her accent late last night, after thinking about the few facts he could recall from when he'd hired her. She'd spent a good portion of her young life in London, but her teen years had been spent in New York City. As a result, she had a rather unique accent that combined both worlds. Now, he shook his head. "No, thank you." He gave her a weak smile. "I think I'll rest a bit."

She gave his shoulder another squeeze and left him alone. Carson closed his eyes, but not before he caught her backward glance at him as she pulled the curtains around his bed. He liked Sarah, as a nurse and as a person. Part of him wondered if his attraction to her came from his current situation or if he'd have been as captivated even if he'd been at the peak of health. Either way, he found the young nurse quite intriguing. The portion of his mind that still worked as a doctor reminded him of his responsibility to Atlantis and his ethical commitments. Perhaps flirting with Sarah yesterday had been a bad idea. Too bad he seemed unable to stop.

oOo

Late that evening, Sarah carried a dinner tray toward Dr. Beckett's little cubicle. She'd tried to think of him as "Carson," but it hadn't worked. Not yet, anyway. Of course, she'd forced herself to think of him as "Dr. Beckett" yesterday after his flirtatious smile and twinkling eyes. The discipline she'd developed over the years cemented his identity in her mind as a doctor, not as a man. Still, she was drawn to him in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time. She just wished her last encounter with someone this attractive hadn't ended so badly.

Dr. Beckett had his eyes closed when she peeked through the curtains, but he opened them when she would have turned away. "Come in, love." He smiled at her, though she could hear the weariness in his voice. "I'm not that busy."

Sarah chuckled at the wry tone. "I can see that." She slipped through the curtains. "I hope you don't think me presumptuous, but I wondered if you'd like a good cuppa with your dinner."

He used his arms to straighten himself in the bed, pushing up from where he'd slouched as he'd rested. He winced, but Sarah stayed where she was at, knowing he'd want to do as much for himself as he could. When he'd finally adjusted himself in the bed, he smiled at her. "I'd love some tea." As he straightened his blankets, he met her eyes. "Join me, love. I'd love somethin' a little better than these curtains to stare at while I eat."

She was unable to say "no." In fact, she was relieved he'd asked, already having put a second cup and saucer on the tray. Setting the English tea she'd brought from Earth, carafe of hot water, sugar and cream for the tea on the shelf next to his bed, she carefully slipped his dinner tray onto his lap. Being this close to him, while normal for a nurse, was suddenly uncomfortable. And not in a bad way. Sarah hoped her face wasn't as red as it felt, and she drew on her years of experience in ignoring the unspoken anger in her family's home to keep her expression blank. As Dr. Beckett ate, she busied herself with a few chores around his bed that she'd noticed earlier. Once those were done, she moved back to the impromptu tea set and began pouring it up.

Dr. Beckett watched her closely. Just when she would have asked if he needed anything, he broke the silence. "Tell me about yourself."

Sarah smiled at the pained expression on his face but couldn't tell if it was because of his injuries or the obvious opening. She hesitated over the sugar and cream she'd brought until he told her to add one sugar cube to his cup and that would be fine. As she handed the cup and saucer over to him and fixed her own cup, with a touch of cream, she debated what to say. "What would you like to know?"

He chuckled. "I'm sorry. I realize how awkward that sounded. I'm just goin' crazy with no one ta talk to besides hearin' reports here and there about missions."

She related to that irritation and pulled a chair close. As she perched on the edge—something drilled into her by her mother—she smiled. "That I understand." She took a sip of tea while gathering her thoughts. "I'm beginning to think that life on Atlantis doesn't give you much time to reflect."

"Aye," he agreed. "That's why time to reflect is so unique and so. . . ."

"Frustrating?"

"Aye," he said again. "That, and I'm not accustomed to lyin' 'round all day."

"Dr. Beckett, you _need_ to lie around all day." She softened her words with a smile. "Otherwise, you won't be able to tell Colonel Sheppard to lie around all day when he needs it."

He shot her an amused glance. "Already getting the lay of the land, I see."

"Yes." She shook her head. "I don't think I've seen any other team in here as often as Colonel Sheppard's. Though Major Lorne's runs a close second."

"Aye, that they do." Dr. Beckett let a full grin appear, and Sarah was hard-pressed to pull her gaze away from his eyes. He had wonderful laugh lines that appeared, making the sparkle in his blue eyes even brighter. "Though, no one seems to believe me when I tell 'em that the good Major needs as much help as Colonel Sheppard. Least of all the Major."

"I don't know," Sarah replied. "Dr. Keller seems to do a decent job with all of them."

"All of whom?"

"Colonel Sheppard, Ronon, Dr. McKay, Major Lorne, all the troublesome patients." Sarah grinned. "She's quite persuasive."

Dr. Beckett actually chuckled at that, glancing down at his tea as he did so. "Aye, an' that's why I made her my alternate." His smile disappeared, and a troubled expression crossed his face. "I never thought I'd have ta let her run this infirmary. It's not right that someone so young takes on so much responsibility."

Through her years as a nurse, Sarah had learned that the language of touch spoke louder than anything. She wasn't a touchy-feely person, as her brother liked to term it, but she tried to go out of her way to help her patients. Today, she leaned forward and put a hand on his wrist. "Dr. Keller is more than capable of running this infirmary, Carson," she said, deliberately using his first name. As he stared at her, she smiled. "She needs you to let her do that job so you can return as strong as you once were."

His hand turned, the muscles in his wrist moving as he did so. Before she could pull away, he'd captured her hand in his. "Aye, I suppose ye're right. Thank you."

Sarah gave his hand a final squeeze before pulling away. "You're welcome."

They finished their tea in silence, and Sarah left him to rest for the evening. As she returned to her quarters at the end of her shift, she thought about the injured Chief of Medicine. Carson Beckett had captured her attention to be sure, but he'd also appealed to the part of her that drove her to become a nurse. He _needed_ someone to watch out for him, and Sarah liked the idea of taking over that role for now. She just hoped she'd be able to fill that role without letting her heart get too involved. She didn't look forward to the fall-out if he went back to Earth with her heart in his hands while she stayed here, in Pegasus.

oOo

The next week passed both quickly and slowly. For Sarah, she found little time between her work in the infirmary, her evenings spent chatting with Dr. Beckett, and trying to adjust to life in another galaxy. She'd heard stories of Colonel Sheppard's team, but she didn't believe them until the team's third trip into the infirmary. After that, she believed without reservation.

Her evening visits with Dr. Beckett both intrigued and alarmed her. She fell into a routine of visiting him and sharing tea as he ate his dinner. It was comforting to know what she'd be doing a couple hours after his treatments, but it also bothered her that she drew such strength from those visits. His blue eyes sparkled at her whenever he smiled, and he always had a kind word about anyone. The only time she ever saw him as anything less-than-friendly was during his treatments or when Dr. McKay visited. Then, he usually bit back whatever sharp retort came to mind in favor of keeping the peace. Based on her limited experience with Scottish men, she knew he was a rarity.

Carson, however, suffered during that week. He thoroughly enjoyed seeing Sarah appear in the evenings, even though he knew it precipitated a good deal of pain. While his physical wounds healed almost miraculously fast, his strength had not yet returned. He wondered if it was a side-effect of the device but didn't say anything to either Jennifer or Sarah. He rather enjoyed Sarah's visits in the evenings and often found himself counting the minutes until she appeared. After all, he had nothing better to do in the meantime, and he could only read so much before his mind turned to mush.

Something else occurred to Carson during that week. Around the fourth day of this routine, he realized what had happened. He'd become completely captivated by Sarah and knew he needed to find his distance. She may not have done anything on purpose. In fact, she went out of her way to _avoid_ personal conversation. But that hadn't stopped him from noticing little things about her. The way her smile tipped up a little more on the right than the left. How her fingers were long and, usually, cool from handling an ice pack. Her carefully manicured fingernails. The way she was always perfectly dressed. How one small lock of hair fell out of her side-swept hairstyle and brushed the edge of her jaw. These little things distracted him occasionally, and he realized he needed to do something about it. Of course, he couldn't ask Jennifer to have a different nurse help treat him without creating a stir. Jennifer would want to know _why_ he preferred someone other than Sarah, and Carson would have to explain. Which would, no doubt, be overheard and repeated, resulting in embarrassment for both of them. But he _did_ need to keep himself from falling for a woman who would, eventually, work for him.

The day he realized it, he refused to hold Sarah's hand. He chose to clench his fists so tightly that it hurt. Sarah gave him an odd glance, but he'd made it a point to be somewhat distant all day. When the treatment was over, he stayed silent while she applied an ice pack rather than striking up the normal conversation. Even Jennifer looked confused at the out-of-character behavior, but he refused to create a conflict of interest for himself when he fully planned to return to active duty.

Then, talk turned to his return home. Jennifer came to his cubicle and voiced her concerns about his stay on Atlantis. Rodney had initialized the healing device so that anyone could use it, and Jennifer felt that he should return to Earth for physical therapy. Carson agreed, but he wasn't eager to leave Atlantis behind. He still hadn't dealt with the idea that he'd almost died, and he knew his mother would struggle to accept that, as well. Besides, he'd become accustomed to the hum of the city in his mind. Any time he was away from that, he felt almost empty. Alone. And he was not prepared to feel that on a regular basis. That left him quiet when Sarah brought tea that evening.

As she poured, Carson stared around the infirmary. He accepted his cup and saucer, enjoying the activity that hummed around him. If he returned to Earth, he'd likely wind up in Scotland with only his mother to hover. And he couldn't have that, not with her age and health.

"Dr. Beckett?" Sarah's voice pulled him from his thoughts, and he was actually grateful she kept a distance between them unless the conversation turned emotional.

Offering her a wan smile, he shrugged. "Just thinkin', love." Then, he barely avoided cringing. He needed to break that habit if he wanted to put distance between them. Of course, he called Jennifer and Teyla the same thing, but it still didn't seem like the thing to do to a woman who could never really be more than a friend.

Sarah gave him a wry look that included a raised eyebrow. "I see." Rather than flouncing away, she settled onto the edge of her chair. "Well, if you don't mind me being here, I've rather come to enjoy my evening tea."

Carson truly looked at her for the first time that day. She looked slightly pale, with dark circles under her eyes. "Are ye okay?"

"Yes." She lifted her chin almost defiantly. "Just needing a good cup of tea."

_Fine_, he thought. Rather than trying to engage her in conversation, he let her sip her tea while ignoring the tension in the room. It was a drastic change from previous nights, and it was obviously not something either of them liked. But both were stubborn, and Sarah had clearly decided to let him make the decisions for now. Carson just wished he had better choices. He continued to mull it over long after Sarah had left and pretended to read until Elizabeth appeared.

oOo

Elizabeth stalked through the halls of Atlantis, fuming over how quickly she'd been dismissed. Normally, military proceedings on Atlantis didn't bother her, but _these_ did. How could Stargate Command think it a good idea to bomb a planet that wasn't a threat? Sure, the Pegasus Replicators were always a potential threat, but Atlantis hadn't heard so much as a peep from them since they'd retaken the city. And it had been a good thing, what with Rodney nearly dying, Carson nearly dying, and the entire flagship team of Atlantis nearly dying several times over. Now, Ellis had commandeered Sheppard and McKay for a foolish mission to destroy the Replicator ships.

Taking a deep breath, Elizabeth tried to calm herself before entering the infirmary. It had been two weeks since Carson awakened from his coma, and he'd made progress every day. Of course, Rodney's discovery of the "dermal regenerator," as it had come to be called, helped with that, though Dr. Keller reported that Carson experienced intense pain whenever it was used. Still, it was progress.

She found Carson propped in his bed, reading from a laptop. His face looked completely normal, including a two-day scruff that hadn't yet been shaved, but Elizabeth wasn't fooled. Beneath the white infirmary scrubs, severe burns lay waiting to be treated and to heal. Carson lived in a constant state of pain since he refused to be "drugged to the gills," as he termed it. Knowing he likely read to distract himself, she stepped slowly to his side, waiting for him to realize she was there.

He glanced up. "Oh, Elizabeth." His smile made an appearance. "Come on in."

She chuckled at how he'd come to refer to his cubicle as "home." "Don't mind if I do."

Carson's shrewd blue eyes narrowed. "What happened?"

"What makes you think something happened?"

"Elizabeth, I'm a doctor." He gave her a stern glance. "I'm trained to observe human behavior in order to help diagnose an individual. Now, I may not even be allowed out of this bed, but I can tell you're upset about somethin'."

Elizabeth folded her arms. "The SGC is making a big mistake." She went on to tell him of Ellis's arrival, the plan, the colonel's dismissal of her concerns, and his virtual abduction of McKay. "I can't help but feel like this is the _worst_ thing they could have done."

Carson watched her closely. They'd become quite close over the last few years, and he viewed Elizabeth as one of his few confidantes. Both of them were civilians, and they often shared tea in the evenings as one or the other talked out the dilemmas of life in Pegasus. A few times, they'd even given one another a shoulder to cry on. Carson knew his feelings for Elizabeth were more sibling-ish than romantic, and he gladly filled the role of big brother in her life.

Now, she paced along the edge of his bed, tension in her shoulders like a huge beacon signaling her anger. Carson wished he could get out of this bed and force her to sit down, but it was still agonizing to roll over onto his side. It had been two weeks since his first treatment with that bloody regenerator, and he wasn't sure he'd ever ask anyone else to use it. The thing stung, burned, itched, and left him wanting to scratch at the healing burns on his back and legs. And, of course, it required him to bare his back and behind to Jennifer and Sarah. It was _not_ how he wanted them to see the Chief of Medicine, even if he couldn't get out of this bed without help.

Elizabeth's pacing drew his attention back to her. He sighed. "Is there nothing you can do?"

She stopped and shook her head. "No." With a deep sigh, she dropped into the chair next to his bed. "I know that, and I understand the orders. But I was completely ignored on this. And I just can't help feeling like I'm going to be left holding the ball."

Carson understood that well. "I wish I could do somethin'."

"I know you do, Carson." She gave him a rueful smile. "I just needed to vent. How are you doing?"

He ignored the obvious change of subject and shrugged. "Oh, you know. Peachy." A smile touched his lips. "Don't worry about me, Elizabeth. I'll be fine."

"At least you didn't say you _are_ fine." She pushed to her feet. "I'll let you get back to your reading."

He watched her leave quickly, realizing that she was likely embarrassed at venting in such a public place. A deep sigh shifted the covers over him, and he was grateful his front side wasn't badly burned. He felt the tug of the burns as he shifted and ground his teeth together to keep from groaning in pain. Aye, that dermal regenerator may hurt when it was used, but it typically left him feeling slightly less pain in one or two regions. Maybe it wasn't so bad to use after all.

~TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** I know I mentioned this in my most recent chapter of Physician's Progress Notes. But I wanted to apologize for not posting on Friday. I meant to, but I wound up switching computers around. I spent the day transferring files from my "old" computer to my "new," better computer. Then reformatting the old one and reinstalling the entire operating system. By the time I did all that, I had nothing left with which to get this chapter ready to post. So, apologies for that. And on with the story! Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

"No!" Carson's voice didn't echo through the infirmary when Sarah arrived the next day, but it was still audible to someone who had become accustomed to listening for it. "Jennifer, I'm tellin' ya! It's _not_ necessary!"

Jennifer's soft voice followed the words, too low to truly be understood. Sarah glanced around. Most of the infirmary's day shift wore amused expressions, and Amanda Cole rolled her eyes. Sarah moved to Marie's side, the veteran nurse also trying her hardest to _not_ laugh. "What's happening?"

Marie snorted. "Carson's happening." She smiled when Sarah blinked. "Since we've been in Pegasus, he's only been injured a few times, usually due to assisting others off world. This is the first time he's been bedridden by his injuries, and he's not liking it."

"I realized that," Sarah said somewhat sarcastically. She shared a grin with the other nurse. "I take it he's arguing about his treatment."

"Yes." Marie shook her head. "I suppose it was inevitable. He's a bulldog when it comes to this infirmary. Got himself into this mess by refusing to leave a patient to die."

Sarah had heard the story, but she suddenly wanted Marie's perspective. "You stayed with him, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did." Marie said. Her face sobered, all humor from the ongoing argument in the background draining away. "I thought we'd lost him."

Sarah recognized the raw pain. "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Don't be." Marie gave her a wan smile. "I need to talk about it sometime."

"Yeah, but it doesn't have to be with me."

"I think it does." The sparkle returned to Marie's eyes. "Especially since you're the reason for the argument."

"I meant that—What?" Sarah glanced toward the rear of the infirmary as the other nurse's words caught up to her.

"Carson's taken a shine to you," Marie said. "And he's not happy about being trapped in that bed, either. The combination of the two is leaving him a bit cranky."

Sarah wasn't sure what to say that wouldn't give her away. She liked Carson a lot more than she'd indicated, their evening tea time being the highlight of her day. They sometimes chatted, sometimes didn't. At other times, she sat with him while he tried to ignore the pain brought on by the healing device. Sarah hated those times but could do nothing for him besides provide a comforting presence and helping hand. During those times, when he lay quiet with his eyes closed and his breathing even, she studied him. The lines around his eyes deepened, but it made him even more attractive to her. And, even though they were often glazed with pain, his blue eyes tended to be a bit darker and drew her almost as much as his smile did. That smile rarely made an appearance during those times, but, when it did, it usually held a special softness that wasn't there otherwise.

Realizing that she was staring at the rear of the infirmary, she turned back to Marie. "I'm sorry. You were saying?"

Marie gave her a knowing smile. "Our Chief of Medicine is just being stubborn."

"_That_ I knew," Sarah said with a smirk. "He's a Scot."

Marie pointed at her as if to say, "You make a good point." Out loud, she replied, "That day was. . . ." She shook her head. "When that tumor went off, it was chaos. Carson had just finished surgery to remove it, and I stayed behind. The explosion shook the tower, and I thought we'd lost him. When we found him, he was badly burned and had shrapnel embedded in his back. He coded twice during surgery to remove it."

Sarah's eyes turned back toward the curtained cubicle where Carson and Jennifer were now speaking in more civil tones. From the injuries she'd seen, he would require months of treatment in spite of the healing device. "The coma?"

"From hitting is head." Marie chewed on her lip for a moment. "We didn't know if he'd ever wake up. Seeing him like that was. . . ."

Sarah touched the other woman's arm. "I can imagine." She smiled. "Thank you for telling me."

Marie nodded and turned back to her work. Sarah let her go, seeing the way the older woman used her thumb to wipe away a few tears. She'd seen her share of critically injured patients during her time as a nurse, but none of them had been a close friend. She could not imagine what it must feel like knowing that she had been right next to the bomb and had escaped.

Jennifer appeared before she'd fully worked through all of the emotions. "Sarah?"

"Yes, Doctor?" Sarah began moving before she'd even finished speaking. She knew it was time for Carson's daily treatment, and she didn't look forward to the argument. Still, she had a duty to fulfill, and she hoped Carson would forgive her when it was all over.

Rather than saying another word, Jennifer gathered the healing device and led Sarah back to Carson's cubicle. When she pulled back the curtain, he glared at her. "Jennifer, what did I tell ye?"

"Carson, I understand your concerns, but. . . ."

"No you do not!" His face heated as Sarah turned her back to adjust a few things, giving the two of them a modicum of privacy. Carson lowered his voice to a whisper, but Sarah still heard every word. "She disnae need ta see ma bare bum!"

It took every ounce of her control—and then some—to keep from laughing aloud. He sounded so put out, so embarrassed over the situation even if it was a medical issue. Besides, the idea of seeing Carson's "bare bum," as he termed it, was a bit more intimate than she cared to admit. Between her personal feelings for the man and his amusing protest, Sarah's face was red when she turned. Carson's own embarrassed face was set in a childlike pout. She tried not to smile at the absurdity of it all—it really wasn't that funny—but failed miserably. "Dr. Beckett, why don't I go get someone else to help Dr. Keller today."

Carson turned to her. "I'll be _fine_."

His assertion fit right in with the temper tantrum he'd been throwing a few moments before. Sarah nodded. "That's right, you will be. But Dr. Keller needs assistance, and you're in no condition to help her. So, I'll go find someone else you're more comfortable with to help her today. Then, when she's done, I'll bring tea and an ice pack." When he opened his mouth to protest again, she held up a finger. "I wasn't suggesting anything there, Carson."

Her use of his given name, combined with the glare on Jennifer's face, clearly got the message across. He folded his arms, not giving in gracefully. "Fine."

_Fine,_ Sarah thought back at him. She felt a little like she'd been in a glaring match back in her elementary school days, but she'd come through it victorious. She'd have to apologize to Dr. Keller for taking over so suddenly, but Carson appeared to have calmed slightly. Slipping from the cubicle, she found one of the male nurses and spoke with him, explaining the situation. He agreed readily, and Sarah took a moment to roll her eyes. She caught Marie's eye, and the two women exchanged amused grins.

Marie made her way over to her. "When your lunch break hits, you've _got_ to tell me what that was about."

Sarah actually laughed. "I'll tell you now. It was about his 'bare bum.'" She sobered quickly. "Which I can honestly understand. Being a nurse—or a doctor—means we see more of our patients than we want to. But, with that Scottish accent and the expression on his face, it was. . . ."

"Hilarious? Cute? Hot?" Marie's adjectives got better as she threw them out.

"Um. . . ." Sarah eyed the nurse. "Not 'hot,' but very much the other two." Sharing another laugh over something that only nurses would understand, she went back to work.

oOo

Carson lay on his back, the pain subsiding thanks to the ice pack he'd insisted Jennifer bring him before Sarah appeared. He regretted the scene he'd caused, but he refused to back down. He cared for Sarah as a doctor, but he also realized how attractive she was. Today, she'd worn her hair in a stylish ponytail, the straight locks falling nearly to her waist. That, combined with her sparkling blue eyes when she'd turned around, impressed on him the necessity of keeping his distance. If he was already thinking of her in romantic terms while he was trapped in this bed, then he would definitely think of her that way when he got _out_ of the bed. And he couldn't have that if he intended to resume his duties as Chief of Medicine.

The woman appeared a moment later, holding a tray with his evening meal and a teapot. She'd begun bringing the traditional teapot after their first few evenings, and it added such a charming, elegant air to their teas that he felt like he could ignore the hospital bed and the infirmary around them. Tonight, the teapot was blue and white, and she had two matching cups. Just how many of the things had the woman brought with her?

Pushing himself up in the bed, he winced when the ice pack pulled against the newly-healed portions of his skin. The injury today was deep, and Jennifer had called a stop to the treatment before the wound had completely healed. That it was at the top of his rear end made lying anyway save on his stomach painful. And he intended to ask someone—even Sarah—to help him turn over for the night. He wanted to sleep, not endure more pain.

Now, however, he smiled. "Come in, love." As much as he'd tried, he couldn't break the life-long habit of calling women outside of his family "love." It was as much a sign that he liked them as people as it was an endearment.

Sarah set the tea tray on the table next to his bed and handed his meal to him. As he ate, she began preparing tea, pouring it from the teapot with the grace he remembered from his mum. She glanced at him with a sparkle in her eyes. "Feeling better now?"

His face warmed slightly. "Aye." He ate a few bites. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm not used to bein' in this bloody bed, an'. . . ."

"Dr. Beckett, you have no need to explain yourself." She finished stirring the small bit of sugar into his tea and set it where he could reach it with ease. "I can't imagine it's very comfortable physically or mentally."

He narrowed his eyes, wondering if she truly understood. "Seein' someone else run _my_ infirmary is. . . .I don't like it."

She actually chuckled. "I didn't think you did."

Realizing he was still being childish, he smiled at her. "Thank ye for earlier."

Sarah returned the smile. "You're welcome. And, for future reference, you have only to ask for a replacement. I'll understand."

Carson opened his mouth to respond when the entire city shook. His teacup rattled in the saucer, and Sarah's tea spilled a bit as she was in the process of taking a sip. Rather than fussing over the spot on her uniform, she set everything to the side. "Excuse me, Dr. Beckett." Without a word, she left his cubicle, leaving the curtain open where he could see what was happening.

Carson watched the flutter of activity around them and realized his evening with Sarah was over. His stomach churned, and he set aside his meal. The only time the city had shaken like that was when it was attacked. That meant injuries would soon come into the infirmary, and he wouldn't be there to treat them. For the first time since coming to Atlantis, he would have to watch a crisis rather than help in a crisis. And that turned his improving mood sour again.

oOo

For the next hour, Carson waited impatiently, overseeing things in the infirmary. There weren't many injuries from whatever had struck the city, but he'd heard whispered comments about Replicators and beams. Finally, he caught Sarah's attention and asked if she knew what was going on. She hesitated to answer, telling him the situation was worse than he could imagine. She did say that she'd send Jennifer over.

It took another fifteen minutes for Jennifer to break away long enough to inform him. In that time, she'd left the infirmary a couple of times, but none of those times were for emergencies. It appeared that she was getting the run-around from McKay about what was really happening. When she eventually reappeared and headed for him with a determined expression on her face, Carson knew he'd get his answers. "Jennifer?"

She sighed. "There's a Replicator satellite aiming a beam at the city."

Carson blinked. "Replicators? They're angry over us bombing them?"

"Yeah." Jennifer sighed and folded her arms. "Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka are getting ready to submerge the city, hoping the ocean's water will help the shield last longer."

"And if that doesn't work?" Carson shook his head. "Elizabeth was concerned about this when the mission was assigned to Colonel Ellis. And she was right, if I can say so."

Rather than replying, Jennifer touched his shoulder. Carson appreciated her dilemma more than most. She was simply a doctor who got to patch up the injuries. Until it became a medical situation, she had no say. And this was clearly a military situation.

At that moment, the city's intercom activated. "Attention all personnel." Elizabeth's voice echoed down the halls. "We are about to attempt to submerge the city. From what I understand, it could get a little bumpy, so this is your last chance to secure equipment and get to the designated safe areas."

Carson smiled at Jennifer. "Go take care of everyone, love. I'll be fine."

"Thank you, Carson." She straightened a few things near his bed and then left to make sure the rest of the infirmary was ready. It only took a few moments thanks to the chaos of the last hour, but it was something. Carson laid his head back and waited.

A few moments later, the great city rumbled, and he felt the dip in his stomach as Atlantis sank to the bottom of the ocean. Lying there, staring at the ceiling, he couldn't help but feel that they had come full circle and were now ready to follow in the steps of the Ancients. If only it worked out better for them than it did for the Ancients.

oOo

It didn't work out better. In fact, based on the brief reports Carson received, it got worse. The ocean's water didn't attenuate the beam as much as McKay had hoped. Finally, the plan was hatched to fly Atlantis away from this planet and somewhere safe. Carson knew he'd be sent to the _Apollo_, the ship responsible for all this mess, and hoped he wouldn't have to meet the commander. While Elizabeth might have contacted General O'Neill and Mr. Woolsey, she was still commander of Atlantis. And the fact they'd walked right over her—and that Ellis had virtually disrespected her—still rankled Carson. He couldn't help but feel like saying, "She told you so."

Then, Jennifer came over to tell him that he _couldn't_ transfer to the _Apollo_. When the Replicator satellite first appeared, it had grazed the ship. There were multiple injuries aboard _Apollo_, and the ship's infirmary couldn't take any more people. He'd have to ride it out in Atlantis. Carson accepted it with a nod and assured her that he'd be fine. Still, she insisted on moving him closer to the center of the infirmary so that he could be watched a bit better. As she secured his hospital bed and began prepping the infirmary for the city's first flight in ten thousand years, Carson shook his head. If only they'd listened to Elizabeth. . . .

Finally, Elizabeth's voice came over the intercom again. "May I have your attention? As you all know, we have found ourselves in a spot of trouble. The reality is that no matter where we try to hide on this planet, the Replicator satellite will be able to track us. Therefore, Dr. McKay and Colonel Sheppard have come up with a rather ingenious way for us to escape the satellite's range altogether. In the next few hours, we will fire the city's stardrive and head into space. Atlantis is leaving this planet."

Carson listened with mixed feelings. He was angry that Elizabeth had been ignored, relieved there was an option, and worried about power. Even _he_ knew the city didn't have that kind of power. And he'd been in a coma too long to know all the advances Rodney had made while sitting at his bedside. But he trusted Rodney and Sheppard to know the city's abilities at this point in time.

Lift-off apparently went without a hitch. Carson felt the elevation change, and he yawned as his ears popped. The city shook some, but not badly, a testament to John Sheppard's ability to fly anything. The ice pack under his body had melted some time ago, but he ignored it, knowing that there were more important things to be done than bring him a new one. Besides, with all the chaos, he hadn't thought about his own injuries in hours.

Suddenly, the city-wide intercom activated again. "I need a medical team to the gate room, stat!" Rodney sounded panicked. "Multiple injuries!"

Carson watched as Jennifer started pointing to nurses and giving orders. Within a minute, Marie had gathered equipment, and a team headed out to the gate room, leaving Amanda Cole and Sarah in charge of the infirmary. Those two women rushed around, prepping the OR and the scanner as well as various other tasks. No one knew the level of injuries they might face, especially given that they didn't know the situation. But Rodney sounded panicked enough that it had to be pretty severe.

That made his decision. Carson whipped the blankets off of his feet and ground his teeth together as he swung his legs off the edge of the bed. He paused, trying to breathe and will away the sweat that popped up on his forehead when he moved. Sarah caught sight of him and rushed over. "Dr. Beckett, what are you doing?"

"There are injured." He met her eyes, making sure he wore his resolute doctor's face, not the pout he'd had earlier. "I can't just lie here knowin' I could help someone."

"Yes, you can." She reached for his feet.

Carson gently grabbed her arm to stop her. "No, I can't." He met her eyes. "Now, I know I can't be performin' surgeries or anythin' like that. But my hands arenae injured. I can help with the minor injuries. Just get me a wheelchair, and I'll work 'round it."

Sarah stared at him and then glanced over her shoulder to where Amanda had been heading his way. Carson met the other doctor's eyes, realizing that she still carried a lot of guilt over his injuries. He wished there was some way to reassure her that he didn't hold her responsible, but he also understood her dilemma. He was a patient, not a doctor. Still, not knowing the situation in the gate room, it could be an "all hands on deck" situation. Finally, after a long moment, Amanda nodded.

Sarah sighed rather dramatically. "Wait here. I'll get a wheelchair."

"Thank you, love." Carson watched her go with a sigh. He didn't want her upset right now, but he could _not_ lie in that bed. Not now.

Amanda moved to his side. "I hope you know what you're doing, Carson."

"Aye, so do I." He saw Sarah reappear with a wheelchair. The two women helped him into it, and he took a few moments to get accustomed to sitting fully upright. His injuries along his lower back all the way to his knees ached almost unbearably, but wounded started arriving before he could do much more than grunt at the pain. Amanda took over, directing doctors, nurses, and patients. Sarah stayed with Carson until Amanda told him where to go. He started wheeling toward one of the gate room techs who had a deep gash on his arm. Stitches would be required, but the man would recover quickly. Carson turned to tell Sarah what he'd need and found that she'd already retrieved the tray of supplies.

Before he could get much further than assessing the damage, however, a larger group, complete with Jennifer riding on the stretcher while working over a shrouded body, came through the door. Carson glanced up and would have returned to his work, confident that Jennifer had everything under control. But he caught sight of who lay on the stretcher.

"Oh, dear Lord!" he whispered. "Elizabeth!"

~TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** One of the disadvantages of writing a medical doctor is his/her knowledge. I am not a doctor-as you well know-so I'm utilizing my "sci fi medical degree" in this chapter for portions of it. :) Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

Leaving Sarah to finish stitching the gate tech's arm, Carson clumsily turned his wheelchair. He managed to run into the corner of a bed—which held Ronon—as he tried to get to the OR door. The conversation between Ronon and the male nurse who'd helped Jennifer a bit earlier would have been amusing at any other time. Ronon wanted the shard of glass in his shoulder out and out _now_. The medic wanted him to wait until a scanner was free—which, based on Elizabeth's condition, it wouldn't be for a while.

"Pull. It. Out."

The medic all but sneered at Ronon. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're a tough guy. If you wanna pull it out, go ahead. But I'm not. . . ." When Ronon reached for the shard of glass, the medic's voice rose. "Are you crazy?"

Their conversation ended suddenly as Ronon pushed the guy aside and came to stand next to Carson's wheelchair. Carson didn't glance away, choosing to wait until the monitor outside the door came on. When it did, it showed that Elizabeth's head had been immobilized, she'd been intubated, and he heard Jennifer say, "Clear."

This couldn't be happening now. This _shouldn't_ be happening now! Carson held his breath as his protege, the woman he'd brought to Atlantis to train, worked over one of his closest friends. He knew Elizabeth better than just about anyone on Atlantis, save Teyla and Sheppard. She didn't have close friends—not those she let behind the mask—and he'd always felt honored that she chose to let him see her true face.

After two more jolts with the defibrillator didn't work, Jennifer changed tactics. "Let's start her on mannitol, two hundred IV."

Carson's heart sank. The use of mannitol indicated that Elizabeth had suffered cerebral edema or cerebral hemorrhage. Either way, it was not encouraging. He was grateful for the audio feed coming from the OR, and he leaned forward in his chair, the pain from his injuries ignored. He couldn't lose Elizabeth. _Atlantis_ couldn't lose Elizabeth.

Inside the OR, Jennifer changed from the defibrillator to pumping Elizabeth's chest manually. Carson recognized the signs. They were losing her. And Jennifer was doing everything in her power to save her life. Carson knew the younger doctor struggled to balance her responsibilities with her own insecurities, but this moment showcased the very reason he hired Jennifer Keller. She had just come into her own, and it would have made him proud if the stakes weren't so high.

"Time?" Jennifer's voice came over the monitor, and Carson's heart began breaking. He blinked back the tears in his eyes, knowing he could do _nothing_. He would have done the exact same things had he been in that operating room, and he certainly wouldn't have done so without begging Elizabeth to stay with them.

Marie, who had accompanied Jennifer, said, "She's been flat for almost two minutes."

"Come on," Jennifer murmured, though loud enough for Carson to understand. "We need you here, Elizabeth."

"Aye," he replied without really thinking about it. A hand touched his shoulder, and he knew without looking that it was Sarah. She moved her thumb back and forth, and he reached up to cover her hand with his. While the infirmary buzzed—the medic having gone on to help another patient since Ronon wasn't willing to leave Carson's side, glass or no glass—the three waited for news. "Fight, Elizabeth!" Carson urged, though the woman in the hospital bed couldn't hear him.

A rapid beep came over the monitor, and Jennifer went into action again. "She's going back into V-fib. Let's hit her again." Carson knew she'd grabbed the defibrillator. "Clear."

On the monitor, Elizabeth's body jerked, but the rapid beeping changed to that of a regular heartbeat. Jennifer barely took the time to nod. "There we go. There we go. Let's check the scan."

"Dr. Keller?" Marie's voice came from off screen, and Jennifer moved. At this point in time, Carson merely listened.

"That's not good," Jennifer said.

"Her brain is swelling quite seriously," Marie replied. Carson suspected, based on the nurse's volume, that she knew he waited right outside the door.

Jennifer sighed. "That would explain the sluggish pupils."

"Yeah, among other things."

"Give her nimodipine," Jennifer ordered. "Three milligrams q4h and keep an eye on her blood pressure. I'm going to go tell Carson."

Outside the OR, Carson waited, his hand still on Sarah's, though she'd moved slightly. He now held her hand, his arm across his chest, as he absorbed the implications of Elizabeth's condition. His friend had been given medication to prevent the blood vessels in her brain from clenching shut, and she'd receive it every four hours. Which meant her condition was more severe than he'd thought. Though Elizabeth had flatlined, she could have returned. If the swelling wasn't under control very shortly, it would change who Elizabeth was forever.

Jennifer appeared and saw the trio waiting for her. She glanced at Sarah and Ronon, but her focus shifted immediately to Carson. "You heard."

"Aye." He nodded, meeting her eyes. "You did good."

Jennifer turned to the monitor. "We'll see." After a moment, she glanced at Carson. "Hey, how are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm fine." Carson waved a hand, but he knew Jennifer wouldn't buy it.

She looked at Sarah. "Get him back into bed with an icepack. When he's better, he can be back up." Then, she turned to Ronon. "You. Sit down and let someone remove that glass!"

Carson smiled slightly at the order, though he felt no humor in the situation. Sarah released his hand and started pushing him back to his bed. He didn't argue because he knew he couldn't handle treating someone other than Elizabeth. And he recognized that he was in no condition to help Elizabeth.

Sarah professionally got him into the bed, and Carson waited patiently for the ice packs that Jennifer had ordered. After she'd positioned it where he wanted it, he snagged her hand. "Thank you, love."

Rather than pulling away, Sarah squeezed slightly. "You're welcome, Carson." Her rich voice was soft, almost as if she struggled with her own emotions. Then, she slid her hand from his and left him alone for a bit. Carson watched her go, thinking of how nice it had been to feel her hand on his shoulder during this recent crisis.

His eyes turned back to the OR door, and he let out a deep breath. _We need you here, Elizabeth_, he mentally said, repeating Jennifer's words. _Just hang in there. We need you here._

oOo

Things just grew worse. Sarah watched Carson try to stay awake, fight his own pain, and keep abreast of happenings in the infirmary. At one point, he spoke with Ronon, who had been put in the bed next to his. The two of them didn't talk long, but it was long enough for them to come to some sort of understanding.

She also tried to stay up-to-date on what was happening with Dr. Weir. Not only did the health of the city's commander concern her, but she knew Carson was close to Dr. Weir. She wanted to have enough knowledge of events in the OR to keep him informed. Somehow, Jennifer picked up on the unspoken desire and made sure Sarah knew everything. She often stopped next to Carson's bed, bringing him a new ice pack or telling him what had been done. Ronon mentioned something about a "decompressive something-or-other," and Carson immediately filled in the medical terminology. Decompressive craniectomy. It was dangerous but could save Elizabeth's life.

Now, Sarah watched as Jennifer broke the news to Colonel Sheppard. Most women in Atlantis were drawn to the colonel's rugged features and messy hair. Not to mention his slightly rebellious nature. Not Sarah. She'd come to prefer men who were a little more stable. Men like Carson. Pushing that thought away, she went about her duties while Colonel Sheppard absorbed the same thing that Carson was struggling to accept: that the Elizabeth Weir they'd known and come to love would never be the same.

Several hours later, Carson managed to drift to sleep, and Sarah took advantage of the lull to settle in a chair next to his bed. Marie had appeared and spoken with him, but the majority of the medical staff—minus Sarah and one other nurse—had been working over Dr. Weir in order to keep her alive. Now, that other nurse had been called away to help Colonel Sheppard with keeping the city in one piece. Sarah's focus had been on assisting Amanda Cole and trying to keep Carson confined to the bed. With things beginning to settle a bit, she could take a moment to breathe.

She was tired. This was different than university, different than her nurse's training or any other posting. She had the added stress of knowing Atlantis was lost and leaking power so badly that they could all perish. While she knew she was being slightly defeatist, she felt she was justified in her emotions. Just for a bit. The tears she'd pushed back, born of exhaustion and the residual emotions of the last two days, pressed against her eyelids. She kept her eyes clenched shut and worked to control herself.

A hand touched hers, startling her, and she blinked into Carson's eyes. He smiled slightly, his own eyes gentle, as he unfolded her hand from where she'd clenched it in her lap and simply pulled it closer to him. Sarah idly wondered how he'd managed to move around without her noticing, but she didn't try to reclaim her hand. The warmth from his fingers felt too good, and she knew he needed the reassurance. So, she sat, smiling at him and drawing strength from his calm presence. If he could endure all of this and still be trapped in a hospital bed, then she could make it as well.

That's when she realized Ronon was no longer in his bed. She straightened suddenly, her actions drawing Carson out of the doze he'd drifted into, and he blinked at the empty bed. "Where has the big man gone now?"

Sarah pushed to her feet. "I'll find out." She regretfully withdrew her hand from Carson's, though careful to keep her expression neutral, and resisted touching his shoulder on her way around the bed. She still felt his eyes follow her and let out a deep breath. Her attraction to Carson and all the implications of it could wait until much later.

She found Ronon in the OR, talking to Elizabeth. He moved closer to the bed. "Um, I just. . .I just wanted to thank you. . . .Thanks for letting me stay here a couple of years ago. . .because I don't know if I would still be, um. . . ." He hesitated, and Sarah turned away as she heard his heartfelt voice. "Thank you, Dr. Weir."

Alarms sounded in the OR. Sarah whirled as Jennifer and Marie ran past her.

"Um, what'd I do?" Ronon sounded panicked.

"Nothing." Jennifer's voice took on the sound of a woman in charge, and Sarah glanced over to see Carson watching the activity with concern. Jennifer took over the situation. "It wasn't you," she said to Ronon, "but you need to leave."

Ronon backed out of the OR as the medical team started working. Sarah saw movement from the corner of her eye and realized that Carson was climbing from his bed. Or, rather, _trying_ to climb from his bed. He grabbed the wheelchair sitting there, and Sarah rushed to help him. He was exhausted already, and sweat poured from his temples by the time he was settled. But he took over driving the chair as soon as possible, wheeling it to Ronon's side. Sarah let him go but stayed close, realizing her job had become keeping the injured Chief of Medicine out from under the feet of the _acting_ Chief of Medicine.

Inside the OR, Jennifer activated a radio, calling for Dr. McKay. Carson startled and then audibly groaned when he shifted against his injuries. Sarah wished there was a way to make him more comfortable, but he would refuse it no matter if she found one. He was itching to be in that operating room, working on Dr. Weir and helping her get better. The fact that he physically could not had to frustrate him more than a little. Sarah realized that she couldn't understand what he was going through at this moment, though she could be there to support him.

"Dear Lord, no!" Carson's whispered exclamation came as Dr. McKay rushed through the infirmary and into the OR.

Ronon turned to him. "What?"

Carson met the big man's eyes. "They're doin' somethin' with Elizabeth's nanites."

Ronon frowned. "You sure?"

"Why else would Rodney be in here?"

Ronon shrugged and stayed silent.

Sarah wanted to ask about the nanites, about why it would be important now. But she kept her questions to herself as Carson watched the monitor. It wasn't his decision. Based on the expression on his face, he was ready to strangle whomever had the idea. If he had his way, he likely would as soon as the possibility presented itself. Sarah had never seen a fiercer look on anyone, even Ronon, and it actually made her smile. Carson Beckett was more Scot than he normally acted, and the fact that he kept his tongue restrained and his temper under control spoke of his years of training. For some reason, it only made him even more attractive to her.

oOo

Carson watched and fumed through the entire process. Jennifer had no idea what she was doing. By activating Elizabeth's nanites, she was opening the door for the Replicators—the very enemy that got them into this mess—to assert control over the city's leader. He didn't know everything about the situation as he'd been in a hospital bed for the last few hours, but he knew Elizabeth. And he realized she'd be angry and hurt when she finally awoke.

But what could he do about it? Beyond voicing his strong objections when Rodney finally came out of that room. It was a good thing the physicist hadn't spoken to him before doing this, or Rodney would have come away with his ears stinging. Just because Carson kept his tongue and wits about him on a regular basis didn't mean he couldn't let loose when the need arose. And this was one of those moments. Elizabeth had suffered enough the last time those nanites took over her body. She dinnae need it again!

Ronon paced to his bed and sat down as Amanda called for Sarah's help. Carson barely glanced away from the monitor that would have exploded long ago if he'd had any say about it. A few moments later, Radek was wheeled into the infirmary on his own stretcher with Sarah and Amanda sharing that medical shorthand that all doctors and nurses developed. Colonel Sheppard followed them, moving to Ronon's side.

Ronon watched Radek's progress. "Is he gonna be okay?"

"I think so." Sheppard nodded once. "It didn't hit any major arteries."

"Lucky," Ronon said.

"I wouldn't say so." Sheppard ran a hand through is hair. "He's still stuck here just like the rest of us."

Carson turned, the snippets of rumors he'd heard over the last little bit coming back to him. "So it's true."

Sheppard included him in the conversation. "We finally fixed the hyperdrive, now we don't have enough juice to _go_ anywhere. We've only got twenty-eight hours before the shields fail."

Carson let out a sudden breath with that. He knew their situation was bad, but this just made it worse. And if Elizabeth didn't pull through in spite of Rodney's best efforts. . . .Carson couldn't finish the thought.

Sheppard and Ronon had been talking in those few moments, and Sheppard said, "I've gotta find McKay."

"He's in there." Ronon pointed to the OR.

"What?" Sheppard's shock would have been comical at any other time, especially given Rodney's disdain for the field of medicine. Today, it wasn't. When Sheppard turned to Carson, he gave the colonel one of his patented "I had nothing to do with this and couldn't have stopped the McKay locomotive if I tried" smiles.

Before anything else could have been said, Rodney and Jennifer came out of the OR. Sheppard stepped forward. "Hey!"

Rodney whirled, facing Sheppard, Ronon, and Carson with a guilty expression. "I heard we didn't get the array fixed in time, but—but. . . ."

Sheppard glared. "What were you doing in there?"

McKay glanced between the three angry men, his gaze hopping from one to the other before settling on Sheppard. "Look, she was dying, okay?"

Sheppard leaned closer. "Rodney?"

"Look, her heart was weak, her nervous system was fried. . . ."

"What did you _do_?" Sheppard demanded, echoing the thoughts of every person observing the entire exchange.

McKay glanced from Jennifer back to Sheppard. "I reactivated the nanites."

Carson dropped his head into his hand. He'd known—or at least strongly suspected—that's what Rodney and Jennifer were up to, but he hadn't had it confirmed until now. The memory of Elizabeth lying in a hospital bed, isolation unit around her and little red dots on a computer screen flitted through his mind as Sheppard cursed.

"Look, you were busy!" McKay tried to reassert control over the situation. "It was life or death! If I didn't act. . . ."

Carson interrupted him. "Yes, she would have died, we know!"

"Okay, I know what you're thinking," McKay said to him, "but helping Elizabeth is _not_ putting us at risk."

"You just reactivated the Replicator nanites," Sheppard pointed out, echoing Carson's own objections.

"They're harmless!" McKay's voice rose. "Look, I am a hundred percent certain they're not gonna try to take her over or contact the others."

"You are?" Carson asked, knowing a bit more about the subject than most thanks to Elizabeth's last encounter with them.

"No," Sheppard replied, "no you can't know that for sure."

"Yes." McKay's eyes flickered, giving away how uncertain he really was. "Yes, I can."

Sheppard glared at the physicist before turning to look at Carson. The wheelchair-bound doctor met the colonel's eyes, not daring to shake his head or move. He knew the stakes here, as well as Sheppard did, and he knew that they couldn't take the risk. It was no longer a matter of saving a life. Sheppard looked back at McKay. "Shut it down."

"But. . . ." McKay blinked at him. "That would kill her."

Carson wheeled closer to the arguing pair. "What about Elizabeth, son? Do you think she'd want. . . ."

"Yes, she would!" McKay interrupted. "She would have done the same for you when you'd been in that coma if she could have!"

"Well, you obviously didn't know her very well," Sheppard said, his insult hitting home with both Carson and McKay.

"Oh, maybe not," McKay shot back, "but d'you know what? Give it some time. You can ask her yourself!"

"_No!_" Carson replied just as heatedly.

"It's too dangerous." Sheppard's voice was calm. "Shut it down. Right now."

McKay glared at the two for a moment before folding his arms defiantly. "No. No, I'm not going to."

Sheppard took a step closer to Rodney, glaring at the physicist until he clearly realized Rodney wouldn't back down. He touched his headset. "Meyers, bring an EMP generator to the OR."

Carson blinked at the cold order. He agreed with Sheppard, that it was a bad idea to reactivate Elizabeth's nanites. He wished he had done something—anything—to discourage what had happened. But hearing Sheppard calmly call for the very device that would end Elizabeth's life sounded harsh. Unfeeling. And he knew the colonel wasn't that cold.

"Will you _please_ just listen to me?" McKay pleaded. He was ignored by both Carson and Sheppard.

From the OR, a tray hit the ground. "Dr. Keller!" Marie called. As one, the group moved to the door. Carson had a momentary struggle fitting the wheelchair through but Ronon took over for him. He gratefully let the Satedan push the chair while he stared in amazement.

Startled, uneven breathing came from the bed as Elizabeth sat up. "John?" She blinked and reached up to pull the bandage off of her head. Her hair—which Carson knew had been shaved for the decompressive craniectomy—fell back to her shoulders. She stared at all of them. "Rodney? Carson? What's going on?"

~TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** Slight tissue warning at the end of this chapter. Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

Carson recovered from his shock the quickest, having already seen a similar miraculous recovery from the first time Elizabeth had dealt with the nanites. "Right, everybody, I need you out of here right now." He turned back to Elizabeth. "I'm sorry, love, but we've got to get everyone in hazmat and checked out."

His chair moved as Ronon took over driving again. Elizabeth watched them all go with the same level of surprise and confusion as she'd had before. Carson had no doubt it was a frightening experience to suddenly wake up in the infirmary's operating room, with all the medical equipment around her and signs of major surgery. He also understood the confusion. When her head hit whatever it had hit, she'd gone into a coma. Those blanks in time were hard to fill, even if he knew what had happened while he'd been out. Elizabeth likely struggled even more because of the crisis Atlantis had been in when she'd been injured.

Amanda waited with a hand-held scanner to make sure none of the sneaky little buggers had transferred to Carson, and then she turned him over to Sarah. Carson accepted that he'd have to wait a bit longer to speak to Elizabeth and allowed the nurse to take him back to his bed. Ronon trudged over and sat down next to him. No one spoke as Jennifer and Teyla headed for hazmat storage, and no one felt the need to break the silence. What had been done could not be changed. Not without drastic consequences.

Exhaustion from the last hours set in, and Carson did everything he could to stay awake. He saw Teyla head back into the OR to speak with Elizabeth, wearing full hazmat gear as she went. And he knew that Elizabeth would have questions. She'd want to know why Carson didn't stop them, why Jennifer thought of it, and why no one took her perspective into account. He didn't have an answer for her.

As Sheppard and McKay argued quietly outside the OR, Carson dozed. His mind worked the problem from every angle, however, leaving him even crankier when he woke than he'd been before this entire thing started. His head pounded, his injuries ached, and he wanted nothing more than to have a shot of morphine to dull all the agony. But he couldn't. Elizabeth needed him, and he could at least be a friend to her.

Finally, Jennifer headed his way. "Carson."

"Jennifer." He met her eyes. "I want to see Elizabeth."

"I knew you'd say that." She glanced over her shoulder to where Teyla was leaving the OR. "Give her a few moments to get into an isolation room, and I'll take you over there myself."

"Thank you, Jennifer." He hated how weak he sounded, but he couldn't put any strength into his voice.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Aye." He smiled, forcing it as much as he forced his eyes to stay open. "Just a wee bit of pain that I'll take care of as soon as I've spoken with Elizabeth."

Jennifer's eyes dropped. "Look, Carson. I know you're not thrilled with the decision I made."

"I can't blame you, love." Carson shook his head. "I would have been tempted had I not watched her struggle with them last time. We nearly lost her then, too."

The two of them stared at each other, sharing a bond that only doctors in their position could share. They had a responsibility—a calling—to save lives, but that calling was sometimes out of their grasp. They'd both spent hours learning everything they could, working tirelessly to keep patients alive, and hoping to avoid the worst-case scenarios next time. To have it happen to someone like Elizabeth, someone who was so vital to their mission and such a good friend, made the consequences even worse. For the first time since waking from his coma, Carson truly understood what he'd asked his friends to face when he stayed behind to remove the tumor.

Jennifer went on her way for a few moments and then returned. Carson snagged the wheelchair and allowed her to help him into it. He shook from the effort, his pain levels rising with every transition. But he'd never been one to let it keep him from seeing to the health and well-being of those on this base. He knew his time here was limited, but he determined that he'd help as much as possible.

Elizabeth sat on the edge of a bed in the isolation room. Two armed Marines were outside the door, and they nodded to Carson as Jennifer pushed his chair past them. He stared up at Elizabeth, seeing the anger and hurt in her eyes. Jennifer left them alone, and Carson rolled the chair the rest of the way forward.

"Elizabeth."

"Carson." She looked away from him. "They should not have done this."

"Aye, I know." He sighed. "In their defense, they did it to save your life."

"What would you have wanted, Carson?" Elizabeth's question surprised him. "If you were in my position, what would your decision have been?"

Carson thought about that for a long moment. He couldn't answer the question—not really. He'd been put in a life-or-death situation and had survived because of medicine, but he'd never been asked to survive because of something that had taken over his mind. The closest he came was when the Replicators had taken over the city and he had returned with the team to retake it. After being captured in the chair room, he'd nearly had his mind probed. Woolsey had revealed their "plan" first, however, preventing Carson from experiencing that. He shook his head. "I don't know, Elizabeth."

"They have _no_ idea what I went through last time." She let out a deep breath.

"I'm sorry." Carson leaned forward. "Had I known. . . ."

"Had you known, you would have stopped this." She nodded. "Yes, I know what you're going to say. But, Carson, you're a _doctor_. You can't know what you would have done."

He simply stared at her, not knowing what to say to that. She was right, of course. He liked to think he would have resisted, and he could have done a much better job of resisting the urge than Rodney and Jennifer had done. But the temptation, the easy fix, would have always been there. The niggling questions about whether he could have done something to save her would have haunted him. "Elizabeth, I am so very sorry."

"I know you are, Carson."

The door behind her opened, and Sheppard walked in, followed by the team. Elizabeth straightened and tugged on the edge of her hospital gown nervously. Carson turned, seeing the serious expressions on their faces.

Sheppard walked right up to Elizabeth. "Feel like taking a trip?"

oOo

Sarah kept an eye on Carson as he rested, knowing there was nothing she could do to help him. He'd returned from the isolation room with an expression of grief and had asked for pain medication right away. That spoke volumes about how he truly felt. Jennifer gave some medication through the IV port still in the back of his hand, and he allowed Sarah to help him settle into his bed for a nap. She'd taken a few extra moments to adjust the blankets around his bed, but he'd drifted off without even noticing.

Now, however, she wandered back to his bedside. With Colonel Sheppard's team and Dr. Weir on a mission to try to save Atlantis, most of the medical personnel waited anxiously. That team could return at any time with injuries, and no one wanted to be caught off guard. Right now, Jennifer had escaped to the CMO's office for a catnap on the couch Carson had placed there, and Amanda had taken thirty minutes to get something to eat. Sarah was hungry, but she couldn't bring herself to leave. Instead, she used the hot plate kept in the infirmary's version of a break room to heat some soup and water for tea. If Carson woke from his nap, he'd have fresh tea waiting. If not, then she'd get the chance to stare and decompress a bit.

Just how did she feel about Carson Beckett? Two days ago, she would have said she liked him, that she found him attractive but he was ultimately her boss. Now, after all the chaos of the last few hours, she couldn't be so definitive. The expressions on his face as he'd watched Dr. Weir struggle for her life had broken her heart. When she touched his shoulder, he grabbed her hand and held on as if it was his lifeline, the only thing keeping him anchored in reality. Then, just before Dr. McKay activated the nanites, he had held her hand again, dozing in exhaustion and pain but never letting go. It made her heart beat a bit faster knowing that he'd cared enough to reach out to her when she was on the verge of breaking.

Carson's blue eyes blinked open about the time that Sarah finished eating her soup. He frowned slightly, let his eyes close for another thirty seconds, and then opened them again. Sarah thought of something she'd overheard during her brief time at the SGC and smiled. "Good morning, Sunshine."

Carson snorted at her.

Sarah set aside her empty bowl and pushed to her feet, amused at the eloquent response. "I couldn't have said it better."

He blinked a few more times before truly looking at her. "How are you, love?"

Sarah smiled slightly, all she'd allow to escape even though she wanted to grin widely every time he called her "love." She knew it wasn't an endearment in a personal sense—she'd heard him call Jennifer the same thing—but it thrilled her nonetheless. Rather than telling him all of this, she simply poured a cup of tea as he adjusted his position in the bed. A few winces later, he accepted the tea. "I'm okay. Tired."

"Aye, that we all are." He smiled as he took a sip of the tea. They stayed silent for a few moments, giving Sarah the chance to fully absorb the effect his voice had on her. Not that she hadn't heard him speak before, but that Scottish accent combined with the warm, tired tone of a few moments ago made it necessary to take a few deep breaths to clear her head. Finally, he eyed her. "I'm sure you have questions."

"Just a few," Sarah admitted. Neither Jennifer nor Amanda really knew the full story of what had happened with Dr. Weir's nanites. "But you don't have to answer them right now."

"I know." He didn't look at her, choosing instead to stare at the wall. "About six months ago, she went off world to a society we thought was made up of Ancients. They turned out to be the Replicators. During the conflict, one of them infected Elizabeth with nanites. A day later, she collapsed in her office, and Colonel Sheppard brought her here. She spent several hours in isolation while we worked to figure out how to neutralize them.

"In that time, they almost convinced her that Atlantis never existed." He shook his head, finally turning to Sarah. His blue eyes changed, becoming regretful. "We nearly lost her, then. Now, I cannae imagine what she must be thinkin' or feelin' with those sneaky buggers crawlin' through her bloodstream. Last time, she had the option of survivin' without them. Now. . . ."

Sarah didn't need him to finish the thought. Now, Dr. Weir's nanites were the only thing keeping her alive. And, if they were somehow shut down, she'd die. By using the nanites to heal Elizabeth, Jennifer and Dr. McKay had basically sentenced her to a life of bondage and suspicion. In some ways, it was worse than simply imprisoning her. The very thing that kept her alive also made her incredibly dangerous to Atlantis _and_ Earth.

Carson fell silent, and Sarah let him stew. He needed time to think and absorb what had been done to his friend. The two of them finished their tea, and Sarah cleared the things without a word. She touched his shoulder in sympathy as she left him alone, and he caught her arm before she could slip away. When his hand slid into hers, he tightened his hold, stopping her retreat. "Thank you, Sarah."

She smiled, even though it wasn't a happy moment. "You're welcome, Carson."

They stayed like that for a long moment, just staring at one another. He was still very tired, and the pain he felt was reflected in his eyes. But she couldn't look away. Not right now. In that moment, something changed. Both of them sensed it, and Carson squeezed her hand slightly before releasing her to go about her duties.

Sarah escaped to the infirmary's "break room" to take a few deep breaths. And to get control of her emotions. She'd always prided herself on not allowing others to see what was behind the smile she gave them, but Carson was different. With a single glance, he seemed to break through that mask and saw right to the very core of any issue. Just a few moments ago, he'd tried to communicate to her, and she wasn't sure she fully understood.

"Sarah?" Marie's voice startled her, and she rattled the cups she'd been holding together. Marie walked over to her side. "Are you okay?"

"Yes!" It came out too forceful, and Sarah tried to smile. "Just a little. . .rattled."

Marie nodded understandingly. "I know what you mean." She shook her head. "I couldn't believe it when Dr. Weir just sat up."

Sarah didn't have the heart to tell Marie that her issues were centered around Carson Beckett rather than the events of the last few hours. "I don't know how I would have reacted."

Marie smiled sadly. She left Sarah alone with her thoughts after that, and the infirmary fell into silence again. Everyone knew the stakes of this mission, the medical personnel more than others. If Dr. Weir were compromised or, heaven forbid, captured, then the entire city's population would be at risk.

Leaving the break room, Sarah gave Carson's bed another glance. He seemed to be resting, and Amanda motioned for her to help with some paperwork. Seeing him like that, his face relaxed as the pain let off enough for him to sleep, made her smile ever so slightly. That man could be angry and still make her smile, or so she suspected.

Knowing the best way to stay awake was to stay busy, Sarah focused her attention on the work in front of her. Soon enough, this crisis would be over, and she'd take a day to relax. She avoided glancing at Carson again, but couldn't help wondering how he'd take it when they finally made it out of this mess. _If_ they made it out of this mess.

oOo

Carson woke from his nap to Jennifer pulling the curtains around his bed. She held the blasted healing device and offered him a sympathetic smile. This time, the male nurse was with her, and Carson didn't bother arguing. There was too much to argue over, and he was too tired. Maybe, after he'd had a chance to absorb all the implications, he'd have a nice long chat with Jennifer over her decision. Even then, however, he couldn't blame her for what she'd done. Whether or not it was the right call didn't matter. She'd been trying to save a life, and that meant more to him than anything.

The pain from the healing device was just as bad as it had been before the entire crisis. But, this time, he felt like his nerves had been deadened from hours of tension and his frequent trips into the wheelchair. He managed to keep from crying in pain, but he was grateful for the ice pack when it was over. He almost asked them to send Sarah over but decided not to give himself away. Not so obviously, anyway. They knew he and Sarah had some sort of bond between them, but they didn't need him monopolizing her time when she could be doing other things.

As he lay back into his pillow, Carson concentrated on the ceiling tiles and not moving while the ice pack did its work. Jennifer had told him that he'd managed to irritate some of his injuries with the constant motion, and that created almost as much pain as the actual device. It was only a miracle that he'd not become ill with some sort of infection, and Carson wondered if it might be the result of that device. Either way, he was grateful that he had the chance to recover so much faster than if he'd been sent back to Earth right away.

The infirmary doors opening pulled Carson out of a light doze, and he blinked as Colonel Sheppard walked in. Carson would have straightened and welcomed the man with a smile, but the colonel's expression spoke volumes. He felt everything around him fade as he met Sheppard's eyes. "The mission?"

"Was a success." Sheppard's voice was rough. "McKay and Zelenka are interfacing the ZPM now, but that's not why I came down here." He turned and pulled the curtain around Carson's bed.

Carson waited impatiently, knowing that Sheppard's news wasn't what he wanted to hear. When the colonel moved to pull a chair closer, he could stand it no longer. "Just tell me, son."

John turned. "We lost her."

The blunt announcement, said with a rough voice and almost choked tone, hit Carson harder than anything he'd thought possible. He blinked, the tears he'd held back earlier starting to gather in his eyes. "How?"

Sheppard shook his head. "She tapped into their network, guided us through the city. On our way out, McKay found this new subroutine—or something—that was dormant. He figured he could activate it, but we'd have to get to a main control room—right in the middle of the city. Which we did, and we activated it. But not before they became aware we were there. Elizabeth. . . ."

Carson forced himself to stay quiet as the colonel stared at his hands. Sheppard was dealing with emotions he didn't want anyone to see, and Carson refused to call attention to that. Sheppard would cope in his own way and time. Right now, that included getting the words out. "Elizabeth left the Jumper." John looked up from his hands. "She managed to take over Oberoth's mind, to freeze them enough for us to escape. She sacrificed herself to save us."

Carson smiled, knowing it was what Elizabeth would want. But he couldn't bring himself to speak. Not with his own grief so near the surface. He blinked, hoping the tears in his eyes would stay contained long enough for Sheppard to leave. The colonel had enough riding on his shoulders. He didn't need an emotional Scotsman making things worse.

Sheppard pushed to his feet. "I'm sorry, Doc. When the _Apollo_ arrived, they couldn't pick up her transmitter."

Carson nodded, finally finding his voice. "You did everything you could, Colonel."

Sheppard gave him a wan smile, only a hint of the self-derision he felt. "Yeah. Wish I could believe that." He left Carson alone after that.

With the curtains still drawn and the silence of the infirmary pressing in on him, Carson laid his head back on the pillow and let his tears flow. He felt the city shift a few moments later, a clear sign they'd entered hyperspace, and clenched his jaw. Life as he knew it had just changed, and he didn't like the change it had made.

~TBC


	7. Chapter 7

The next two days changed many things. Carson laid in his bed, unable to avoid crying out when Sheppard landed the city none too gently. Later, he heard from Chuck—who had needed stitches following a cut earned in the process—McKay had likened the landing to "a leaf kissing the surface of a pond." When Sheppard slammed the city into the ocean, McKay's response was "Nice kissing!"

The fallout from losing Elizabeth was slow in settling into minds and hearts. Carson saw each of the members of Sheppard's team in the first two days, each one grieving in his or her own way. Teyla stayed silent on the matter, taking time to help Carson readjust in his bed and doing everything in her power to make life easier for him. She mentioned at the end of her visit—and only after he asked—that she'd packed up Elizabeth's office so that the city's new commander would have a blank slate. Carson couldn't imagine what that must have felt like and reflected that they'd almost done the same for him a little over a month ago.

Ronon, however, just stopped by whenever he could. The big Satedan didn't talk much, but he seemed to draw some level of strength from Carson's presence. The Scot understood. In his time as a Runner, Ronon had lost so much that losing someone like Elizabeth would cut deeply. Especially since he told Carson that he'd been the one to urge Sheppard away. He carried responsibility like a cloak, though no one really understood it. The big man protected each of his friends and family fiercely, and he'd been unable to protect Elizabeth when it counted. In his mind, he'd failed, and it would take time to rebuild that trust in himself.

Rodney ranted. At first, he simply tried to smile, but Carson called his best friend on it. At that moment, the physicist opened the floodgates, berating himself for reactivating the nanites, for not realizing that Elizabeth's will would be strong enough to override the kill switch, for failing to keep her in the Jumper, and for not realizing what that Ancient machine did in time to prevent Carson from being injured. Carson let him rant, knowing that Rodney needed to get all of this out. He even waved Sarah and Amanda away from the area, knowing Rodney's anger and grief was such that he didn't see them. After he finished, he said a stiff goodbye and left, presumably for his lab to bury himself in his work.

Sheppard concerned Carson the most. The colonel's time had been monopolized by Colonel Carter's presence and the fact that, until the IOA made a decision, he was in command of Atlantis. He stopped in to the infirmary daily, checked on Carson, flirted with Amanda, and generally made his presence known. But Carson understood. The colonel was in a position of authority, and he needed to find his balance. He also needed to regain his trust in himself—much like Ronon—and the best way to do that was to assure himself that the one friend he'd nearly lost was still around.

But Carson also worried about others. Amanda and Jennifer moved through the infirmary like ghosts, their faces pale and eyes dark, testaments of sleepless nights. Carson himself would have joined them if it wasn't for the pain medications and various drugs he was taking. He'd picked up a slight fever right after Elizabeth's disappearance, and his body had been unable to fight it. As a result, Jennifer reattached the IV and kept fluid running through his system along with some stronger pain meds and antibiotics. He tried to assure Jennifer that she couldn't change anything, that losing Elizabeth was inevitable no matter what she did. But the young doctor bore her grief silently.

Just as Carson did. In those days, he managed to work through all of the complications concerning Elizabeth. She'd been right in telling him that he likely would have done the same thing. That, more than anything, took away his anger at Jennifer and Rodney. But it also made him think about the consequences. By reactivating Elizabeth's nanites, Rodney and Jennifer had sentenced Elizabeth to a life of captivity. Had she not been captured by the Replicators, she would have been sent back to Earth and spent the remainder of her life in some dark hole for fear that her nanites would contact the Pegasus Replicators or remnants of the Milky Way Replicators. She would never have commanded Atlantis again, and she would never have been allowed near any of them. Her life as she knew it had ended no matter what turn events had taken. And the healing device that alternately tortured and helped Carson would have done nothing to help Elizabeth. She had severe neurological damage-the kind that required immediate attention. The healing device worked slowly. That realization often left Carson somewhat sullen as he worked to put his grief to the side so he could help his friends and coworkers with their own issues.

Sarah came to see him daily, and it helped. With the crisis over, she resumed her normal shift, covering the time between day and night shift. She took her lunch hour to join him for tea and a light meal, but he hadn't been much company in the last two days. By the time she appeared, the grief he'd kept hidden from others pressed in on him, leaving him pensive and feeling like he'd cry at the drop of a hat. She already saw him cry on a regular basis—that bloody healing device _hurt—_and he didn't want to pressure her any further. Her eyes often showed hesitation when looking at him, and he knew she wanted to pull away but was unable to do so. Amanda and Jennifer had nominated her as his nurse, and she took that responsibility very seriously.

Carson thought about his friendship with Sarah. He'd tried pushing her away and had succeeded to an extent. But she still brightened his corner of the infirmary whenever she appeared. Her smile, though reserved, made her eyes sparkle slightly. And, every now and then, her chin would dip, she'd stare from the top of her eyes with an impish smile on her face, and he'd get a glimpse of the woman she was beneath the mask. He wanted to know that woman, but he knew he'd have to go through the mask to get to her.

Two days after that fateful mission, the curtains around his bed were pulled away to reveal Samantha Carter. The colonel—a member of the legendary SG-1—waited until he waved her over. Jennifer would be coming soon with the healing device and his daily dose of torture, but he could put a smile on his face for now. "Oh, Colonel. Come in."

Carter gave him a smile that looked apologetic. "I know you've got a treatment coming up, so I'll be brief."

"You're sendin' me back to Earth." Carson didn't need to have inside information for that. He knew he should have returned long ago, and he also knew that Elizabeth was the only reason he hadn't.

"Yeah." Carter nodded once. "Only for your recovery. Once you've got back on your feet, you'll be back here in Atlantis as Chief of Medicine."

Carson nodded. "Aye, that's what I've been told." He shifted his legs around, feeling the pull against still-healing burns and shrapnel damage. "I also know the odds of my recovery without lasting mobility issues."

"Yeah, we've discussed that." Carter shrugged. "If you can continue your duties both here and off world, you'll be allowed to return with a physical therapist to continue your recovery. If not. . . ."

She didn't need to finish the sentence. The possibility, while slim, still existed that he'd leave Atlantis for good. He met her eyes. "When do I leave?"

"First thing in the morning." Carter jabbed a thumb over her shoulder. "Dr. Keller's sending that device back to the SGC along with you, so your recovery time will be cut at least in half. And you'll be traveling with me and one other person."

Carson's eyes narrowed. "Which other person?"

Carter looked down for a moment. "I'd rather wait to say anything else." Her expression told him that more was happening than he knew. There was another blow about to hit someone on this base, and he suddenly wanted to be healthy enough to help them. "I just wanted to let you know."

Carson nodded. "Thank you, Colonel."

"Call me Sam." She smiled.

He returned the smile. "Thank you, Sam."

She left then, and he turned to stare at the ceiling and process his thoughts. He was leaving Atlantis. Compared to the way he could have left over a month ago, this was a much better option. He'd have to come up with a feasible explanation for his injuries to give Mum and siblings, but he'd be seeing them again. Rather than them lowering his coffin into the ground. That thought, combined with the still-aching loss of Elizabeth and his emotions concerning returning to Earth, made him want to cry. He used his next treatment as a way to release those emotions.

oOo

Sarah walked into the infirmary a few moments later than normal, having been caught up in an afternoon conversation with Marie and another nurse. The three women had laughed freely, shared amusing anecdotes from their time as nurses, and in general enjoyed the company. The feeling of grief hadn't lifted from the base, but laughter had started to return. She'd been unable to break away until right at time to be in the infirmary.

Carson's curtains were pulled around his bed, something that only happened when Jennifer was treating him or he needed to rest. Instead of peeking inside, she turned to begin her daily routine. The appearance of Colonel Carter in Jennifer's office door stopped her. "Colonel. Is there something I can help you with?"

"Uh. . .no." Carter looked a bit uncertain. "Can I have a word with you, Nurse MacKenzie?"

"Sarah, please." She followed the colonel into the office. Something in her chest warned her that this may not be good news, and she took a few deep breaths to prepare herself. Still, she was caught off guard when Carter closed the office door.

"Sarah, I just got word from the SGC today." Carter's face softened considerably. "There's no easy way to say this. But your mother has been diagnosed with cancer. Six to eight weeks."

Sarah stared at the colonel, her breath leaving her in a rush. Her mother may have come from high society and may have become the epitome of a socialite, but Sarah loved her anyway. Had done everything in her power to please her mother until it became obvious that her mother's wishes held no sway with her father. Katharine MacKenzie had done exactly what her husband wished because it was the only way to hold on to her lifestyle. And Sarah had finally broken away from all of that when she went to university.

But now? Sarah moved to the couch and sat down without any of the elegance she tried to portray. The soft cushions gave under her weight as she stared at nothing. Six to eight weeks left? That was it? When she'd come to Atlantis, she knew she'd be away for a long time. She'd signed a blind two-year agreement with the SGC to come and serve here, but this was. . . .She turned to Carter. "Can I go home?"

"Yes." Carter moved to the desk and leaned against the edge of it. "Look, I understand how you feel. My father was diagnosed with cancer and given a similar prognosis."

Sarah nodded, her thoughts turning sour. _Yeah. I'm sorry, but I fail to see the importance of your father's fight right now. No offense, but I just want to go home._ Instead of voicing them, she stared blankly at Carter.

Carter smiled, clearly having received the message. "I understand the shock. What I mean is that the SGC is very sympathetic. You'll be given compassionate leave for eight weeks. After that, unfortunately. . . ."

"I'll need to return here," Sarah interrupted. If her mother only had six to eight weeks, then that wouldn't be enough time. "Look, if she lives longer than eight weeks, I'll return. But, if. . . ." She couldn't even bring herself to say it.

Carter nodded. "Then exceptions will be made, of course." She pushed to her full height. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I wish there was another way to tell you. If you can get packed, you'll be heading back to Earth with me via Midway tomorrow morning."

Sarah met the other woman's eyes. "I'll be ready. Just let me talk to Dr. Keller."

"I've already informed her." Carter put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

Sarah nodded once, unable to say anything else. Her mother's health had always been good, perhaps a bit too good. Even when sick, she pushed herself until whatever illness she had knocked her on her back. Her father had a good deal to do with that, insisting that his family always appear perfect for his high-paying clients and equally snobbish law partners. That Sarah had become a lowly nurse caused a great deal of conflict for her father, and he had _no_ idea where she'd gone. That alone had created a massive rift in the family the last time Sarah had been home. Now, however, she wouldn't accept anything less than peace for her mother's sake.

Of their own accord, her feet led her out of Jennifer's office and toward the rear portion of the infirmary. Carson's curtains had been opened, and he rested with his eyes closed. The pain on his face nearly stopped her, but the thought of his compassionate voice kept her moving. She deliberately scuffed her feet as she drew near his bed, and he slowly turned his head. Pain dulled his eyes, but he still had a smile for her. "Sarah."

She tried to smile but wasn't able to make it look sincere. "How are you?"

"I've been better." His head lifted from his pillow, the lines in his face deepening.. "What is it, love?"

She chuckled and almost started crying. As it was, a single tear escaped. She angrily dashed it away. "My mother. She's been diagnosed with cancer." Her voice broke over that last word.

Carson straightened at that, moving beyond what he should have to reach for her hand. He managed to snag it in his warm grip and pulled her toward the bed. She wondered how he ignored the pain but didn't argue. Right now, she needed any kind of assurance she could get. When she was close enough to the bed, he wrapped her fingers in his own. "I am so very sorry." His blue eyes met hers, compassion flowing from them as he covered the hand he already held with his other one. "I truly am."

"I know." Sarah used her toe to pull a chair closer, cringing when it scraped noisily on the infirmary floor. She ignored the glances as she sat down, not pulling away from him. "I wish there was something you could do."

"Aye," he agreed. Rather than saying anything else, he simply held her hand. She took a few deep breaths and let them out slowly. She didn't need to be breaking down right now. She needed to keep her wits about her long enough to get home. Once she assessed the situation with her own eyes, she'd respond accordingly.

Finally, she straightened and pulled her hand from his. The infirmary air seemed cold without the warmth he extended, but she couldn't sit here and let him hold her hand for hours. She had too much to do. "I'm heading back to Earth tomorrow, so I'll. . . ."

"Oh, that's good." He seemed less than surprised about the move. "I'll be seein' ya for a bit longer, then."

She frowned. "You will?"

"Aye." He smiled, but it barely lightened his eyes. "I'm goin' with you."

"Of course." Sarah shook her head, chuckling in spite of her emotions. "I'm sorry. I should have thought. . . ."

"Don't give it another thought, love." He truly smiled this time. "Now, why don't you go get ready for the trip home. Ye've got a lot ta think about, but I'll be here if ya need ta talk."

Sarah smiled at him in thanks and stood. She put a hand on his shoulder. "Get some rest, Carson."

He reached up to cover her hand. "I will, love. Don't worry about me."

_Like that would ever happen,_ she thought. Verbally, she said, "Thank you for listening."

"Always my pleasure." His warm voice stayed with her as she walked away. At the infirmary door, she glanced back and realized that he still watched her with those amazing blue eyes. Realizing that she would miss seeing them when she returned to New York, she left the infirmary and headed for her quarters. The tears started as soon as the door closed behind her.

oOo

Jennifer appeared at Carson's bedside the next morning with a fresh set of scrubs and a male nurse to help him change. She pulled the curtains and left the two men alone for a bit while rounding up a wheelchair and the healing device. Carson breathed a sigh of relief when the transition was over, though he was ready to see something other than the infirmary walls. Sarah appeared a moment later, looking quite different in civilian clothing. She wore a blue sleeveless turtleneck sweater with a pair of black slacks, her heels clacking against the tile. Her duffel bag was draped across her body, and her long hair hung in a stylish ponytail down her back. Carson took a moment to admire her and regretted that he was confined to this chair. If he hadn't been, he might have been tempted to ask her to dinner just to see this sight again.

Her face was pale, though, and her eyes showed that she'd had a sleepless night. Still, she took over steering his wheelchair and waited while Jennifer knelt next to him. The young doctor assured Carson that she'd look over the infirmary while he was gone, and he thanked her. Leaving Atlantis was harder than he'd imagined as the Ancient city had finally begun to feel a bit like home. He couldn't help but think that he'd lost something in this move. Still, he knew it was the wisest course of action for his recovery. He'd spent a lot of time last night thinking of it. His younger brother, Kenneth, was a physical therapist, and he'd spend a good portion of his recovery at home in Scotland. But he needed to finish his course of treatment at the SGC first.

Sarah pushed him through the halls, stopping briefly as various members of the Atlantis Expedition wished him well. The hallway outside the infirmary still showed vague signs of the explosion that nearly killed him, and he spent that time pushing away the few scattered memories he had of the event. Once in the gateroom, he stared up at the gate, marveling at how large it seemed now that he was confined to a wheelchair.

Sheppard met him in front of the gate. "Doc."

"Colonel." Carson looked around, getting a final feel for the city—something to carry him through his time on Earth. "Never thought I'd say this, but I'll miss this place."

Rodney chose that moment to appear. "Yeah, well, it'll still be here when you get back." The physicist stopped and thought about that for a moment. "I hope."

Carson couldn't resist giving Rodney an exasperated look. He turned to see Teyla and Ronon headed his way. The two Pegasus natives said goodbye in their own ways, and Carson wanted to reassure them that he'd return. This wasn't goodbye forever in his mind. These people were as much family as his blood relations, and he'd do everything in his power to return. But nothing came to mind.

Rodney finally summed everything up. "It won't be the same around here without you."

"Oh, you're tellin' me." Carson grinned. "Just try to keep the place in one piece, Rodney. I want an infirmary when I return."

"Keep the place in one piece? What are you talking about? Of _course_ I'm gonna keep the place in on piece!" Rodney continued to rant while Carson exchanged amused glances with Teyla, Ronon, and Sheppard.

Carter finally appeared. "I'm sorry I'm late." She glanced around. "Colonel Sheppard, thank you for your hospitality."

John raised his chin slightly. "No problem." He glanced up at Chuck and gave him a nod. "Dial it up."

As the gate started spinning, Carson took another deep breath. The wormhole established, and Sarah pushed him toward the event horizon. At the last possible moment, he glanced back and saw Rodney lift a hand in a wave. The physicist looked like he'd just lost his best friend, and Carson determined that he would return.

~TBC


	8. Chapter 8

By the time Carson reached the SGC infirmary, he felt as if he had the flu. In his current condition, it concerned him, but he said nothing as Sarah pushed his wheelchair down the halls. She had too much on her plate to concern herself with his health at the moment. Her focus needed to be on her mother. General Landry met them in the gate room and quickly sent them on their way.

Once in the infirmary, Dr. Carolyn Lam helped Sarah get him transferred into a hospital bed. Carson's headache had grown in those few moments, and he let out a grateful sigh as he settled back onto the pillows. The familiar sounds of the infirmary seemed so different in this military gray place, but he determined to make the best of it.

After she'd explained the healing device to Lam, Sarah moved to Carson's bedside. He smiled at her. "Thank you, love."

She returned the smile, but it didn't touch her eyes. "You're welcome, Carson."

"Call me when you get home." He lifted his head, though he felt like doing nothing but sleeping. "Please."

She cut off her protest and simply nodded. "I will."

With that, Carson let her walk out of the infirmary. He watched until she disappeared, however, more concerned than he'd felt for anyone else. Which was odd given his current medical condition. His muscles ached, and a chill settled into his bones even though he knew it wasn't cold. Leaning his head back into his pillow, he tried to ignore the growing urge to shiver, knowing it would hurt with his healing wounds.

"Dr. Beckett?" Lam's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. She moved to his bedside. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, a wee bit ill." He met her eyes. "I dinnae want ta tell ya wi' Sarah here. She would have worried."

Lam's eyes went to the door and back. "Well, she's gone, now. What are your symptoms?"

Carson scowled. "Headache, chills, weakness, bit of vertigo when I turn my head."

Lam's face sobered as he spoke. "Okay, let's get an IV started back up again, and I want to take a blood sample, as well as cultures from your wounds. If this is an infection, let's nip it in the bud before it gets started."

"Aye," Carson agreed. He didn't need to be told this, but he understood the necessity. In his current medical condition, an infection could be deadly.

Carolyn, as she insisted he call her, summoned another nurse, and they rolled him onto his side. She took the cultures from his wounds, apologizing at the pain when he cringed and let out an involuntary groan. His mind went to Sarah at that point, knowing he'd miss having her come for tea after his treatments. Then, he laid back and submitted to blood work and having an IV reattached. Carolyn wasn't Jennifer Keller, but she was an excellent doctor. And that professionalism showed through in her cool touch and the quick way she reacted. As she pulled the curtain around his bed after attaching various monitors to him, he looked at the ceiling and wanted to smile. It was good to be "home."

oOo

No one waited at La Guardia for Sarah when she arrived. Not having really expected it, she retrieved her suitcase from baggage claim and caught a cab outside. It was early evening by the time she managed to leave the airport, which wasn't bad considering that she'd just traveled several million light years to get here. The sun had begun setting, leaving New York's streets in shadow as the cabbie drove toward her parents' Fifth Avenue penthouse. According to her father, he'd sacrificed blood, sweat, and tears to get them that expansive home. In reality, Sarah knew it came from the massive bank account her father's family had amassed before he even inherited anything.

Shaking her head at her family history, she paid the cabbie, tipping him well, and quietly rode the elevator to the penthouse. She'd not called or told anyone that she was coming, preferring to surprise them in case her father became angry. With her mother's health so precarious, she didn't want to be kept away when a sudden arrival would solve the issues. _Well, a few of them_, she amended as she knocked on her parents' door.

Her brother answered her knock. Benjamin Cooper MacKenzie, Jr, called BC by his friends and sister, blinked at her. "Sarah!"

She smiled at his stunned look. "Hey, BC. You gonna let me in, or do I need to get a hotel room?"

"Yeah!" He stepped back, a grin forming on his handsome face. Out of her entire family, BC understood her dilemma. He'd been the one to take up their father's profession of law, but primarily because he wanted to be a public defender rather than the high-priced defense attorney their father expected. "You came!"

"Of course I came." Sarah let her duffel bag drop to the floor and hugged her younger brother. He was taller than her, broader in the shoulders, and held her tightly for a bit. "How is she?"

BC's smile faded, telling Sarah more than his words. "She's not good." He picked up her duffel bag and headed down the hall toward the bedrooms. He kept his voice low and avoided looking directly at her. "There's a hospice worker who comes every day, but you'll be good for her."

Sarah put a hand on his arm as soon as they gained her bedroom. "Ben, just tell me."

He blinked a few times, his blue eyes faded and betraying his own exhaustion. "She doesn't have six weeks. I don't think so, anyway."

Sarah nodded and glanced away. Her own exhaustion pressed in on her, something born of the recent events on Atlantis as well as her long journey. She thought vaguely of Carson and how he was doing at the SGC, but that world seemed so distant at the moment. Right now, with her brother watching her, she couldn't fall apart. She'd always been the strong one of the two of them, and he'd need that now. Her brother's strength was in academics, the classroom and courtroom, not real life. It was one reason Sarah had returned to school after obtaining her first degree at a young age. Turning to face the elaborate bedroom her parents kept for her, she ran a hand over her eyes and pushed that irritating lock of hair from her face. When she finally looked at her brother, she studied him with a nurse's eyes.

He was pale. BC had always been fair-skinned, but this was different. His blue eyes were rimmed in red, and his normally perfect brown hair was ruffled, something that rarely happened in her parents' home. And he wore a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows rather than the traditional tie their father expected. His slacks were wrinkled, as well.

Sarah let out a deep breath. "I'll go see her."

BC met her eyes. "She's different." He shook his head. "Frail."

"I know." She couldn't stop the next question. "Did Father do nothing when she was diagnosed?"

His lips clamped together, and Sarah had her answer. The anger on her brother's face spoke volumes about how their father had dealt with their mother's illness.

Rather than answering, she slipped out of her bedroom and to the opposite side of the penthouse. After a soft knock, she opened the door to see her mother propped on pillows in the center of the massive bed. The regal oak headboard and four posters with elaborate carvings made Katherine's frail form seem even smaller. Her long brown hair, something Sarah wished she'd inherited, was thin and spread over the top of the pillows. She moved when Sarah appeared and smiled. "Sarah!"

Rushing to her mother's side, Sarah tried to smile. "Hey, Mum!"

Katherine actually smiled at that. "I didn't know your father contacted you."

"He didn't," Sarah said bluntly. "BC did."

Katherine nodded once. "Sorry. . . ." She blinked slowly. "Medications are making me. . . ."

"I know, Mum." Sarah touched her mother's hand, her experienced eyes already going over the different machines meant to keep Katherine comfortable for her last few weeks. "I'll be here when you wake up."

Katherine drifted to sleep, and Sarah held her mother's hand. Through her years growing up, Katherine had hated the term "Mum" or "Mom," preferring to be called "Mother." Now, however, it didn't matter. Sarah fell back on the childhood term as a way to make things more comfortable for her rather than keeping up formalities. At this point, there wasn't much choice.

Once she was sure Katherine was resting as comfortably as possible, Sarah stood and carefully left the room. With the thick door closed, her mother would hear very little of what happened outside the room. Sarah marched down another long hallway, making sure her heels made as much noise as possible in warning. BC appeared behind her, arms folded and watching for the inevitable explosion. Sarah ignored him, choosing to throw open yet another thick door.

Benjamin Cooper MacKenzie, Sr. looked up in surprise, the smoke from the cigar in his hands curling toward the ceiling. The room reeked of it, as did the rest of the house, and Sarah left the door open as she stormed across the room. "Put it out."

Rather than greeting her, her father chose to hold her gaze. "I beg your pardon?"

Sarah refused to back down. "Put. It. Out."

"I don't think it's your right to come into _my_ home and demand that I change my ways." He took another drag on the cigar, deliberately blowing the smoke toward her.

Sarah moved forward, planting her hands on his desk and leaning into her father's face. "Your wife—my _mother—_is _dying_ of lung cancer. You are insisting on agitating that by continually smoking inside this home. As long as I am here, you will put. . .it. . .out."

He set down the cigar in a tray. It was always this way with her father. The shouting matches had ceased as Sarah had grown older, and she often wondered how she'd managed to turn out as good as she had when her father had not cared about anything she did. Until it brought him shame, that is. "How did you know?"

"BC." Sarah straightened, folding her arms across her chest. "Why didn't _you_ contact me? For that matter, I happen to know this could probably have been treated."

Benjamin finally stood, a sign that Sarah had managed to get under his skin. "You think we did nothing? She spent a month—a _month—_at Sloan-Kettering until they determined there was nothing that could have been done."

"And I could have been called when she first went into Sloan-Kettering."

"How? You're off on some top-secret mission that no one is supposed to know about. There was no way. . . ."

"BC found a way," Sarah interrupted. "If he did it as a law student, you—with all of your prestigious clients and contacts—could have done so sooner. If you'd wanted to." She paused and, when her father said nothing, nodded. "Get used to not smoking in the house. And, if you do, you'll have to wait until the smoke dissipates before you go see her."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, Father." She met his eyes. "Oh. And I'm staying here. Just thought you should know." Turning on her heel, she left the office, careful not to slam the door so that it wouldn't interrupt her mother's rest. She was shaking from anger and hurt, amazed that her father thought so little of her that he wouldn't contact her. Still, it did not change the fact that she wasn't going anywhere. BC touched her shoulder on the way past, and she nodded in appreciation.

Back in her room, she set about unpacking and making herself at home. If her father insisted on being so distant, Sarah would be okay with that. She and BC were here to spend the time with their mother, and she determined that she'd make Katherine's last days everything they could be. It was the least she could do for the woman who raised her.

She had taken a shower and slipped into pajamas before she remembered that she needed to call Carson.

oOo

Carolyn Lam's appearance drew Carson out of his doze, and he slit his eyes to look at her. He felt awful, but he was at least resting rather than floating in and out of a drug-induced or pain-filled haze. His blood pressure had stabilized, and he no longer wanted to vomit if he moved.

The last two weeks had been torture for him. He'd returned to Earth feeling every ounce of his grief over the loss of Elizabeth, not to mention the flu-like symptoms that deepened over the next day. By the end of his second day back on Earth, he'd been diagnosed with Toxic Shock-Like Syndrome, a common complication with injuries such as his. Carolyn started him on several different medications, most of which were antibiotics, fluids, and intravenous gamma globulin to help boost his failing immune system. Fortunately, he'd not experienced liver or kidney failure or complications from the infection, but it left him rather confused and miserable for nearly a week.

Now, he waited for Carolyn to drop the bombshell she apparently held. He'd spent his time floating in and out of reality, thinking about Sarah, and then praying for the next dose of medicine to help his symptoms. Somewhere in there, they'd also managed to squeeze in two more treatments with Rodney's healing device, which created more suffering even though he knew it would get better in the long run.

"Come in, Dr. Lam." Carson didn't bother to straighten in the bed. He was still a bit too weak, something he was glad to be back on Earth to experience. He did _not_ need his friends seeing him like this. "Are ya here for another treatment?"

"Actually. . . .no." Carolyn, whom Carson didn't know well, met his eyes. "Not yet, anyway."

Carson lifted his head from his pillow, feeling the muscles in his neck ache even though he knew it was a residual reaction to the TSLS. "What is it?"

"We figured out what caused the TSLS." She moved to his bed, checking his IV line and generally keeping her hands busy. "And we've done a bit more research into that device you brought back with you."

Carson suddenly understood how people felt when he delayed telling them the truth. "What did ye find?"

"That it's causing problems." Carolyn stepped back and folded her arms, her matter-of-fact personality coming to the fore. "While it heals your wounds, it also slows the body's natural healing abilities. You're experiencing more pain because your burns, which were severe, are not as severe as they would be. That's keeping them moist and painful, the perfect breeding ground for infection. In addition, your immune system was suppressed by the burns, and the device somehow—and we're not entirely sure how—aggravated that condition."

He took a few moments to absorb the implications. "While it's makin' me better, it's also makin' me sick."

"Yeah." She met his eyes. "Carson, if you want to continue the treatments, we'll continue them. But you should know the risks involved."

He turned to stare at the ceiling. If he continued the treatments, he'd be back to work in Atlantis much sooner. He'd be able to move and have very little pain once the treatments were done. But his recovery time would be complicated by the absence of an immune system. Which could create even more problems. Or he could discontinue treatments and let his body heal naturally. It would take a lot longer, require physical therapy, and leave him with a few more scars. But the danger to his immune system wouldn't be as great. As a doctor, he knew the prudent course of action would be to discontinue the treatments. As a man, he wanted the healing done as quickly as possible so that he could return to work.

The two options weighed on him with their benefits and drawbacks, and Carson was grateful when Carolyn left him alone. He couldn't just think about himself. He needed to think about his mother, his family, his friends on Atlantis, and Sarah. Somehow, she'd become one of the things to list separately rather than lumping her in with the rest of his team on Atlantis. He'd thought about her over the last two weeks, and he'd wondered how she was coping with her mother's health. Her one phone call after she'd arrived just wasn't enough. Not for someone accustomed to having her visit him daily.

Realizing that he'd let himself get distracted from the issue at hand, Carson dragged his mind back to the topic of his health. He didn't like to think about it, preferring to help someone else. But he couldn't help another person if he wasn't at his best. And he might never be at his best if he continued to use that bloody device.

That, more than anything, made his decision. When Carolyn returned a short time later, he told her his wishes, and she agreed. They would continue with the antibiotics and the gamma globulins for the next week to make sure he'd managed to get rid of the infection. But, with any luck, his immune system would resume its work once the healing device's effects wore off. After that, he'd likely be sent home to recover. Carson smiled. More than once, he'd daydreamed and imagined his return to Scotland. But it had never been like this. Still, it would be wonderful to see his home again, to hug his mother, and to laugh with his brothers.

Thinking of home and all of the inherent chaos, Carson let out a weak chuckle. Reliving childhood memories and eating at his mother's table sounded like the best way to recover from his ordeal. Now, if he could just let go of this worry he felt for Sarah. . . .

~TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Katherine MacKenzie died three and a half weeks after Sarah arrived home. In that time, Sarah constantly worked to make sure her mother had everything she needed. Her initial confrontation with her father hadn't helped her cause, but she refused to back down. Not when it was this important. As a result, Benjamin often visited Katherine late at night, when Sarah was resting. She knew because BC told her. At least he'd stopped smoking in the house—something that had undoubtedly contributed to her mother's current condition—and avoided openly confronting Sarah. But she knew the confrontation would eventually occur.

And it did. . .two days before her mother's death. Benjamin had agreed to sit down with his children and discuss their mother's last wishes. It was a conversation Sarah knew was coming but wanted to avoid. Because of Katherine's condition and Sarah's experience as a nurse, she rarely left the penthouse for more than a few moments at a time. On this particular night, she'd left BC in charge of Katherine's care while she went to the grocery store. She could have asked someone else to go, but she needed to get out for a bit. After an hour at the store plus the time it took to get there and back, she spent three in the kitchen to make sure the meal was perfect. Right as she set it on the table, complete with silverware and the perfection her father demanded, Benjamin called to tell them that he wouldn't be home until late. BC came into the kitchen to find Sarah in a rage, scraping the plates into the garbage and wondering why she even tried.

She was waiting in her father's office when he arrived home. BC had managed to calm her, and they shared a subdued meal at the kitchen table. Her brother tried to make up for their father's absence, appreciating Sarah's time and effort, but it was a poor substitute. And he knew it. All her life, she'd been trying to gain her father's approval, and she'd gone out of her way to tame her own opinions and attitudes for her mother's last days. As she ate, she decided it wouldn't happen any longer.

Benjamin flipped on the light in his office, temporarily blinding Sarah. She refused to allow it to show in more than a couple of blinks. He stared at her, and she knew why. In all of her years, she'd never once dared to sit behind The Desk, much less prop her feet on it like she had now. Tonight, it felt warranted. Rather than speaking, she waited to see how he'd respond.

He set down his briefcase beside the door. "Sarah."

"Dad." She used the word deliberately. Her father had always demanded "high society" from his children, preferring "Father" over other terms. Now, she let her sarcasm show through in the one word, satisfied when he clenched his jaw.

"I'm sorry. But it couldn't be avoided."

"So, you're saying that your _wife_ and _children_ are not as important as your clients?" She dropped her feet to the floor with a thud, suddenly happy she'd worn her comfortable boots rather than her normal sneakers or heels. In fact, she'd dressed to confront, with an edgy pair of jeans, sleeveless top, and thick belt. It was totally opposite of everything he'd demanded of her when she was younger.

"That's _not_ what I said." Benjamin lifted his chin. "You don't understand what's riding on this case."

"Explain it to me." Sarah pushed out of the chair and rounded the desk to face him. "Explain to me how your dying wife is less important than your case. Explain how, in spite of the millions your family has tucked away, you'd rather work than spend time with your family. It's all you've ever cared about, so I don't know why I thought this would be any different. But I did. I thought that life and death would actually change you. I guess I was wrong."

"Sarah." Her father reached out to touch her arm, and she pulled away. He sighed dramatically. "Your mother understands."

"Does she?" Sarah glared at him. "Because, when I talked to her just before she fell asleep, she asked where you'd been."

He didn't seem to have an answer for that.

Sarah headed for the door. "Don't make any plans for the next few days. Because, quite honestly, I don't think she's got more than a week. After that, you'll be free to do whatever you wish. Just don't expect me to condone it when it happens."

With that, she slammed out of the office and stomped to her room. Once behind closed doors, she let out a deep sigh and leaned against the wall. _Why_ did her father have to be like this? For the first time since her arrival home, she seriously considered calling Carson. That first night, he'd sounded weak but thrilled to hear her voice. And, in truth, hearing his warm accent had calmed the emotions that she hadn't told him about. Over the last few weeks, she'd thought about him and about how he'd react to her situation. But he had enough to worry about with that healing device and getting better so he could return to work. He didn't need the concern he'd naturally feel over her family's problems. So, she'd refrained from telling him.

Now, however, she got as far as picking up the phone before she stopped herself. Carson was—hopefully—in his own room and recovering nicely. In all this time, he'd likely been making improvements and would, maybe, be on his feet before she managed to get back to the SGC. He did not need her causing worry and slowing down that process.

Two days later, her mother passed. Sarah sat at Katherine's side while BC stood behind her, a hand on her shoulder. Their father slipped into the room right before the end, smelling of cigar smoke and alcohol. Sarah didn't even bother rolling her eyes. In her mind, her father was a lost cause. Katherine's face lit up when he moved to the other side of the bed, and she finally let go of her life peacefully ten minutes later.

When her mother breathed no longer, Sarah waited for the reaction to occur. Benjamin laid his wife's hand on her stomach and rose, walking out of the room without a word. Sarah's tears flowed, but she never broke down like she wanted to. She couldn't. There were too many details to figure out and too much to think about to risk dissolving into a crying heap. As it was, BC hugged her close for a long time, shedding his own tears. Out of the two parents they'd been "blessed" with, Katherine had been the understanding one. Though unable to stand up to Benjamin and selfish in her own right, she'd been kind to them, caring, loving like any mother. The distances came and went with social events, but Katherine always returned to their side. And she'd been known to skip a few social events if one or the other of them had been sick.

The funeral arrangements went smoothly, a testament to her mother's will and to the expected end. Sarah endured it stoically, pushing the emotion behind the mask she'd learned to wear long ago. At the funeral, she heard whispers about how well she was handling the loss and if her training as a nurse had prepared her. She wanted to scream at them, wanted to tell them that _nothing_ could have prepared her for losing the woman who gave her life. Instead, she smiled distantly and ignored their chatter about how out of date her clothing was. Before long, she'd be able to leave New York and head back to Atlantis. At least she'd be able to be a little closer to her true self there.

BC returned to Harvard three days after Katherine's funeral. He apologized profusely, but Sarah understood. He needed to get back to his studies. The last minute things concerning her mother's will—including a surprisingly large sum of money in a trust fund left for each of the children—had already been resolved. Benjamin made sure each of them had access to the funds and gave them carte blanche to do as they pleased with it. Sarah suspected he did so to appease his children's anger over his behavior before Katherine's death. The twenty-four hours between BC's departure for Harvard and Sarah's own departure for the SGC was spent in tense silence. Neither one of them spoke, and Sarah eventually packed her bags hours before her plane left.

Knocking on her father's study door, she wasn't surprised to find him smoking a cigar and staring out the window. He turned. "Sarah."

"I just wanted you to know I'm leaving." She kept her voice calm. "My plane leaves in three hours, and I have a few errands to run before then."

"I see." He met her eyes. "And you'll be returning to this top-secret facility or whatever it is."

She never blinked. "I have a contract. I'm sure you understand how _important_ that is." She let the insult settle over him for a moment. "Don't worry about seeing me off. I've got a cab waiting."

Her father waited until she turned away. "Sarah, it was good to see you."

She looked over her shoulder at him. "Somehow, I doubt that." Without another word, she left the study and the penthouse. Giving directions to the cabbie, she settled back into the chair. During her time caring for her mother, Katherine had commented on Sarah's beautiful hair, wishing she could have something similar. Sarah had decided on honoring her mother by making sure someone else could have beautiful hair when in the same situation. At the high-priced salon, she showed the picture she'd printed from the internet to the hair dresser and closed her eyes as the stylist went to work. When it was done, she signed the paper giving the hair over to a small charity that actually made wigs for cancer patients unable to afford them, adding, "In loving memory of Katherine MacKenzie" in the tag line. Then, she headed for the airport, enjoying the feel of the way her hair bounced around her face. Making such a donation in her mother's name felt good, and she looked forward to the next two weeks on Atlantis to get her bearings in her world.

oOo

Three weeks made a difference in Carson's recovery. While he still experienced a great deal of pain, discontinuing use of the healing device actually helped. He recovered well from this bout with TSLS and made continuous improvements with gaining his freedom. He was able to begin standing for short amounts of time three and a half weeks after his arrival on Earth, and the ability to transfer from his bed to a wheelchair thrilled him. He took to rolling around the infirmary, keeping various patients company if they seemed a bit restless. At one point, he even managed to entertain Vala while letting Dr. Jackson get some rest. It felt good to regain the ability to move.

Carolyn watched him closely, however. She agreed to release him to return home to Scotland when he was able to dress himself and function on his own. She realized that he'd need some help, but she didn't want him to relapse. Carson understood. At any other time, he would have been tempted to downplay what he felt. But he stayed honest with Carolyn, knowing that his mother would soon take over his care. And he needed to be as healthy as possible for that. The day Carolyn removed his IV felt like a new lease on life, and he worked to consistently stay in high spirits.

Finally, she released him. He rolled to the set of guest quarters he'd been provided in the SGC, stopping to shake hands with various people along the way. Many of them had become acquaintances during his time in the infirmary, and Colonel Mitchell took the time to walk with him the entire way. The colonel had re-learned to walk when doctors felt he never would, so Carson appreciated the way the man overlooked the wheelchair and never once offered to help him. After being left on his own, he took as long of a shower as his body could handle and dressed in a pair of khaki slacks and a black short-sleeved pullover. The healing wounds on his behind and legs still ached and burned, but most of his problems now arose from muscular atrophy thanks to two months in a hospital bed.

After a shower, he logged onto the computer provided, checked his bank account, and started making plans. He wanted to return to Scotland as quickly as possible, but he also wanted to do so as economically as possible. Unfortunately, his mobility issues required extra care, and he contacted Carolyn about the possibility of having someone travel with him. It would cost extra, but it would make layovers in airports much easier to handle. He'd just finished finalizing his ideas and was about to click the button to make the purchase when someone knocked on his door.

Carson turned in his chair and frowned. Who would be visiting him so quickly after his release from the infirmary? Concerned that this might delay his return to Scotland, he wheeled over to the door and opened it.

Sarah MacKenzie stood on the other side, her duffel bag slung across her chest and a hesitant expression on her face. Carson stared at her for a few moments, trying to absorb the changes he saw. She was pale, and the dark circles under her eyes stood out even more in the light from his room. She twisted her fingers together until she realized he'd opened the door, and then she stilled them by dropping them to her side. But her hair caught his attention. When he'd last seen her, she'd worn it long and in a ponytail down her back. Now, it fluttered around her face and shoulders, barely brushing her shoulder blades. The lock of hair that had fallen forward in such a tantalizing manner was now joined by several others. The look was edgy and trendy rather than elegant, but it fit her well.

"Sarah!" He moved out of the doorway. "Come in!"

She gave him an embarrassed smile and stepped through the door. He closed it while she shed the heavy duffel bag she carried, and Carson took it from her hands and deliberately placed it beside the door. He may have been confined to a wheelchair, but he refused to act any less the host that he'd always been. Pushing himself further into the room, he glanced around. "I'd offer tea, but I've only just arrived myself."

"It's okay." Her low voice washed over him, and he smiled. He'd missed this—missed her. Unfortunately, she glanced down before he could admire much more than the hint of her blue eyes. "I wasn't going to stay for long. I just wanted to check in with you before I head back to Atlantis."

Carson's smile faded as he listened to her voice. It had a rough edge, something that wasn't there before, and he motioned toward the chair. "Sarah, love, have a seat." When she perched on the edge of the bed, he wheeled over to her. "What happened?"

"She died." Sarah finally met his eyes, and the depth of grief in them surprised him. "I mean, I knew it would happen. I think we all did. But. . . ." She shook her head, blinking back her tears.

Searching for something to say that would change the subject, he smiled. "Well, for what it's worth, I'm here to listen if you'd like to talk." When she didn't say anything, he pointed vaguely. "I like what you've done with your hair. It's. . . ." His voice trailed off at her reaction to that. She looked down at her hands and then pressed one fist to her mouth in an attempt to control her emotions. Carson leaned forward, ignoring the lingering pain and stiffness to take her other hand. "Oh, love, I meant nothing by it."

"I know." Her voice cracked, and she looked up at him with tears filling her eyes. One of them rolled down her cheek as she drew in a ragged breath. "It's just. . . .Mother commented on my hair so often that I. . . ." She blinked, clearly an effort to clear her eyes of the tears. It only succeeded in sending more down her face. Her grip on his hand tightened as she used her other one to wipe away the offending moisture. "I found a charity that donates hair. . . ._Really_ donates hair, and does it for low-income patients. I thought it would be best to honor her. . . ."

As she talked, her voice broke a bit more. She stopped speaking when the emotion became too much. Carson held her hand while she cried, wishing he could do more. As she wept, she began to pour out the entire three-and-a-half weeks. At first, he understood her frustration with her father, her grief over her mother, and all the little things she was telling him. He also understood that it wasn't that she _wanted_ him to know. She had suppressed all of this for so long that it wouldn't stay contained. By the time she reached the part of her story where she cooked dinner for her father and brother—or so he gathered from the almost incoherent weeping—he made a decision. He let go of her hand long enough to transfer from the chair to the bed. Then, ignoring the way it stretched his muscles in an unfamiliar way, he slipped his hand under her newly-cut hair and pulled her head onto his shoulder. She came willingly, a testament to her broken emotions, and Carson wrapped his arms around her.

He held her as she cried for the first time in weeks.

oOo

Sarah felt empty. She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, not really wanting to move but knowing she needed to move. She'd come to Carson's guest quarters intent on checking in with him before asking to be sent back to Atlantis. She'd never meant to break down so spectacularly. Now, though, she was almost glad she did. Almost. They sat side by side on the bed, his arms around her while he'd tucked her head under his chin. He didn't speak, but his steady heartbeat in her ear made her tip her lips up in a half-smile. She really had no energy for anything more than that.

Carson's hands had settled into a comfortable area near her waist, intimate but not presumptuous. They really didn't know one another well, but Sarah knew he wouldn't hurt her. Not like the last man who had held her during an emotional breakdown. Last time, the moment she calmed, the man had taken advantage of her hesitation to pull away by kissing her. One thing led to another, and she'd begun a relationship that never should have happened.

Now, however, Carson simply held her. His hands moved slightly, mostly to travel up and down her back when she rubbed her face in his shoulder. He smelled vaguely of ointment—likely used on his burns—and soap, a combination she'd never liked but now found incredibly enticing. His polo shirt did nothing to hide the scars on his lower back, and Sarah thought to move her arms. But he hadn't complained so she didn't worry about finding the energy to change position. The silence in the room weighed on them, and Sarah closed her eyes momentarily.

Carson shifted at that moment, moving as if her hair had irritated his face somehow. But he didn't let her go, and she sensed that he was waiting for her to move away. Taking another deep breath and smelling that unique scent that was his, she didn't want to put any distance between them. Oh, she wasn't ready for anything other than a shoulder to lean on, but she needed the closeness of another human being. The only man to truly hold her like this was her brother, and he didn't count. Having someone that she could see as a romantic interest if it wasn't for their jobs hold her like this meant more than she could say.

Her eyes closed again, and it was harder to open them. She fought for another few moments, realizing she should pull away and find some distance. But the comfort felt too good. The weeks of tension on Atlantis combined with the weeks of caring for her mother pressed in on her, and she lost the fight to stay awake. Her final thought as she drifted to sleep was that she needed a man like Carson in her life. Maybe, then, she'd be able to truly be herself instead of hiding all the time.

oOo

Carson felt when Sarah fell asleep. He recognized it from his short relationship with Laura Cadman and smiled at nothing in particular. Sarah's meltdown had been pretty intense, and he knew she would be embarrassed when she finally came to herself. But he was not afraid to admit that he loved feeling needed on some level. The moment she rubbed her face into his shoulder was the moment he admitted that he couldn't deny his feelings for this woman any longer.

Sarah let out a deep breath, and her body leaned into his even more. Carson moved to glance down, seeing how her face had completely relaxed. The signs of stress that had been there when she'd appeared at his door were gone, and her mouth sagged open a bit in her sleep. He smiled at that, thinking of how different it felt to be the pillow. But his body needed to move. The still-healing burns were starting to ache, and he needed to change positions. Put some distance between them. Had he been healthy, he would have simply laid her out on the bed and then stretched out next to her, pulling her close and holding her through the night. But he was in no condition to start a relationship right now. Not with the months of physical therapy and healing still ahead of him. And he hadn't told her about his fight with TSLS either. She hadn't needed the stress on top of her mother's death.

When Sarah's chin dipped so low that it nearly touched her chest, Carson reluctantly moved. It took some doing to gently lower her to the bed, transfer back into the wheelchair, and then get her adjusted on the mattress. As he removed her shoes and covered her with a light blanket, he thought about his options. He couldn't just send her back to Atlantis in this state. She needed time to recover from the loss in her family as well as the deep hurts her father had inflicted. As she slept comfortably, he retrieved a clean shirt from the drawer and went to the bathroom to change. His mind worked over the problem, and he fired off an email a few moments later. Within twenty minutes, he'd received the answer he'd expected and smiled yet again.

Seeing no other alternative, Carson wheeled to the other side of the bed and carefully laid down for the night. Sarah's presence just next to him kept his mind from relaxing, but he managed to drift to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. He slept through the next several hours without the aid of medications for the first time in over a month.

~TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Sarah woke slowly the next morning. As she did, she tried to figure out why she struggled to regain consciousness. On any normal day, she normally popped out of bed in a semi-decent mood. Lately, she'd had problems waking up because of late nights with her mother. But this was different.

She was warm. Not that she didn't stay warm under her own blankets. But the warmth came from in front of her as she lay on her left side. A steady beat reached her ear, and she slowly realized that her right arm was draped across another body.

_That_ woke Sarah faster than anything ever had, including the time BC stuck ice under her blankets. She jerked up a bit and blinked at Carson's face. He stirred as if she'd jarred his injuries and then settled back to sleep, his face turned somewhat away from her. The lines that normally deepened when he was thinking, smiling, or in pain had eased in sleep, leaving only a hint of them on his skin. Sarah stared at the laugh lines around his eyes, happy he was asleep and she could sort out her feelings.

Did she crawl out of bed or simply settle back in until he woke? And what time was it? She remembered being so tired after her emotional melt-down that she didn't want to move, but she couldn't say at what point she'd fallen asleep. Her mind just recalled Carson's warmth and quiet patience with her.

Looking back at his face, she smiled slightly. Her experience with men had never been great, primarily due to her desire to do the exact opposite of what her father wanted. Her father wanted a good, stable man for her life, so she went for rowdy, bad-boy types. But Carson was good, stable, with a career, and a man who would likely leave the great Benjamin Cooper MacKenzie, Sr. speechless if he ever let loose with that Scottish accent and amazing mind. And he did have an amazing mind. In the time she'd been on Atlantis, they'd shared enough conversations for her to know that _Doctor_ Carson Beckett was even more formidable than the man bearing the name. It was what defined him, what gave him purpose, and what helped tame his natural Scottish temperament into something that made him lovable to all who met him.

Even confined to a wheelchair, he was the most attractive man she'd ever met. Last night, when she'd arrived, she'd had to force herself not to stare at him. He'd worn a black polo shirt and tan slacks then, wheeling around his room like a pro and smiling without being embarrassed about it. Now, he lay next to her—on _top_ of the blankets—wearing the same tan slacks but a blue shirt. Or so it appeared in the one small lamp he'd left on the night before. She wondered exactly how blue his eyes would be when she saw him awake and then wondered if she'd be able to handle that.

"Are ya goin' ta stare all day, love?" His amused voice startled her, and she felt her face darken several shades.

But she had an answer. "It's not staring, Carson. It's _observation_. I figured you'd know that being a medical doctor."

He opened his eyes slightly to study her out of the corner of them. A smile tipped his lips upward, and she suddenly had to remind herself to breathe. She'd seen Carson smile before, but never this close. He turned his head to look at her, his grin blossoming and the dim light causing the dimple in his left cheek to seem even deeper. "Aye, that it is." He moved slightly, and she smiled at the way he rubbed his eyes. Even though she'd seen Carson in a hospital bed, she'd never seen him like this.

Realizing that she was still partially draped over him, Sarah quickly sat up and swung her feet over the side of the bed. Not only was he still fully dressed, but she was missing only her shoes. He'd covered her with a warm blanket, but the SGC's environmental systems made even that almost unnecessary. The clock on the wall ready 10:38, and she quickly checked her watch for an AM or PM to add to that. When she'd stopped by, it had been nearly seven in the evening. She'd slept for thirteen hours? Turning to face him, she finally found her tongue. "I'm sorry for falling asleep."

He slipped a hand under his head and simply looked at her rather than sitting up. "Don't be, love. You needed the rest, and I didn't mind bein' a pillow."

Sarah flushed at that. "Yes, but your injuries. . . ."

"Don't give it another thought." He grinned at her and appeared to be searching for something to say.

Rather than waiting for him to awkwardly figure it out, she pushed to her feet. "Mind if I use your shower?"

He gave her a relieved look. "Go ahead. I'll probably slip out while you're showerin' ta check in with Dr. Lam. Then, would ya join me for some breakfast in the mess?"

Sarah grinned at that. "You mean lunch?" She pointed at the clock, and he lifted his head slightly to see around her. She saw the grimace he tried to hide when he moved and suddenly understood that he was trying to avoid showing her how badly he was hurting.

He met her eyes. "Aye, lunch it is."

Satisfied that he'd be okay, Sarah pushed to her feet and retrieved her duffel bag from near the door. Carson's eyes followed her all the way into the bathroom, and she closed the door behind her with a relieved sigh. Spending the night with him, though not in any inappropriate way, was still a huge thing to her. It meant that Carson was more than just a friend. She _trusted_ him, and that was something she'd tried to avoid.

The bathroom offered her yet another moment of surrealism. She'd spent time in these guest bathrooms before, but she'd never felt as if she'd stepped into a man's domain. With his aftershave sitting on the tiny bathroom sink, next to his toothbrush because the mirror wasn't a medicine cabinet, this seemed rather intimate. Hearing him moving around on the other side of the door, Sarah made quick work of starting the water. She still couldn't bring herself to begin disrobing until after she heard him leave the room entirely. Then, she climbed under the hot water and let it wash away the remaining tension of the last day.

oOo

As soon as Sarah disappeared into the bathroom, Carson dropped his head back onto his pillow. He'd slept better last night than he had in the entire previous month, likely due to the idea that he was no longer in a hospital bed. But his subconscious had prevented him from moving during the night so as not to wake Sarah, and he now regretted it.

Gritting his teeth together, he slowly sat up and shook his head to clear it. The pain was still there, however, as his healing burns and the shrapnel damage tightened muscles and skin. He knew physical therapy would be difficult at best, but he also looked forward to becoming even more independent than he'd been up to now.

The water in the bathroom started, and Carson used it as cover to change into fresh clothing and then slip out of the bedroom. By his leaving so early, he hoped no one would notice that Sarah also left his room some time later. It was inevitable that talk would occur, but she'd been hurt in recent months. While nothing had happened, he knew people wouldn't believe him if he told them. Instead, he headed for the infirmary, ignoring his empty stomach in favor of putting his plan into motion.

Lam turned when he wheeled through the door. "Dr. Beckett. I thought you were leaving today."

"Aye, so did I." He gave her a rueful smile. "I had a visitor last night, though, and I wanted ta talk with ye about it."

Rather than pressing him right there, Lam led him to her office. Once the door was closed, Carson explained Sarah's situation, ending with his idea to spare the SGC a nurse to travel with him as well as helping another member of the Atlantis Expedition to grieve for her family. Lam surprisingly agreed, particularly after Carson explained that Sarah had not taken any time off and likely did not plan to do so. When he left the infirmary, his mind was made up. He just hoped that Sarah would agree with him.

She waited outside the mess hall door, her hair looking freshly washed and dried. It stood out a bit at the ends, and the uneven layers actually accented her beauty rather than taking away from it. Today, she wore another sleeveless top—this one with a collar and buttons—and a pair of black jeans. The dark blue was to be expected, and her heeled boots clicked as she paced. Carson watched her for a moment. He'd been drawn to her back on Atlantis because of her classic beauty. This wild edge to her personality, something that didn't make itself known until now, appealed even more. There were depths to this woman that no one saw, and Carson was thrilled to have even begun to see them.

She spotted him before he finished working through his recent impressions of her. Walking to his side, she smiled with a slight flush on her face. "I'm sorry about last night."

"Think nothing of it, love." Carson pushed his chair toward the mess hall. "Lunch?"

Her stomach growled loudly, and her flush deepened. "Good idea."

Rather than laughing like he wanted, Carson simply waited while she held the swinging door and pushed through. He hadn't yet mastered going through a serving line, balancing a tray, and wheeling his chair forward, so he was grateful when Sarah naturally filled her tray with selections for the both of them. Today, the mess hall had served baked chicken with rice pilaf. They'd managed to arrive right as the food was fresh, so it actually looked somewhat appealing. A garden salad and iced tea finished off the meal.

At their table, Carson and Sarah shared light chatter while they took the edge off of their hunger. Neither of them mentioned the previous night, and the mess hall filled while they ate. Carson paid attention to those around him, knowing that he could avoid the elephant in the room only so long. When the crowd around them finally thinned, he reached for the piece of chocolate pie he'd swiped from the dessert line and met Sarah's eyes. "What are your plans, now?"

Her face, which had been somewhat relaxed, sobered. "I don't know." She stared at her empty salad plate, not having a dessert with which to cover her nervousness. "I figured I'd head back to Atlantis."

"Aye, I thought ye'd say that." He smiled when her head snapped up. "Ye've been through a rough time, love. You should take some time to yourself."

"I planned to. On Atlantis."

"It never works out that way," Carson replied. "Trust me. I know how easy it is to get drawn back into work."

"Do you have a better suggestion?" Her voice held a challenge, and he knew a good portion of it was a result of her relationship with her father. This woman wanted to make her own decisions, and she would do nothing to hinder that freedom.

"Aye, I do." He met her eyes. "Come to Scotland wi' me."

Sarah blinked at him, clearly not expecting that answer. "I beg your pardon?"

"You can stay wi' my mother, sleep until ye want ta get up, wander the garden, whatever ye'd like ta do." He heard his accent thicken with just talking about what might await her in his home country. "Ye need the time, love. An' I could use the help."

Her face changed as she obviously figured there was a catch. "Help?"

"Aye." He allowed his smile to slip and a bit of his frustration to show. "Once I get home, my brother will be movin' in wi' us, and he's an in-home health care provider as well as a physical therapist. But he cannae fly wi' me. I need a bit o' help in the airports, especially since there's likely to be some long layovers."

Sarah stared at him, and Carson waited for her to make the decision. He held her gaze, however, not letting her look away for fear that she'd find the strength to say no. Then, he saw it. Something in her gaze gave way, and she looked down to her empty plate. At that moment, he let a small smile escape. He'd just gained a traveling companion.

oOo

Sarah stared at her plate. She could _not_ be considering this. Not seriously. In all honesty, she'd expected Carson to be up and about when she arrived at the SGC, a result of that healing device. Instead, he was still confined to his wheelchair and asking for her help. Not in the long-term, of course. Just to get him to Scotland. "I can't stay long. I only have two more weeks."

"I know." His voice was soft, and he was smiling slightly. "But those two weeks will be the best thing ye could do."

"I know." Admitting that hurt. Sarah wanted to go somewhere that her father couldn't reach her, some place where she could escape the pressures of life in New York City. Atlantis sounded about as far away as she could get, but she had to confess a bit of intrigue with seeing Carson's country. Knowing that her decision had been made the moment she broke eye contact with him, she lifted her chin. "I'll pay my way." When he opened his mouth to speak, she lifted her hand. "You're paying for a one-way ticket now, and then another later. That's cheaper than a round-trip ticket for two weeks. I know it is, so don't even try to argue. I've got the money, and I'll pay for my ticket."

He clearly realized that it was the only way she'd agree because he nodded. "Alright. I haven't purchased my ticket, so would ye like ta do that now?"

She agreed, and they returned to his quarters to purchase tickets. Letting Carson man the computer, she looked over his shoulder as they organized a ticket for him and a round-trip one for her. The fact that he was still confined to a wheelchair made it a bit more problematic, but it was soon over and relatively painless. They would leave Denver the next day around ten in the morning and spend the next twenty-four hours either flying or waiting for a flight. Arrival in Edinburgh would be a welcome reprieve.

As they discussed their options, however, Sarah found her focus straying from the topic at hand. Carson had positioned his chair so that she could sit next to him. As a result, they were rather close together, sharing the same personal space. More than once, she was tempted to prop her chin on his shoulder and just listen as he spoke. She managed to resist and was grateful she had when he turned to look at her rather suddenly. Rather than staring at his amazing eyes so close to her face, she kept her focus on the computer screen and pretended to _not_ notice the way he hesitated for a fraction of a second.

With the tickets bought, Sarah excused herself and made herself comfortable in her own guest quarters. All through that night, she tried to sleep and tell herself she was going to Scotland to take some time for her. Carson asking her had nothing to do with it in the least. Around one in the morning, she gave up trying to deny the truth if only to get some rest. She was going simply because he'd asked, and she'd been struggling to say no long before he even told her that he'd need help.

The next day, Carson allowed her to drive the short trip to Denver, and Sarah didn't try to engage him in conversation. He looked determined even though just getting into and out of the car would take some doing. Thankfully, the place where she'd rented this particular car was in Denver's airport, so she wouldn't have to worry about that. And the route they'd chosen avoided La Guardia and New York altogether, landing for their second layover in Newark, New Jersey.

Once through airport security, they had an hour to wait before their plane even landed and began disgorging its passengers. Carson wheeled his chair to a stop next to the window and looked out, lost in thought as Sarah studied him. She could imagine what was going through his head. According to everything she knew of him, he'd want to protect his family from his job. Now, he was returning home injured because he'd been doing his job.

Somewhat uncomfortable now that they were actually getting ready to take off, Sarah leaned forward and put a hand on his arm. When he turned to look at her, she smiled at him. "They'll understand."

The slight flush that colored his face told her she'd guessed his thoughts correctly. "Aye, they will." He shifted in his chair so that he could look at her better. "I was just hopin' ta never have ta do this."

"Go home injured?" When he nodded, Sarah smiled. "I understand."

"I know ye do." He moved to cover her hand with his, and his thumb rubbed over the tops of her knuckles in a slow, almost sensual, fashion. "I'm just worryin' that my mother will want ta treat me differently."

Sarah pulled her mind away from what he was doing with his hand, knowing he likely hadn't even thought about the action or its effects on her. "I'm sure she will. But she'll realize how lucky she is that you're still alive. Give her time, Carson. She'll adjust."

"Aye," he agreed.

They fell silent for a few moments, but Carson still hadn't released her hand. And Sarah didn't want him to, as much as she liked to keep her distance. Something in this man's touch skipped over her reservations and went straight to the core of who she was.

When he let out a deep sigh and released her hand, she let him go. But he seemed to put his brooding into the background and met her eyes. "I can tell ye have questions."

There it was again. He had the uncanny ability to read her eyes and figure out what she was thinking. Sarah shifted in her chair. "I was wondering about. . . ." She motioned vaguely toward his wheelchair.

He glanced down and then smiled at her. "My little setback?" When she nodded, he smiled. "Och, love, ya dinnae need ta worry about offendin' me. This chair is only temporary until I rebuild my strength."

"I can tell you're headed home, Carson." Sarah grinned at him. "Your accent's thicker."

"Aye, it always happens." He let his smile spread across his face for a moment before turning serious again. "Well, I thought I'd be up and walkin' about, too. But that device Rodney found had side effects."

"We figured it would."

"Aye, that we did." He lowered his voice, though there was no one currently around to overhear. "When I got home, I came down with TSLS."

"Toxic Shock?" Sarah blinked and thought over it. Though it was an illness often associated with women during their monthlies, she also knew that it could be contracted through other means. Then, the irritation that she hadn't even known festered. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because ye had more than enough to deal wi' while watchin' over your mum." He smiled to soften the blow. "Ye dinnae need ta be worryin' about me, too."

Sarah couldn't argue with that. "What did this device do?"

"Lowered my body's natural ability to heal and suppressed my already suppressed immune system." He shrugged. "It appears that the bloody thing heals unnaturally fast—which we knew—at the expense of the patient's own healing abilities. While it was in regular use, it caused severe pain because it lowered the level of my burns down to second and third degree, instead of the almost painless fourth degree burns in places. And that caused me to catch TSLS a wee bit easier than if I'd been healin' on my own."

"So you decided to do things the old fashioned way?"

"Aye." He met her eyes. "Don't worry, love. I'll be back up and about before ye even leave Scotland to return overseas."

The waiting area had started to fill, and Sarah fell silent as she thought over the last couple of days. She didn't feel like she was starting an adventure, but she was relieved to be going somewhere. And some place that she wasn't needed. Her trust in Carson wasn't complete, but she knew him to be a man of his word—or so she suspected. He likely had no intentions of even asking her to lift a finger to help his mother in the course of any day, but she knew she would. It was her nature.

When their flight was announced and they were allowed to board, Sarah pushed Carson's wheelchair and waited while he handed their tickets to the flight attendant. She appreciated his attitude, knowing that he could have become bitter and insisted on playing the part of the helpless invalid. But that had never been Carson Beckett.

Suddenly, Sarah looked forward to finding out how different the Carson Beckett the _man_ was from Carson Beckett the _doctor_ and Carson Beckett the _patient_. As the plane took off, she settled in for an adventure, even if it wasn't one she would have taken willingly. Maybe, with this man at her side, she'd find the peace she'd been looking for since leaving for Atlantis.

~TBC


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note:** I am having some issues with my internet today. I know I am terribly behind on replying to reviews, and I apologize. But I've only just now been able to log in to post this chapter. So I'm not pushing my luck today. Hopefully in the next day or so, I'll be able to get caught up. Know that I appreciate every single one and that I grin with each review that comes in.

Also, I'm issuing a disclaimer for myself. The only Scottish accent I know is Carson's from the show. So please forgive me if I mangle it in my clumsy attempts to write a bit more authentically. I'm doing some research, so it should become a bit more refined in future chapters. Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

Carson knew the only reason his mother hadn't stormed the SGC when he returned to Earth was because of his brother. Kenneth Beckett was a brilliant man in his own right, and he often intervened when Moira Beckett wanted to hover over her children. In fact, when he'd first returned, Carson called _Kenneth_ before he called his mum. Moira would worry, and he wanted someone there with her when he informed her of his injuries.

True to form, Moira had panicked. She drew in a sharp breath at first and then started peppering him with questions. At that time, Carson had been feeling the first effects of the TSLS and had sounded weaker than he'd wanted. Once Moira's questions had been answered, she'd declared she was coming to see him. Kenneth had intervened at that moment, much like Carson had hoped, and had managed to talk their mother into waiting in Scotland while Carson fought for his life. He'd been grateful for his brother's presence and learning that Kenneth intended to move in with him and his mother for the length of his convalescence soothed the worries from Carson's mind.

Now, however, Carson wearily allowed Sarah to push him through Edinburgh's airport while mentally preparing to see his family again. He'd visited for a brief time right after the Siege and then again after the Ancients had kicked them out of Atlantis. When he'd returned to Atlantis that second time, he'd not anticipated coming home so soon. So much had happened since he'd last seen his mother, and he knew she'd recognize the weight he carried. Not to mention how he really felt about Sarah MacKenzie. He came by his gift of reading people honestly, and his mother had taught him the finer points before he went to medical school.

Their overseas flight had turned into quite a trial. The plane they'd taken from Denver had mechanical problems by the time they landed in Newark, New Jersey. As a result, they waited for another five hours—rather than the planned two—while the airlines helped them get a non-stop flight into Edinburgh. Sarah had been invaluable during that time. She'd stayed right with him, her face never showing any sign of impatience or irritation except for the obvious frustration with their situation. Carson tried to keep up his normally genial front, but being stranded halfway between the SGC and home was trying in the best of times. Now, confined to a wheelchair save for the briefest of walks using Sarah's arm for a bit of extra strength, it was unbearable. When they'd finally boarded their flight for the rest of the trip, he'd breathed a sigh of relief.

For her part, Sarah had enjoyed the time. Oh, it had been beyond frustrating, but Carson made it easy to stay calm. She saw the impatience on his face and tried to find ways to ease it. They took long walks through the airport, thankful that a few of the shops stayed open for the night. He insisted on buying her a novel to read, and she gratefully accepted his gift. The fact he didn't purchase anything for himself spoke volumes, but she smiled as he sorted through various t-shirts for his brother. Sarah knew he'd found the right one when, as she was browsing keychains just for something to do, Carson chuckled aloud. She turned as he held up a blue t-shirt with "I AM THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH" printed across the front in the old-fashioned dot-matrix font followed by what was obviously supposed to be a flashing cursor. He then explained that Kenneth had the uncanny ability to crash a computer faster than anyone else.

Once on their flight to Edinburgh, Sarah watched Carson settle into his seat and finally opened her book. She'd wanted this novel for the last month but hadn't taken any time to shop for it. Of course, her mother had dominated her time, and she now enjoyed the option of spending hours reading. Carson promised another visit to a bookstore in St. Andrews once they arrived, and the thought of days spent doing nothing beyond reading appealed even more. With their plane finally in the air, she allowed herself to get lost in the story. Carson's soft sigh pulled her out about an hour later, and she smiled. He'd finally fallen asleep, and the easing of the lines on his face told her that the pain medication he'd surreptitiously taken before leaving Newark had begun to work. Shaking her head, she went back to her book. Carson Beckett was a stubborn man, and that stubbornness had likely saved his life.

While he might have slept, she could not. About halfway through the book, Sarah's mind turned to their arrival in Scotland. Going to meet his family could have been awkward, and she expected for several tense moments to occur. But she loved how he'd made it seem natural for her. Well, as natural as traveling around the world with a man she barely knew could be. Of course, they'd already spent the night together, but that still didn't mean she was ready to meet his family.

_Still_, she mused as she stared out the plane window, _he's right. I need the time off_.

Unable to relax and sleep, Sarah divided her attention between the plane window, the in-flight movie, and reading. Every now and then, she'd glance at Carson to make sure he was okay. He woke once and asked for the pillow, but he'd also been trained to sleep anywhere, anytime. It was one trait of doctors that seemed universal.

They arrived in Edinburgh late the following afternoon. Sarah wearily pushed his wheelchair from the plane as the flight attendant apologized for the delay in the States. The weather was cool, much cooler than Denver, and it was raining when they arrived. Outside, the lights glittered off of the wet runways in an almost magical sense. It would have looked like any normal airport Sarah had been to in her life if not for the overwhelming accents surrounding her. In his chair, Carson smiled and looked around, apparently somewhat refreshed after his hours of rest on the plane. He bent his head toward his right, however, and massaged tense muscles on the left side of his neck. Sarah was grateful for the need to push his chair. The temptation to massage the pain away had almost been too much.

Leaving the airport was easier than getting into one. Sarah pushed Carson toward baggage claims, and she knew immediately when he spotted his family. He straightened in his chair and took over "driving," leaving Sarah to follow a bit slower. An elderly woman rushed forward, clearly fighting her tears as she gingerly hugged Carson, and a man around his age, maybe a bit younger, shook his hand and clapped him on the shoulder.

Then, the trio turned to her. Carson motioned her forward, and Sarah met Moira and Kenneth Beckett. Kenneth eyed his brother and then offered her a hand, something Sarah gratefully shook. But Moira surprised her.

"Och, Carson told me of the pain ye've had." She pulled Sarah into a warm hug. "Welcome to Scotland."

Seeing Carson's slightly embarrassed and rather indulgent smile over his mother's shoulder, Sarah returned the hug. After a moment, Moira let her go and stared into her face. "And ye're exhausted, as well." She turned to Carson. "Dinnae ye know better than ta wear the poor girl out?"

"Aye, Mum," Carson said softly. "But I'm grateful she's here."

"Aye, we all are," Moira agreed. She whirled and motioned to Kenneth. "Well, let's not just stand about. Let's get their bags and head home." The pair moved off toward the baggage claim, leaving Carson and Sarah to stare after them.

Carson rolled to her side. "I'm sorry. Mum can be a bit overwhelmin' when she's worried."

Sarah smiled at him. "Don't worry about it, Carson. I like her."

"And she likes ye, otherwise she would have told ye." Carson turned his chair to follow his mother and brother, leaving her to stare after him for a moment. Hearing the change in his accent—how much thicker it had become—amused her. The light in his eyes warmed her heart, and she suddenly realized how much she needed to beware. Carson had already slipped under her guard far too many times, and she didn't want him thinking she'd come here simply to fall for him. Not with all the things they faced.

Leaving the airport felt surreal. Sarah remembered years spent in London, but she'd learned to drive in the States. Driving on the left side of the road felt wrong somehow, yet it brought back fond memories of her time in England. Kenneth helped Carson get into the car and expertly stowed the wheelchair, leaving the back seat for Moira and Sarah. The two women shared a smile, and then Sarah promptly got lost trying to follow the conversation in the front seat. Apparently, Carson had as much Scottish Gaelic in him as he did an educated accent, because he and Kenneth took off in rapid-fire Gaelic that left her head spinning. It wasn't a happy conversation at first as Carson obviously spoke about his injuries. Moira followed along, her eyes going to the areas of her son's body that he pointed out. Kenneth listened closely, nodding in the manner of a doctor assessing his patient.

But the conversation changed eventually. Moira sat back and simply watched Carson while the two men laughed together. The drive to St. Andrews, where the Beckett family lived, passed slowly, and Sarah stared out the window and tried to keep any sign of her headache from her face. It had set in about the time the plane landed, and she wasn't keen on these people feeling the need to baby her.

Carson's family home might have seemed large to some, but Sarah had seen much larger in her time. Had lived in much larger, truth be told. And she soon found out that he had six siblings, five of which were brothers. A slight twinge for their sister—and specifically her significant other—ran through her, but Moira whisked her off upstairs to the guest room. It was a comfortable room, not overly large but still sporting a dresser, writing table, and full-sized bed. A washroom led off to the side, and Moira patted Sarah's arm.

"Thank ye for bringin' ma Carson home," the older woman said with tears in her eyes. "I dinnae know how bad. . . ."

When the older woman's voice broke, Sarah touched her arm. "Carson's strong. He'll make it through this."

"Aye," Moira agreed. She escaped quickly, and Sarah let her go.

Once alone, Sarah admitted just how exhausted she really was. She hadn't slept much since waking next to Carson, and the thought of that made her face heat in embarrassment. Moving to her duffel bag, she pulled out a fresh change of clothes and headed into the washroom to shower. The water removed the grime, and the dull weather made her sleepy. Climbing into the bed for a quick nap, she closed her eyes and sighed.

She was in Scotland. With Carson. What a combination!

oOo

Carson watched Sarah head upstairs with his mother and turned to find Kenneth trying badly to hide a grin. He glared. "Dinnae even think about it! She's just lost her mum ta cancer."

Kenneth's grin faded. "Aye, ye told me." He shrugged. "And I'm glad she came."

"Just avoid overwhelmin' the poor lass before she's had a chance ta settle," Carson warned. "Now, where am I stayin'?"

Kenneth led him toward the guest bedroom of the home—the one that had been the guest bedroom until now. Carson listened as his brother explained that he'd moved all of Carson's furniture downstairs and arranging it so that he could have as much mobility as possible. Their conversation turned to physical therapy, and Carson worked to find the distance he needed to discuss his care. As a medical doctor, he knew it was necessary, but he was not looking forward to the exercises or the pain as his body healed. Truth be told, he was in pain already, but Sarah had been so tired he hadn't mentioned it.

Once Kenneth delivered his luggage and left him alone, Carson set the brakes on his wheelchair and pushed to his feet. He felt as if he'd been sitting for far too long and now bit down on his tongue to keep from groaning at the pain. His muscles had locked during the last few hours, and it felt good to stretch in spite of how badly it hurt. Shaking his head at the dichotomy, he pulled out fresh clothes and took a few moments to wash his face and shave.

Feeling much more human—and knowing that he shouldn't be walking around much longer—Carson returned to his chair and headed for the main living area. The house had been completely rearranged with wider spaces so that he could fit his wheelchair through. His mum was in the kitchen, preparing their evening meal. Carson knew he'd need to find time to apologize for worrying her and for refusing to have her come to the States. Moira Beckett could hold a grudge, and Carson had seen what those grudges could do.

Footsteps on the stairs pulled him out of his thoughts, and he turned to see Sarah heading out the back door. His mother had kept a garden for years, and Carson followed her to see if she'd be okay. Once at the window, he stopped and watched. She held her book from the airport, though she wasn't reading as she walked the roses and other flowers that his mother somehow managed to grow. The light rain didn't seem to faze her even though it dampened her hair and made it turn a shade darker.

"She's lovely." Moira's voice startled him, and he turned to find her watching him closely.

"Aye, she is."

His mother's brows rose. "And ye've got feelin's for her!"

"Mum, don't look so surprised." Carson smiled as he admitted the truth. "It was bound to happen sooner or later."

"Aye, but not with someone ye work with." Moira stood next to him. "Sarah's got a lot ta deal with while she's here."

Carson nodded, not speaking. He was well aware of Sarah's issues.

Moira put a hand on his shoulder. "Just be careful, love. She's fragile right now. Let her heal in her time."

_This_ was why he'd asked Sarah to come to Scotland with him. Turning his chair so that his back was to the window, Carson met his mother's eyes. "Mum, I'm sorry ye weren't allowed ta come see me."

Moira waved a hand as she scrunched up her face. "Kenneth explained your injuries. I dinnae think I could manage seein' ye like that." Her eyes filled with tears. "When he told me ye'd been injured in an explosion helpin' someone, I couldnae have been more proud. We raised ye ta be that man, and I am so blessed to have ye here for however long ye stay."

Carson couldn't reply to that. He saw the anger beneath the surface, but she'd coped well. He had a feeling it had a lot to do with Kenneth also moving back home. At the core of her being, Moira Beckett was a mother, and that role gave her life meaning. She would do everything in her power to convince him to stay—he was sure of it. But, in the end, she'd let him return to Atlantis if it meant his happiness.

With a final glance out the window to where Sarah now read under an awning that protected her from the drizzling rain, Carson followed his mother into the kitchen and spent the next few hours reconnecting with his family.

~TBC


	12. Chapter 12

True to his word, Carson and his family left Sarah alone except to ask if she needed anything. For the first twenty-four hours, she was grateful. Life had changed in the last three days, and she needed the time to absorb her current circumstances. Seeing Carson's mother—Moira, as the woman asked to be called—greet him so happily made her miss her own mother. It wasn't anything they did on purpose, but it left Sarah feeling slightly out of sorts.

Of course, her exhaustion played a part in that. The afternoon they arrived felt like three in the morning. Sarah tried to sleep but couldn't get her mind to shut down. She wound up sitting outside in the back yard—called a garden by Carson—and watching the rain until she felt like crying. She allowed a few tears to escape but was careful to make sure she didn't show anyone inside the house what was happening. She didn't know Kenneth or Moira at all, but she knew Carson. And he'd want to be there for her.

That evening, Moira drew her into the kitchen as the evening meal was served. Sarah sat next to Carson and tried in vain to follow the conversation. But her brain had shut down an hour ago. Operating on autopilot didn't leave much room for interpreting a foreign accent. Though she was grateful they tried to tone it down for her sake. Still, once the dishes were cleared and Moira ran them out of the kitchen, Carson caught Sarah's hand and pulled her to a stop.

"You should try to get some rest, love."

"I know." She dropped into the sofa in the living room, looking him in the eye. "I guess I'm too keyed up to sleep right now."

"Aye," he agreed. "I understand."

Sarah glanced at the window, where rain pattered against it. "Though, with the weather, I should sleep well once I finally get there."

"Just do me a favor." He leaned forward and held her gaze. "Don't try to put off your needs because you think we need your help. You're here for you. And we all know that. Kenneth has already told me that he'll make physical therapy miserable if I do anythin' to make you mad. He wants you to enjoy your time here, as well."

She couldn't help the smile that crossed her face at that. She was accustomed to having BC watching over her, not a man she'd just met that day. "Tell your brother I said thanks."

"Oh, he knows." Carson smiled. "I really am glad ye've come."

"Me, too," Sarah said with genuine relief. "I wanted to head. . ._home_. . .to get away from New York. That drama was. . . ." Feeling her throat close, she glanced away and took a few deep breaths. When she looked back up, he was waiting patiently with compassion on his face. "I needed some time."

"Aye, I know what that's like." He sat back in his wheelchair as if it was a wingback chair and he'd crossed his ankle over his knee. "'Tis not an easy place."

"No." She decided to be honest. "He was still smoking in the house. My father, I mean. When I came home, Mother was lying in bed, hooked up to oxygen and machines and fighting to live long enough to see me again. He was off in his study, smoking a cigar and working like any other day. Right after she. . . .Uh. . . .he went right to his study. As if nothing was wrong." She swallowed the emotion and fidgeted.

Carson waited, seeming to know she had more to say. He didn't stare, but he made sure she knew he would listen. As the silence stretched, Sarah debated how much to tell him. Did she tell him about the absolute rage that poured through her the night her father didn't come home until late? Did she explain how badly she hated her father, how she almost wished it was him that had died of cancer rather than her mother? Could she tell Carson—a doctor—all of this and have him understand the anger and agony she experienced every time she thought about her father and his uncompromising demands that they be the perfect family?

Finally, he leaned forward and took her hand. "You don't have ta tell me, love." His soft voice brought her eyes up from her lap, and her gaze collided with his. With his voice almost a whisper, he smiled. "But I'll be here ta listen when you're ready."

She nodded silently, making a firm decision to let him see the conflict behind the mask. His face, which was already filled with compassion, softened even more, and she suspected he would have moved to hug her. But Kenneth chose that moment to wander through the living room. The younger Beckett looked suitably embarrassed at intruding on his brother and their guest, but he didn't draw more attention to the awkwardness. Instead, he simply said, "My apologies" and left the room.

Sarah chuckled as Carson withdrew, leaving her personal space as he did so. All at once, she felt a little lonely even though he still sat close enough that their knees were touching. She mused that he was the first man ever to invade her personal space whom she _wanted_ to linger there indefinitely. But he smelled so good, and his voice and accent rumbling near her ear was absolutely addicting. Not to mention those overwhelming blue eyes. Kenneth had the same eyes, but they were slightly lighter and a touch less amazing. Carson's had depths that his brother failed to show, even if Kenneth wasn't trying to be shallow.

The last twenty-four hours pressed in on Sarah, and she suddenly struggled to keep her eyes open. The sun had set some time ago, and the rain made the night seem even darker. The constant dripping outside combined with Carson's few moments with her soothed the tension brought on by an unfamiliar setting. She excused herself and pushed to her feet, touching his shoulder as she passed. "Thank you, Carson."

He looked up at her, his eyes bright as they studied her. "You're welcome, love." Then, he narrowed his gaze, managing to look amazingly attractive and stern all at once. "Now, get some rest."

"I plan to." Sarah left him alone, letting her fingers drag along his shoulder and fade away. One of the ways he related to her and managed to get below her defenses was through touch. It seemed natural to return the favor.

Upstairs in her room, Sarah dressed for bed and crawled under the covers. She fell asleep thinking about the smile on Carson's face as he chatted with his mother and brother and slept for fifteen hours.

oOo

Carson watched Sarah disappear upstairs for the second time that day and let out a deep breath. She'd taken quite a step in allowing him to see her conflicted emotions. He didn't quite know how to read those emotions yet, but he knew he was coming closer to understanding her. And that made the time spent with her even more precious.

"She's a lovely lass." Kenneth's voice intruded on his thoughts, and the younger Beckett dropped into the couch where Sarah had been sitting.

"Aye," Carson agreed. He eyed his brother. "She is, at that."

"Don't get territorial." Kenneth grinned. "I have my own lass in Edinburgh. She's plannin' a trip over here for the weekend."

Carson's eyebrows rose. "Do ye, now?"

"Aye." Kenneth's brows lowered. "Don't look so surprised."

"Well, aren't ye the one who swore to never marry?"

Kenneth chuckled at that, and his eyes dropped to his hands. "Aye, I am. An', like ye, I hadnae met the right lass."

"Askin' Sarah ta come here had nothin'. . . ."

"I know." Kenneth grinned again, but his face quickly sobered. "Mum's not happy."

"I know." Carson sensed his brother's need to discuss this topic. "I couldnea have her hoverin' at the hospital where I was at. Security clearance, for one thing."

Kenneth raised his hand. "She knows. But she's still. . . ."

Carson glanced toward the kitchen, where his mother was still straightening the dishes and cleaning counters. "Thank ye for intervenin' like ye did."

Kenneth waved the gratitude away. "It wasnae difficult. Explainin' the necessary treatments really helped." He fell silent for a moment and then frowned. "I cannae understand why ye didnae start physical therapy right away."

Carson sighed, knowing this conversation would come up. He shook his head, grasping for any shred of memory after hearing that explosion. "I was in a coma for three weeks." He saw his brother wince. "And, when I did wake, I was allowed ta use some experimental treatments before bein' sent back."

"Did it work?"

"Aye, a bit." Carson met his brother's eyes. "But the side effects stopped the treatments. The worst of the scarrin' on my back, arms, neck, an' face was taken away, but the deeper injuries—the muscular ones—are there for good."

Kenneth narrowed his eyes. "From what the records you sent me say, you've got shrapnel damage in your right leg?"

"Aye." Carson ironically noted that his brother's thick accent thinned a bit when he started discussing medical issues. "The shrapnel severed my biceps femoris, and surgery wasnae able ta completely repair it."

Kenneth winced. The shortened muscle would be a source of pain for a while yet, especially considering that Carson had been in a coma for three weeks. "That will be painful to rehabilitate."

Carson nodded. "I know." He shook his head. "I should have been sent home much sooner, but there were circumstances beyond my control." He thought about Sarah, about her loss, about Elizabeth and the entire drama surrounding her capture by the Replicators. His injuries had seemed like the least of his problems at the time. Now, the exact nature of them loomed over his head.

Kenneth eyed him. "Ye know that massage is one of the best ways to help healing scars, whether the muscle scars or your burn scars." He grinned. "I'm sure I can find a prettier lass than me ta help wi' that."

Carson smiled, grateful that his brother had focused on the lighter aspects of his injuries. His mind went back to the day the Replicators attacked Atlantis, the same day he'd thrown a fit in the infirmary, and he shook his head. "No." His smile turned to a mock scowl. "No one needs ta see ma bare bum!"

Kenneth actually laughed at that. "Why do I get the feelin' ya gave the pretty doctors at that base ye're workin' at a difficult time about that?"

Sarah's embarrassed face came to mind, and Carson shook his head. "I was their Chief of Medicine. I dinnae think Sarah wanted ta see that much o' me!"

Kenneth blinked. "_That's_ where ye and Sarah met?" He shook his head. "No wonder ye kept your distance."

"Aye."

Moira joined them just then, and Carson was grateful for her interruption. With Sarah sleeping upstairs, the trio kept their voices down. They knew from personal experience that the Beckett family could get rowdy—they were Scots, after all—and they wanted her to rest as much as possible.

When he finally retired for the night, Carson settled into his bed with a sigh of relief. He loved his family and was glad to be home, but he hoped he'd made the right decision for Sarah. She'd seemed a bit tense all afternoon, but that could have had something to do with her exhaustion. She hadn't slept a wink on the plane, and he knew it because he'd stirred several times to find her either reading or staring out the window.

His own exhaustion finally won the fight, and he drifted to sleep. Home was a wonderful place to be, and he decided that he wouldn't trade this time with his family for anything. He just hoped Sarah felt the same way by the time she left in two weeks.

oOo

Sarah's second day in Scotland started off bright and clear. The previous day's rain left everything a bit saturated, though, and the colors seemed more vibrant than normal. Of course, it could have been that she felt more rested than she'd felt since returning to Earth.

After stretching luxuriously and enjoying the idea that she wasn't awakened halfway through the night, she pushed out of bed and showered for the day. Her hair dried quickly—such a drastic change from when she'd kept it long—and she made her way downstairs. Moira was puttering in the kitchen, and Sarah didn't see Carson or Kenneth anywhere. She glanced at a clock and was surprised to see that it was already almost eleven in the morning.

Moira glanced up when she wandered into the kitchen. "Och, there ya are. Would ye like some tea?" Then, the elder woman paused. "Or would ye prefer coffee? Carson and Kenneth went for groceries, and I can ask them ta get some."

Sarah smiled. "Tea is fine, thank you."

"You're welcome." Moira pulled out a well-used tea set and began heating water on the stove. "Carson told me a wee bit about ye this mornin'. He says ye're from New York?"

Sarah squelched the urge to respond with, "Aye." She'd always picked up accents quite quickly and didn't want Carson's family to feel like she was mocking them. Instead, she nodded as Moira turned to prepare a light breakfast for her. "Yes. I spent quite a few years in London, as well. But those were when I was quite young."

Moira shuddered. "Och, London! I'm sure 'tis a lovely place if ye grow up there, but 'tis noisy."

Sarah chuckled. "You wouldn't like New York, then." She nodded her thanks for the plate Moira placed in front of her. "Thank you for having me, by the way. I don't know many people who would take in a complete stranger under the circumstances."

Moira made a sound that seemed a mix between a snort and the word "fish." "Ye helped my Carson. That's enough for me."

"Well, I do appreciate it." Sarah shook her head. "My only other option was to head back overseas, and I honestly wasn't looking forward to that."

"Can ye tell me why?" Moira's soft question, so like Carson's, made Sarah pause for a moment as she debated her options. She could trust Carson and reveal a bit of herself to his mother, or she could withdraw. With her mother's death so recent and the emotions still churning from her fight with her father, she wasn't sure she had the strength to withdraw. And she didn't want to do that to Carson, either. Withdrawing from his family meant he bore a burden he shouldn't have to bear. And Sarah didn't want to leave Scotland without finding some measure of peace. She might have agreed to come here because of Carson, but she decided to stay for a while for herself.

"My father and I don't exactly get along." Speaking about her family after putting so much distance between herself and others was. . .odd. To say the least. "He's demanding, and he and I have always been at odds. More so than a normal family. It's. . . . Being at home with my mother for her last days and fighting with him was. . . ." Her still-raw emotions wouldn't let her finish without tears, and she _definitely _did not want to break down in front of this woman. Not so soon, anyway.

Moira reached across the table to pat her hand. "I understand, lass." She smiled. "Take your time while ye are here an' just let yourself feel for a bit."

Sarah returned the smile, still feeling a bit fragile and ready to burst into tears. Fortunately for her, Carson and Kenneth returned at that moment, banging through the kitchen door while trying to transport various paper sacks. Carson was laughing at something his brother had said while fussing at his wheelchair's inability to get over the threshold, and Kenneth cracked yet another joke. Sarah felt like she'd just watched two young boys come bounding into the kitchen from play and shook her head. Carson's eyes lit up when he was with his family, and Kenneth seemed to bring out the boyish side of him. Without the weight of responsibility that he'd had on Atlantis, he was even more attractive to Sarah.

Finally, the two men were in the kitchen, and Carson wheeled over to Sarah's side. He said nothing about the obvious strain on her face, choosing instead to turn back to Kenneth's conversation with their mother.

"I told Carson he needs a cane," Kenneth announced as he flopped into a chair at the table.

"Aye, and ye suggested the _ugliest_ one in the bloody store!" Carson replied.

Kenneth shrugged. "I thought it fit ye," he said.

Carson threw a wadded up napkin at his brother while Sarah laughed. Moira calmly served her sons tea as if this were a normal day in their household. And perhaps it was. She and BC had shared some sibling rivalry, but they'd never truly been allowed to goof off as children. Perhaps that explained why she'd gone off to college so early and had pursued a degree that sent her off to various tropical—and not so tropical—locales on Earth before becoming a nurse and joining the SGC.

The two men calmed a bit as talk turned to the weekend's plans to have a family reunion. Sarah knew that Carson came from a large family, but she hadn't realized that he and Kenneth were the only unmarried siblings in the family. And Kenneth had a girl coming from Edinburgh for the event. One of Carson's brothers-in-law was out of the country at the moment, and his sister would bring their two children in spite of the distance. The entire Beckett family wanted to see Carson, and Kenneth promised that they'd try not to overwhelm Sarah too badly. Moira mentioned the menu, and Kenneth's eyes sparkled.

He turned to Sarah. "Have ye had haggis yet?"

Beside her, Carson actually shuddered. "Don't ye be torturin' her. Or me, either!"

"Och!" Moira waved a hand. "I wouldnae do that to ye! We're havin' Scotch broth."

Sarah glanced between the brothers, loving the idea that Carson actually hated the traditional Scottish dish. She'd never been privileged enough to try it, and she didn't know if she wanted to. Then, she frowned. "Scotch broth?"

"Aye," Carson said with a relieved smile. "It's a soup made wi' lamb an' vegetables."

"Sounds good," Sarah replied, unable to keep from smiling back at him. His eyes always lit up when he smiled, and it made him seem even happier.

"Aye, 'tis." Carson mock-glared at his brother. "An' they love ta tease because I'm the only one in the family that _doesn't_ like haggis."

"Not the only one," Moira clarified. Her face sobered. "Your father—God rest his soul—hated it, as well."

Sarah sat back and simply allowed the family to nod in quiet reflection. The jokes returned a few moments later, however, and she realized that Kenneth Beckett was one of those irrepressible individuals who would joke no matter where he was or what the situation. After tea was finished, Carson went to his room and returned with the blue shirt he'd purchased in New Jersey. Kenneth threw back his head and roared with laughter, and Moira said something about trying to prevent her son from crashing her new computer.

After a while, Sarah retrieved her book and headed outside. The day was a touch cool, but nothing she couldn't handle. She found a sun-drenched bench and settled in to finish the story. No matter if she ever read the book again, she'd always remember the story because of the circumstances surrounding it. Several hours later, when Carson wheeled his way to her, she straightened and smiled.

"Thank you. For invitin' me."

He grinned at her, clearly amused by the fact that she hadn't caught the slight change in her accent until it was too late. "Och, it's no problem, love. I'm glad ye came, and my mum is thrilled to have ye here."

Sarah looked around. "You have a lovely home, Carson."

"Aye," he agreed.

"And I want to apologize now." She grinned when he looked a bit perturbed and opened his mouth to fuss that she had the audacity to apologize for coming. Rather than letting him speak, she rushed to explain, "I pick up accents. Very quickly. And I don't want your family to think I'm mocking them."

His irritation melted away, followed by another one of his amazing smiles. "I'll let them know. But ye have nothin' ta worry about. Mum loves ye, which means the rest of my family will."

Sarah stared at him. Her entire experience with her family had been one where acceptance was based on towing the line and doing what was expected. Yet, here she was, an unexpected guest who had been welcomed with open arms. Moira clearly accepted that she had issues to work through, and Carson had gone out of his way to make her feel welcome. The lingering emotions from the last few weeks welled up unexpected, and she had to blink away her tears.

Rather than commenting, Carson simply set the brakes on his wheelchair and carefully moved to the bench. He sighed as he settled onto the hard stone but didn't hesitate to pull her into another hug. Sarah laid her head on his shoulder and allowed only a few tears to escape. She didn't want to break down like she had when she'd seen him for the first time since her mother's death. But the comfort he offered was so great that she couldn't continue to hold it all behind her mask.

They sat like that for a long time, neither one aware that Moira watched from a window in the house. Her son had finally found the right lass for him, and she was thrilled. She just wished Sarah could see the treasure she was and allow herself to love Carson in return.

~TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Carson started physical therapy the very next morning. Sarah walked downstairs to hear him and Kenneth speaking softly in what Sarah had been told was the study. It made sense that he'd want privacy while doing the therapy, but she couldn't help wonder how he'd feel afterward. Rather than hovering right outside the door, she continued to the kitchen and shared a cup of tea with Moira. Carson's mother didn't ask her any hard questions, today, choosing instead to simply chat. They spoke about books, and Sarah was surprised to find that she and Moira both shared a love for classics. The hour passed quickly as they discussed such names as Charles Dickens and C.S. Lewis.

Finally, Kenneth appeared. He wore the t-shirt Carson had bought for him, and Sarah couldn't help but chuckle again. She liked Carson's brother and hoped she'd like the rest of his family. The looming weekend became a topic of conversation, and Carson didn't join them until they'd finalized plans for an afternoon trip to get groceries and take Sarah to a local bookstore.

Sarah's nurse's eyes looked over Carson as he wheeled into the room. He was tired, but he wasn't pale like he'd been back on Atlantis. Thinking back to those days and seeing him now made her realize how much progress he'd actually made. But she still worried about the pain obvious in his blue eyes. His mother either didn't notice or chose not to comment as she served him tea and filled him in on their plans for the afternoon.

Carson turned sparkling eyes to Sarah. "An' will I need ta drag ye out of the store, then?"

Sarah chuckled. "Maybe. If it's got as many great books as your mother says it does."

He gave his mother an affectionate glance. "Och, aye, it does."

Moira glanced between the two. "Carson, why don't ye take Sarah to the bookstore while Kenneth and I get the groceries?"

Carson's smile faded until he received Sarah's nod. With that, their plans were finalized. Kenneth mentioned wanting to stop into a medical supply store to pick up some things for Carson, and Sarah immediately filled in the gaps. He'd need pressure garments to help with his recovery as well as a cane. After spending just a few days with the Becketts, she knew that Kenneth would be stubborn about Carson's recovery. Probably just as stubborn as Carson himself had been. Her mind went back to the childish pout he'd had on his face when they discussed his "bare bum," and she couldn't keep the amused chuckle from escaping. She waved away the curious glances and chose to continue the conversation about plans for the afternoon.

After several hours, in which Carson took some time to rest, the family set out for the local stores. The bookstore and grocery store were on the same street, so Carson insisted that Kenneth park the car at the grocery store. He and Sarah waved to his mother and brother and headed down the street. Rather than pushing his chair, Sarah walked next to Carson and enjoyed the quiet companionship between them. She appreciated that about Carson. He didn't try to fill the silences if he had nothing to say. Of course, she'd heard how he often had a _lot_ to say concerning his patients.

The bookstore was one of those charming places that disappeared into the storefront. Carson allowed Sarah to open the door for him, and she smiled at the old-fashioned bell that announced their arrival. The musty smell of books overwhelmed her, and she grinned as she looked around. The narrow aisles would be a problem for Carson's wheelchair, but she could get lost in the stacks. The proprietor greeted them in an almost-incomprehensible accent, and Sarah was grateful for the time she'd spent with Carson's family. They may have had thick accents, but they weren't as strong as this man's. She felt like she'd had a "leg up," so to speak, on understanding the man's greeting.

Carson waved her into the store and wheeled over to the counter to chat with the guy. Sarah listened as the two men struck up a conversation and shook her head. While Carson and the proprietor chatted, she scanned the titles, eventually figuring out the store's filing system. She took some time to pick out several books and carried them back to the counter while trying to determine whether she'd brought enough money. Carson solved the problem for her and had his wallet out before she could set down the books. She frowned at him as he pulled out the requisite cash and paid for the books.

As they left the store, he turned to her. "Do _not_ say a word."

"Carson. . . ."

"Aye, an' I know what ye are goin' ta say." He shook his head. "Sarah, let someone treat ye for once in your life."

Normally, she would have taken offense to those words. And she still felt the inevitable irritation starting to rise. But Carson's sincere tone, coupled with his direct gaze, stopped the protest. She'd always been independent, and having a man care enough to pay for her books caught her off guard. In the past, she'd always paid for things she wanted simply because no one else was interested in what she enjoyed. Rather than continuing the conversation, she simply smiled. "Thank you."

Carson hesitated for a fraction of a second, an odd, pinched expression crossing his face. It was gone in an instant, but it left Sarah with the impression that she'd just reminded him of something he'd rather not think about right now. "You're welcome."

They walked back to the grocery store in silence.

oOo

Carson knew he'd confused Sarah with those last few moments on the sidewalk. In truth, he'd been caught off guard as well. When she'd said "Thank you," she'd had the same amused, slightly annoyed, grateful expression that Elizabeth often wore when someone did something nice for her. It took him right back to the emotions and grief over losing one of his closest friends, and he didn't want to deal with that on a public sidewalk.

Glancing at Sarah, he knew he'd have to explain to her sooner or later. Kenneth and his mother were leaving the store as they approached, and Carson let out a soft sigh. They had one more stop to make—at Kenneth's insistence—and then they'd be heading back to the house. He was tired from his physical therapy that morning and still unsure of whether he should explain to Sarah today or not.

After the stop at the medical supply store, which took a bit longer than he'd intended, he gratefully settled into the car for the drive home. Kenneth insisted on buying a cane, declaring that he'd have Carson out of the wheelchair by the weekend. And Carson looked forward to that. He had appreciated the chair when he'd first received it, but it was a bit of a nuisance to get around. Back at the bookstore, he would have dearly enjoyed walking the stacks with Sarah, listening to her tell him why she chose which authors she chose. Instead, he'd been relegated to chatting with the proprietor, who turned out to be a veteran. Either way, he wanted his independence back.

At the house, Sarah helped carry the groceries inside and then put everything away right where Moira told her. Carson assisted as much as he was allowed and watched Sarah eventually escape into the back garden with one of her new books. He hesitated to interrupt but changed his mind when he realized she was simply enjoying the sunshine.

She glanced over with a smile as he rolled to a stop beside her. "It's beautiful, here. Thank you for inviting me."

"You're more than welcome, love." He returned the smile and then sobered. "I want ta apologize for back at the store."

Sarah blinked. "What about it?"

"Outside, ye said somethin' that reminded me o' Elizabeth, an' I dinnae respond well."

She nodded. "I didn't know what it was, but I figured something had happened." She met his eyes. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "No."

"I understand."

He knew she did. The few times she'd talked about her family had been difficult, and Carson was grateful for that sympathy. He offered her another smile and then left her to her book. Inside, however, he struggled to relax after their brief conversation. Now he understood why she fought so hard to open up to him. Just admitting that she'd reminded him of Elizabeth had been hard, and he could not imagine what it was like to talk about her mother.

Tired, sore, irritated with himself, and frustrated with his own limitations, Carson locked himself in his room and tried to take a nap. He only succeeded in finding a few moments to cry more tears for a woman who never should have been lost in the first place.

oOo

The Becketts tried to avoid overwhelming Sarah, but they failed miserably. She'd known that Carson's family was large, but seeing all of them in one place brought out everything she and BC had missed. Loud laughter. Children running all over the house. Chatter in the kitchen. Conversations outside in the garden. And all of it in a thick Scottish brogue. Thankful that she'd had a few days with Carson's mum and brother, Sarah stood next to Carson and simply smiled. With six siblings, five of them brothers, there were more names than she could remember. The only ones she managed to nail were Calum and Ismay, a set of twins eighteen months older than Carson. Calum had three children, the youngest of which was two. Catriona Beckett had the Beckett blue eyes and stared up at Sarah for only a moment before holding her hands up to be held. After that, she sat happily on Sarah's hip, chattering to everyone around and in general charming the socks off of their American visitor.

Moira loved every minute of the chaos. Sarah had tried to help out in the kitchen earlier that day, but Moira shooed her out of the room. It was her show, and Sarah allowed her the liberty to prepare and bustle around without causing a fuss. Throughout the day, she'd tried reading and resting, but her anxiety over meeting Carson's brothers and sister kept her on edge.

What would they think of her? Would they automatically assume that she and Carson were involved? If so, how would he handle that? How would _she_ handle that? Their time here in Scotland had already pushed past a lot of the barriers they'd constructed while on Atlantis. Here, he wasn't a doctor, and she wasn't a nurse. He was simply a man recovering from a horrible accident, and she was a friend with the possibility of becoming much more.

Carson's eldest brother and his wife arrived before Sarah had fully prepared to meet everyone. She stood by and allowed the men to hug one another before Carson gathered his sister-in-law into a warm embrace. Then, he graciously introduced Sarah, explaining that she was visiting from the States for another week-and-a-half. Sarah found herself hugged by Carson's sister-in-law and subsequently drawn into a conversation as each successive sister-in-law arrived.

By the time the family sat down to the dinner table, Sarah had learned to interpret the thick accents around her. Carson and Kenneth both spoke with the same accent she'd heard since she met Carson. But Moira's normally tamed accent roared to the fore as she laughed and joked with her boisterous family. Sarah followed the conversation as best as she could, but she had five different ones going at the same time. Instead of making a fool of herself, she simply listened.

The meal was delicious. Sarah thoroughly enjoyed the soup Moira served before eying the leg of mutton and potatoes placed in the center of the table. It was so different from her upbringing, where small portions were placed delicately on fine china, and every person was expected to eat only their portion. And heaven forbid that one of them might spill their water or drop a piece on the floor. Here, a cup of spilled milk was met with laughter and a gentle reminder to the child to pay more attention next time. And the potatoes and meat were served from a single plate in the center of the table. While Sarah had seen similar things done in restaurants, finding it in a person's home was refreshing. And a bit foreign.

The talk finally turned to Sarah herself. Ismay smiled at her. "So, tell me about yerself."

Sarah swallowed the bite in her mouth. "Well, I'm from New York City. But I spent time in London, as well."

"Och!" Carson's second-oldest brother waved his hand. "London's lovely!"

That statement was met with various agreements or disagreements. Sarah couldn't resist laughing at the somewhat exuberant argument that was solved when Moira started clearing the table. Ismay turned back to Sarah. "What about your family?"

Sarah knew the question would come up, and she'd hoped to handle it gracefully. It was, after all, to be expected with none of them knowing a thing about her. She swallowed again, hoping to clear the choked feeling from her throat, before she said, "It's my father, brother, and myself. My mother passed about a week ago."

Sympathy blossomed in ten sets of eyes around the table. Carson's eldest brother, who was only about ten years younger than her father, reached over to touch her hand. "Och, lass, I'm verra sorry ta hear that!"

A chorus of "Aye" went around the table.

Sarah smiled, suddenly overwhelmed by the emotion expressed. That they hadn't known told her that Moira and Kenneth hadn't shared her past, and it built her trust in them a bit more. "Thank you." She stared at her plate until she could speak without bursting into tears. "That's why I came to Scotland when Carson invited me. I needed time before returning to work."

Ismay perked up at the new topic. "An' where is that, then?"

"Overseas." Sarah smiled at the woman, hoping she'd read between the lines. "I worked with Carson before his accident."

That sent the message that her work was classified. Ismay glanced at her brother, her eyes moving from his face to the cane that Kenneth insisted he use in place of the wheelchair. His limp was quite pronounced, but he was happy to be up and walking on a regular basis. "An' what about ye, Carson? Have ye decided where ye'll open your private practice?"

Uncomfortable silence blanketed the table. Sarah turned to Carson, who shifted in his seat. He met Sarah's eyes with a hesitant gaze of his own before answering his sister. "I'll be returnin' ta where I was before."

The silence lengthened. Kenneth stared at his plate while Sarah wanted to simply disappear. Ismay's face changed from surprise to anger. She let out a deep breath, and her twin brother touched her hand. Carson's other brothers, along with their wives, clearly knew what was about to happen. Sarah wished she could stall the obvious eruption about to occur, but this wasn't her family. And, if she were in Ismay's position, she might have done the same thing. _No_, she decided, _I've __always __been __the __type __to __adventure. __BC's __the __homebody._

Ismay finally spoke. "An' when were ye goin' ta tell us, lad?" Her voice held a tone of censure, and Sarah noted with some pride that Carson didn't shrink into his seat. He simply held his sister's gaze. "Ye go off ta wherever this base is, get yourself nearly vaporized, and decide to return as if it's nothing? Think about your family, Carson! Think about _us_. We nearly lost ye."

"Aye, but ye didn't," Carson replied, his voice just as tight, if not a little tenser, than his sister's. "An' you're not one ta talk, seein' as ye are plannin' ta leave in a few weeks."

"To _Spain_," Ismay said. "Not to some classified US military base. Cannae they find their own doctors? Do they have ta take ye away from us as well?"

"Ismay, I've got a contract to finish!"

"Och, dunnae talk about contracts!" Ismay waved a hand. "Admit it, Carson. You're addicted to the danger of it all."

He scoffed. "I assure you that I'm not."

"I'll believe it when I see it." She pushed away from the table and stood. "I'm sorry, Carson. But I willnae be watchin' ye leave when ye go back. An' I willnae be condonin' what ye're doin'. You almost _died_, an' I cannae understand why ye would return after that."

At that moment, the table erupted into a variety of arguments, but they all had different points of view. It was as if Ismay's argument with Carson allowed a lot of them to finally express how they felt. The only two members of his family who didn't chime in were Kenneth and Moira. The rest of them either berated Ismay for ruining the evening or berated Carson for not staying in Scotland. Finally, he could take it no longer. "Alright!"

The table silenced at his tone, and Sarah blinked. Now she knew what he must be like when truly angry, and it actually frightened her a bit. She stared at him, still admitting that the way his chin dipped down, his eyes darkened, and the stance he took—with his right side slightly forward—was quite attractive. But she never wanted to see that expression aimed at her.

He met their eyes. "I cannae say wha' I'm doin'. But I will say it's important. To me. To you. An' one day I hope ta tell ye." The gaze he pinned each of them with was blistering, but also filled with compassion. "I'm sorry it's so difficult for ye ta understand."

With that, he grabbed his cane and limped out the back door of the house.

Sarah sat at the table, her appetite gone in spite of the food that remained on her plate. Ismay tugged on her husband's chair, and the poor man stood to his feet. They quietly gathered their two children and then left the house, Carson's sister still a picture of rage. The other brothers save Kenneth each spoke quietly to their mum and left a short time later. Only the eldest brother took the time to stop next to Sarah, extending his apologies for his family and his condolences for her loss. She thanked him quietly as she realized that Catriona's family would be staying the night along with Kenneth's girlfriend.

With the house suddenly quiet save for Kenneth and his girlfriend chatting in the front room—no doubt analyzing what went wrong—Sarah left Moira in the kitchen to slip out the back door. The garden was dark with only the neighboring street lights to guide her way. As soon as her eyes adjusted, she began walking the path. Hopefully, she'd be able to find Carson.

He stood in the middle of a patch of grass, gazing at the sky. Sarah stopped at his side, surprised to see tears on his cheeks. She slipped her hand into his and tried to convey the sympathy she felt. Family explosions were common in her world, but she knew the kind of inner chaos they could cause.

They stood there for a long time, with Sarah giving Carson the chance to grieve and react without saying a word.

~TBC


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note: Shadows-of-Realm** emailed me today with a rather surprising and delightful find. For those of you who enjoy pairing music with stories, check out Demi Lovato's "For the Love of a Daughter." That fits Sarah MacKenzie perfectly. Also, the story is now complete-all thirty chapters of it-so there should be no delays in posting on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

After a long time, Carson stirred. The garden had remained quiet, the remnants of his family inside and saying their goodbyes. Ismay's outburst had destroyed his hopes of a peaceful reunion. He turned to where Sarah still held his hand. "I'm sorry, love."

She stared up at him, the scant light highlighting her face and bringing her beauty into sharp relief. "I understand."

"I know ye do." He shook his head, all the emotions still roaring through him and making him want to physically lash out. It had never been his way, and he'd always had his work to dive into, coming out only when he'd reacted and found the strength he needed. Now, it was different. He didn't have Atlantis or any of his friends. Save Sarah. "But ye shouldn't have witnessed that. Ismay is. . . ."

"She's your sister." Sarah cautiously placed her free hand on his chest, the pressure from it sending strange shivers straight through him. "She's worried for you, and that worry comes out as anger at times."

He sighed deeply. "I know." Then, unable to keep the emotions at bay, he felt his tears return. They escaped as he thought about everything. "It's just that. . . .Elizabeth was. . . .An' I cannae help feelin' like I. . . ." He couldn't finish any of the thoughts.

Sarah nodded as if she understood. She bit her lip ever so slightly as if debating something and then stepped into his arms.

In spite of his anger and raw pain, Carson blinked. More tears escaped then, but his mind was no longer focused on Ismay, the argument she'd caused with his family, or his plans to return to Atlantis. They all centered on Sarah, a woman who, in spite of her own hesitations about physical contact and relationships, had just wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. His arms went around her, and he sighed as she settled in his embrace. Although _he_ was holding _her_, the comfort flowed in the opposite direction. Sarah clearly knew what he'd needed at this moment, and the simple act of having another person in his arms—a woman with whom he'd started to fall in love—helped soothe the emotions in a way few other things could. For him, it was better than going out with Kenneth and Calum and havin' a pint at the local pub—as those two no doubt would want to do the next day.

Finally, Carson couldn't ignore the burning in his right leg or the stiffness caused by his healing wounds any longer. He shifted ever so slightly, but it was enough to have Sarah looking up at him with concern. She frowned. "You need to sit down."

"Aye," he admitted ruefully. "Don't get me wrong, love. I'd stand here and hold ye all night if ye wanted me to, but. . . ."

"No, I understand!" She slipped out of his embrace, wrapping her arms around herself as if cold. "I'm sorry this evening ended so badly."

Carson reached for his cane and leaned on it with one hand while brushing her hair behind her ear with the other. He loved this shorter style, but he was sure he'd love any hair style she wore. "Thank you." Unsure of what else to say, he turned and slowly headed back into the house. He regretted storming out, but he'd also refused to listen to Ismay berate him for something she could not understand. He'd reached the door when he realized that Sarah hadn't followed him.

His mother was still in the kitchen, still putting things away and cleaning from the evening. Carson headed for her. "I'm sorry, Mum."

"Och, don't be silly!" Moira waved a hand at him, but her eyes held a hint of irritation. She stopped long enough to pin him in place. "I cannae say I disagree with Ismay, but I also see how important your work is to ye. An' I would be wrong ta deny ye that, even if I want ta keep ye closer ta home." Her brows lowered. "Just remember that Ismay doesnae have the advantage of hearin' ye and Sarah talk about work in vague tones. She hasn't seen the way your face lights up when ye mention your friends."

Carson nodded, surprised at his mother's acceptance. Age had done wonders for Moira, who had once been as volatile as her daughter. Then, he grinned. Perhaps it wasn't age but the seven children she fiercely loved. Either way, her acceptance of his decision—something that didn't come easily to her—helped calm his emotions a bit.

In the living room, Kenneth and Calum were quietly visiting. Catriona, Calum's two-year-old, lay on her father's chest, dozing in and out. Her mum had gone upstairs to settle their two older children, and Kenneth's lass had joined her. Limping to a recliner, Carson settled into the chair and breathed a sigh of relief as the burning in his leg eased. The physical therapy was difficult, but it would enable him to return to Atlantis much quicker.

The two men included Carson in their conversation, but Catriona had other ideas. As soon as she heard her uncle's voice, her head popped up. She pushed away from Calum, arguing briefly until she pointed at Carson, and then sleepily tottered over to him. She was as precocious as any of his nieces and looked disturbingly like her father. Once at Carson's chair, she patted his leg and, when he explained that he couldn't pick her up, carefully crawled into his lap. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she laid over onto his shoulder and promptly drifted to sleep.

Carson smiled and listened to his brothers' conversation as he held his niece. Children had a wonderful healing virtue about them, and they often soothed troubled emotions quicker than just about anything else. Sarah's surprising embrace helped him calm, and Catriona completed the process. Content for the moment and at peace with his part in the family explosion, Carson held his niece and tried not to fall asleep with her.

oOo

After Carson went back inside, Sarah turned to stare at the stars. She found herself in a pensive mood, not sad but not thrilled. She knew the chaos that a family argument created. She'd had more than a few of them and had spilled out her latest chaos on Carson's shoulder the night she returned to the SGC. Thinking about that night and waking next to Carson the following day brought a smile to her face. A thrill went down her spine every time she thought about his sleep-warmed voice and the way his eyes had blinked happily but sleepily at her. She wanted to experience that again, though she certainly didn't want to go through the emotional breakdown to get there.

Carson had been close to one such breakdown tonight. Sarah knew it, and that was why she'd simply hugged him. The last month with her family and the last few days with Carson's had shown her what she'd missed by becoming so closed off from others. Not that she'd done so without reason. Her father's insistence that she measure up, no matter what she wanted, had ingrained the expectation that no one would accept her if she wasn't perfect. That hadn't hit for a few years, and she'd spent her first stint in university doing everything to discourage people from thinking she was rich. The right boyfriend who treated her without a shred of respect, the right look that resulted in multicolored hair, the right group of friends who went places and used chemicals that destroyed the body, and the right attitude of disrespect had ensured her father's lasting disapproval. Even now, as a grown woman with a stable career as a nurse for a classified military operation, she would never be more to him than a druggie who shared his name and received a portion of his fortune. She knew that, had he been able to do so without destroying his own image, he would have disinherited her a long time ago. But he'd been unable to do so because Katherine would have left him, and it would have shattered the perception that they were a perfect family.

Not really wanting to think about her family situation, Sarah turned back to the house. When Carson had stepped away from her to reach for his cane, she'd felt chilled. Almost as if her warmth came totally from him. It wasn't the first time it had happened, but knowing she'd initiated the hug meant a lot. It meant that he'd managed to get closer to her than any other person save BC.

Moira was finished cleaning the kitchen and had disappeared. Sarah looked around, her ears still ringing with Ismay's disapproval of both her and Carson. Truth be told, she understood Ismay on some level. But her sympathies fell with Carson and his decision to stay with the Atlantis Expedition. He was living in a totally different galaxy, doing research that would blow his sister's mind, and loving every minute of it. Unfortunately, he couldn't tell his family, and that created tension when the entire group got together.

Calum, Ismay's twin brother, caught her eye as she wandered into the living room. He held a finger to his lips in the universal sign to stay quiet and pointed at the recliner in the corner. Sarah turned and instantly smiled. Catriona, the one niece whose name she remembered, had crawled into Carson's lap and clearly fallen asleep on her uncle's shoulder. Carson had kicked back and now slept just as peacefully with his niece.

Sarah moved to join Calum in the living room. Sitting in a chair that faced both Calum and Carson, she grinned. "How long have they been that way?" she asked softly.

"Och, 'bout twenty minutes," Calum answered just as softly after a quick glance at the grandfather clock near the door. "She's been a wee bit ill these last few days, so I'm quite happy she's sleepin'."

Again, Sarah suppressed the urge to say, "Aye." Instead, she nodded. "Children are sometimes difficult when they're sick." She smiled as she thought back to her days in university—the second time. "When I was in university, getting my nurse's degree, I remember working in pediatrics. That was always my favorite because kids are so real. Of course, some of it was heartbreaking when you had a child who had an incurable disease. But, for the most part, they were wonderful to be around even when sick."

"Aye," Calum agreed. He eyed Sarah. "I'm verra sorry for that scene at the table."

Sarah waved a hand. "Don't mention it." Deciding to be real, she shrugged. "I've had my share of arguments at the dinner table. My father didn't agree with my career choices, and he tends to make it very obvious in how he treats me and my brother."

"Och, you have a brother?"

She smiled, hearing the interest. "Yes. Just one brother, Benjamin Cooper MacKenzie, Jr. I call him BC."

"MacKenzie? That's a good Scottish name."

Sensing that he wouldn't take offense, she mustered the best Scottish accent she could. "Aye, that it is." When he laughed softly, she shook her head. "You don't know how _good_ that felt! I've been picking up more and more of the accent in the last few days."

"Well, lass, dunnae worry a bit about it. We'll understand."

"I'm glad." Her eyes drifted back to Carson. "He's needed the rest, too."

Calum nodded thoughtfully. "You work with him?"

"Yes." She sobered quickly. "I met him shortly after his accident." It was the cover story the SGC had concocted. Carson had been in the field since his group was short a medic, and he'd been caught in a grenade blast. "He was still in the coma when I arrived. But I was part of the team that helped treat him when he finally woke up and stabilized."

"I'm surprised the scarring isnae worse."

Sarah noted the subtle dig for information and buried a smile. These Becketts were smart people, and they'd obviously seen through a portion of the cover. "He was protected from the waist up," she said, spinning the rest of the cover story. "It's a miracle he survived even that."

"Aye," Calum agreed. He pinned Sarah with a pointed glance. "An' I know he's glad ye came wi' him."

She flushed and ironically noted that Carson was the only man to make her blush in years. "I'm glad I did, too. After my mother. . . ." She took a deep breath. Being this open with others was difficult. "I just needed time."

Calum leaned forward and patted her hand in a move eerily like Carson's and pushed to his feet. "I should get Catriona ta bed."

Sarah sat back and watched Carson's brother wake him by removing his daughter from her uncle's chest. The two men spoke quickly, and Sarah simply smiled. A thrill shot down her spine at the thickness in Carson's tone and she thought she could dream happily that night for having heard it again. Catriona immediately went to sleep on her father's shoulder while Carson rubbed his face. Calum bid goodnight to the two of them and went upstairs, leaving Sarah to stare at Carson while he worked to keep his eyes open.

He finally succeeded and grinned ruefully. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She pushed to her feet. "Kids are wonderful for that."

"Aye, that they are." Carson slowly stood and took a moment to get his balance. Then, he faced Sarah, his blue eyes moving across her features. A smile caused his dimple to appear ever so slightly, and she enjoyed how he moved across the room to her.

Rather than letting him speak, she put a hand on his arm. "Get some rest, Carson."

"I think I might." He held her gaze a bit longer, as if trying to pass along a message without saying anything. "Thank you. For tonight."

Sarah nodded with a smile. "Of course." She stood and watched him limp into his bedroom, thinking that she didn't mind the halting gate or the cane he still used. He was even more attractive to her now than he was when confined to a hospital bed.

Shaking her head to clear it, she waited until he'd closed the door to his room before heading into the study. Carson's PT equipment was stacked neatly across one wall, but Sarah ignored it. She wanted to use the computer. Logging onto the internet, she signed into her email, clicked "Compose," inserted BC's address, and hesitated with her fingers on the keyboard. What did she tell her brother? Being here, with Carson's family, had put her in a mood to really consider her own family. While she had no desire to contact her father ever again, she didn't bear any ill will toward her brother. He'd been as trapped as she had, and he'd gone out of his way to be her comfort during those three weeks of caring for their mother.

Finally, she took a deep breath and started typing.

_BC,_

_Yeah, I know it's weird to be hearing from me. But it's your wonderful sister._

_I wanted to tell you that I didn't return to the base like I planned. I met up with a friend, and. . . ._

She hesitated here. Did she tell her brother that this "friend" was a man? Or leave it vague? Deciding that she needed to truly trust her brother at some point, she kept typing.

_. . .I met up with a friend, and he invited me to visit his family home in Scotland. Now, don't get ideas about our relationship. While there could be something there, we can't let it go that far. He's a doctor on the base I where I work, and he was severely injured recently. He asked me to come with him and take some time for myself. While I've been here, I've met his entire family—six siblings!—and managed to find myself loving his mother. It's weird. Moira doesn't try to replace Mum. She is just there._

_I'll only be here for maybe another ten days. Unfortunately, that's when I have to return. But, for the next ten days, you can reach me and get a fairly immediate response via email. I'd love to hear from you. How you're doing. What your plans are for the future. If you're seeing anyone. We didn't really get a chance to talk about that kind of stuff when we were home._

_So, don't hesitate. I know I've not exactly been the shining example of family support, but I really do care about what happens in your life. So, as much as is possible, let's not be strangers._

_Your sister,  
><em>_Sarah_

With another deep breath, she hit "Send" before she could change her mind.

~TBC


	15. Chapter 15

Sarah had an email from her brother by the time she woke the next morning. It reminded her of the time difference between the States and Scotland. Still, it was a thrill to hear her phone signal the arrival of the message right after she woke. Instead of going downstairs to the study—and possibly interrupting Carson and Kenneth as they did physical therapy—she chose to roll onto her stomach and squint at the tiny screen. She'd signed up for cell service when she'd returned to Earth, knowing there might have been times when she was out of the house and her mother needed her. She'd stayed with a basic plan and had set up the bill to be automatically withdrawn from her bank account. When she'd come to Scotland, she'd altered her service slightly so she'd still have the ability to get phone calls and emails, though at an exorbitant rate.

Her brother's email was worth every dime.

_Sarah!_

_Okay, sorry to sound so surprised. But you don't know how happy I was to come home to your email._

_Scotland? That's a bit out of the ordinary, though I shouldn't be surprised. You're the one who travels to exotic locales and studies all kinds of things beyond my comprehension._

_I'm good. Tired, of course. Harvard isn't the easiest school, and finding time to just relax is a bit tough. Especially since my roommate doesn't think he needs to study and wants to party all night. But I manage. I'm thinking about renting my own place now that I'm able._

_Which __brings __up __the __difficult __question. __How __are __you __doing? __With __Mum __and __that __situation __with __Father? __I __think __I __know __you __well __enough __to __know __you've __not __even __tried __to __contact __him __since __you __left. __Honestly, __neither __have __I. __Hearing __the __two __of __you __argue __was __tough, __but __I __was __glad __you __finally __stood __up __to __him. __Oh, __I __know __you __had __your __phase __where __you __rebelled __at __every thing __Mum __and __Father __stood __for, __but __this __was __different. You_ _were __different. __Wherever __that __base __is, __whatever __it __is __you're __doing, __has __changed __you. __Made __you __even __more __of __a __woman __than __you __were. __Whoever __this __friend __of __your's __is, __he's __lucky __to __have __you. __If __you'll __fight __like __that __for __all __of __your __patients, __then __I __know __he's __going __to __enjoy __having __you __as __a __nurse __in __his __infirmary. __Though, __from __what __you're __telling __me, __he's __a __Scot. __Which __means __he's __as __stubborn __as __you __are, __if __not __more __so._

_Well, __Sis, __I __hate __to __do __this, __but __I __need __to __get __to __class. __But __please, __please, _please_, __email __again! __As __often __as __possible. __I __know __communication __will __be __limited __when __you __return __to __your __base, __but __don't __hesitate. __Even __once __a __month __would __be __great. __Just __let __me __know __what's __happening._

_Okay, really going now! Have a great day/night/whatever where you're at in Scotland._

_BC_

_P.S. No, I'm not seeing anyone._

Sarah chuckled at that postscript and re-read the message. It was so wonderful to read his words about what she'd told him. He'd also asked her some tough questions, and she intended to answer them. After a shower, breakfast, maybe some tea with Moira, and a visit with Carson.

Downstairs, she ran a hand through her still-damp hair as she walked into the kitchen. Moira smiled at her, and she was surprised to see Catriona sitting at the table with some toast in front of her. Moira served Sarah some tea while Sarah sat next to Carson's niece. The two of them chatted, with Sarah understanding only three words Catriona said. But the child was so happy that it made everyone around her grin. Moira explained that Calum and his family would leave that afternoon, and the events of the previous night came roaring back to the forefront of their minds. Catriona ignored the sober expressions around her and chattered happily while Sarah wondered how to relate to Moira. Carson was easy, but she was halfway in love with him already. Moira was a different story.

Calum appeared before Sarah could make a fool of herself. Catriona ran to greet her father, and the two women at the table laughed while the remainder of that branch of the Beckett family joined them. Ten minutes later, Carson and Kenneth appeared, with Kenneth's girlfriend trailing not too far behind. Moira served breakfast for the entire group, and Sarah felt slightly guilty for not helping. But Moira wouldn't even accept Calum's help, and Sarah relaxed.

Carson slipped into the chair next to her, brushing a hand across her shoulder in greeting. He looked tired, more worn out from physical therapy than not having slept. Last night, he seemed to have come to grips with the rift in his family, and she knew he'd try his hardest to heal it before he returned to Atlantis.

After breakfast, Carson headed for a shower while Calum and his family prepared for their trip back to Edinburgh. Sarah discovered that Calum taught graduate-level chemistry at the university there, and she shook her head. With a lawyer, doctor, physical therapist, and chemist in the family, the Becketts were set for whatever crisis hit!

That afternoon, once Calum and his family had waved goodbye, Carson headed out to the garden. Sarah watched him go and realized he likely needed some time to himself. With Kenneth taking his girlfriend shopping, Sarah decided it would be the right time to respond to her brother's email. She'd already done the math and knew she was only five hours ahead of her brother. Since it was approaching two in the afternoon, it was only nine in the morning for BC. Logging into the internet was easy, and she sat with her fingers over the keyboard as she considered his questions.

_Hey!_

_Yeah, Scotland. It's been different, but Carson—my friend—has been really gracious. As has his family. His mum, Moira, is just amazing, and his brother leaves me in stitches all the time. You should hear the two of them going back and forth during Carson's physical therapy. (Kenneth, his brother, is a physical therapist.) I haven't heard anything outright rude, but the Scottish accent combined with the two of them can be hilarious at times._

_Unfortunately, last night wasn't so hilarious. Carson has a HUGE family. I mean, five brothers and one sister. Imagine how overwhelmed I felt when they ALL showed up last night for dinner! Six siblings, all of their spouses, most of their children. . . .Moira was thrilled, of course. And the one niece I can remember, Catriona, is an angel. But, unfortunately, Carson's sister doesn't understand his need to return to base as soon as he's healed up. And that made for a tense ending to the night._

_Wow. You like to ask the difficult questions, don't you? I guess it's to be expected as you're wanting to be a lawyer. (Carson has one of those in his family, by the way.) So, as far as Mum is concerned. I'm working on it. Working to be a bit more open with Moira and Carson. It's not easy, BC. I mean, I still want to cry every time I think about Mum. I know I wasn't the greatest daughter, but I still love her very much._

_And __now __I'm __crying. __Which __is __why __I'm __in __Scotland __and __not __back __to __work. __It's __been __great, __but __I'll __be __honest. __I'm __starting __to __feel __a __bit __cooped __up. __Hopefully __we'll __be __able __to __make __a __trip __while __I'm __here. __I __did __some __reading __online __last __night __after __emailing __you, __and __I __would _love _to __see __the __Eilean __Donan __Castle. __But __it's __about __a __four __hour __drive __away __from __where __I'm __at __in __St. __Andrews. __I __don't __know __if __Carson __can __handle __that __long __of __a __drive __yet, __and __I'm __not __confident __in __my __ability __to __drive __on __the __opposite __side __of __the __road. __Just __riding __in __a __car __like __that __is __stressful!_

_And now I'm laughing. These mood swings are normal, I know. But they can be frustrating._

_Well, I should probably let you go. I know you're incredibly busy. But I'm only about five hours ahead of you. So, it's two in the afternoon here, which means it's around nine in the morning there. Have a great day and email when you get the chance._

_Sarah_

_P.S. I'll definitely email when I get back to base, too. Just only about once a week rather than daily. But, while I'm here, might as well enjoy the time._

After hitting "Send," she went upstairs and found a book to read while trying to ignore the restlessness that started to build when Calum and his family left.

oOo

The next week passed quickly as Sarah settled into a routine. She woke about the same time and always joined Moira for tea while Carson and Kenneth did physical therapy. Hearing the two of them argue back and forth during that week was great fun, especially as the days passed. Carson regained a lot of mobility and, though he had a long way to go, he took to fussing at his brother. Five days after the family left, Sarah paused to listen as usual and had to rush into the kitchen so the two boys wouldn't hear her laugh. Kenneth had finally gotten fed up with Carson fussing and trying to correct him. He'd obviously said something about it to Carson, and Carson replied, "Aye, an' you're the devil himself!"

By the time the two were finished, however, they'd worked it out. Moira explained that Kenneth and Carson had always been best friends. They were the two brothers who could get into a scuffle in the yard and be laughing two minutes later. Listening to her stories of Carson coming inside with scrapes and bruises was somewhat disconcerting given how kindhearted he'd become as a doctor. Of course, he was also the child to bring home injured birds and cats and dogs. The other six children just adopted Carson's "patients," so the family had a menagerie for many years in spite of allergies and such.

A day after Carson's disagreement with Kenneth, Sarah slipped into the garden to read. She'd managed to work through all but one of the books she'd bought during their trip to the bookstore over a week ago. She wanted so badly to escape the house, to explore Scotland a bit. But she wouldn't burden the Becketts by asking to take off. Besides, she wasn't sure if Carson could handle a road trip at the moment.

"Och, here ye are!" As if summoned by her thoughts, Carson limped to her side and sat down with a sigh.

Sarah closed her book. "Here I am," she replied.

He eyed her and seemed to struggle to find the words. "I was wonderin' if ye'd like ta take a trip before ye head back to base."

She blinked. "Carson, I'd love to. But I don't want you to feel like you need to escort me around."

He waved a hand. "'Tis not a problem, love." Turning to her, he smiled. "Kenneth is headin' ta Edinburgh this weekend, and he pointed out that ye've been confined ta this house since ye arrived. He's the one who said it would be fine."

For a moment, Sarah simply stared. She'd become accustomed to seeing his smile with his family, but when it turned to her, it was totally different. Warmer. Almost as if seeing her made his day. Then, realizing that he was waiting for a response, she shook herself from her thoughts. "Um. . .that would be great!"

"Is there someplace ye'd love ta see?"

"Well. . . ." She turned to look over the garden as her face darkened. In the last week, she'd relaxed around Carson and his family, allowing them to see more and more of who she was. But she hadn't shared exactly how much reading she'd been doing on Scotland. "There is one place, in particular. And I'm going to butcher the pronunciation. But I'd love to see Eilean Donan."

"The castle?" Carson's voice was amused but not mocking. "It's only a few hours from here. We can leave in the mornin' an' be there by lunch."

Sarah blinked at him. "You're serious?"

"Aye." He frowned at her. "Have ye had no one ta be interested in things that matter to ye?"

Hearing it put in that manner, with such surprise at the fact, made her almost melt while still feeling a bit defensive. "Well, BC has always been interested, but. . . ."

His hand reached over and laced their fingers together. He then waited until she looked up at him. "Then we'll be headin' ta Eilean on Saturday." He said it with such finality that Sarah wanted to protest and say they could do something totally different if he wanted. But the way he made the decision, with a smile and that special sparkle in his eyes made it difficult to argue.

Finally, she nodded. "Thank you, Carson."

"Think nothin' of it."

They sat in the garden for a few more moments, with Sarah sharing her latest email from BC and Carson expounding on his physical therapy. By the time the evening meal arrived, she'd managed to allow the excitement to settle into her chest. She was truly going to see a castle, something she'd wanted since she was a small girl.

The next two days passed quickly, with Carson making arrangements to take some of his PT equipment with them. He planned to do modified versions of his therapy that evening, and Sarah was stunned to learn that he'd planned an overnight trip. Finding him in the garage, however, going through fishing rods and tackle boxes, surprised Sarah. She cleared her throat so he'd know she was there. "What's all this?"

He blinked at her. "I figured since we were in the area, we'd go fishin' the next morning. My father used ta take us ta Loch Kishorn, an' I thought. . . ."

"Are you able to?" Sarah asked, not minding the idea that she'd just interrupted him.

"Aye, I'll be fine."

"Carson, you're still recovering."

"An' it's been nearly three months!"

"You're only halfway to your goals, Carson!" Sarah worked to keep her voice low, trying to figure out why the idea of him putting his recovery at risk suddenly bothered her. Fishing, something she'd done before, wasn't that stressful. But he could pick up an infection within just a few moments, and it could set him back for months, especially with his still-recovering immune system.

"I'm not runnin' a marathon, love!" Carson's voice, though raised ever so slightly by his own frustration, was still gentle. It was an unusual dichotomy for Sarah. "It's just fishin'."

His words pointed out the obvious, and Sarah stared at him as she realized she was being a bit overprotective. She blinked a few times and then looked away. "I'm sorry. I just. . . ."

Carson moved across the garage to set his hands on her shoulders. Staring directly into her eyes, he said, "It's alright. I appreciate the thought. An' I'm sorry I shouted at ye."

A bit overwhelmed by his nearness, Sarah reached up and took hold on his wrists. "You didn't shout, Carson. You simply made your point."

He smiled ruefully, the expression in his eyes a mix between uncertainty and relief. Then, pulling her into a hug, he settled his arms around her and propped his chin on her head. Sarah relaxed into his embrace, surprised at how comfortable with his touch that she'd become in the last two weeks. It thrilled her that Carson wanted her close, and she felt more like a young girl every time he gave her one of his "special" smiles. But his closeness was one thing that constantly drew her back. She wanted that comfort and refused to push him away. Soon enough, she'd be heading back to Atlantis where she wouldn't have this comfort.

The next morning, the pair set out for Eilean Donan early, with Carson driving with one hand while holding Sarah's with the other. She smiled as they passed the outlying buildings of St. Andrews. Her relationship with Carson was about to change, and she honestly couldn't say she was sorry to see it happen.

~TBC


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note:** Okay, once again, I have to issue a disclaimer for myself. I am not Scottish, nor have I ever been to the places I'm portraying here. (Though, I'll admit to wanting to go!) Most of my information has come from the Internet and Google Images. In addition, I know I've likely murdered the accent, but here it is. :) Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

Eilean Donan was larger in life than in pictures. Carson watched Sarah's eyes light up as they walked toward the front of the castle. They'd arrived a short while ago, and it felt great to get out of the car for a bit. Kenneth's physical therapy had helped him considerably, though he still leaned heavily on the cane his brother insisted he use. Today, he was grateful for it as he smiled to himself. He'd pay for being in his feet so long today, but the way Sarah's face glowed when she caught him smiling at her was more than worth it.

They joined a guided tour of the castle, and Carson ushered Sarah inside with a hand on the small of her back. She gave him a smile at the light touch, and he was again reminded that she hadn't been privileged to experience a truly caring family. Right now, however, his feelings for her were far from brotherly. The way she listened with rapt attention to the tour guide and studied every inch of the castle made him realize that he couldn't find neutral ground with her. Not any longer. Had she not come to Scotland with him, he might have been able to ignore this drawing toward her. Now, it was too late.

Choosing to put those thoughts to the side, he followed her through the remainder of the tour, allowing others to go ahead of him so he could climb the stairs slowly. Sarah never once complained about his slow pace, and Carson appreciated that. She treated him the same as everyone else, and he sometimes wanted to tell her to go on without him. But seeing the way she grinned at jokes and nodded studiously at a serious story nixed those ideas. He wouldn't miss this for the world.

After the tour, however, he nudged her arm. "I hate ta do this, but I need ta sit down. There's a coffee shop here, if ye want ta browse the shop or look around a bit more."

She seemed surprised at his offer. "Carson, if you need to leave, we can."

"Och, no, love." He pointed. "I'll be right in there, and we can share lunch when you're done."

He limped away before she could protest.

Sarah watched him go, her concern mingling with a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. She'd never had a man care enough about her to put his own needs or desires on hold. And that's what Carson had done. Coming to this castle today, with him, had been a big step for her. She trusted Carson, but she wasn't sure she trusted him completely. Not enough to be truly honest with him. If she was, she'd tell him that she was afraid of a relationship, that past experience had taught her that she didn't want to be used and cast aside when the next girl came along, that marriage was simply a partnership where the woman did what the man wanted. She wanted more than that in her life, and though she knew Carson was the complete opposite of her father and ex-boyfriend, she still couldn't silence the doubts that crept up every time she even considered changing their friendship.

Turning to browse the gift shop, she took a few moments to think. Did she _want_ to change their friendship into something more? She liked to think so, but she also knew that their relationship was complicated by their work. In three days, she would return to Atlantis, where she'd be expected to patch up soldiers, scientists, and, quite possibly, aliens. Her life would turn back to survival, and she wasn't certain she could balance a romantic relationship with that, especially if the man she'd started falling for happened to be her future boss.

Sarah let out a sigh as she purchased a postcard for BC along with a snow globe for herself. It was cliché, she knew, but she couldn't resist. She wanted something to take to Atlantis with her that would remind her of this day. The disposable camera that Carson had surprised her with when they first arrived already held pictures of the castle, but this was tangible. She could hold it and smile at the memories.

In the coffee shop, she found Carson reading a newspaper. She peeked over his shoulder, surprising him as she read the headlines. "Wrestling?"

"Aye," he said as she moved to sit next to him. "I wrestled a bit in university before entering medical school."

Her eyebrows rose, and then she shook her head. "You know, I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, your entire family has been amazingly talented. But I guess I always took you for more of a reader and scholarly type."

He laughed at that. "Ye forget that I was a lad, once."

"Och, that I do," she said, deliberately imitating his accent and earning a laugh in the process. She looked over the menu and then stepped to the counter to order their lunch. After paying and settling back at the table, she eyed him. "Thank you. For bringing me here."

Rather than waving away the gratitude, he held her gaze. "It is the least I could do for ye, Sarah. Besides, it wasnae fair that ye sat around my mum's house all day while I did PT. I'm just sorry it took this long for me ta be able ta take ye around."

She smiled at his apology but glanced down at the table. It was time to be honest about why she was so surprised, and she couldn't be sure of his reaction. "It's just. . . .I've never had. . . ." Then, she laughed nervously. "I'm sorry. I'm still working on this whole being open thing, and I sometimes have trouble. . . ."

He reached over and took her hand. "Take your time. It makes it easier."

Sarah looked up at him and nodded. Turning her hand, she made sure to lace their fingers together. This chemistry between them might never work out, but she wanted to enjoy it while she could. "I've always just done what others wanted because it was easier than fighting for what I wanted. I mean, I chose my own way for university and my degrees, and I made my own choices in life. But I've never been in a situation where the other person actually _wanted_ to do what I wanted to do."

Carson narrowed his eyes ever so slightly. "And that, love, is a shame." Their lunch arrived at that moment, so they paused long enough to sample the meal. After a moment, he grinned at her. "Ye said 'degrees.' So you're not just a nurse?"

"No." She shook her head. "I chose nursing as a result of my first degree taking me around the world. I'm also a Marine Biologist. I got my degree when I was eighteen as a result of working my tail off through high school."

He blinked at her. "How do the two relate?"

"I traveled. A lot. And I saw a lot of places that weren't as refined as this." She met his eyes. "Some of the most beautiful places in the world are also some of the poorest. And the need for medical care in some of those places really got to me. As well as the sacrifice and love the people who work in those places have for their patients. I love nursing. I love medicine. I would have loved to have become a doctor. But that's what drove my decision. Then, I was recruited by the SGC after working in the hospital near there, and the rest you know."

"Why do I get the feeling there's more?"

"Because there is." She shook her head sadly. "But I don't want to ruin our road trip with my family issues."

Carson nodded once. "I understand. And thank you. For being honest."

Sarah grinned at that. "You're welcome."

oOo

Rather than staying in Dornie, the village near Eilean Donan, Carson chose to rent a cottage on Loch Kishorn. Sarah sat spellbound by the scenery on the forty minute drive from the castle to their accommodations. Carson talked about past fishing trips, and she answered his questions. But she couldn't look away. She'd heard that the Scottish Highlands were wild, untamed, an acquired taste. But this beauty. . . .It took longer than the drive lasted to even absorb it.

And, once they stopped at their small cottage, it was even better. Sarah climbed from the car as soon as Carson turned it off, her eyes going out over the loch while the chilled breeze lifted her hair from her face. Clouds had started to settle over the Applecross Mountains, and Carson had pointed out various sights along the way. Now, she simply stared. The quiet was broken by the sound of the water on the shore, but it was as close to ideal as she could imagine.

Carson stopped at her side with a hand on her back. He took a deep breath. "It's almost like I remember it."

Sarah turned to him with a frown, her heart doing strange things at his nearness. "Almost?"

"Aye." He grinned at her, his blue eyes sparkling. "Ye were never here before."

For a moment, Sarah forgot the amazing scenery and the chill to the air and their plans. She was completely captivated by those beautiful eyes and the cheeky grin on his face. Carson's gaze dropped to her mouth, and she realized that he was about to kiss her. Her pulse rose, and she allowed her mind to quickly discard all ideas of discouraging him. Being here, in this isolated location, really highlighted her true feelings. She didn't want Carson to keep his distance. She wanted to know what it would be like to be held in his arms for more than simply comfort over the loss of her mother. She wanted to see if she could have something better than anything she'd ever experienced with a man before now.

Carson, however, had other thoughts. He glanced away, his face turning regretful. "I'm sorry," he said softly. Stepping away from her, he headed for the car. "I had no right. . . ."

"Carson." She stopped him with a hand on his arm. When he turned to look at her, she shook her head. "Don't apologize. I understand."

He smiled again, though this time it was filled with regret. "I know ye do."

They unloaded the car in silence, and Sarah escaped to the bedroom of her choice for a few moments. The window directly across from the bed looked at the same amazing view she'd had when they first arrived, and she let the peace of that soothe the frazzled emotions. Not that Carson had done anything to create conflict, unless she counted his withdrawal from that almost-kiss. Intellectually, she knew it was the right thing to do. Carson was a doctor first and foremost, and he would eventually return to Atlantis as the Chief of Medicine. Sarah was a nurse on Atlantis and would work for him. It was the same conflict that had kept them from pursuing anything deeper than their friendship.

However, as a woman, she stung. She'd wanted that kiss so badly, and she felt almost rejected that he hadn't followed through with the thought. It wasn't right to hold him responsible, and she let out a frustrated sigh as she turned from the incredible view. If anything, this trip had brought one thing into sharp relief: Sarah was falling for Carson and didn't want to stop.

Needing an outlet and pleasantly surprised to find that she had cell service, she logged into her email on her phone and opened up a new document.

_BC,_

_I know this is a weird time for me to be writing. And you're probably going to just shake your head and delete this. But I have to talk to someone._

_Have you ever. . . .You know what? Never mind._

_How are you doing? I know I've been "on vacation" for almost two weeks, but I'm truly "on vacation" now. Carson took me to see the Eilean Donan Castle in the Western Highlands, and it is absolutely amazing! There is so much history there! I could go on and on, but I took pictures. As soon as I get back to the States (only three more days), I'll develop them and send you copies. I'll even include notes on the back as to what each place is and how it's important. Suffice it to say that these castles are bigger in real life than in pictures. I never would have believed it had I not seen it up close._

_Right now, I'm using my phone to write you. We're in a cottage on the shore of Loch Kishorn. Carson's father used to bring him and his brothers up here to fish, and he's planning on fishing tomorrow morning. Honestly, I might join him. It's been years since I've fished, and I'm not doing it out of necessity this time. I might actually enjoy it!_

_I should let you go since I know you're busy with school and such. But I just wanted to write and see how you're doing._

_Sarah_

"Liar," she muttered as she pressed "Send." She hadn't wanted to write to see how her brother was doing. She'd wanted to write and spill out every ounce of frustration she felt over her complicated relationship with Carson. She'd always thought love was pure, uncomplicated, and easy. As she realized the process she'd gone through in the last two weeks, she'd learned differently. True love, the kind that put her desires on hold for the good of the other person, wasn't easy or uncomplicated. In this case, it was the hardest thing she'd ever done.

oOo

That evening, Carson took her to dinner in the nearby village of Achintraid. They sat at a small table in a pub, sharing a loaf of fresh bread while eating a hearty stew that Sarah couldn't even identify. Not that she wanted to. It tasted fantastic, and the fresh air made her feel like lunch had been a long time ago. The easy friendship between them had returned, but she felt him hesitate slightly every time he reached over to touch her hand or glance at her. And she understood. That afternoon, they'd nearly changed their relationship for good. And, now, with some distance, Sarah was happy he'd withdrawn. After calming down emotionally, she'd realized that they could have crossed lines neither of them were ready to cross simply because of the isolation and their own impatience. She'd never seen Carson as impatient, but she'd learned a lot about him as a man and individual. His "doctor persona" tamed a large portion of his stubbornness, but he was still a Scot.

After finishing their meal, they took a walk down the main road of the village. It was smaller than anything Sarah had ever seen, and she was completely charmed by the rustic feel and friendly people. As they passed a small arts and crafts shop, she nudged Carson's arm. "I'm going to take a look in here."

He grinned. "I'll be right there," he said, pointing at the fishing shop next door.

Happy that he understood, Sarah slipped inside. The shop hours said they would be open for another twenty minutes, which would give her enough time to browse, maybe find a souvenir, and get back outside before closing. She saw a lot of hand-made crafts, embroidered pillowcases, and quilts. Knowing she couldn't buy any of this stuff back in New York, she still hesitated to purchase anything. She'd have to take it on the plane with her, and she hated feeling like she needed to minimize the amount of items she took with her.

Then, she found it. The cane leaned against a shelf, almost blending into the shadows. She reached over and picked it up, noting the price tag carefully attached with a small string. The cane itself had been worn smooth with use, but the intricate Celtic knot pattern was still beautifully apparent. The dark wood was accented here and there with touches of gold, and it was worth every bit of the steep price the proprietress asked for it.

Smiling, Sarah carried it over to the counter.

"Och, ye found this?" The proprietress smiled sadly. "'Twas ma husband's afore he passed, God rest his soul. I dinnae want ta sell it, but I couldnae leave it lyin' about."

"It's beautiful," Sarah told her.

"Aye," the woman said. "I bought it from a man who made these by hand. 'Twasnae easy ta afford, but worth every bit."

Sarah narrowed her eyes. "Are you sure you want to sell it?"

Before the other woman could answer, the bell on the door jingled. Carson came in, the small paper bag holding the bait he'd purchased next door rattling slightly. His eyes found Sarah, and he limped to her side with a smile. But he was tired, and she could see it in his face. They needed to head out to the cottage so that he could rest. Turning back to the proprietress, she waited for an answer.

The woman eyed Carson and then nodded firmly. "Aye, I'm sure," she said with a sly grin. Though her eyes were misty, she rang up the cost, taking a fair amount off of the marked price. But she did so without Carson knowing, and Sarah was grateful.

After paying, Sarah removed the tag and held up the cane. "Look what I found."

Carson chuckled, and then he let out a laugh. "Och, this is. . . ." His eyes went from the cane to her face. "Thank ye." He immediately traded his plain, gray cane for the one she'd just purchased. She knew it was a weird gift, but the idea of him using a cane bought at a medical supply store when he had the option of something nicer, something that was unique, really bothered her. As he headed for the door, she turned to the woman behind the counter.

"Thank you."

The other woman leaned forward and touched her hand. "Just remember, lass. Ye may not have as much time as ye think. Don't waste it."

Sarah nodded soberly, understanding what the woman was saying. She'd bought that cane for her husband, and he'd passed. Now, she'd virtually given it to Sarah simply because of the way Carson had looked her when he found her. As she walked out to the car, she let out a deep breath. Her relationship with Carson may have been complicated, but it was also worth fighting for. The email she received from her brother that evening just confirmed it.

_Sarah,_

_Okay, this feels totally wrong for a brother to be doing, but I'm going to just do it. Or, write it, as the case is._

_You're __falling __for __this __Carson, __and __I __can __tell __by __the __way __you __write __about __him. __Given __that __I've __watched __you __struggle __in __your __personal __life, __I __can't __say __that __I'm __too __surprised __you're __struggling __with __this. __But, __from __everything __you've __told __me, __Carson's __a __good, __honorable __man. __One __I'd __be __happy __to __have __dating __my __sister. __Not __that __I __wouldn't __want __to __meet __the __guy. __Still, __if __you're __in __enough __conflict __that __you're __writing __to _me _about __it, __then __I __say __go __for __it._

_Now, __I __already __know __what __you're __going __to __say. __You __never __wrote __me __about _it_, __and __you're __probably __going __to __get __your __feathers __ruffled over__me__calling __you __on __it. __But __you __have. __Right __after __your __rather __awkward __sentence __break __in __your __last __email, __your __next __statement __was __about __how __Carson __took __you __to __see __Eilean __Donan. __(I __Googled __it, __by __the __way. __It __looks __amazing!) __His __name __has __crept __into __your __emails __more __and __more __in __the __last __week, __and __I __can't __say __I'm __too __upset. __You __might __not __like __this, __but __you __need __someone __looking __out __for __you._

_So, I'm going to play big brother even though I'm your little brother. Stop emailing me for the rest of the weekend. Go spend time with Carson knowing that you'll be heading back to wherever you work in a few days. Figure out if you like him enough to risk everything for him. If so, take the chance. You've sounded happier in your last several emails, and I know life has a way of changing. But it's better to change with someone you love at your side. Trust me. I watched Mum and Father go through enough changes to know that I'm waiting until I find the right girl. From everything you've said, Carson seems to be the right guy for you. So, if you're needing permission from anyone, you have it._

_BC_

_P.S. If you send pictures, please send one of this Carson, too. I'd love to know what he looks like so I can make sure he's treating you right the first time I see him. Okay. . .done with being a brother now. Have fun!_

Sarah laughed at the postscript and re-read the email. It was very strange to have her brother giving her romantic advice, especially since he didn't know half of what she and Carson faced. But, maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to take a risk or two. One thing was for sure: Carson Beckett was definitely worth the risk. Sarah let out a deep breath. If she decided to do this, it would change everything. Then, again, it would change everything even if she didn't.

Tired from traveling and all the emotions of the day, she rolled onto her back and fell asleep while trying to figure out what it would be like to be kissed by Carson Beckett.

~TBC


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning, Carson headed out to the edge of the loch in spite of the chill in the air. He didn't expect to catch anything, but the mere act of fishing calmed him enough to think. He'd known that bringing Sarah on this trip would change everything about their relationship.

And it had. His mind turned to the events of the previous day over and over as his hands set up the light lawn chair and his fishing gear. The beauty of Kishorn, which had taken second place to Sarah's when they'd arrived, was again lost on him. Had he not realized how quickly she was leaving for Atlantis, he would have kissed her.

Thinking about it now did little to change how he felt. He'd thought he'd managed to get a handle on these emotions so many times only to have something happen that showed him how deeply he cared for her. Just the day before, he realized he was falling in love with her. But that didn't change the dangers of allowing himself to fall for her. He was a doctor, and she was a nurse. While it didn't necessarily forbid them from having a relationship, it made things more difficult. And the practice was frowned upon by most individuals.

Carson sighed. His mum would tell him to just let Sarah know how he felt. But, even with the knowledge that she had a degree in Marine Biology, he refused. Hearing her talk about her decision to become a nurse, however short the conversation might have been, showed him how much she loved her job. He could not, in good conscience, deprive her of that any more than he could stop being a doctor.

He also needed to think about Atlantis and the changes that had likely been made in his absence. He'd put off considering all of the ramifications simply because he didn't want to think about Elizabeth. Now, he forced his mind to look past that one loss. With a new commander came certain expectations. Elizabeth _might_ have allowed Sarah and Carson to date only if she were on a different schedule than he was, and only if she did not answer directly to him. It would have still met with resistance, however, because he was a department head. Now, with Sam Carter in charge—a fact he'd learned during his time at the SGC—he couldn't guarantee any leniency. Not that Carter would do anything out of spite, but she was military. That non-fraternization regulation had been drilled into her.

And, of course, Carson needed to consider Sarah as well. She had more than just her job to influence her decisions. Her emotions had stabilized in the two weeks she'd been in Scotland, but she still had a lot of grief to work through. That she'd initiated contact with her brother thrilled Carson, but he didn't want to start a relationship with her that she would later regret. She already had too many of those.

"Hey, mind if I join you?" The focus of his thoughts interrupted his musings. Sarah stood next to him, wearing a light jacket over the sweater she'd chosen for the day. "Unless you'd rather I didn't."

"Och, no, love!" He jumped out of the chair as quickly as his still-healing body could move. "I was just wool-gatherin'."

"I could see that," she said with a smirk and sparkling eyes.

Carson watched as she reached for the extra fishing rod he'd brought for just such a scenario and shook his head. Sarah MacKenzie was a surprising woman. Many would have been put off by her insecurities, past, attitudes, and stubbornness. Not him. If anything, that drew him because she was a puzzle to figure out. Now, she expertly baited the hook and cast the line, showing him how proficient she really was. She didn't _need_ a man to look after her in the traditional sense of the word. But she needed someone to make sure she knew exactly how special she was.

She sighed, pulling him out of his thoughts yet again. "This is incredible!"

Carson followed her gaze across the loch to the Applecross Mountains. "Aye," he agreed. "We used ta go campin' up in the mountains there, and Da' would bring us here for fishin' in the mornin'. That night, Mum would cook them over the campfire."

She turned to smile at him. "It sounds wonderful."

"Oh, it was." With his mind firmly in the past, Carson wasn't worried about staring at her like an idiot. He smiled as he remembered the mischief he and his brothers would cause during those trips. Of course, that mischief often landed them in trouble with one or both of their parents. He clearly remembered the time he, Kenneth, and Calum had chased Ismay with the biggest, ugliest frog they could find, insisting that she kiss "Prince Charming." A chuckle escaped as he shook his head. They'd been taken for a long hike that day while their father explained that they shouldn't terrorize their sister with any kind of slimy creature. Then, Da' had laughed himself silly at the expression on Ismay's face. He tried to not allow the boys to see, but they'd been eavesdropping outside their parents' tent that night, Kenneth having heard the beginning of the conversation.

Sarah again pulled him out of his thoughts. "Carson?"

"Just rememberin', love." He picked up his fishing rod and cast the line into the lake.

They stayed silent for another hour until it became apparent that they were simply fishing for the sake of exercise. The fish weren't biting, and Carson knew they needed to head back to St. Andrews before long. He didn't say anything to Sarah, who had abandoned fishing in favor of staring at the scenery around them. She pulled her camera out of her pocket and took a few pictures of the panorama, commenting that they might not come out well, but she wanted the memories. Then, as Carson turned to cast his line one more time, he heard the camera click again. He glanced over his shoulder to see an impish grin cross her face as she lowered the device after having obviously taken a snapshot of him. He shook his head and let out a sigh.

The car was packed in silence, neither one needing to break it in order to get things done. Once in the car, Sarah stared out the window until they were past Eilean Donan. Carson suspected she was trying to take as much of the peace back with her as possible and couldn't help but agree. Life in Atlantis would be difficult, and she'd have a lot of situations to remind her of the recent loss in her family. But she was strong enough to face it. Of that he was certain.

Finally, she turned to him. "Carson, how are you? Really?"

He blinked at the question. "I'm fine. Why?"

"Well, you and Kenneth have PT, and I know it's painful." She shrugged. "And, when I head home, people are going to want to know how you're doing."

He couldn't argue with that. "I'm doin' good. Really. The PT is painful, an' Kenneth is a slave driver."

"I heard you call him 'the devil himself' the other day," she said with a smirk.

He snickered. "He wasnae too happy 'bout that."

"I don't imagine he was."

Carson sobered. "I've got at least another month here. If not two. After that, I'll have ta undergo psychological evaluations at the SGC before bein' allowed to return. _If _I'm allowed."

"I don't see why you wouldn't be."

"It's political, love." He glanced over at her. "While I have a contract ta finish, things have changed on Atlantis. Elizabeth kept the IOA at bay. I have no idea how they're reactin' ta havin' Colonel Carter in command. Besides, I'll still have PT once I return. It'll likely go for a very long time just so I can retain mobility."

She nodded. "I know." Looking out the window, she let out a sigh. "I can't believe I'm going back in two more days."

Hearing the wistfulness in her voice, Carson reached over and took her hand. She didn't tense as if she wanted to pull away, something that had changed since they'd arrived in Scotland, and he smiled as he laced their fingers together. They rode in silence until stopping for lunch halfway home. In the small restaurant, Sarah asked the waiter to take a picture of the two of them. As she leaned close to him, he caught a whiff of her scent and smiled. The camera flashed at that moment, and he blinked to clear his eyes. He had definitely loved having Sarah with him for these two weeks, and he'd miss her when she returned to Atlantis.

oOo

Their return to St. Andrews was met with smiles from both Moira and Kenneth. Carson carried the first load of luggage inside only to have it taken from his hand by Sarah. As he went back to the car for the fishing gear, Kenneth joined him. "I'm seein' things have changed," Kenneth said.

Carson straightened and glanced at his brother. "Aye," he admitted. "But it won't make much difference."

"It might." Kenneth grinned. "I'd love ta see ye bring Sarah to my weddin'."

Carson, who had bent into the trunk of the car to retrieve the final suitcase, straightened so quickly he smacked his head on the top of the trunk. Ignoring the throb and the way his brother winced at him, he frowned. "Wedding? You're gettin' married?"

"Aye." Kenneth's smile blossomed. "That's why I went ta Edinburgh this weekend."

"You said it was her birthday."

"It was."

Realizing he was still standing there, staring like a fool, Carson stuck out his hand. "Congratulations!"

Kenneth hugged him boisterously, like only a brother could. "Thank ye! Now, we just need ta work things out with you."

"Don't think about it," Carson warned. "There's more than just our jobs to think about."

"I know." Kenneth wisely dropped the subject, and the two went inside to enjoy the evening with Sarah and their mother.

The next two days passed quickly. Much too quickly for Carson's liking. He and Sarah visited that little bookstore again, this time with him following Sarah through the stacks as she shopped. He convinced her to pick out books that she couldn't take, saying he'd send them to her once a week so she always had a new bit of reading. Finally, she packed her suitcase and carried it to the car, once again wearing the sleeveless turtleneck and attractive jeans she'd worn when she arrived in Scotland. Her boots, with their modest heel, clacked as Carson took her duffel bag from her hands to stow it in the trunk. She smiled at him, but it wasn't a happy smile. She didn't want to leave, and he had to agree.

The ride to the airport passed in quiet conversation between the four. Kenneth chatted with Sarah, promising to send an invitation to the wedding as soon as the date was set. He teased her, asking if she could handle the sight of Carson in a kilt, and her sparkling eyes turned to consider him with a mixture of intrigue and amusement. Carson made the obligatory comment to his brother about being traumatized at the idea of his brother marrying, but his heart wasn't in it.

In the airport, the four sobered considerably. They couldn't walk with Sarah through security, so they stopped just before she would make that final walk alone. Moira hugged her close, whispering her admonitions to stay safe and stay in contact with them. Kenneth was next, also hugging Sarah and thanking her for coming to Scotland with Carson. His family had accepted her completely, and it warmed his heart.

Finally, Carson stood facing Sarah while his mother and brother stepped away to give them some privacy. She stared up at him with an inscrutable expression on her face. "Thank you for bringing me here."

"Oh, you're welcome, love." He leaned on the cane she'd bought him in Achintraid. "'Twas the least I could do for ye."

Her smile returned, but her eyes remained uncertain. "I agree." After an awkward moment, she let out a deep breath. "Carson. . . ."

"Aye," he said as he nodded. "I know."

"This sucks."

"Aye."

"Well. . . ." She shrugged, her gaze dropping to her feet as she bit her lip ever so slightly. "Thank you for everything." She turned to leave and then muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "Oh, forget it!" Without warning, she whirled to face him, took his face in her hands, and pulled him down into a heated kiss.

For a millisecond, Carson flashed back to that incident with Rodney and Laura. This was completely different, however. Sarah was right there, in person, and pouring her heart into this kiss. It wasn't a matter of "In case this doesn't work." This felt like she was trying to leave him with something to hold on to during the time they were separated.

Just as Sarah pulled back, Carson finally got his head around what had happened. Rather than letting her get away, he slipped his arms around her waist to pull her back toward him. Then, giving her only enough time to draw in a quick breath, _he_ kissed _her_.

She tasted of strawberries. He recognized more now that he'd recovered from his shock. The way she fit into his arms, how she responded to his kiss, how the flavor of her lip gloss blended with her unique taste to immediately intoxicate him. Rather than holding back anything, he chose to put every bit of the emotion he felt into that single kiss, knowing it could be his last. And he wanted her to have no doubts about how he felt about her.

When he finally eased back, she was on her tiptoes and stayed that way for a few moments. Then, she licked her lips as if savoring the same taste he'd enjoyed a few seconds earlier. Not looking away from him, she allowed him to see every bit of the emotion she typically kept hidden. Carson held her gaze, wanting to burn this moment into his mind forever. He was saying goodbye right now, but he knew he'd see her again. He refused to consider any other alternative.

The moment was broken by the necessity for her to board the plane. Carson reluctantly let her step out of his arms, and Sarah smiled sadly. "We're quite the pair, I see."

"Aye," he agreed. Reaching up, he ran his fingers through her hair before cupping her jaw with his hand. "Write me. I may not get the emails but once a week, but I'll respond."

She nodded. "I will." Her hand came up to cover his, and she pressed a kiss into his palm. "I don't regret this, Carson. Not one bit."

"Neither do I, love." He dropped his hand, frustration growing in his mind.

Nothing more was said as she slowly walked to airport security. Carson stood alone, thankful that his mum and brother had seen fit to head back to the car while he said goodbye. Once in line, Sarah turned one final time. She met his eyes and waved. He lifted his hand in response, summoning a smile from somewhere deep within. He couldn't say he truly loved Sarah, but those two kisses proved that he was well on his way to that point.

She disappeared through security and out of his life for the moment. The sadness that settled into his mind left him feeling the same urge to cry as he'd felt when faced with leaving Atlantis for the Ancients. This time, however, it was more than saying goodbye to friends. This time, it was saying goodbye to the one woman he could see at his side for the remainder of his life.

It was a quiet ride back to St. Andrews.

oOo

Once at her gate, Sarah dropped into a chair and stared out the window. She'd done it! She'd kissed Carson Beckett, and she'd come away hardly able to put a coherent thought together. Even now, she could still feel his lips on hers, and she shook her head. She was a fool for putting this off for so long, for allowing her own insecurities and stubbornness to prevent her from seeing what she had right in front of her. They were a long way from anything permanent, but they definitely had the foundation for the best thing she'd ever experienced.

And she'd allowed it to slip through her fingers. Tugging her phone from her pocket, she opened up her email and started a new message.

_BC,_

_I'm __an __idiot. __I __had __the __biggest __chance __of __my __life, __and __it __slipped __right __past __me __because __I'm . __. __. __. I've __let __Father __influence __me __so __strongly __that __I __couldn't __see __the __man __in __front __of __me __for __who __he __really is__. __And __I've __just __now __realized __exactly __how __incredibly _stupid _I've __been. __Carson __Beckett __is __possibly __the __best __thing __that's __ever __happened __to __me, __and __it __took __me __leaving __him __in __Scotland __to __realize __that __I've __been __a __fool._

_I'm sorry to dump all of this on you, but I've got no one to talk to anymore. Normally, I'd run to Carson and pour all of this stuff out. Well, I'd like to think I would, but I've been an idiot about that, too. The only times he really saw what I felt was when I wanted him to see it. Somehow, he saw through that, too. Every time I think about how he'd look at me, with such compassion that I wanted to melt, I realize I could have had something incredibly special all this time. I could have had a person to talk to while helping Mum, even if he wasn't physically there. I could have cried on his shoulder a lot more than I did._

_I __don't __even __really __know __why __I'm __telling __you __all __of __this. __I __just __need __to __get __it __out, __and __emailing __you __seemed __like __the __best __way __to __do __it. __But, __what __good __is __writing __to _you _when __I __can't __even __tell __Carson __any __of __this? __It's __not __like __I __can __just __run __downstairs __any __longer. __That __chance __passed __me __by, __and __I __didn't __recognize __it __until __it __was __too __late._

_Never __mind __your __sister. __She's __just __depressed __at __the __thought __of __leaving __Scotland. __Of __leaving _him_. __I'll __be __okay __once __I __get __back __to __base __and __get __back __to __work._

_I hope._

Looking up and out the windows at the dreary Scottish weather, Sarah MacKenzie admitted the truth to herself. She'd been so afraid of being hurt again and so angry at the world in general that she'd managed to ignore the one man who made it all worth it. Sighing deeply, she deleted the email and sat in silence until her plane arrived.

~TBC


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note:** For those of you wondering if I took leave of my senses after reading my Snippets and Snapshots chapter this morning, never fear! That's something around a once-a-year-thing for me, and I promise that this story hasn't taken a strangely morbid turn. This morning's chapter is what I call a purge fic, and that's not what TWS was about. Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

Sarah arrived back at the SGC a full day before her trip through the Stargate. She used that time to get the film in her disposable camera developed and then decide which pictures she would keep and which she would send. Of course, she'd ordered them in triplicate on the off-chance that she'd find too many to mail out. Then, she put together two packets: one for Carson and one for BC. Her brother's would arrive in a few days, but she'd be back on Atlantis for nearly a week before Carson received his. She'd worried about being presumptuous when coming up with this plan, but that kiss in the airport left her with no doubts at all.

Finally, her obligatory twenty-four hours on Midway were completed, and she stepped through the gate to Atlantis. The gateroom was the same as when she'd left, maybe a touch quieter, but it still took her breath away. Sunshine filtered through stained glass windows and was so different from Scotland that she almost wanted to cry. She rather liked Scotland and hadn't wanted to leave.

Colonel Carter came down the grand staircase to meet her. "Sarah. Welcome back."

"Thank you." Sarah smiled even though she didn't feel like it. "I wish I could say that I'm glad ta be here, but I'd be lyin'."

Carter gave her an odd glance but nodded sympathetically. "I understand. And please let me say how sorry I am to hear of your mother's passing."

In the past, Sarah would have simply stared at her. Now, she nodded. "Thank you."

Carter motioned for her to head out of the gateroom, and Sarah fell into step with the other woman. They said nothing for a time, and then Carter glanced at her. "How is Dr. Beckett?"

A flush darkened Sarah's cheeks. She'd spent the entire time while in Scotland working to _not_ speak with a faint Scottish accent. Her penchant for picking up accents had always amused her family, but she'd tried to avoid making the Becketts feel as if she was mimicking them. But, for the day she'd been in Colorado Springs and the day she'd been on Midway, she hadn't worried about that. Now, her speech had given her away. "He's good." She smiled as she thought about his shocked expression just after she'd pulled him into their first kiss. Of course, he'd recovered and left her barely coherent with his kiss, but it had been amusing at the time. "He said he still has a bit of PT left, an' his brother is helping him with that. Maybe a month. Two at the most."

"Good to hear." Carter grinned again as they reached the infirmary. Inside, the two women drew several reactions, the most boisterous of which was Marie's hug to Sarah. Rather than stiffening up, Sarah returned the hug.

Jennifer was soon there to take her place. "Welcome home."

"Thank you." Even more aware of the accent now that Carter had called her on it, Sarah again worked to avoid speaking with it.

She must have succeeded because Jennifer met her eyes. "Have you heard from Dr. Beckett?"

Carter gave her a sly glance, but Sarah ignored it. She nodded. "Yes, I have. He's doing well and hopes to be back in another month or two."

Marie's eyebrows rose. "That quickly?"

"Yes." Sarah shook her head. "He told me his brother is a slave-driver, but the PT has progressed well."

Jennifer nodded. "That's good. When we heard about the side effects of that healing device, we were worried he wouldn't recover at all."

_Oh, __he's __recovered_, Sarah thought wryly. Instead, she let out a deep breath. "I wasn't there for that. I was in New York. But, after I returned to the SGC, we had lunch, and he told me about it. And he hasn't been sick since then."

An awkward silence settled over the four women, and Sarah excused herself to head to her quarters. She didn't want to stand in the infirmary and discuss Carson when she wasn't entirely sure what they had. Oh, that kiss had cemented a few things in her mind, but she refused to pretend they were in a relationship when they'd only just allowed themselves to feel these emotions.

Once behind closed doors, Sarah set her duffel bag on a chair and opened it. The pictures she'd developed and placed in frames lay on top of everything, where she could make sure they'd not been damaged. She pulled out one that she'd taken after the trip to Loch Kishorn. The night before her departure, Kenneth had taken everyone to a local restaurant. They'd asked the waiter to take a picture of them, much like she had on their return trip from Kishorn. She sat next to Moira, the woman's arm around her shoulders, as Kenneth gave her rabbit ears and Carson grinned cheekily from her other side. She missed all of them.

Next came the picture they'd taken on their way home. Sarah had leaned into Carson's shoulder that day, and they'd smiled politely. But his eyes sparkled in the picture, and that smile looked somewhat like a cheeky smirk. After having spent time in Scotland, she knew he often kept that side of himself hidden while on Atlantis. She just hoped he'd let it out when he returned.

Setting the picture of Carson's family on her desk, she carried the one of the two of them to her bedside table. She couldn't be sure what they had or if they would even pursue anything once back in the familiar surroundings of Atlantis. But she would never forget the time she spent with his family. Powering up her laptop, she sat down and began to type.

oOo

Sarah's first email arrived on the same day as her letter. Carson opened the letter first, surprised when photos of their time in Kishorn fell out. He took a moment to flip through them, smiling as he remembered each moment. And, of course, her expression when she snapped the nearly-perfect shot of him fishing in the water. Then, he came to the one of the two of them.

Her note said she'd included some of the pictures for his mum, as well. But he couldn't move for just a moment. It had been a week since her departure, and he'd felt that absence keenly. The last time they'd been separated was while she was caring for her mother. Now, it was different. Things had changed for them, and he wasn't entirely sure what to expect when he returned to Atlantis. On the back of their picture, however, she'd written a small note. _Missing __you_. She'd signed her name with a small heart next to it, and he wanted to believe that it meant more than just a little quirk to her personality. But he also cautioned himself against getting his heart set on anything more than friendship when he returned.

Powering up the computer in his mum's study, he grinned at the device. The day after Sarah flew back to Colorado, Kenneth had shouted in irritation. Carson and Moira had rushed in to find him staring at the "blue screen of death." In typical Scottish fashion, Kenneth cursed the machine and then proceeded to swear that Carson's gift of the t-shirt had jinxed him into this. For the first time since Sarah's departure, Carson had cracked a smile long enough to tell his brother that Kenneth had been jinxed from the day of his birth. He'd received a good strong slap on his arm from Moira for the comment.

Seeing Sarah's email in his inbox only made his day brighter. He clicked on the icon, knowing that communication between Pegasus and Earth was a lot easier with Midway. Atlantis would dial in, transmit whatever reports and information awaited, and then Earth would dial out later that day so family members could respond to emails. It would likely make Sarah's day to find a reply from him.

_Carson,_

_Wow! I don't quite know what to say. I had all of this thought out given that it's been two days since I left Scotland, and now I can't think of a single thing to say._

_I suppose you'll want to know how things are here. Things are good. Marie and Jennifer send their regards. You were the first person they asked me about when I got back. Of course, I kind of gave everything away when I opened my mouth. I did tell you I pick up accents, right? Well, I didn't realize how much of your accent I'd picked up in Scotland until I stepped through the gate. Colonel Carter called me on it right away, and I'm still trying to break the habit. Not that I'm sure I want to break the habit._

_You don't know how badly I want to delete that last sentence. But I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't erase anything that might be embarrassing or a little too personal. While with you and your family, I started realizing how nice it was to have someone really see who I am. So, I decided that, when I email you, I'll only delete mistakes and such. But the comments will be what I'm thinking at the time._

_How are you? How's Moira and Kenneth? Good, I hope. I can never thank you for the time I was able to spend with your family. It helped a great deal, and I'm coping with the emotions now better than I would have if you had not intervened._

_Well, I just arrived a few moments ago, so I should probably get to settling in and refamiliarizing myself with the city. I hope things are good with you, and I look forward to hearing from you._

_Sarah._

_P.S. I miss you._

That last sentence spoke volumes. Carson re-read the entire email, picking up on little cues as to her state of mind. She wasn't happy to be back in Atlantis, no matter what she told others. And he had to smile at her promise to not erase anything. Clicking the "Reply" button, he began typing.

_Sarah,_

_I miss you too, love. More than you know._

_I love your promise to yourself about not deleting anything, and I'll make the same promise to you. Which is why I'm leaving that first paragraph in this email._

_Things here are good. Kenneth told me he's heading to Edinburgh again this weekend to set a date for his wedding, so I'll hopefully have news for you when you email again. And Mum will be thrilled to get your pictures. They arrived just a short time ago, and I haven't had a chance to give them to her yet. Responding to your email was a bit more important to me._

_Give my regards to Jennifer and Marie. And, if you're able, let Colonel Sheppard and Rodney know I'm well. I know Rodney's probably still carrying some guilt over what happened, and he needs to know that I don't hold anything against him. Who could have known that would happen or what the side-effects of the treatment would be?_

_Now it's my turn to apologize. I didn't want this to turn morbid, not with you where you're at and me where you want to be. I mailed out your first book, like promised, and it should arrive next week. Last I checked, it was somewhere in the Eastern US._

_I should probably allow you to get back to work. But, before I go, let me say one thing. You should never be ashamed of who you are. You are a beautiful, compassionate, amazing woman, and I'm proud to be your friend. Don't ever let the past tell you otherwise._

_Now, I'm done with psychology for a while. I apologize if that was blunt, but I've wanted to say that for a while. And it's staring at me in the face, begging me to delete it. But I won't._

_Now that I've likely managed to embarrass you and such, I'll let you go. Stay safe. And I look forward to your next email._

_Carson_

After a quick read-through for grammatical errors, Carson hit "Send." He took a moment to let out a deep breath and then pushed out of his chair. Moira sat in the living room, staring out the window at the rain. Carson moved to her side and carefully sat in the couch next to her. "Somethin' came for ye today, Mum."

She turned to him, the far-away look in her eyes fading as he offered the photos. Her eyes lit up when she saw the pictures of the three of them around Sarah. Carson kept back the one of him and Sarah, knowing his mother would want to see it but wouldn't keep it. Not with the note on the back.

After a long moment of silence, Moira stirred. "I like that girl, Carson."

"Aye, I know ye do." He braced his elbows on his knees. "I like her, too."

His mother wisely didn't correct him on it. "What is the problem, then?"

Carson sighed and stared at his hands. "I'm a doctor, Mum. An' it's not ethical for doctors and nurses to start relationships, especially if they work together. An', when I go back, I'll be her boss."

Moira nodded once. "What do _you_ want?"

He glanced up at her, trying to put everything into words. He wanted Sarah at his side from now on. He wanted to know she'd be there when he woke, staring at him under the guise of "observation." He wanted to tell her how he truly felt, to follow up that kiss in the airport with another, to learn everything about her and help her heal from her past, to simply love her for who she was. But he couldn't say any of it, not without his emotions getting the better of him.

Moira shifted in her seat. "I've kept quiet these last three weeks, Son, but I'm goin' ta have my say now." She reached out and touched his hand. "You're bein' a fool."

Carson couldn't help the snort that escaped at his mother's blunt statement. "Thanks, Mum," he said dryly.

"I'm serious." Moira shook her head. "When I found out ye were injured, I wanted ta come ta ye an' help. Kenneth wouldnae allow it, an' I can understand. Ye were undergoin' some painful treatments an' didn't need me there. But, when ye came home with Sarah, there was a difference in your face. I knew then that ye had feelin's for her, and she for you.

"There is _always_ a way." She paused and waited until he met her eyes. "Don't turn your back on somethin' just because o' your job. Ye'll regret it in the end."

Carson nodded as she pushed to her feet. She walked off, muttering something about finding a frame for the photo that Sarah had sent. But Carson reached for the picture of them and simply stared at Sarah's face. His mother was right, but he couldn't make that decision alone. Nor could he make it right now. He knew himself well enough to know that he wouldn't make the right one in the heat of this moment. He needed distance.

"Right," he muttered to himself. "How do I do that when I'm half in love with her in the first place?"

oOo

The next week passed slowly for both Sarah and Carson. On Atlantis, Sarah fit right back into her schedule in the infirmary and worked to keep herself busy. At night, though, she stared at his picture and wished he was there. She wanted his presence and for him to listen to her, and it seemed cruel that she'd realized what she had in Scotland too late to make a difference. So, instead, she chose to save up her thoughts for the next long email. It came out slightly morbid, but she sent it anyway, keeping the promise she'd made about not deleting anything. She found it incredibly therapeutic to pour out her thoughts on her mother, her family, life in general, and her homesickness for Scotland to someone who would understand. She ended with another postscript about missing him and hit "Send" just moments before the dial-out to Earth.

In Scotland, Carson threw himself into his PT. The house seemed quiet with Sarah's departure, and he wanted to be able to return to Atlantis sooner rather than later. During that week, he made a trip to Edinburgh to visit a specialist there, who declared him nearly ready to return to life as he'd once known it. Of course, the doctor didn't understand half of what Carson had gone through, but he was able to tell the family that Carson would make a full recovery besides the permanent limp and the scars. They'd gone to a nice restaurant to celebrate, and Kenneth had even picked up his fiancee to join them. Carson had watched his brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law and thought about Sarah. Did they have the same kind of expressions when together?

Her email, though long, made him smile. She'd managed to find a way to keep track of everything. Her style of writing was almost like reading a journal, and he was honored that she'd confided in him. It was such a change from how she'd been when they first met, and he looked forward to sitting down with her in person to discuss all of this.

Knowing time was of the essence, he replied to the email, including the news about his doctor's visit in Edinburgh. He was anxious to return to Atlantis, anxious to see her, and anxious to get this entire convalescence over with. That frustration came through in parts of his email, and he made sure to apologize rather than delete it. Up until now, he'd never truly understood the struggle she faced. He'd always been relatively open about his feelings and what he thought about life, and it had never occurred to him that falling for someone could be totally different. Now, however, he debated every word before typing it and realized that Sarah had needed to learn she could trust him. The level of trust she now placed in him was humbling, and he made plans to thank her for that when he arrived in Atlantis.

After sending the second email, he leaned back in the chair, wincing slightly as he hit a tender spot. His mum's words about Sarah and his job echoed through his head, and he closed his eyes. Going to Pegasus had been a huge step for him as he'd always been somewhat of a homebody in the first place. Now, he couldn't wait to get back. But it wasn't for adventure this time. No, this time, he had someone waiting for him, someone for whom he felt he could sacrifice almost anything.

Deciding to wait for her third email before revealing all of this, Carson left the study and wandered out into the garden. He had so many things to say to Sarah, but he wanted to see how she responded to his email. Depending on that response, he'd be open with her about his thoughts. Until then, he'd content himself to wait and work on returning to Atlantis as quickly as he could get there.

~TBC


	19. Chapter 19

_Carson,_

_I wish there was an easier way to stay in contact. Just hearing your voice over the phone would be worth every dime it took. And I could use it right now._

_Things here are good. Well, they are now. It's been tough the last few days, what with the various combat situations. I wish I could tell you about them, but I know that this email isn't secure. And it's frustrating! Very frustrating._

_Your book came today, along with mail call. Thank you. The note from your mum that was tucked inside is now on my desk, and I smile every time I think about it. Tell Moira thank you, please. She means the world to me, and I do appreciate all she did while I was there._

_And now I sit here wondering how to say this. I've tried being more open since getting back. Marie and I share lunch almost every day, and she's got a wicked sense of humor. Leaves me laughing myself silly all the time. Somehow, she thinks I'm funny, too, but I don't see it._

_Still, she's not you._

_Yes, I know I wrote that, and I've deleted it once before retyping it to keep with our agreement. Carson, I realized some things when I left Scotland, and I don't quite know how to make the situation right. It's frustrating to me to not be able to make things right in person. So I hope you'll accept this since I can't talk with you. But I'm so very sorry I was so distant the entire time I was there. You and your family are wonderful people, and I was an idiot to close myself off like that._

_Okay, I know this isn't a happy email, and I'm sorry for that. But there it is. I know you'll respond soon, and I look forward to seeing your reply after work. But I really do need to get going now. Jennifer will be upset if I'm late again._

_I miss you, Carson._

_Sarah_

As he read the email, Carson blinked. It was so different from her other two, so depressed. He wondered what "combat situations" had arisen and realized that he wouldn't know until he returned to the SGC. But, somehow, he'd get his hands on the reports of the days leading up to her email and figure out what chaos had taken place.

Hitting the "Reply" button, he sat and stared at the blinking cursor. What could he say to help her feel better? He thought about recording a video of himself and emailing it. But it would take too long to get things right, and he wasn't sure he could record what needed to be said without becoming emotional. And that was the last thing he wanted right now. Within the week, he had another appointment in Edinburgh. If the doctor was pleased with his progress, Kenneth would sign off on his release to return to the SGC. He'd have psychological evaluations to endure, but he'd be on his way back to Atlantis. Back to Sarah.

Finally, he started typing.

_Sarah,_

_I know this may not be the best time, but I've come to realize I can't just ignore things any longer. I want you to know how much I care for you. I know we agreed some time ago to keep things platonic, and I'll respect your wishes. But, when I return, I want to know if you'll be open to pursuing something more than just friendship. I wouldn't trade what we share now, but our time at Loch Kishorn—as well as that kiss in Edinburgh—really made me think about everything. Being there, alone with you, helped me realize how much I truly care. I can't pretend we don't have this drawing to one another. It's not fair to either of us, and I don't think we should try. I know this will create some conflict when I return, but I think we can work around it. I know this sounds selfish, but I want to be happy. And I want you to be happy. Ignoring the fact that I'm falling in love with you isn't the best way to do that._

_I hope this finds you well. I have a doctor's appointment in Edinburgh in three days. If that goes well, I'll be returning to Colorado a couple of days after that. Mum isn't happy, but she understands. Once I'm there, I'll be able to read reports and know what you're goin' through. I do understand, love. There were times I needed someone to talk to, and Rodney just didn't do the trick. I am glad you told me of your frustration, and I promise we'll sit and talk for as long as you want when I get back._

_Well, I should be going. Hang in there, love. I'll see you soon._

_Carson_

oOo

That evening, Sarah sat back from her chair and stared at the email Carson had sent. She knew he'd thought this through, that he hadn't just fired off an email without considering all of the consequences. And she appreciated that. Had she received that email shortly after returning to Atlantis, she would have been angry that he hadn't just told her to her face.

But it also stung. She wanted him there, so that she could see the look in his eyes and hear the tone of his voice. It would be easier to take him at his word. But now. . . .

Sarah sighed deeply. Now, she could trust that he'd say the same thing and had kept up his end of the bargain in not erasing anything, or she could doubt him. In all the time she'd known Carson Beckett, he'd never once given her reason to doubt him. Oh, he'd kept a lot from her, namely his battle with illness while he'd been in the SGC infirmary. But that had been under unusual circumstances, and he'd told her as soon as he'd had a chance. And he'd been right to keep it from her. She could not have handled his illness on top of her mother's.

Sarah re-read the email, letting his voice float through her head as she smiled. _I'm __falling __in __love __with __you._ Though it was part of a sentence, it spoke volumes. He cared that much about her? Enough that he'd put himself in an unethical situation to make sure she was happy? She knew Carson would never violate his personal ethics, and his email indicated he'd considered doing so and wanted her opinion. But she couldn't make a decision right now, not without talking to someone.

Sarah pushed away from her desk and walked out of her quarters. She'd been off duty for an hour, having taken a shower before checking for Carson's email. Now, she strode into the control room and found Colonel Carter still at her desk. In any other situation, Sarah wouldn't even consider intruding without being summoned. But this wasn't any other situation. She approached the door and cleared her throat. "Colonel Carter? Do you have a moment?"

Carter glanced up from her paperwork and smiled. "Of course." She stood and closed the door behind Sarah, clearly feeling the need for some privacy. "What's on your mind?"

Sarah settled into the chair Carter indicated and let out a quick breath when the expedition commander sat down next to her rather than on the other side of the desk. She clenched her hands together and stared at them, wondering just how to begin. "You know that. . . .I mean, I. . . .I don't open up to people well. And it's hard for me to really figure out emotional situations because of some things in my past." She glanced up at Carter and saw only an encouraging, if not slightly confused, expression. "I just got an email from Dr. Beckett."

Carter nodded encouragingly, not saying a word.

Sarah let out a frustrated sigh. "You know I went to Scotland with him, right?" When Carter nodded again, she closed her eyes and forced the words out. "There might have been more that happened in Scotland than just me recovering from my mum's death. We're not _in_ a relationship, but. . . ."

"But you want to be," Carter finished the sentence.

"Yes." Sarah opened her eyes and forced herself to continue. "I have another degree besides Nursing, and I wanted to know if there was an option for me to transfer departments. I know Dr. Beckett's concerned about ethics and that he'll eventually be Chief of Medicine, and I know the IOA will frown on our relationship, and I know. . . ." She trailed off when Carter reached over and touched her arm.

"Take a breath, Sarah." Carter smiled at her. "And you _can_ call him by his first name. I'll understand." She paused while Sarah nodded. "As for your transfer request, I'll note it down and make sure to have the paperwork in hand. But I'd like to see the two of you to spend some time together before making this decision. If things work out between you—and I have no doubt they will based on your time in Scotland—we'll transfer you. But give events the chance to settle first. Let him in on this decision."

Sarah nodded quickly at that advice. "I'm sorry to intrude, Colonel Carter. It's just that. . . ."

"I understand," Carter interrupted. "And call me 'Sam.'" She smiled. "No matter what happens, we'll be working together off and on."

Sarah pushed to her feet. "Thank you, Sam." She turned to go and then stopped when a thought hit her. "And I'll try not to storm your office like this again."

Carter smiled. "I'm glad you did. It gave me a break from paperwork."

Sarah left then, walking slowly back to her quarters. By the time Carson received her next email, he'd be at the SGC, hopefully preparing to return to Atlantis. The nearness of his return set her stomach to swirling and made her want to squeal. It was a completely foreign reaction, but she couldn't stop it when she thought about seeing Carson again. Of course, she wouldn't throw herself at him like she had in Edinburgh, but she planned to nail him down about that email.

_I'm __falling __in __love __with __you._ No one had ever said those words to her, and to read them in Carson's email sent her mind into the realm of dreams, something she hadn't allowed herself to do for a very long time. Sarah returned to her desk and re-read the email yet again, knowing that it was one that would stay in her inbox for a very long time. At least until she heard those words from Carson's mouth as he said them to her face.

oOo

Three days later, Carson and Kenneth sat in a small pub in Edinburgh, their drinks in front of them as they talked quietly. Carson had gone to the doctor that day and had been released to return to work. Kenneth had happily signed off on his PT, leaving him with a set of instructions to follow after he went back to Atlantis. And Carson knew he would. He would do whatever it took to get back there and assure Sarah that he meant every word in his email. He knew her well enough to know that she was likely doubting herself and needed someone to call her on it.

Now, however, Kenneth looked thoughtful. "Mum's not happy."

"I know." Carson took a sip of his drink. "I cannae do anythin' about it."

"I know." Kenneth rubbed his face. "It's been good ta have ye home."

"Aye, it's been good ta be here." Carson looked around, taking in the familiar sights. His father had brought him here after he'd been accepted into medical school, and he and his brothers returned as often as they were in Edinburgh. "Ye'll look after Mum?"

"Och, aye." Kenneth smirked. "Ye'll look after Sarah?"

Carson glared at the cheeky response.

Kenneth chortled and then let out a full belly-laugh. "Ye should see your face! I _knew_ she'd gotten to ye!" He sobered slightly. "Still, she's been adopted. No matter what happens between the two o' ye, she's part o' this family."

Carson agreed with that statement, and the two men lapsed into silence. His return home had been filled with emotion and concern, but he knew his mother would go through even more than that with his departure imminent. But he had a contract to fulfill, as he'd told Ismay. Sadness that he'd not been able to reconcile with his sister dimmed his happiness at being declared fit for duty, and he shook his head. He was looking forward to seeing Atlantis for more reasons than just the city itself. Getting back to life as normal—well, as normal as it ever was for him—meant more than just returning to work. For the first time, he actually had someone waiting on the other side of that wormhole.

The next two days went quickly as he packed up his personal effects, spent time with family, carefully worked out how he'd get through the SGC's psychological evaluation, and hugged his mother every chance he got. He often found Moira staring at him with a sad expression, but she never once tried to convince him to stay in Scotland.

On his last day, he opened the door to see Ismay standing there. She looked hesitantly at him. "Is it okay if I come in, Carson?"

"Aye." He stepped back and allowed his sister to wander aimlessly around the living room. Moira and Kenneth had gone to get a few groceries, leaving him alone when Ismay showed up. He wondered if it had been planned that way.

She turned to face him. "I'm sorry." Her eyes filled with tears. "I shouldn't have yelled at ye, an' I know ye've got more ta think about than just me. But seein' ye so injured, fresh out of a wheelchair, barely able ta walk. . . ." She shook her head. "I couldnae think about ye returnin' ta wherever it is."

Carson walked across the room to look his sister in the eye. "I understand."

She gave him a sad smile. "An' that's why you're such a good doctor." Without warning, she slipped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. "I'll miss ye, Carson."

He returned the hug. "Aye, an' I'll be missin' ye."

Stepping away from him, she eyed him mischievously. "So, what's this I'm hearin' about Sarah?"

For just a moment, Carson considered strangling his brother.

oOo

Leaving Scotland was difficult at best. But Carson knew he had more waiting for him in Colorado and Pegasus than he wanted to sacrifice. He would always miss his family, but he also needed to return to the work that made his life worth living. In Edinburgh, he hugged Moira for a long time, promising to write as often as possible and to take care of Sarah. Kenneth shook his hand and elicited a promise to return for the next Beckett wedding. Ismay hugged him tearfully, and Calum had brought Catriona to say goodbye to her favorite uncle. With the hugs out of the way, Carson carried the cane Sarah had bought for him in Achintraid through security and waved one final time to his family.

The flight to the SGC was long, and he arrived thoroughly exhausted from being unable to rest. This time, he didn't have Sarah's soothing presence or the help of pain medication. He signed in to the base, made an appointment with both Dr. Lam and the psychologist, and managed to talk Colonel Mitchell into giving him reports on what had been happening in Pegasus.

Elizabeth was truly dead. That was the first report Carson read, and he took some time after reading it to let his tears flow. Until now, he'd held out hope that she'd somehow survived her time with the Replicators. But, by releasing her nanites to replicate, they had destroyed the woman Carson had known as brilliant, wise, and caring. He paced his guest quarters, taking the time to grieve for the loss that had plagued him since his return to Earth. He and Sarah had talked a bit about it, but he hadn't told her the depth of his emotions.

It took him until the next day to read the next report. Elizabeth's death had not been in vain. Her Replicator double had brought the core drive of a ship to Sheppard and his team, allowing them to track down each and every Replicator ship in Pegasus. Between the _Apollo_ and the _Daedalus_, they'd managed to put a serious dent in the Replicator fleet before Rodney came up with an ingenious plan to destroy all Replicators and their planet. It had worked, too, leaving Pegasus to settle back into its normal fight against the Wraith. The follow-up report about Todd's capture and the Wraith cloning facility seemed to simply confirm that.

So much had happened since Sarah had returned to Atlantis. No wonder her last email was filled with regret. Carson opened his computer, intent on surprising her with an email of his own the next time they dialed in for their status report.

_Sarah,_

_I'm sitting in the SGC, writing from a secure email. That's why you've got my official name and title on this one._

_I just read the reports. I am so sorry I wasn't able to be there, love. Trust me when I say that I would have preferred to be there than waiting in Scotland, not knowing what happened. I look forward to seeing you soon. My appointment with the SGC psychologist is tomorrow, and I'll have more information on my return after that. Hopefully, I'll pass all of their tests and be on my way through Midway before the end of the week._

_I know this isn't very long, but it's what's on my mind. My last email stands, though. I feel that as strongly now as I did when I wrote it. I look forward to seeing you, love. To telling you everything in my head when I get to Atlantis._

_I can't wait to see you again._

_Carson_

~TBC


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note:** Okay, just a quick note to let you all know that I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year. It's a mad dash to write 50,000 words from November 1 to November 30. If I'm a bit late on review replies, please keep this in mind. I'm writing over there under this same penname, so look it up if you want to keep track of how I'm doing. I'll also be posting various excerpts of the new fanfic I'm writing, if you're wanting a bit of a taste. nanowrimo (dot) org. Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

Sarah let out a frustrated sigh and paced to one end of the med lab. She'd been in here with Marie when the city decided to lock them in and cut off their radios. So far, they'd been unable to do much more than access the infirmary's computer system and determine there was a city-wide quarantine in effect. It made no sense, and Sarah wondered why no one had bothered to come looking for them. Especially since they were the only two nurses on duty while everyone else went to lunch.

Marie stood and grabbed Sarah by her shoulders, steering her to a chair. "Sit down. You're making me nervous."

Sarah glanced at her friend. "Sorry. I'm just not great at sitting still and waiting."

"I've noticed," Marie said dryly. She eyed Sarah. "We could always talk about something more interesting than sitting here in boredom."

Suspicion began to wiggle in Sarah's mind. "Like. . .?"

"Oh, I don't know." Marie shrugged and looked around. "Research. Work. Food. Guys."

Sarah burst into laughter, unable to stop at the hopeful expression on Marie's face. "You're pretty obvious. You know that, don't you?"

"Yes, I've been told that a time or two." Marie dropped into another chair and leaned back. "So. . .?"

Resigning herself to sharing a few secrets, Sarah turned her chair. "He's going to be back soon."

Marie straightened suddenly. "He is?"

"Yes," Sarah said, nodding. She'd had the incorrigible urge to say, "Aye," but she'd suppressed that in favor of keeping the conversation on topic. "Last email I got from him said that he'd passed his psych evals and needed Dr. Lam to sign off on his return. So, it could be any day now."

Marie shook her head. "Wouldn't it be a shame if he returned today, and you were stuck in here?"

"_Don't_ jinx me like that!" Sarah's grin faded even though she was thrilled about Carson's return. She'd missed him terribly, and she knew from what he said that he'd missed her. But would it be the same? Would their relationship continue to grow like it had begun to do in Scotland? Or would the pressures of life in Atlantis make stall its development? These questions, as well as inevitable doubts about whether he would allow himself to feel what he'd said he felt once he returned, floated through her head and dampened her brief moments of glee.

Marie's hand on her wrist startled her. "Sarah. What is it?"

Sarah shrugged. "I don't. . . ." She blinked several times, trying to get her head around letting Marie see more of her than just a mask. "He said some things in a recent email, and I'm just. . . ."

"Wondering if he meant them?" Marie's face took on the look of someone who had inside knowledge. "If Carson Beckett wrote it, he meant it. Trust me on that."

"See, that's the problem." Sarah stood up again and started pacing. "I don't trust people well. I mean, we spent _two __weeks_ in Scotland. Just the two of us with his mum and brother. For a weekend, he took me to see a castle. A _castle_! How much more romantic does it get? And it still took me another two days to tell him how I feel! Of course, then I was leaving, but hey! At least he knows!"

Marie sat and listened politely through the entire emotional tirade and watched her friend closely as she dropped back into her chair. Sarah had been a lot friendlier since her return to Atlantis, and she loved hearing snippets of Carson's life from the younger woman. But these doubts were normal for someone who didn't know Carson Beckett. She leaned her elbows on the table. "What do you intend to do?"

"I don't know!" Sarah groaned as she covered her face. "I mean, if we start this thing up, there's no going back for me. And that's not an easy place to be with him going to be Chief of Medicine."

Marie admitted Sarah had a point there. "What do you _want_ to do?"

Sarah paused to truly consider the question. What did she want? Marie waited patiently for the answer, watching the emotions and a smirk cross her friend's face. "Marie, you _don't_ want me to answer that."

"Actually, I do." Marie shrugged. "Until you're able to define what you want out of something, how do you know if it's worth fighting for?"

Sarah met her eyes, the turmoil in them slowly fading into certainty. "I want. . . ." She flushed and looked away. "I want someone to listen to me. Someone who hugs me without expecting anything more than a hug in return. Someone to make sure I'm okay before he thinks about himself. I want. . . .I want Carson to kiss me like he did in Edinburgh the day I left. I want to sit with him in the evenings, with everyone knowing what we are to each other and no one caring. I want to know what it's like to wake up to him every morning and not be afraid to stare because he's just so amazingly _gorgeous_!" She dropped her head onto her arms, effectively hiding her face. "I'm so _pathetic_!"

Marie couldn't keep the giggle from escaping. She'd never truly been in love for herself, but her friend had clearly fallen for Atlantis's resident Scottish enigma. "You're not pathetic." She waited until Sarah looked up. "You should tell him this stuff."

Sarah's face dropped back into her arms, her voice muffled as she spoke. "I tried. Didn't work out so well."

"What did he say?" Marie moved back to a chair and began to sit down.

"That he's falling in love with me."

Marie missed the chair and landed on her rump as the chair wheeled across the room. "Ow!" She rolled to one side and rubbed the bruise. Sarah jumped to her feet, but Marie waved her off. "I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes." Marie grabbed the chair and made sure it stayed in one place. "He told you that? After you told him that you wanted all of this?"

"Well, not exactly." Sarah squirmed. "He told me that after I emailed him in a really depressed mood. Part of me can't help but think he was just trying to make me smile."

"That's not Carson, sweetie." Marie took Sarah's hand and looked her in the eye. "If he wrote it, he meant it. If you don't trust me, then trust _him_."

Marie let the conversation drop as Sarah absorbed what she'd just said and what was just admitted. She stood and walked toward the window, still rubbing her sore hip. Jennifer would likely laugh at the cause, though Marie had no intention of ever telling anyone about this conversation. Sarah had needed to get it out, and Marie was grateful to be the one to listen. She looked out the window and shook her head.

Something was really wrong. She knew it when the doors slammed shut, and she couldn't help but shake the foreboding in her stomach. Especially when she saw Colonel Sheppard climb past the med lab window on his way up the side of the tower.

oOo

Twenty-four hours on Midway was almost more than Carson could handle. Not that he didn't have medical reports to catch up on. But the nearness of Atlantis and the time he was forced to wait grated on his nerves. When his departure was delayed for three hours due to problems with Atlantis's gate, he chafed with impatience. Sarah waited for him on the other side of that wormhole, and he wouldn't stop until he saw her for himself.

Finally, he was called to the control room and told they'd established a connection. Bill Lee from the SGC wished him well, and Carson stepped through the event horizon and into Atlantis's gateroom.

He'd missed this place! A buzz of activity surrounded him, and he felt the city's systems press into his mind as a result of his ATA gene. It felt foreign for a moment, but it also made him smile. Looking around, he remembered the last time he'd been here and his promise to himself to return. Rodney was nowhere around, but he saw Colonels Carter and Sheppard headed his way. Both of them looked a little ragged, but they had smiles for him.

Carter reached him first. "Dr. Beckett, welcome back to Atlantis."

"Thank ye." He shook her hand and turned to Sheppard, enjoying the back-slapping hug shared between friends. Taking in a deep breath and letting it out, he nodded. "It's good ta be here."

Sheppard grinned. "Rodney would have been here, but he's harassing Keller in the infirmary."

"Is he, now?" Carson smirked. "Maybe I should go an' rescue the poor lass."

"Probably a good idea," Sheppard nodded.

Carter stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Before you go, Dr. Beckett. I wanted to let you know to take a few days to get your bearings. There are a lot of reports to catch up on, and I don't want you overdoing in the process."

Carson nodded, grateful for her advice. "Thank ye, Colonel. I'll likely take ye up on that offer."

The two let him go, and he took the familiar path to the infirmary. Many people stopped to enthusiastically greet him, one of which was Major Lorne. Carson endured each reunion with a smile. When that explosion went off, he'd thought for a few seconds that he was dead. Waking in the infirmary three weeks later was both a relief and a burden. A relief because his mum and family wouldn't have to go through that, but a burden because of his long recovery. He still had a ways to go, but he was back and ready for action. Or so he liked to think.

The infirmary was in shambles. Carson walked through the door and looked around in surprise. Shelves had been turned over, medical supplies scattered, beds out of place. Over it all, he heard Rodney McKay's voice fussing at Keller, telling her that _something_ had to be wrong. Why else would he be coming down sick?

Carson headed that direction and managed to sneak up on both of them. "Why are ye givin' Dr. Keller a fit, Rodney?"

His question was met with completely different reactions. Jennifer squealed and hugged him while Rodney simply stared. "Carson?" The physicist pushed off the hospital bed to shake his hand. "Oh, it's good to see you!"

"Aye, it's good ta see ye, too." Carson shared an amused grin with Jennifer. "Now, what say we leave Dr. Keller to her work an' you an' I go get somethin' ta eat?"

"I'd love to, but. . .um. . . ." Rodney motioned over his shoulder. "There was a storm in the ionosphere earlier, and it triggered a city-wide lockdown. I need to. . .um. . .tweak the controls to account for any further ionospheric activity and. . .uh. . . ." His voice trailed off. "It's good to have you back, Carson."

"Thank ye, Rodney." He put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I understand." He tried to convey more in those few words than he had in the past, and Rodney apparently got the hint.

"Right. Well, um, maybe we can get together for dinner tonight."

Movement behind Rodney caught Carson's eye, and his smile widened when he saw Sarah appear from the med lab. She looked wary, but a smile touched her lips when she saw him. "I'm not sure, Rodney. Let me see wha' happens."

Rodney glanced over his shoulder and saw Sarah. "Right. Of course." He clapped Carson on the shoulder. "Welcome home."

Carson held Sarah's gaze as Rodney excused himself. The physicist's guilt over what had happened, namely the canceled fishing trip, would resolve itself. Right now, he wanted to enjoy this moment. "Sarah."

"Carson." She stood with her hands in front of her, reminding him of how she'd appeared when she first showed up at his door after her mother's death. That broke through his hesitation, and he crossed the short distance to gather her into a hug. She laid her head on his chest and returned the hug, but Carson sensed her reticence.

"Are ye okay, love?"

"Yes." She smiled. "Just. . . ." Her eyes moved as she stared at him. "I really am happy to see you. It just feels a bit awkward."

"Aye," he admitted. He was standing in his infirmary, hugging a nurse. He regretfully let his hands drop to his sides. "I should probably let ye get back to work."

She nodded. "I've got lunch in a bit. Maybe we can meet up then."

"Aye," he agreed before greeting the other medical personnel and then heading to his quarters.

They were unchanged from the last time he'd seen them. Carson looked around, leaving his rolling suitcase near the door as he absorbed the impact of his return. A picture of himself and Rodney sat on his desk, the two of them laughing as they strolled through a meadow of yellow flowers. Just after that, Rodney and Laura Cadman had been scooped up by a Wraith dart. Above the desk, copies of his diplomas and awards hung in a proud arrangement, and a small Saltire draped down one wall.

Moving to the suitcase, Carson pulled out several new photos to add to his desk. Him and Moira. Him with Kenneth. Him with Sarah. That last one made him smile as he thought about her reserved and awkward greeting in the infirmary a few moments ago. Before the day was out, he would track her down and assure her that he'd meant every word of his email.

An entry request sounded at his quarters before he did much more than put his clothing away. Carson limped over to the door, expecting to see Rodney or Sheppard on the other side. Instead, Sarah stared up at him. "I hope I'm not interrupting."

"Of course not, love!" He let her into the room and simply stared. Her picture, while beautiful, didn't do her justice. She had gained some coloring while on Atlantis, likely the result of the sunshine here.

She licked her lips. "I just wanted to come and see if. . . ." Her voice trailed off as she stared at him.

In that moment, Carson made his move. Sliding one hand under her hair, he gently pulled her to him and kissed her. She responded with the same desperation she'd had in the airport, but this was different. The sadness was gone, replaced with relief and hope. For those few moments, Carson allowed himself to get lost in her. _This_ was the greeting he'd been waiting for.

Sarah didn't hold anything back, either. As he pulled away slightly, she smiled against his lips. "Welcome home, Carson."

"Thank ye, love," he murmured, letting his lips brush hers before claiming them for another heated kiss. Pulling her tighter against him, he felt her hands roam down his back. She didn't shy away when she felt his scars, choosing instead to ghost her fingers teasingly along the edges. The sensation, while not totally comfortable, sent shivers of awareness through him as he realized she wasn't put off by his deformities. He released her lips and trailed kisses along her jaw, loving how she tipped her head to the side and let out a little sigh of pleasure when he took advantage of the invitation. Finally reclaiming her lips, he buried his hands in her hair as he felt her totally surrender to him.

_That_ got his attention. Pulling out of her grip, Carson took a few steps away to clear the haze from his mind. He still tasted her strawberry lip gloss and knew he'd feel intoxicated for a while yet. But he wouldn't allow nature to take its course. Not yet. Turning, he saw the confusion and rejection cross her face in spite of the flush of desire on her cheeks. He wanted to gather her back into his arms but knew he'd never be able to stop if he did.

"Carson?"

"I'm sorry." He met her eyes, hoping she could read every emotion there. "I'd love nothin' more than ta keep goin', ta show ye what it is ye do ta me every time I see ye. But you deserve more than that." He held up a hand to stall her questions. "When we cross those lines, Sarah, I don't want it ta be in a desperate moment of reunion. I want ye ta know beyond a shadow of a doubt exactly how I feel an' that I'm not goin' at leave the next day. I want it to be perfect."

She took a step toward him, her hair tousled from where he'd run his hands through it moments ago. "It would be perfect, Carson."

He shook his head. "No. Not now. Right now, we're both emotional an' happy to be together. When the time comes—an' I promise ye it _will__—_we will have a much deeper bond." He put his hand on her cheek, allowing his fingers to trail along the curve of her jaw. "I want more for us than just a night of passion, love. I want something profound an' that we will never forget."

Sarah held his gaze, various emotions flickering through her eyes. The confusion faded, and the rejection slowly followed. "You really mean that?"

"Aye," he whispered. He ran his thumb along her cheekbone. "You're too important for me ta mess this up. But I don't mind sharin' a few more moments like _that_."

She smiled impishly before standing on her toes to press a kiss on his lips. Carson returned it, but he also felt her holding herself in check. Somehow, that seemed just as hot as the passion of a few moments ago. She ended the sensual, lingering kiss and stayed in his personal space, not touching him but so close that he felt the heat from her body. Gazing up into his eyes, she nodded. "I won't take 'Wait' forever, Carson."

"Ye willnae have to, love." He ran his hand through her hair one more time.

She nodded and stepped back. "Would you like to join me for dinner tonight?"

He smiled at the invitation. "I'd love to." At his agreement, she headed for the door. Just before disappearing, she glanced back to give him a coy smile. The door closed, and he stared for one more dumbfounded moment. "Right. Cold shower!"

oOo

In the corridor, Sarah took two steps and then leaned against the wall. That man could _kiss_! When he'd pulled her to him, she'd felt the anticipation build. But, when he'd thanked her for welcoming him back to Atlantis, he'd kissed her with such passion that she felt it all the way to her toes. His scars meant nothing to her, and they simply made him unique in her eyes. She wanted to see those scars one day, to run her fingers along them and assure him that she didn't see him as any less of a man. If anything, he was better than any man she'd ever known because of what he'd survived.

Pushing away from the wall, she made her way to her quarters. Carson had been right in putting a stop to things, no matter how badly she'd wanted him to continue. The recent quarantine, barely three hours in the past, had left her thinking about her relationship with him and where she wanted it to go. Now, she was on an hour's break from working in the infirmary, and she would never have been able to look Marie or Jennifer in the eye if she and Carson had allowed their passion and chemistry to take over. Of course, it was quite difficult for her to think around him after those kisses, but they confirmed that what she'd sensed in the Edinburgh airport wasn't a fluke of their surroundings. His email was the truth, and she could trust him.

_I __want __more __for __us __than __just __a __night __of __passion, __love. __I __want __something __profound __an' __that __we __will __never __forget._ His words played through her head as she slipped into her quarters and decided to take a quick cool-down shower. If she told the truth, Carson pushing away from her and taking a few steps to put distance between them when she'd so obviously given herself over to him had stung. She'd immediately reverted to the defensive for a few moments until he'd explained what _he_ wanted for her. Sarah couldn't begin to describe what it meant to have a man who clearly wanted her—and she'd felt that from the time he'd pressed her against his body—to put his own desires on hold until the time was right. The last relationship she'd had wasn't about controlling desires until the couple was completely ready, emotionally and physically. It was about her ex-boyfriend satisfying his own needs, and Sarah taking what she could get out of it. Which was usually a few moments of acceptance and then hours of being ignored as he did his own thing. Carson had, in essence, rejected the momentary pleasure in exchange for building something that would truly satisfy Sarah emotionally and physically as well as bringing them closer together. She wondered if she could handle the anticipation of what that passion would be like when they finally did "cross those lines," as he'd said.

Once she felt her body return to a normal, she climbed from the shower and dressed to return to work. Her hair dried quickly, though the roots stayed a bit damp. Sarah tried to walk into the infirmary looking for all the world like she'd just gone to get something to eat, but Marie cornered her right away. "What happened to you?"

Sarah frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Your eyes." Marie grinned. "They're sparkling. And you've got this slightly dazed look on your face." As Sarah's cheeks heated, Marie chortled. "You went to see him!"

Deciding she couldn't hide it, at least not from the woman who nearly pushed her out of the infirmary an hour ago, Sarah let out a frustrated sigh. "Yes. I went to see him. And, no, I'm not telling details."

Marie blinked. "You know, with a comment like that, my mind is going in all the _wrong_ places! Don't get me wrong, Sarah. I'm happy for you and Dr. Beckett. But I did _not_ need that kind of information!"

If possible, Sarah's face became even hotter. "_Nothing_ like that happened." She eyed her friend. "But it could have."

Marie cringed and groaned in sisterly fashion and then gave Sarah a quick hug. "I'm glad you're happy, Sarah. Just spare me next time you decide to have a little rendezvous with Carson."

Unable to resist, Sarah laughed at her friend's discomfort and did her best to focus on the work at hand. But her mind kept wandering to how it felt to be in Carson's arms and to have his complete, undivided attention, and she knew that waiting would be the hardest thing in the world to do with the man in the city. Somehow, she couldn't help but feel like one struggle had passed but another—this new one just as frustrating but infinitely more enjoyable—had just begun.

~TBC


	21. Chapter 21

Sarah managed to change out of her base uniform before Carson appeared that evening. She let him into her quarters and was thrilled when he immediately gathered her into his arms for another kiss. This time, it wasn't passionate or frantic, but it held plenty of heat. Carson allowed it to slowly build and linger, and she realized that kisses like this would lead to much more than the passion of that afternoon. Kisses like this led to a lifetime.

When Carson pulled back, he settled his arms around Sarah and simply held her close. She moved her arms from around his neck to around his waist. Listening to his heartbeat, she idly ghosted her fingers along his scars as she thought about the first time he'd held her like this. It had been right after her mother's death, and she'd realized that night that Carson wouldn't take advantage of her. In those moments, she'd started truly falling for him.

Now, however, he shifted suddenly, and a giggle rumbled under her ear. Sarah lifted her head to frown at him. He reached around and stilled her hands as they moved along his lower back. "Sorry, love. But that tickles."

She grinned wickedly. "You didn't seem to mind it earlier this afternoon."

"I didn't mind _anything_ this afternoon," he said dryly.

"So I noticed." She grinned as she stared into his eyes. "You were right to put a stop to that, Carson. Once my head cleared, I realized that. But I'm not sorry it happened."

He returned the grin, his dimple making an appearance and charming her completely. "Neither am I, love."

Sarah pulled away from him reluctantly, leaving him to study her quarters as she retrieved a pair of shoes. Though staying barefoot in her quarters with Carson was her prime choice of activities for the evening, there were others who would love to be reunited with him as well. And he likely wanted to see the city he'd nearly died to protect. Though, right now, she surveyed her living space, trying to see it with new eyes.

What did it reveal about her, other than that she was a bit rushed when she came home this evening? Her uniform jacket was tossed on the foot of the bed, the yellow stripes contrasting with the plum-colored comforter. Cream sateen sheets peeked from below the comforter, and she'd stacked plum and cream pillows on the bed for a look that was luxurious but infinitely inviting. And she'd made sure to add touches of the colors throughout the remainder of the room. Her desk was neat, but it was her bedside table that held his attention. Sarah flushed when she realized he'd seen the picture of the two of them that she kept there, but she couldn't be too embarrassed. She knew he kept one of her on his desk in his quarters.

They headed for the mess hall a few moments later. Carson laced their fingers together as they walked, wordlessly staking his claim without making it obvious. Sarah realized that this—quiet actions that spoke loudly, the rock-solid confidence in who he was, the lack of a need to bring glory to himself—would be the norm for life with Carson Beckett.

Their progress was stalled when Amanda Cole came around the corner. Sarah released Carson's hand at the other doctor's surprised gasp, allowing him to gather Amanda into a warm hug. She smiled sadly at the soft tears shed, the apology accepted, and Carson's quiet assurance that none of this was anyone's fault. It would take time for those emotional wounds to heal, but these few moments would go a long way.

Sarah also realized something else as she watched him console a friend. Though she and Carson hadn't really explored more than a few kisses and the obvious desire to continue their relationship, Sarah knew she should have felt a bit more jealous at that moment than she did. She supposed that it was because Amanda so obviously needed Carson to reassure her, that she knew that Amanda wasn't out to claim Carson for herself, and that the situation warranted the hug. But it also told her she trusted Carson, no matter how she might second-guess herself. Having him in Atlantis, kissing her like she'd dreamed about for the last month, cemented what he'd said in her mind. He did want a relationship with her, and he wanted something pretty special.

After the brief pause, Carson gave Sarah a smile as Amanda headed for her quarters. He didn't take Sarah's hand again but rested a possessive hand on the small of her back as they entered the mess hall. Heads turned, someone started clapping, and soon the entire place was on their feet. In their eyes, Carson was a hero for risking his life to save Watson. And he'd earned their undying loyalty. Sarah watched him limp through the crowd, shaking hands and hugging friends. She'd seen women with disabled vets before and had always looked at them with a mixture of admiration and pity. Admiration because they stuck by their men, and pity that they had to put up with the disadvantages and the scars. Now, she was with one such man, and she was incredibly proud of who he was, what he'd survived, and how bright his future looked.

Carson turned, waving her over to his side as he chatted with Major Lorne. Sarah had treated the major a few times in the infirmary, but she'd never really spent a lot of time with the man. While Carson had been moving, she'd stood back and watched, smile in place and tears in her eyes. Seeing Atlantis welcome him home meant more to her than she'd realized it would. Now, however, she joined him and was effortlessly included in the conversation. Major Lorne glanced between the two, clearly seeing how Carson instinctively wrapped his arm around Sarah's waist. And, with that one action, the secret was out. While Sarah knew that it would have escaped sooner or later, Carson had just announced to everyone that they were in some sort of relationship.

The conversation with Major Lorne ended, and Carson turned her toward a table in the back. Colonel Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, Dr. Zelenka, Jennifer, and Carter all sat around it, watching them with welcoming smiles of their own. Sarah suspected that their relationship wouldn't have drawn as much attention as it had if Carson had been in Atlantis for a while. To have him return—and to return to _her__—_made the already-active grapevine go into warp speed trying to keep up. Happy to give them something to discuss for once, Sarah looped her arm through Carson's and led him toward the friends he'd been waiting months to see.

oOo

As soon as the applause started, Carson wanted to turn around and leave the mess hall. He'd only done what any other doctor worth his salt would do. But he remained rooted in place as every person rose to their feet, giving him a standing ovation and welcoming him home. He saw so many familiar faces in the crowd: Marie, Chuck, Zelenka, Lorne, Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla—who hadn't risen to her feet—Jennifer, and many others. A man moved, and Carson recognized Dr. James Watson, the man he'd nearly died to save. The scientist walked up to Carson and pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you, Doc." There were tears in Watson's voice.

Carson returned the hug. "You're welcome, my friend."

After that, he moved through the crowd. Marie got a long hug, Chuck a handshake and slap on the back. Zelenka, Jennifer, Teyla, Sheppard, Carter, and Ronon would wait a few moments as he moved through the faces. The only glaring absences were Elizabeth's and Rodney's. He refused to think too hard about Elizabeth. If he did, he'd wind up crying, and he didn't want everyone here to see that.

Finally, he reached Lorne's side. The major shook his hand, a rare smile lighting his features. "Welcome back to Atlantis, Doc."

"Thank ye, Major." Carson felt the grin he gave the major all the way to his toes, the celebratory atmosphere helping to soothe the lingering grief. "It's good ta be back."

Lorne sobered almost immediately. "Have you seen Dr. Cole?"

"Aye, on the way over here." Carson's grin dropped from his face. "Why?"

Lorne glanced around before lowering his voice. "I'm concerned for her. She's been distant since. . . ." The major motioned to Carson's leg, and the doctor understood. He also read a lot more than Major Lorne wanted him to see. Months of studying Sarah and learning to get below her mask had given him an edge with the reserved military 2IC of Atlantis. Lorne cared about Cole—deeply—and he was concerned for the depression she'd experienced. It reminded him of how concerned he'd been for Sarah when she appeared at the SGC following her mother's death.

Thinking of Sarah made him realize she wasn't at his side any longer. Glancing around, he spotted her standing next to Marie and watching him with a smile. He motioned for her to join him and turned back to Lorne. "I'll speak with her a few more times, Major. It'll take some time for it ta sink in that she's not responsible."

Lorne nodded as Sarah joined the two men. "Thanks, Doc."

"Och, think nothin' of it, Major." Carson clapped the man on the shoulder and headed for the table he'd waited to greet until last.

Ronon stood and pulled him into a Satedan bear hug. Most men would have scoffed at the idea that Ronon felt more than ambivalence, but Carson knew different. He accepted the bone-crushing welcome and turned to hug Jennifer like he had that afternoon in the infirmary. Sheppard was next, with a handshake and a hand on his shoulder like normal. Carson turned to Teyla. . .and froze.

The Athosian pushed awkwardly out of her chair, her extended belly making it difficult for his eyes to go anywhere else. He'd noticed that she'd filled out in his absence, that she had a glow about her. But he'd not realized she was _pregnant_. Tearing his eyes from her unborn child, he smiled. "Teyla, love, wha' is all this?" He made sure to put just enough surprise and joy in his voice so that she didn't take offense.

"Carson." She hugged him, her child squirming between them. "It is good to see you again."

"Aye, an' ye, as well." He held her shoulders long enough to stare at her. "How are ye doing?"

She got the message and glanced away. "Well enough. Dr. Keller assures me that my son is healthy."

"A son?" Carson's smiled widened. "Congratulations, love!"

"Thank you, Carson." She carefully settled back into her chair, the conversation closed for the moment. Carson greeted Zelenka and pulled a chair over for Sarah when he realized there was only one empty place. "Where's Rodney?"

Sheppard shrugged. "Who knows? Though I heard he started getting sick today."

"Aye," Carson agreed dryly. "That sounds like him."

The conversation turned to lighter topics, with the team peppering Carson about his time on Earth. Sarah even answered a few questions aimed at her, and Teyla shared a private grin with Carson when she realized that Sarah had gone to Scotland with him. But the elephant in the room—Teyla's pregnancy—was not discussed. Carson knew it would come up later, but he kept a lid on his questions for now. Content with life as it was, he draped his arm around the back of Sarah's chair and ran his fingers through the ends of her hair as the he reconnected with some of the best friends he'd ever had.

It felt good to be home.

oOo

The next morning, Carson slapped the alarm clock next to his bed and remembered why he hated the thing. In Scotland, he'd awakened to the sun streaming through his window, but Atlantis's twenty-seven-hour-long days made his body's rhythms obsolete. He'd need to adjust sooner or later, and sooner seemed to be the right idea.

Pushing out of bed with a groan, he took a few moments to make coffee and clear the sleep from his eyes. When on Earth, he drank tea with his Mum and Sarah, but he often drank coffee here on Atlantis. It just seemed to call for the stronger brew with the stress of having the possibility of a Wraith attack at any moment. While the rich smell of his favorite roast filled his quarters, he did his physical therapy exercises. Finally, covered in a fine sheen of sweat, he climbed into the shower and prepared for the day. He had just enough time to sit and enjoy that first cup before heading to the infirmary.

Last night, Carson and Jennifer had briefly discussed his transition back to Chief of Medicine on Atlantis. He didn't want to just take over from her, having already heard from Sheppard and Carter how great of a job she was doing. In truth, he'd have been happy to take the second-in-command position in the infirmary. But Jennifer would hear nothing of it, saying she'd give him a week or two to settle before handing the reigns back over. He sensed the desire to simply return to being a doctor in her voice and knew he'd have to deal with that, too.

First cup of coffee finished, he poured the rest of the small pot into a travel mug and carried it through the halls. People still unaccustomed to seeing him waved, smiled, shook his hand, and stared. While he and Sarah had become accustomed to the change in his gait, others weren't used to seeing him limp. He got several questions of whether or not he was okay from those who weren't in the mess hall the night before. Carson answered their questions with a smile and was a few minutes late for the day shift due to stopping to chat along the way.

Sarah was already in the infirmary, already working. She glanced up from organizing supplies recently arrived on the _Daedalus_ and gave him that mischievous smile that cut straight through all of his reservations and went directly to the male side of him. She returned to her work after meeting his eyes, but he continued smirking until he turned to greet Jennifer. Then, armed with a laptop and three months' worth of reports, he disappeared into the med lab for the majority of the day.

The door opening some time later pulled him out of detailed lab reports on an energy entity that fed on people's fears and actually killed Dr. Heightmeyer. Carson was saddened by Kate's death, having worked closely with her to ensure the complete health of the expedition. But they weren't close friends. In truth, Kate had always kept herself closed to others, and he wondered if he could have done anything to give her that added strength to survive that nightmare.

"Dr. Beckett?" Teyla's hesitant voice brought his head up.

"Oh, Teyla, come in." He pushed to his feet and wheeled an office chair over to where he was sitting. Minimizing the report, he met her eyes. "What can I do for ye?"

She rested a hand on her unborn child. "I wanted to explain. And to apologize."

He frowned. "Apologize for what?"

"For not informing you of my. . .situation." She smiled, but her eyes showed intense grief. "Many things happened shortly after your return to Earth, and I am still trying to cope with the changes in my life."

"Aye," he agreed. "I understand completely."

"I believe you do." She let her smile widen. "I have seen how you treat Sarah MacKenzie."

_Caught!_ He grinned ruefully. "Aye, some things do change."

"There is no need to feel embarrassed, Carson." Teyla's smile faded. "I am happy that you and she have discovered one another. It is difficult to go through life without the support of your friends and family."

Carson truly looked at her, seeing the strain on her face. "Teyla, love, what is it?"

Her eyes dropped, and she blinked suddenly. "I did not realize this would be so difficult." She fidgeted for a moment and then let out a deep breath. "We lost a lot of good people in recent months. And, while you survived, we lost you for a time. I could not risk your recovery by causing you to worry about me."

He reached out and took her hand, forcing her to meet his eyes. "Teyla, circumstances in my personal life may have changed, but I'm still the same Carson Beckett. Maybe a bit older, a wee bit wiser, but still your friend."

"I know." She shifted in her chair, indicating that her child had kicked suddenly. "I am sure you are wondering about my child and his father."

He nodded. "Aye, the thought crossed my mind."

"The truth, Carson, is that I do not know where my son's father is." She pulled her hand from his to rub at her ribs, and he got the distinct impression she was trying to move a tiny foot from that location. "About a month after you returned to Earth, Dr. Keller and I went to visit my people on New Athos. It was the Tendol Feast, the time of year my people celebrate harvest and the coming of winter. When we arrived, my people were. . . .gone."

Carson blinked. "Gone where?"

"I do not know." She drew in a deep breath and let it out. "We were not expected back here until the next morning, and there was a group of Bola Kai on the planet. They are. . .fiends, but they are not friends with the Wraith. At first, we thought the Bola Kai had captured my people, but we were wrong. Dr. Keller saved my life that day, and she later told me that I was with child. Kanaan—the father of my son—has not been seen since. And I knew that, if I told you, you would want to return quicker than you should have."

Carson listened closely, seeing the turmoil on her face. Had there been progress with the investigation into her people's disappearance, she would have told him. Teyla was not the type to build tension for the sake of it. That was McKay's department. Seeing her struggle to tell him the story explained why she still hesitated to speak of her child's father. And it explained why Jennifer wanted to hand everything over to him. Out of the two women, Jennifer was the one caught off guard by the Pegasus galaxy's drive for survival.

"Teyla, love, I am so very sorry." He reached for her hands again, and she allowed him to hold them. "I wish I could ha'e been here for ye."

She smiled into his eyes. "You were where you needed to be, Carson. And Sarah needed you at that time, as well. I do not know her well, but I have heard of her mother's passing. I had my family on Atlantis to help me through this."

They stared at one another, their friendship not diminished by the length of time they'd spent apart. Carson could see the anger, the hurt, and the confusion in her gaze and searched for a way to console her. "We _will_ find them, love. I know we will."

She smiled. "I know." Her voice lowered. "I must admit to struggling with Colonel Sheppard's decision to remove me from the team's missions, but I also understand. About a week ago—just after the defeat of the Replicators—we found an abandoned Hive. Colonel Sheppard asked me to fly it for them, but Rodney discovered a secret Wraith facility. Instead of bringing the ship here, we flew to the cloning facility. During that mission, I connected with the mind of a Wraith queen." She hesitated for another moment, struggling with her emotions.

Carson dipped his head slightly. "Teyla?"

"She nearly killed my child!" Even a week later, the weight of what had happened settled over her shoulders, and she wrapped her arms around her midsection as she met his eyes. "Just one thought, Carson, and she could have destroyed him."

"But she didn't."

"No." Teyla managed to gain control over her emotions—emotions that he knew were influenced by the hormones in her system due to her pregnancy. "And now I understand why I must stay behind. But I also must find my people. So you see why I cannot just discuss what has happened?"

"Aye, that I do." He waited, knowing she would continue the conversation in her time.

"I am sorry to burden you with this on your first day back."

"Don't be." He smiled. "I'm happy to listen. And to help any way I can."

Teyla gave him a watery smile. "I know that Jennifer has been my doctor, and she knows the details of what has happened thus far. But would you. . . ." She showed a bit of uncharacteristic uncertainty. "I would be honored if you would be there. When he is born."

Carson's smile widened. "I would be thrilled to, love."

She nodded and, having said her piece, rose to leave the room. At the door, she turned back. "Welcome home, Carson."

"Thank ye." He sat still until she left and then returned to reading reports. But his mind was no longer as focused as it should have been. Instead, he kept hearing Teyla's outpouring of emotion and realized that, with Kate gone, she had no one with whom to share her innermost feelings. Sensing that she'd need to talk to him as the time for her delivery got closer, he determined to be there for her when necessary.

That evening, after a long day, he and Sarah met for dinner. They didn't say much, choosing instead to enjoy the salt-scented breeze on the mess hall patio. Colonel Sheppard, Rodney, Ronon, and Teyla eventually joined them, including Sarah into their little family. But, for the first thirty minutes, Carson simply watched Sarah as she absorbed the changes in their relationship and lives, thinking about Teyla's grief over losing Kanaan—even if temporarily—and wondering if he would survive should the unthinkable happen to Sarah.

~TBC


	22. Chapter 22

"Carson, are you _sure_ you're okay?" Rodney's question surprised him, and he turned to watch the physicist push off of the infirmary bed. "I mean, you're limping an awful lot."

"Aye," Carson said without a hint of irritation. "An' I'm told that's quite common for a man who lost a portion of his leg muscle to shrapnel."

Rodney's face fell. "Right. Of course."

Carson set aside the stethoscope he'd been holding and moved to stand beside his best friend. Out of all the people on Atlantis, he and McKay had bonded in those first few months in Pegasus, and that friendship had carried them through thick and thin. Now, however, the guilt Rodney carried could only be assuaged with time. And repeated assurances that it wasn't his fault. Carson knew that Rodney would likely never believe it, but he wanted his friend to know that he didn't hold him responsible. "Rodney, listen to me. It's _not_ your fault."

Rodney shook his head. "You know, you can tell me that until you're blue in the face, Carson. It doesn't change the fact that _I'm _the one who canceled our fishing trip. Because of that, you were in the infirmary."

"Aye, an' if I wasn't here, someone else would ha'e been injured. Possibly even killed."

"But it wouldn't have been _you_."

Carson frowned. "I'm no more important than the next person."

"Yes, but that's the point, Carson." Rodney chuckled mirthlessly. "You put yourself out there so often that you never think about how important you really are."

Carson scoffed at that and returned to straightening supplies on the tray.

After a few moments of silence, Rodney moved to his side. "How are you? Really?"

Carson stopped and truly thought about that question. "I'm fine, Rodney. Really." He smiled at his friend. "I enjoyed my time back on Earth, an' I've been thrilled to return to Atlantis. It's really quite remarkable how much like home this city feels."

"Yeah, but your leg. . . ."

"I'll have this leg until the day I die," Carson said. "An' given the alternative, I'm more than willin' ta deal with a permanent limp and the occasional use of a cane."

"A. . .cane?" McKay's face blanched. "Carson, why didn't you say anything?"

"Because it wouldnae ha'e done any good." Carson put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I'm happy with my life, Rodney. An' there's no reason for ye ta think anythin' you could have done would have changed anything. The important thing is that I'm back, an' I'm well."

Rodney stared at him for a few more moments, and Carson ignored the scrutiny. McKay was a scientist, and he thought analytically. Carson, however, usually thought about his friends with his heart. He made emotional decisions in friendships, which tended to get him into trouble every now and then. But his friendship with Rodney McKay was one he never wanted to lose.

Finally, Rodney shifted on his feet. "So, uh, what's this I'm hearing about you and a nurse?"

Carson felt the heat begin under his collar but was grateful it didn't spread anywhere else. He didn't want Rodney thinking he was embarrassed by his relationship with Sarah. Quite the opposite. He was more than happy to give Atlantis's grapevine something to discuss in their free time, so long as the discussion didn't turn ugly or vindictive. He rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure what I have with her, yet, so I'd thank ye ta keep that quiet."

"Keep it quiet?" Rodney grinned. "Carson, half of Atlantis saw you holding her hand and sitting with her the other night. There's nothing quiet about it."

Carson glanced up and met his friend's eyes. "Aye, you're right." He let out a deep breath. "I've only been back here for a week, an' we've not discussed it. So I cannae say that we have anythin' more than a relationship."

"But you want it." McKay chose _now_, of all times, to have one of his brilliant insights into human nature. "Come on, Carson, I know you well enough to know when you've fallen for someone. I saw how you were with Perna and how you were with Cadman. Totally different."

"Aye, an' that might ha'e had somethin' ta do with how Cadman an' I shared our first kiss!"

"Oh!" Rodney groaned. "You _really_ need to stop bringing that up."

Carson put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Trust me, Rodney. When somethin' major changes between Sarah an' myself, ye'll be one o' the first ta know."

"Good, good." McKay glanced around, seeming reluctant to leave. "So, how was Scotland?"

Carson pushed himself up onto the bed McKay had been sitting on just a few moments ago. Sheppard and Rodney had just returned from a mission to escort a young queen on a rite of passage or some such thing. Rodney had seemed incredibly pleased with himself right up until Carson approached to do their post-mission physical. In the last week, Carson had caught up on reports, started involving himself in research, and taken over portions of the day to give Jennifer some time to herself. It was all part of the process of easing back into life as the Chief of Medicine.

Now, however, he decided to take a bit of time with his friend. "Och, Scotland was beautiful." Carson allowed his mind to travel over the time with his family, the trip to Eilean Donan and Kishorn, and Sarah's reactions to it all. "Though I didn't see as much as I would have liked."

"Get any fishing done?"

"Aye." Carson grinned. "Just before Sarah came back here, I took her to Loch Kishorn. It's in the western Highlands. We fished for the entire morning before we realized we needed ta head back."

Rodney blinked. "She fished _with_ you?"

"Aye." Carson's grin widened. "She's better than most, but she's also a Marine Biologist."

Rodney glanced around and caught sight of Sarah and Marie working together. He pointed. "Her?"

"Aye." Carson chuckled. "Though, if ye wanted ta go fishin' with me, all ye need ta do is ask. I'll arrange a day."

Rodney met his eyes. "I won't back out of this one, Carson. I promise."

"I know." Carson pushed off the hospital bed and met his friend's eyes. "Let me know when you want ta go."

Rodney left the infirmary without saying another word, and Carson returned to his work in a thoughtful mood. He had faced the reaction of his family back on Earth, and now he needed to help his friends get through the emotions of what had happened to him. He knew that Amanda carried a huge weight. It had been her migraine that prevented her from being the doctor on call that day. Rodney had backed out of fishing. And every single one of his friends had other activities planned. All of them, in their own ways, worked to get over the guilt of seeing him limp around the city. And he decided to help them as time permitted.

Starting with Rodney. Carson moved to a computer and checked the calendar, looking for a free day that he could fly to the mainland and just spend the time with McKay. The two men would likely snap at one another for hours, trading barbs and in general annoying the daylights out of one another. But it would be worth it in the end.

After he'd "penciled in" the time on his calendar, he glanced up to see Sarah sitting alone at a computer. This week had been tough for him, primarily because he'd gotten into the habit of holding her hand or putting his arm around her waist whenever they were together. In the infirmary, both of them worked to retain a professional distance, and it wore on them. Now, he walked over to her side and shoved his hands in his lab coat pockets to keep from touching her. "Sarah."

She turned to him with a smirk. "Carson." The sparkle faded in her blue eyes. "How's Dr. McKay coping?"

He let out a deep breath. "Oh, he's fine. I'll find the time to take him fishing and hopefully put all of this behind us."

She turned on the stool, facing him. "They're all going to need it."

"I know." He pulled the stool that Marie had been using closer to her and sat down. "They all have questions, love. About us. An' I'd kind of like answers for them."

"Me, too." Sarah met his eyes. "I've been meaning to talk to you about it, but our evenings have been a little dominated."

"Aye, an' I'm sorry about that." He rubbed his eyes, thinking about the truth in her words. They hadn't had a quiet evening to themselves since his return. Someone usually found them and asked if they could talk to Carson about one thing or another. Sarah had coped admirably, but he saw the strain. "What about dinner tonight? Just the two of us? I know a lovely balcony that's some distance from the mess hall, an' we can watch the stars and just talk."

A smile spread across her face. "That sounds wonderful, Carson."

He stood and covered her hand with his. "I'll see you at seven, then."

Walking away, Carson grinned. It was good to be home, but it was time to put his priorities in place. And Sarah had become one the moment she agreed to travel with him to Scotland. Over the last weeks, she'd climbed on that priority list to one of the top spots. He looked forward to seeing if she'd allow him to make her the top priority in his life.

oOo

That evening, Sarah paced her quarters as she waited for Carson. When she'd mentioned his friends dominating their evenings, she hadn't intended to imply that he wasn't making time for her. She liked the acceptance she found with Sheppard and his team and didn't want to do anything to hinder that. However, Carson had picked up on the slight wistfulness in her tone that indicated she wanted some time with just him. And he'd planned a dinner. Knowing him as she did, it meant he'd likely outdone himself and made it as close to a romantic get-away as he could plan on short notice.

He appeared at her door before she could build any more nerves. Dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt, he smiled at her and stepped inside for a kiss. Like the ones they'd shared every day, it didn't get out of control, but it also left her wondering exactly how amazing it would be when he finally released that control. Then, after leaving her barely able to breathe—let alone carry on a coherent conversation—he took her hand and led her to this balcony he'd mentioned earlier.

He wasn't kidding about the view! Sarah stepped through the door, and her eyes immediately went to the sky. The planet's two visible moons were on the other side of Atlantis, low in the sky, leaving the stars to shine as brightly as possible. The clusters were unfamiliar to her, and she spent the next few moments just staring. Carson's arms went around her waist, and he pulled her to him, holding her without demanding anything. She continued to stargaze but took a few moments to enjoy how cherished it made her feel.

When the surprise of the panorama had worn off, Sarah turned in Carson's arms and caught sight of the table he'd set up. The balcony sported a stone bench with no back, but he'd found a small table to squeeze into one corner. Two chairs sat on either side and, though it wasn't covered in fine linen, it bore a candle in the center. The simple effort of arranging everything spoke volumes to Sarah, and she decided she could pretend they were at a five-star restaurant complete with linen, silverware, and a live orchestra. In fact, Carson had thought about that and reached to start the CD player he'd hidden away in a corner.

Sarah grinned. "Wow! You thought of everything, didn't you?"

"I tried," he replied with a grin. With his arm still firmly around her waist, he walked with her to the table, held her chair for her, and served their meal with that same grin in place. He'd even positioned the table so that they could look out over the ocean without turning their backs to one another. The simplicity of it made it seem even more special, as well as the fact that he'd only had two hours at most to get it all arranged.

Finally, he produced dessert: pudding cups and an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. It was all I could arrange on short notice."

"I'm not worried, Carson." Sarah grinned and shrugged. "Just the evening was enough for me."

"Aye." He moved his chair so that he sat next to her and slipped his arm around her shoulders. "An' I'm sorry it took a week for me to even think about it."

She'd instinctively leaned into his side, but she now straightened to look him in the eye. "I truly don't mind." She shook her head. "Until going to Scotland, I didn't know what it was like to have a family that cared for me no matter what. I have your mum to thank for that. And I'm thrilled to find the same kind of friendships here on Atlantis. I just. . . ." She drew in a deep breath and let it out.

"You what?"

"I wish I knew what we have." She took a moment to gather her thoughts, trying to put things into words. "Back in Scotland, when we went to Eilean Donan and Loch Kishorn, it was really special to me. It showed me what we could have if we wanted it. And I'm not talking physically, though that is a definite plus." Her face heated when he gave her an embarrassed grin. "But it was just you and me. I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you all of this, but I had to get it straight in my own head. My experience with men isn't the best, and I know that influences a lot of what I do. But I want us. I want to know if you can be my best friend as well as. . . ." She shrugged. "Well. . .more."

All through her monologue, Carson's eyes never left her face. His fingers idly rubbed her shoulder, distracting her now that she'd gotten everything out that needed to be said. Well, almost everything. The reality that she probably loved him already could wait for another day.

Now, he nodded and glanced at her hands. Sarah was surprised when he used his free hand to capture both of them in a sure, strong grip. "Sarah. I meant what I wrote in that email." His quiet voice was gentle, almost a whisper. Her pulse rose in direct proportion with how long he continued to talk directly into her ear while staring at her with those amazing eyes. "I'm fallin' in love with ye, an' I'm not sure I can turn back. I know we haven't spent a lot of time together, an' that's what I want. That's why I stopped when things got too physical last week. I want to show ye that not all men are like your father. That what ye've experienced in life isnae all there is."

"And I appreciate that."

"I know ye do." He smiled at her. "So, what do ye say to dinner at least once a week? Just the two of us. We'll do other things, of course, an' we'll spend time with friends. See what builds."

Sarah blinked, suddenly overcome with emotion as she tried to wrap her brain around what he'd just offered. Embarrassed by the tears that tried to escape, she glanced down quickly. Carson let go of her hands and nudged her chin up. "Don't ever be afraid ta show me what ye feel, love," he said when she met his eyes. "I may not always understand, but I'll try."

She nodded. "Thank you."

"Och, you're welcome." He pulled her to him, and Sarah laid her head on his shoulder. Happier than she'd ever been, she allowed a few tears to escape and stared over the ocean. She couldn't say what she'd done to deserve a man like Carson, but she determined to be as real with him as he'd been with her. In that moment, she decided that she didn't just want a relationship. She wanted forever.

~TBC


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's****Note:** I realized after I wrote this that I got the two episodes out of order. In canon, "Outcast" comes before "Trio." But, since this entire story is AU, I figured it wouldn't matter too much if the order was reversed. Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

"On three." Carson checked to make certain that every member of his team had a good grip on the backboard to which they'd just strapped Colonel Carter. "One, two, three, up." He ground his teeth together as they lifted in unison. Carter wasn't all that heavy, but the action stretched Carson's leg muscles in an unfamiliar way. Rather than showing that he'd felt it, he simply walked with Carter as the rest of his team carried her to the Jumper. "Don't you worry, dear. We'll get ye fixed up in no time."

Carter nodded slowly, the morphine Carson had given her taking effect. He put a hand on her shoulder, his mind taking him back to that moment right after the first explosion, when he'd discovered Teyla with a piece of shrapnel in her abdomen. The infirmary had filled that day with various injuries, but he'd taken the time to tell Teyla he'd be able to get the shrapnel out "easy-peasy." Thinking about that moment now was a bit disconcerting in light of the events that followed.

He wasn't even supposed to be here today. Since the events of that Sunday, Carter had begun instituting weekly days off for each person on the base. Of course, that all depended on whether the Pegasus galaxy cooperated or not, but the majority of work done now seemed much more productive in light of the time to relax. Carson had intended to get completely caught up on the reports he'd started reading and to plan a nice evening with Sarah. Last week, when they'd discussed their relationship, had been wonderful. But he wanted each week to be special in its own right. Tonight, he'd planned a Jumper ride to the mainland in time to watch the sunset. It was something totally out of the ordinary for life on Atlantis, but he suspected Sarah would appreciate it.

Then, he'd gone to the infirmary to return reports. Amanda Cole had greeted him quietly, and he'd seen right through the front she put up. She was suffering from a severe migraine—the first she'd had since that fateful Sunday. Carson had tried to convince her to leave, but she'd become agitated, saying that the last time she'd left, things hadn't gone so well. He finally convinced her to take some medication and allow him to work in the infirmary in her place, leaving her to rest on one of the hospital beds. She'd drifted to sleep within moments, and he'd lowered the lights in her area so she could wake when her body had recovered. Then, he'd emailed Sarah and explained the situation. Sarah had understood and assured him that they'd have other evenings.

When the call for a medical team to head off world came in a short time later, Carson hesitated for a fraction of a second. He hadn't been off world in the two weeks since his return, and the thought of traveling through rough terrain concerned him for his own health. But Carter was injured, according to Sheppard, and Jennifer had called for back-up. Carson went into action and wound up calling Sarah into the infirmary to cover for Marie, who went with him as part of his team.

Now, on the way back to Atlantis, he moved carefully from one end of the Jumper to the other. Sheppard flew the small craft toward the gate, and Carson knew it would be just a few moments before they were on Atlantis. But he'd never been one to put off a person's medical treatment. Rodney had severe rope burns on his hands, as did Jennifer. But they were relatively unscathed. Carter showed signs of a minor concussion along with her broken leg. Jennifer had done incredibly well in the situation, setting the break and rigging up a splint. When they arrived back on Atlantis, Carson would put the colonel under a scanner and cast the leg properly.

Two hours later, all injuries treated, Carson headed for Rodney McKay's corner of the infirmary. Amanda still slept, and Sarah had settled in for the evening. He figured he could get McKay to join him for a drink and tell him about what happened back on the planet.

Jennifer's voice stopped his forward momentum. "Yeah, well, eventually _chimps_ would have figured it out. But the thing is, _you_ didn't, so I win, and you owe me a beer."

Carson blinked. Why would McKay owe Jennifer a beer?

"I don't remember ever agreeing to the beer!" McKay protested.

"McKay."

"What?"

"Do you want to have a drink with me or not?" Jennifer's blunt tone caused a moment of silence, and Carson could just imagine the physicist's shocked expression.

"What? You wanna have a drink?" Rodney's voice confirmed Carson's suspicions about how he'd looked.

Jennifer's amused voice chimed back into the conversation. "You're not very good at this, are you?"

"Uh, no." Rodney still sounded stunned. "No, I'm not."

Jennifer laughed at that. "C'mon."

Carson turned on his heel and walked away before either of them caught him eavesdropping. He'd just reached a table with a computer when they headed out of the infirmary, McKay still holding his bandaged hands out in front of him as if he might accidentally injure them again. Carson watched, an amused grin on his face as he shook his head. He'd always liked Jennifer, but he'd never seen her as the type to be interested in McKay. Then, again, he'd never thought he'd fall for a nurse under his command.

"You're looking incredibly self-satisfied." That particular nurse stopped next to him, leaning her elbow on the waist-high table.

Carson turned, his grin changing to a thoughtful expression as he met Sarah's eyes. "Aye." He glanced around the infirmary. "How are you, love?"

"I'm fine." Sarah straightened. "Colonel Carter and Dr. Cole are both resting peacefully. I was thinking about grabbing a late dinner. Would you care to join me?"

Carson didn't have to think too hard on that one. "I'd love to. Just let me check in with Marie for a moment."

Sarah nodded. "I'll meet you on our balcony?"

Carson agreed and watched her leave. She'd dubbed the tiny balcony they'd shared their first dinner on as "theirs," and he liked the idea that they had an out-of-the-way place to go for a few moments alone. This evening was nothing like what he'd planned, but such was life. He was happy to have his friends close and the woman he loved even closer.

Less than ten minutes later, Carson found Sarah on _their_ balcony and gathered her close for a kiss and a few moments to themselves. He'd have to return to the infirmary after this, but he decided to ignore all of that for a time to simply enjoy his time with Sarah.

oOo

"Carson." Jennifer's soft voice pulled him out of the paperwork he'd been reading. He glanced up to see her standing next to him with a hesitant expression on her face. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

He followed her into her office, his eyes trying to assess what was wrong. Her hands were still wrapped from yesterday's adventures, and he knew the bandages would need to be changed within a few hours. But he'd asked her to take the day to rest and recover from being trapped in a Genii mine, so seeing her in the infirmary concerned him ever so slightly. "Jennifer, what is it?"

She settled into the couch he'd placed there years ago after the Siege rather than behind the desk. "I wanted to talk to you about the Chief of Medicine position."

Carson joined her on the couch, perching on the edge. "You're doin' a lovely job, Jennifer."

"That's just it." She shook her head and met his eyes. "I'm not."

"According to everyone I speak with, yes, ye are!"

Her gaze skittered away from him, and she began to rub at the bandages on her hands, obviously nervous but determined to get the words out. "After you left, I started thinking." Her brown eyes focused on a spot near the door. "I made the wrong call with sending you back to Earth. I made the wrong call with Elizabeth. I didn't find the reason for the crystal entity in time to save Kate. And I _sure_ wasn't ready for New Athos." She turned back to him. "I'm not meant to be Chief of Medicine here. _You _are. Yesterday was a prime example of that."

Carson reached out and stilled the nervous fidgeting she'd been doing, concerned that she'd further irritate the rope burns on her hands. "You're doin' a fine job, love. We've all made wrong calls, an' we've all got things we regret."

"That's just it." Jennifer pulled away from his grip and stood to walk across the room. "I never wanted to be Chief of Medicine, Carson. I just wanted to be a doctor." She ran a hand through her hair, and he waited, knowing she had more to say. "I can't constantly second-guess my decisions. In life or death situations, I have to know what I'm doing and why. And I don't."

"You're not givin' yourself enough credit."

"Neither are you." She whirled to face him. "This is _your_ office, Carson. I always knew that. Once we knew you'd survive, I always figured you'd take back over the infirmary. And I'd like for you to do that now."

"Jennifer, I didn't return to Atlantis to take your job away from you."

She actually grinned at that. "I think we _all_ know the main reason you returned, Carson. But that's beside the point. This is your place, and the people here need you to fill it. I spoke with Colonel Carter about this just before yesterday's mission, and she agreed that it's time. I just wanted you to be prepared."

Carson stood and moved to stand in front of her. "Jennifer, you're more than qualified to keep this position. No matter if ye think otherwise." He put his hands on her shoulders. "But if you're determined ta step down, then I won't try ta stop ye. It's not about what I want right now. This is a decision you need to make for _you_."

She nodded. "I want this, Carson."

He stared into her eyes, seeing the conflict still swirling through them. That conflict settled a bit as she let out a deep breath. He finally agreed with a nod. "Alright. Give me a day or two ta fill out paperwork."

"It's already done." Jennifer grinned at his surprised look. "I was serious when I told you I was only filling in for you. This was never my position, Carson. And Carter signed the paperwork before the trip, so, as soon as you sign and file it, you're in charge of the infirmary again."

Carson watched as she moved reports across the desk to come up with a tablet. Atlantis rarely did anything with actual paper any longer, choosing virtual forms while still requiring a signature. He accepted the stylus and added his John Hancock to the form, knowing that he'd not talk Jennifer out of it. As he submitted the entire form, she let out a deep breath as the responsibility no longer rested on her shoulders.

Carson, however, still felt awful. He'd returned because he had a contract, not to take her job. Still, he wasn't above using a bit of that authority for some good. "Now. As Chief of Medicine, I'm tellin' my second-in-command ta take the rest of the day. An' tomorrow. We need ye in top condition, love." He met Jennifer's eyes. "Get some rest."

"Thank you, Carson." She smiled. "I will."

Carson watched as she left the office and dropped back into the couch to let the events of the past few moments settle into his mind. As Chief of Medicine, he'd be required to travel off world a lot more, as well as being on call on a regular basis. He and Sarah had briefly discussed this transition last night, more in passing than anything, and he knew it would change their relationship as well.

Deciding to think about it later, Carson pushed out of the couch and went to release Carter to her quarters and light duty until her leg healed. Amanda had awakened that morning, refreshed and embarrassed over having slept the night away in the infirmary. She'd hugged Carson tightly, though, and left before he could do much more than tell her to take the day to herself. Now, with the infirmary quiet, he snagged Sarah's elbow on her way past. "Our balcony. An hour."

She nodded her understanding, and he allowed her to go about her work.

oOo

An hour later, Sarah stepped onto the balcony where she and Carson had eaten twice. His terse request for them to meet over their lunch break concerned her, as did the way he'd watched Jennifer leave the infirmary that morning. Now, she blinked when he reached for her and pulled her into his arms. Sighing in relief that nothing was terribly wrong, she draped her arms around his neck and returned the kiss he'd just initiated. There was a playfulness about being "ambushed," and having that happen during a lunch break only intensified the feelings. They'd been careful about the physical side of their relationship in the last two weeks, and Sarah now realized that waiting would be one of the most difficult things they had faced to date. Not that she believed Carson ready to cross those lines. She'd seen the turmoil on his face that morning and knew this was nothing more than a reassurance that their relationship wouldn't change based on whatever had happened.

By the time he pulled back for air, she was ready to ignore the bright daylight, the fact that they both needed to return to the infirmary, and the risk of someone stumbling across them. In fact, she would have gladly dragged him back to her quarters right then. But he rested his forehead on hers as he caught his breath, telling her that he needed closeness right now, not physical intimacy. That toned down the raging heat inside her, and she smiled. "Not that I'm complaining or anything, but what happened?"

He gave her a rueful grin and shifted his arms so that he held her comfortably close. "I'm sorry about that, love."

Sarah chuckled. "I'm not."

His grin widened, but he didn't make a move to kiss her again. "I needed ta talk with ye about my meetin' with Jennifer this morning."

"I saw that she seemed a bit hurried to leave after that." Sarah fiddled with his collar and realized he still wore his lab coat. It spoke of his rush to leave the infirmary and come see her, which made her anticipation build a little bit more. "What happened?"

Carson released her suddenly and moved to the balcony railing. Sarah knew him well enough to know that he'd not become upset with her. He likely needed space and time to frame his reply. She'd seen this back in Scotland whenever something came up that reminded him of Elizabeth or when his sister had created such a stir at a family gathering. The trick with Carson was waiting patiently until he was ready to speak. Moving to the railing, Sarah stood next to him, close enough that she felt the warmth emanating from him but still not touching him.

He finally sighed and glanced at her. "Jennifer stepped down as Chief of Medicine this morning."

Sarah nodded slowly. "And she asked you to take over again?"

"Aye." His eyes roamed the horizon. "I never returned ta take that place from her. An' she's done a wonderful job in her time here."

Sarah reached over and took his hand. "Carson, you knew she'd do this. Deep down, even if you hoped she wouldn't, you knew this would happen."

He glanced at her, the spark of irritation in his eyes dying a quick death as he sorted through his thoughts. "Aye," he said again, lacing their fingers together. "An' I suppose I should be grateful she was able to handle things this long."

Sarah took a moment to try to consider the situation from his point of view. "How did you feel during your first year here? You were Chief of Medicine back then. Did you ever once think you could handle the job?"

"Och, no!" He chuckled. "Back then, I wanted nothin' more than ta. . . ." Realization dawned on his face. "I wanted ta just be a doctor."

"Only you didn't have the option, and you grew into your position." Sarah shrugged. "Jennifer grew into the position, but she never saw it as _hers_."

He smiled at her and looked down at their laced hands. "This will change things with us, love."

"No, it won't." Sarah met his eyes. "I have no doubt that we'll be able to keep things appropriate while on duty. And, when we do come to the point that we decide together that what we have isn't enough, I've already spoken with Colonel Carter about transferring to Marine Biology."

He blinked. "Ye did?"

"Yes." She grinned. "And she told me to involve you in the decision. Wise advice, I must admit."

"Aye, that it is," he agreed. They fell silent for a time, each one enjoying the closeness between them. The passion of a few moments ago had faded, leaving something deeper in its place. Finally, Carson stirred. "So, you're lookin' forward to Marine Biology?"

Sarah snorted. "I didn't get my Ph.D. in it just for grins." When he stilled suddenly, staring in shock at her, she frowned. "What?"

"You told me you had a 'degree' in Marine Biology. Not a Ph.D!"

Sarah turned back to the horizon. "And I'm sorry for that." She shook her head. "Carson, it took me coming back here, realizing what I had with you while we were in Scotland, for me to see exactly how _stupid_ I was back then. And I'm sorry I kept you at a distance for so long."

He tugged on her hand until she leaned into him and claimed her lips for a quick kiss. "Dr. MacKenzie, is it, then?" he asked softly a few moments later.

Sarah smiled up into his eyes, wondering if she'd ever learn to breathe when he looked at her like that. Probably not. "Aye, that it is," she said, deliberately allowing herself to imitate his accent.

Carson simply laughed and held her close until her stomach rumbled and reminded them that they only had ten minutes left on their lunch break.

~TBC


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note:** Hey, everyone! So sorry this is late today. I had some RL things happen around the same time I typically write, so I'm a bit behind. But here's today's chapter. And, if anyone is interested, I've updated my novel info on NaNoWriMo (dot) org. Look for me under the same penname, ladygris, and you'll find a new summary of that story and a new snippet posted there. :) As always, hope you enjoy this chapter! ~lg

oOo

Carson found Sarah on the same balcony where they'd shared dinner a few weeks before. They'd returned several times, most notably to share some very heated kisses during their lunch breaks. Tonight, Sarah sat on the stone bench and stared at the stars, thinking.

So much had happened in recent weeks. First, Colonel Sheppard's father had passed suddenly, and she'd felt helpless as he headed back to Earth for the memorial. She now understood what those last few weeks with her mother meant. Watching Sheppard return, angry that his time with his family had been interrupted by Replicators and grieving for a man he barely knew, made Sarah happy she'd taken the time to confront her father and to reunite with her brother. The only reason she knew was because Carson had confided in her, and she'd been careful to keep the information to herself.

And Carson had taken a day to fly Rodney to the mainland. Sarah had overheard them fussing back and forth in Carson's office the morning of their departure and shared a laugh with Marie. She enjoyed fishing—more than Rodney did—but she hadn't done more than ask Carson to be safe. Rodney needed the fishing trip as a way to overcome his guilt at canceling on Carson the first time. And Carson was happy to oblige if only to indulge his favorite pastime and help his friend get better.

Now, Colonel Sheppard and Rodney McKay were missing. When Atlantis lost contact with the Midway Space Station, Carson had worried continuously. He still worried, if she were honest. She saw it during the evenings, in the way he tended to stare into space at odd times, and how he spoke about them. Atlantis had not heard from Sheppard or McKay for nearly two weeks. No one said it, but everyone thought it: they were lost to Atlantis.

"Och, there ye are!" Carson's heavy accent pulled her from her thoughts, and she turned on the bench to smile at him. He often spoke with a much heavier accent when around her, a hold-over from their time in Scotland.

Sarah straightened. "Hey, there."

He walked over and sat down on the bench beside her, propping his hands behind him so that his right arm and her left arm crisscrossed. "Woolgatherin'?"

"And staring at the stars." She smiled. "You?"

"Lookin' for ye." He returned the grin. "We just made contact with Earth. The _Daedalus_ found Colonel Sheppard and the rest of the crew. They're safe and will be home within ten days."

Sarah grinned suddenly. "Carson, that's great news!"

"Aye," he agreed. Turning to the stars, he shook his head. "I know I worried ye, an' I'm sorry."

She studied him, seeing the lines on his face and the smile that now touched his lips. He'd lost years in the last few moments. "Don't be sorry, Carson. I'm glad you trusted me enough to show me how worried you were."

He glanced at her, his gaze suddenly captivated by how intensely she watched him. Sarah couldn't help but smile into eyes that overwhelmed her every time they turned her direction, and she suddenly _knew_. She loved this man. Not just in a shallow, wanting-everything-she-could-get-from-him kind of way. But she truly, deeply loved him—enough to sacrifice everything for him. Enough that she'd gladly set aside her own misgivings about relationships and even marriage for him. Enough that she'd depend on him when the time arose and trust him with everything about her.

As if reading her thoughts, Carson's smile turned intimate. He leaned forward, brushing his lips over hers. Sarah enjoyed the lingering kiss, knowing he'd take the lead in this moment when he was good and ready. And he did, turning his head to deepen the kiss and lean closer to her. For a long time, the balcony was silent as they shared the moment. For Sarah, it was even greater because of her realization. She wasn't certain when she would tell him, but she'd make sure he knew before the night was out.

When he pulled back, she struggled with the heat that the kiss had started. "Carson," she whispered.

"Aye?" He kissed her again before she could answer, sliding one hand along her jaw and pulling her face even closer to his. When he trailed hot kisses down her jawline, she gasped and bit her lip to keep from making too loud of a sound. The night air echoed, and who knew who was on the balcony above or below them.

"Carson," she whispered into his ear. When he pulled back slightly to look at her, she shook her head. "I'm tired of waiting."

Her words had an impact on him, and she saw the fire lit in his eyes. He blinked several times, and then he withdrew. Sarah frowned, unsure of what she'd done to warrant that reaction. "Carson?"

He shook his head. "Don't get me wrong, love." He touched her face softly. "I'd love nothin' more than ta take ye up on your offer. But I have ta ask some questions."

"Okay." Sarah tried to quell the panic rising in her stomach. What questions would he need answered? She'd just offered him everything she had, and he wanted answers?

His voice was soft when he spoke again. "Are ye certain? I mean, this isnae a result of the relief of learnin' that Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay are alive an' well?"

Sarah smiled at that question, the panic melting away. "No, Carson. I've been thinking about it even before we lost contact with Midway. And I _know_ it's crossed your mind."

"Aye," he agreed sheepishly, almost as if irritated at himself for entertaining such ungentlemanly thoughts. "An' that brings me to my next question. Is this because o' Colonel Sheppard losin' his father? I know ye thought a lot about your mum, an' I want ye ta be certain that you're ready."

At that question, Sarah rose and walked over to the railing, taking the time to honestly think about the implications. That she wasn't instantly angry with him or hurt by his questions spoke volumes to her. Carson cared enough to make sure she didn't do something she'd regret, and she wanted to be truthful with him.

And the truth was that he shattered every one of her preconceived ideas of what a steady relationship meant. He'd slipped under her guard, always there, always watching, always making a way for her good. It was beyond anything she'd ever known from the men in her life—save BC—and it impacted how she saw him.

Turning to face him, she leaned on the railing. "Carson, back when I was in university the first time, I had a major falling-out with my father." She watched his face still as he leaned forward to brace his elbows on his knees. That simple action told her of his progress in the last few months. When she'd left Scotland, that motion would have been painful. Now, he seemed perfectly comfortable. She dragged her mind back to the matter at hand. "My father never approved of me. When I was sixteen, I took my first drag of marijuana. At that time, it wasn't touted as a possible medicinal plant. I had been drinking for a few months, and I'd been sneaking out and going to parties. I did everything in my power to prove my father right: that I was a failure.

"Then, I went off to university and went into Marine Biology." She shrugged. "I did it to get away from him and have an exciting career traveling the world. Halfway through my freshman year, my father nearly disowned me. Only Mother kept him from doing so. But he told me not to come home until I was ready to tow the family line. That night, I went to a good friend of mine named Nicholas. It was a lot like when you and I met up at the SGC after Mother's passing." She paused and shook her head. "When I finished crying, he kissed me. We slept together that night and almost every night for the rest of the week."

Carson's eyes had narrowed, but he listened with the same open expression on his face. Sarah drew in a deep breath and then let it out. "I got into his world. Drugs. Parties. Doing everything in my power to hang on to that special feeling I'd had when I thought he just wanted to comfort me and not to sleep with me. I did almost anything for him."

When she stopped speaking, he softly asked, "What changed?"

"I got pregnant." The blunt announcement made him blink. "I didn't know it at the time, and I went out partying with Nicholas and his friends. You have to understand that everything we did was about _him_. What _he_ wanted to do, how _he_ wanted to do it, when _he_ wanted to do it. Nothing we did was centered on me. That's why going to Eilean Donan with you was so special. I'd never had anyone do that for me before.

"That night, I started cramping. Badly. It got so bad that I drove myself to the hospital half-drunk because Nicholas wouldn't stop drinking. They told me I'd lost my baby." Though her eyes were dry, Sarah felt every word she said. This was not the night she'd planned, but she wanted Carson to understand her decision about him. "I didn't see Nicholas for a week. The next time we spoke, he was with my 'best friend' while we talked. I don't know what happened to them. I just know I threw everything into my studies and tried to ignore what had happened to me.

"It was one day a few years later—after I'd been working in the field for some time—that I met a nurse who helped me grieve and say goodbye to my baby. She didn't give me the 'It was for the best' line at all." Sarah smiled. "Her name was Christy, and _she's_ the reason I became a nurse. I wanted to be there for others like she'd been there for me."

Carson pushed to his feet and walked over to her, pulling her into his arms. "Thank ye for tellin' me."

Sarah put her hands on his chest. "I didn't tell you simply so you'd know, Carson. Though you needed to." She stared up into his eyes. "I told you so you would understand that my desire to take our relationship from where it's at to the next level doesn't come without some thought." She reached up and put her hand on the side of his face. "You do everything to make sure it's what _I _want. I love you, Carson, and I'm willing to see this last forever if that's what _you_ want."

His breath left him in a rush, and she felt how he struggled to breathe. She would have been concerned if not for the slow smile that spread across his face. "Ye have _no_ idea how I've wanted ta hear those words." Tightening his hold on her, he kissed her gently before saying, "I love ye, too, Sarah. I think I have since Kishorn, though I was well on my way long before that."

She blinked. "You were?"

"Aye." His smile widened. "There ha'e been very few other women in my life. One while I was in medical school, an' she wound up bein' verra different than I'd anticipated. And Perna. I knew the moment I saw her that I'd fall in love with her. Just like I did with ye. Only, with ye, I knew it wasnae a matter of the situation. I was in a hospital bed, trapped by my injuries an' unable ta even do anythin' for myself. Seein' you that day was. . . ." He shook his head and, rather than saying anything else, kissed her.

Sarah leaned into the kiss, savoring the closeness but wanting so much more. Carson pulled away before she was fully ready, however. He smiled into her eyes. "I think we need ta speak with Colonel Carter about your transfer in departments."

Sarah grinned. "Aye, I think ye might be right," she said, imitating his accent.

He laughed. "Keep workin' on it, love. I'll have ye talkin' like a true Scottish lass before much longer." He pulled her toward the door. "Let's go talk with the colonel."

Sarah blinked. "Now?"

He stopped. "Only if ye want."

She grinned. "I think I'll enjoy working in Marine Biology." She held his hand the entire way up to the control room, anticipating the glances and murmurs that invariably followed them. The recent conversation, completely different than the one she'd set out to have—or not have—with Carson, played through her head. She'd never told anyone else about her child, had never confided enough for anyone to know about Nicholas and what he'd done to her. Carson had built that level of trust by refusing to allow their relationship to turn more intimate than it should have. Now, though, a tiny shiver of anticipation took up residence in her stomach and wouldn't let go.

Carter sat on a couch, her casted leg still elevated in spite of Carson's softly whispered assurances that she'd be losing it within a few days. She glanced up at the pair and straightened, lowering the cast to the floor. "Dr. Beckett. Sarah. Come in."

Carson allowed Sarah to go ahead of him and then waited while Carter motioned them into chairs. Sarah sat nervously, partially afraid to tell Carter about the change in their relationship. She might have come to know Sam a bit better in recent weeks, but her desire to prove herself seemed to take over whenever confronted with authority. She knew she needed to work on that a bit and let out a deep breath. "Thank you, Sam."

Carter glanced between the two and grinned. "Is this about that transfer paperwork, Sarah?"

Carson and Sarah exchanged rueful glances, and then she nodded. "Yes. I think it's time."

Carson took her hand and met Carter's eyes, his face completely serious. "_We_ think it's time." He didn't look away from the expedition commander. "Ye knew when I returned that this was likely going ta happen."

"You're right." Carter's grin turned sad. "And I'm glad it did. Ethics aside, Carson, she's good for you."

"Aye," he agreed.

Carter pushed to her feet and limped over to her desk. "Sarah, I filled out the paperwork the day you came to see me. All that's needed is your signature, and your transfer's done. You'll report to Dr. Kleinfeld tomorrow morning." Her eyes went to Carson. "Assuming that's enough time for you to make the changes to the schedule in the infirmary."

"Och, aye, it is," Carson said quickly.

Sarah picked up the stylus for the tablet, her hand somewhat shaky. By signing this form, she was giving up her life's work as a nurse to return to Marine Biology. A quick glance at Carson told her it was worth everything and more, and she scrawled her signature along the bottom of the page.

Carter accepted the tablet and nodded once. "I'll forward this on to Dr. Kleinfeld. He'll likely want to sit down and speak with you tomorrow so that you can work out a place on his team. I've told him you might transfer, and he seems to have a place for you on his team."

"Really?"

"Yes." Carter looked from Carson back to her. "Was there anything else?"

"No!" Sarah realized she'd almost shouted at the colonel and flushed. "No. It's just a lot to take in."

Behind her, Carson pushed to his feet. She thanked Carter and turned to leave the office with him. The two were unaware of how Sam watched them go, her own face a picture of regret for time wasted. Carson and Sarah were an unlikely pair, but they fit well together. Since he'd returned, Carter had noticed Sarah's personality change. She was friendlier and happier. They made a great couple.

Carson walked Sarah to her quarters, stopping at the door as she opened them. She looked up into his eyes, feeling every bit of the emotion and weight of what they'd discussed and what she'd just done settle over her. As she'd thought a few moments ago, it was worth the sacrifice. "Would you like to come in?" The simple invitation held hints of promise.

Carson picked up on those hints. "Aye, I think I would." He followed Sarah through the door and waited while she closed it behind them. Then, he met her eyes. "Though, we're doin' this right. No rushin' tonight, love."

She grinned. "I think I can handle that."

With her agreement, he pulled her back into his arms and another kiss. This one rivaled that first kiss when he'd arrived back on Atlantis, only he didn't pull away. His hands roamed down her back, bringing her even closer to him as they explored the beginnings of their passion. Before long, Carson had unzipped her uniform jacket and eased it off of her shoulders, the cool air in her room making her bare arms tingle. He ghosted his fingers up her arms, settling his hands on her face to thoroughly kiss her and leave her weak-kneed with the promise of what this night would hold.

Sarah had just unzipped his jacket and was ready to remove it when she heard the earwig he still wore chirp. "Zelenka to Dr. Beckett."

Carson reluctantly broke their kiss with a groan. "Of all the bloody times!" he muttered breathlessly. Sarah buried her face in his chest, partially in frustration and partially to hide the laugh that bubbled at his adorable protest. He reached up and touched the radio. "This is Beckett."

"Dr. Beckett, I'm sorry to interrupt your evening, but there's been an accident in Dr. McKay's lab. Dr. Jerald has injured his leg badly, and you're the doctor on call." Zelenka's words changed the mood quickly. Carson stiffened ever so slightly, a sign that he'd already shifted mindsets.

"Right. I'll be right there. Beckett out." After clicking off the radio, he met Sarah's eyes. "I'm sorry, love. But he's right."

"Carson, I knew what I was getting into," she said. "Go. I'll be here when you get done, even if you just need to relax."

He gave her an exasperated smile, and she knew it wasn't directed at her. "Aye." Making certain his jacket was zipped, he pulled her back into his arms for another searing kiss. "I'll make this as quick as possible."

Sarah watched him leave, already anticipating his return even if nothing happened that night. It would happen, she knew. And she'd look forward to it. But Carson was a doctor, and that took priority when there were injuries. Rather than dwelling on the matter, she picked up the jacket he'd tossed on the floor, hung it in the closet, and climbed into a cool shower.

oOo

It was after midnight when Carson left the infirmary. In spite of his frustration, he'd been able to focus entirely on the situation. One of Dr. McKay's team members, Dr. Vince Jerald, had managed to fall and break his leg. It had required surgery, and Carson had climbed into scrubs without a second thought. Sarah said she understood, and he decided to take her at her word. Right then, he couldn't be distracted by what might await him after he finished.

Now, however, he allowed a self-satisfied grin to cover his face as he headed for her quarters. She'd invited him back, saying she'd be waiting for him. At this hour, he hoped she was asleep, but he'd join her for the few hours of darkness left, if only to keep his promise. Earlier that evening had revealed a lot of things, in particular that one part of Sarah that she kept hidden from everyone. Her ability to tell him what had happened during her university days spoke of the trust she'd placed in him. He never wanted to betray that.

At Sarah's quarters, he used his code to override the door, making a mental note to give her the access code for his quarters so that she'd feel comfortable sharing hers. Then, he stopped and chuckled. Sarah had clearly tried to stay awake, reading one of the books he'd sent to her. She wore blue velour pajama bottoms and a white tank top, the book still open on her raised legs. She'd taken him at his word and prepared to relax, even if she hadn't managed to stay awake. Moving to the couch, he knelt next to her and ran a hand over her face. "Sarah?"

She stirred, swatting at his hand as if it were a fly. Carson chuckled and leaned to kiss her forehead. "Love, ye need ta move ta the bed if ye want don't want a sore neck."

She frowned in her sleep and turned toward him. Her eyes opened ever so slightly. "Carson?"

"Aye."

She smiled and rolled onto her side, the book falling of the couch. He managed to catch it and set it aside, running a hand over her face again. "Sarah."

This time, she truly woke. "You're back!" Her sleep-warmed voice charmed him, and he smiled as she blinked at her clock. "It's two in the morning!"

"Aye," he said again. "Dr. Jerald needed surgery. I still am not one-hundred-percent certain how he managed to break his leg so severely. Radek said he'd get to the bottom of it, an' I took him at his word."

She sat up, her hair falling around her shoulders as she rubbed her eyes. "I'm glad you came back."

"Me, too." He stood and pulled her to her feet. "Let's get ye in bed."

Rather than tucking her in and leaving, Carson stretched out next to her. He honestly didn't think he had the energy to walk to his quarters, anyway. He'd already been tired, the result of days of worry for Sheppard and McKay, and the surgery had taken more out of him than he'd anticipated. The passion of the early evening was gone, however, as Sarah invited him under the covers with her. She snuggled into his side and promptly fell asleep on his shoulder, one arm draped across his waist.

_Aye, __'tis __wha' __love __is_, he thought. Closing his eyes, Carson drifted to sleep thinking that the highs of passion and lows of irritation were balanced by perfectly charming moments just like this.

~TBC


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Note:** Okay, folks, I need to apologize for posting this so late. I had one of those weekends when it was just one thing after another, and today hasn't been that great either. It was 9:30PM when I realized I needed to post this chapter. So, here it is. Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

Sarah woke the next morning to Carson trailing his fingers along her bare shoulder. She blinked, feeling the grit of having stayed up reading way too late. When Carson had left, she'd showered and determined that she'd be waiting for him. Even if they simply sat on the couch and talked about the recent changes in their relationship, she wanted to show him that she could handle his work as a doctor. Then, Kleinfeld had emailed her and asked her to wait to come into his office until 1300 hours the next day. Sarah had grabbed a book to read and promptly fell asleep.

Now, she lay on her right side, feeling him curled around her as she slowly returned to wakefulness. Like the last time they'd slept in the same bed, she'd rested incredibly well. Unlike last time, he was awake before her, and she felt his breath tickle her ear. "Good morning."

He chuckled softly as she turned onto her back. His eyes roved over her face, seeming to take in every detail about her. Sarah smiled and tried to find a way to breathe with his face so close to her own. She raised an eyebrow. "Observing?"

His chuckle turned into a laugh. "I think we're past simple observation, love."

She flushed, though not entirely uncomfortable. "True."

"Though, aren't ye supposed ta be meetin' with Dr. Kleinfeld today?"

"Yes." Sarah shrugged, not eager to move away from his warmth. "But he emailed me last night and asked me to come to his office around one this afternoon."

"Ahhh." He shifted next to her. "About last night."

"Everything I said stands, Carson." She put a hand on his shoulder. "Everything."

He smiled slightly and then, finally, kissed her. Sarah drew in a deep breath, not minding the gritty feeling in her eyes any longer. One of her arms went around his neck, the other around his back, and she simply stopped thinking.

oOo

That afternoon, Sarah made her way to the East Pier, where Marine Biology was housed. She'd done a bit of reading that morning after Carson left her quarters and knew that a large portion of this department was devoted to exploring the oceans on this new world, looking for anything that could help Earth. The research projects were plentiful and important to each member of the team, and Sarah simply wanted to work with someone rather than take over her own set of research. She'd been out of the field for a few years and needed a bit of a refresher on current technology used. Though, based on the reports, she'd be using a lot of the same technology she'd used in the infirmary.

After a quick check in a pocket mirror, she entered the office of one Dr. Deiter Kleinfeld. He sat behind his desk, looking every inch a lawyer with his hair in place and the room elegantly appointed. Only his white lab coat and Atlantis uniform differentiated him from initial impressions of her father. Then, he glanced up, and she saw stern lines and a down-turned mouth.

"Ah, Dr. MacKenzie, please come in." His voice, though lightly accented, was deeper than Carson's and nowhere near as warm.

Sarah stepped into the room and took the chair he indicated, determined that she would handle this as professionally as possible. She hadn't been called "Dr. MacKenzie" in several years, so it threw her to be reminded that she _did_ have a Ph.D. in Marine Biology. Something that she hadn't told many people on Atlantis. "Dr. Kleinfeld." She extended her hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Yes, yes." He gave her a weak handshake, leaving her wanting to wipe her palm on her leg. His fingers were cold and somewhat clammy. Instead, she folded her hands in her lap as he met her with a direct glare. "I received your transfer request from Colonel Carter last night, and I must say that I was not very pleased with it."

Sarah blinked several times. "I'm sorry?"

"Dr. MacKenzie, I am a scientist." He leaned forward in his chair and propped his elbows on his desk. "I am in Atlantis for the purpose of working, not pleasure. And I refuse to coddle you simply because you're _sleeping_ with the Chief of Medicine."

Sarah's mouth flapped open, all her decorum gone at the accusation. "I'm not sleeping with Dr. Beckett!" _Not __yet_, her mind reminded her. _Not __in _that _way!_ That morning, they'd enjoyed an intense make-out session before he was called away to the infirmary. Again. Sarah had glared up at the ceiling after he left and promised that she'd take him away from Atlantis the next time the opportunity for their relationship to continue to develop presented itself.

Kleinfeld raised an eyebrow. "Really?" He smirked. "Then why did I see Dr. Beckett leave your quarters this morning, looking rather rumpled and like he'd just. . . ."

"He was on his way to the infirmary," Sarah interrupted, her cheeks heating at the accusation. "With all due respect, Dr. Kleinfeld, I do not believe it is appropriate for you to make assumptions about me based on my personal relationships. I requested this transfer so that ethical behavior between myself and Dr. Beckett could be maintained in light of our relationship. That should have _no_ bearing on how you treat me here or anywhere else."

He held her gaze, his blue eyes hard as he tried to read her. Sarah kept her chin up as she determined that he would _not_ get under her skin. She had her reasons for this transfer, and she would work incredibly hard to get caught up on the advances in her field. But she refused to be intimidated by any man. Not anymore. Carson had taught her that she could have what she wanted, and she would not lose that because one scientist on Atlantis—department head or not—thought she was receiving preferential treatment.

Finally, Kleinfeld sat back in his chair. "I see."

Sarah worked her jaw, trying not to clench her teeth in anger. "Furthermore, I find it a bit disconcerting that you were keeping an eye on my quarters."

"Dr. MacKenzie, I have no desire to keep an eye on your quarters." He actually laughed at that. "My personal quarters are in the same section, and I happened to see Dr. Beckett heading out this morning when I left for work."

Sarah let out a deep breath. "Then I apologize for the accusation." She didn't like it one bit, but Carson's influence had made her aware of how she'd treated people in the past. He'd softened her considerably, and she actually liked how she felt about herself now.

Kleinfeld narrowed his eyes slightly. "Apology accepted." He raised an eyebrow. "In the future, I will refrain from making assumptions based on your personal choices, though I will not accept having those choices used in any way to influence your assignments in this department."

For just a moment, Sarah wanted to strangle the man at the belief she would use her relationship with Carson for preferential treatment. Then, she let out a deep breath. "Dr. Kleinfeld, I realize you don't know me. And I realize that you may not know Dr. Beckett very well, either. I can assure you that you have no cause for concern about preferential treatment. If anything, you will find that I require an assistant position right now. I have been out of the field for several years due to my work as a nurse, and I have also experienced some personal losses in recent months. I plan to show you that your initial assumptions about me are wrong."

They continued to stare at one another for a few moments, and then Kleinfeld nodded. "Very well." He pushed to his feet and held out his hand. "Welcome to Marine Biology."

oOo

That evening, Sarah and Carson joined Teyla in the mess hall for dinner. They'd taken to eating with the Athosian after Midway lost contact with Atlantis. Teyla had not coped well with Sheppard, McKay, _and_ Ronon's absence, and Carson often spent a little extra time with her. Sarah knew he saw her as a sister, and she was surprised that she could handle watching him with other women. It spoke of how secure she really was in their relationship and how much trust he'd built with her.

As soon as she appeared at his quarters, Sarah found Carson just finishing a shower and shave. He stopped long enough to let her in, and she moved to his couch as she studied his quarters. He kept them just as neat as his office, but his desk showed signs of his work. Pictures of his family—including the one they'd taken with her before she left Scotland—cluttered the desk. She frowned, though. "Carson?"

"Aye?" he called from the bathroom.

"Where's our picture?"

He peeked around the door. "Oh, I took it to the office today." An embarrassed smile crossed his face. "I figured it would be appropriate now."

Sarah grinned at him. "I can handle that."

He finished his preparations and limped over to her. She frowned at him, seeing how pronounced the limp was compared to most days. He saw the expression and waved a hand. "Don't worry, love. I didnae do my PT today, an' I'm feelin' a bit of tension because of it."

She nodded as he gathered her into his arms and then laid her head on his shoulder. He always smelled great, but right now was even better. She closed her eyes and allowed the warmth of his hug, as well as the depth of their relationship that it implied, to surround her. "How was your day?"

"Oh, good." He glanced down at her. "How was yours?"

She flushed at the question, remembering the uncomfortable moments in Kleinfeld's office. "It was. . . .tough." In that moment, she determined that she'd not tell Carson about Kleinfeld's accusations. Not yet. He'd want to confront the head of Marine Biology, and that would only confirm Kleinfeld's suspicions. "He had some false impressions about me, and I had to set them straight. I'm not sure he believes me, yet, but time will work it out."

Carson pushed her away only far enough to look into her eyes. "You're certain, love?"

"Aye," she said, grinning at the way his face lit up. "Do you know how hard it is to _not_ talk like you all the time?"

He laughed at that. "Well, I certainly have no reservations." His smile faded. "You're certain everythin' is fine with Dr. Kleinfeld?"

"Yes, I'm certain." She put a hand on his chest. "Though I should thank you. Because of you, I was able to look at a man who reminded me of my father and not feel intimidated or out-of-control angry. I was able to say what needed to be said and walk away not caring what he thinks in the end."

"I dinnae do that, love." Carson tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "That was always in ye to begin with." He kissed her gently, keeping it from becoming too heated. "Come on. Teyla's probably wonderin' where we're at."

Sheppard, McKay, and Ronon returned a week later. In that time, Sarah worked long hours in Marine Biology. Carson's name came up primarily because people were curious about her relationship with him, but she was careful to never use it as a way to get what she wanted. Kleinfeld watched her closely, seemingly searching for one reason to dismiss her from his team. Sarah refused to be intimidated by him and often waved off Carson's concern about the entire situation. After a week, Kleinfeld turned his attention elsewhere, though, and Sarah gladly settled into her routine.

oOo

Life in Atlantis took on a fairly routine pace. Carson adjusted to not seeing Sarah in the infirmary every day, and he found he was able to focus on his work even more. She gave him a reason to leave at a reasonable time each evening, and both Jennifer and Marie commented that they should have found him a lady a long time ago. Carson returned the good-natured teasing by saying that the good Dr. McKay seemed to be appearing a lot, especially around the evening meal, and Jennifer flushed to the roots of her hair.

Teyla's pregnancy continued to progress, and Carson watched her closely. The stress of life in Pegasus, combined with her missing people, concerned him. He saw her withdraw into herself as the time for the birth of her child grew near, and Sheppard came to him with concerns. Apparently, Teyla believed she'd been having visions of Kanaan. Carson did a battery of tests, but he could only conclude that she was either dreaming or somehow in contact with the father of her child through the Gift, as her people called it. He wasn't happy with that diagnosis, however, and constantly wracked his brain to figure it out.

In addition, a new disease sprang up on several planets in Pegasus. Carson was called off-world to treat one of their allies who had been struck by this sickness and literally froze in the doorway of the building they called a hospital. He'd seen this illness before. It brought back one of the darkest times of his life. During their first year in Pegasus, he'd helped create a drug that rendered human beings immune to Wraith feeding. It also killed the feeding Wraith. And fifty percent of the humans who took it. Whoever released the Hoffan drug had tweaked it, making it less deadly. But they still lost a third of the people on that planet.

Knowing the disease did not mean they had a cure, however. Carson worked around the clock, taking time only to eat, sleep when necessary, and visit with Sarah briefly before returning to his lab. Sarah often joined him in the evenings, reading or working on her own research while he worked. He appreciated her understanding but knew she had to be getting tired of his obsessive behavior. So, he sat down with her over a private dinner one evening and told her about Hoff. About Perna. And about his part in the entire affair. Sarah listened without saying a word and then, to his surprise, pulled him into a hug when his emotions took over. For the first time in years, Carson Beckett cried for what had happened on Hoff.

When Teyla's visions continued without a cause, Colonel Carter authorized Sheppard to take her on a quick mission to the village of Croya. Carson gave her a clean bill of health when she returned, still finding no reason for the visions. She believed what she'd seen, and, while Sheppard, Carson, and McKay returned to the ruined planet of Hoff for information, she traveled again to Croya with Major Lorne. Somewhere in all the chaos, Todd—the Wraith Kolya allowed to feed on Sheppard—asked for a meeting with Atlantis. Sheppard returned, and Carson was called into a meeting in Carter's office where Sheppard shared the information they'd obtained. Carson listened politely as the colonel recounted the conversation.

"When we told him we weren't the bad guys behind it, he said there could only be one other." Sheppard's words caused dread to begin filling Carson's stomach.

Carter frowned. "And you think you know who he's talking about?"

Sheppard nodded. "Michael."

The name caused the knot in Carson's stomach to explode. He'd hoped to have seen the last of that particular Wraith, but his past seemed intent on cropping up and striking when he least expected it. He'd pushed for the experimentation with Michael and had, in a sense, created this monster. But the Hoffan drug actually clicked into place in his mind as Sheppard, McKay, and Carter turned to face him. Carson shook his head. "I don't know what ta say."

McKay looked him in the eye. "This isn't your fault, Carson."

"Aye, it is," Carson insisted, not about to let himself off the hook. "I'm the one who created Michael in the first place."

"Wait." Carter held up a hand. "You're talking about the Wraith you converted into a human?"

"Aye," Carson said again. "The reversion was only temporary, though. He reverted back into a Wraith."

"The other Wraith didn't want anything to do with him," Sheppard continued, "so he's been kind of holding a little bit of a grudge ever since."

Rodney looked from Carson to Carter. "He's not a big fan of humans, either. For him, the Hoffan drug is the perfect weapon."

Carson stayed silent, not saying what everyone was likely thinking. _He_ created the Hoffan drug, _he_ created Michael, _he_ was the one who's mind Michael probed for information. He let out a deep breath, trying to absorb the changes in the galaxy made by his choices.

"Still, this is just speculation." Carter's statement interrupted his thoughts. "I mean, do we have _any_ proof?"

"Well, not really," McKay said, "but even if we did, we'd have no way of finding him."

"We can go back to Todd—see if he's got something more than a name," Sheppard suggested.

Carson perked up at that, knowing what it would cost. "Colonel, surely you're not considerin' givin' him our research on the Hoffan protein?"

McKay blinked. "Well, why not?"

"Because, Rodney, we'd be givin' him a way ta kill humans—millions of them." Carson tried to find way to explain his reasoning without it coming out sounding incredibly overwrought and emotional.

"Theoretically, yes," McKay replied, "but practically, it really wouldn't be in their best interest to poison their own food supply, regardless of whether our research helped them come up with an antidote or not. No, I think the more likely scenario is that they find an antidote that works as a short-term solution to the existing threat, then they work on weaponising the protein. You know, coming up with a more effective delivery system, one that cuts out the middle man—in this case, the human victims. No, what we're doing is giving them the means to kill off each other."

"So, when you put it that way, giving them our research could be a _good_ thing," Sheppard pointed out. Carson gave him a confused look, trying to wrap his head around the sudden changes in his reality. Coming back to Atlantis meant confronting a lot of things for him, but he'd been happy to do so if only to have Sarah at his side. Now, he dreaded seeing her that evening because he'd have to tell her everything that had happened. She hadn't judged him for his involvement with the Hoffan drug, and she'd quietly hugged him when he'd cried. Now, however, was different. He didn't just have millions of lives on his conscience. He had the monster that had taken millions of lives on his conscience.

Before much more could be said, the Stargate activated. In the control room, Chuck called out, "Incoming wormhole."

Carson stood with the rest of them and hurried down the stairs, only a few steps slower than Rodney. He still managed to watch Major Lorne come through the gate, head down in both anger and shame. His team followed, but Teyla never appeared.

As the gate shut down, Carter frowned. "Major, where's Teyla?"

~TBC


	26. Chapter 26

That evening, Sarah found Carson on a tiny balcony some distance from the infirmary. It wasn't "their" balcony, barely large enough to hold the bench, potted plants, and a couple of people. The horizon was obscured here, replaced with a stunning view of the city. Carson stood at the railing, his head hung and hands clenched into fists.

Hesitating for only a fraction of a second, Sarah moved to his side. "Carson?"

He glanced at her, the darkness in his eyes disconcerting for a man who had survived almost certain death. "Oh, Sarah." He turned back to the view and spoke before she could do much more than frown. "The day of the explosion, I found Major Lorne on this balcony. He was painting."

Sarah's eyebrows rose. "The major's an artist?"

"Aye, an' a good one." Carson let out a deep breath and fell silent again.

Sarah's concern rose another notch at the way he kept everything contained. He'd always been so open with her, allowing his thoughts to play across his face in a scary yet thrilling display. This blank expression actually frightened her more than his openness had. She reached for his hands, feeling the tension in the muscles of his wrist. "Carson, what happened?"

"Michael's back." The announcement meant nothing to her.

"Who?"

He truly looked at her, seeing her as if for the first time. Blinking several times, he finally unclenched his fist to take her hand in his. "Sarah, I'm sorry. I forget that ye weren't here until after my accident." He ran his free hand across his face. "Michael was a Wraith we captured in order to test a retrovirus I'd created. It essentially stripped the Iratus bug DNA from the human DNA, leavin' a human bein' behind. We tried to get Michael to believe he was one of us and a part of this Expedition, but he eventually discovered the truth." He shook his head. "First, he kidnapped Teyla. Then, when we did the same thing again—out of necessity, we thought—he managed to capture me."

"You?"

"Aye." He didn't look at her, choosing to study the horizon. "He remembered and reverted back to a Wraith, taking time to thoroughly probe my mind. I've never felt anythin' like that."

Sarah waited while he fell silent again. She'd already seen how Carson responded to stress. He kept going until he couldn't continue any longer. But this was different. There were hints of guilt in his voice. "And you believe Michael is responsible for the Hoffan plague being disseminated?"

"Aye, among other things." Carson let out a deep breath. "Sarah, if he is responsible, then _I'm _responsible."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am!" His voice rose, and he pulled away from her to pace to the other side of the balcony. "If I had not pushed for that research, if I had not pushed to experiment on him, then none o' this would ha'e happened!"

Sarah watched him run a hand through his hair, feeling helpless. She knew this anger wasn't directed at her, but she was unable to figure out how to help him stop being angry at himself. These choices were in the past, but he felt the effects of them now. And, being the compassionate man he was, he likely would carry that pain for a good long time.

Instead of speaking, she decided to take a page from his book. Not giving him a chance to escape, she walked across the balcony and simply wrapped her arms around him. He stiffened momentarily but didn't pull away. As his arms enveloped her, she laid her head on his chest and determined that she wouldn't leave. Not until he was calm enough to see things rationally.

"There's more." His voice sounded almost empty as he said it.

Sarah lifted her head from where she'd laid it and stared into his eyes. The darkness of the night shadowed his them, making them even more difficult to read. "What?"

He let out another deep breath. "Teyla's missing."

Sarah felt his soft words to the core of her being. Teyla was a friend—a good friend. Sarah blinked several times, trying to wrap her head around what had happened. "How?"

"I don't know." He tightened his hold on her. "Major Lorne said she was targeted during their search of Croya."

"The village in her visions?"

"Aye."

"Carson, I am _so_ sorry."

"I know." He hugged her close again, choosing to speak as she buried her face in his chest. "I mean, I should ha'e been able ta find the reason she was havin' the visions in the first place. But I didn't, an' now she's. . . ." He wasn't able to finish the sentence. Sarah didn't need him to finish it. He'd taken the blame for her disappearance on his shoulders as well. The reality that she might have just lost yet another friend settled over her, and she struggled with her tears. Carson didn't need them right now.

Her emotions had other ideas. She started crying, softly at first, and he propped his chin on her head as she tried to control the emotions. Finally, he moved back just enough to look at her. She blinked, amazed at the tears on his face. When she'd first seen him cry—not but two days ago—she'd been stunned that he'd carried the weight of what happened on Hoff for so long. This was different. This wasn't grief over past choices. This pain was fresh and heart-wrenching.

"Don't try ta hide it, love," he said softly.

Sarah nodded and reached up to wipe one of his tears away. "Only if you don't."

Carson held her gaze for a few more moments before he, too, nodded. That night, they held one another as they grieved for the loss of a friend.

oOo

"Control Room to Dr. Beckett." The call woke Carson from a light sleep, and he blinked at Sarah's quarters. After their emotional conversation on the balcony, they'd come back here to be able to speak with a bit more privacy. He'd told her the entire story of Michael, how he'd been complicit. She'd listened, never telling him it wasn't his fault but never judging him, either. In some strange way, she seemed to understand. When talk turned to Teyla's disappearance, however, she'd changed. It clearly brought up memories of her mother's death, and Carson had cried with her as he held her close. They'd fallen asleep on the couch.

Now, he reached up to touch the radio still in his ear, regretting that he'd wake Sarah in the process. "This is Beckett," he said softly.

She stirred at his voice, blinking at him. He ran a hand over her shoulder as Chuck spoke into his ear. "Colonel Sheppard has found a lead on Teyla's location. He's asking you to join him and Major Lorne's team on the mission. They're leaving in ten minutes."

"Right. I'll be there." Carson clicked the radio off as Sarah sat up. He sat up with her, regretful that their night had ended in such an emotional fashion. "I've got to go."

"I know." She stood and walked him to the door. "Be safe, Carson."

"I promise." He kissed her one more time before rushing to the infirmary to pack up an emergency kit. Who knew what condition Teyla would be in? He wanted to be as prepared as possible. It took every bit of the ten minutes he'd been given to gather the supplies, climb into off world gear, and report to the gate room. Sheppard, Lorne, and their teams were waiting, but they didn't say a word to Carson as he fell into step with them. The group walked through the open wormhole without a second thought, materializing on a planet that showed no signs of civilization. A moment later, they were transported up to the _Daedalus_ for the remainder of the trip.

Hours later, they were beamed into an abandoned warehouse. Carson drew his sidearm, having already decided that he would do what it took to return Teyla to Atlantis. He refused to consider anything else, given that he'd created the monster that held her captive. Following Sheppard's team, he prayed that Teyla would be unharmed and that her child would be born healthy and whole.

A Wraith stunner blast sent him diving for cover. Carson lifted his pistol, trying to get a glimpse of their attacker. Ronon, however, had no problems. He returned fire, and Sheppard followed suit, the P90 rounds spraying a corner with dust and plaster. Their attacker popped up to fire at them again with the stunner, and Carson squeezed off a few rounds. It had been some time since he'd fired a weapon in live combat, and he blinked at the recoil. Thankfully, he remembered enough of his training and ducked as another stunner blast headed his way.

Nearby, Major Lorne and his team came under fire, Carson cringing at the sound of the P90 rounds from another portion of the facility. The dirt in the place concerned him, but he refused to lose focus. Ronon twirled his blaster, firing blindly around a corner and catching their attacker in the arm. Sheppard followed with a hail of bullets that sent the man to the ground.

Over the radio, Carson heard Caldwell inform Sheppard of the arrival of a Wraith cruiser. He ground his teeth together, as he walked over to the human guard, intent on getting some information out of him. He might be able to trade information on Michael—if that was, indeed, him in the cruiser—for medical treatment.

Carson tuned back into the conversation in time to hear the guard say, "We're expecting him back. He's on his way with an important prisoner."

Sheppard's eyes widened, and he touched his radio. "This is Sheppard. Come in. _Daedalus_, do you read?"

"Sheppard, this is _Daedalus_."

"Do _not_ destroy the enemy ship." John turned to stare at the team. "I repeat: do _not_ destroy the enemy ship. Teyla may be on board." After a second, he spoke again. "Did you hear me? _Teyla_ may be on board."

"We heard you," Caldwell replied before conferring with his weapons officer. Carson knelt next to the injured man, pulling out bandages to stem the bleeding. From what he saw, there was little he could do, but his training wouldn't allow him to ignore the injuries.

A few moments later, Caldwell's voice came back over the radios. "Bad news, Sheppard. The cruiser made the jump to hyperspace. It's gone."

Carson's eyes closed. He fought with his emotions, the hope that had risen in the past few moments dashed by the reality that they'd just lost Teyla. Again. He didn't know how much of this he could handle, and his concern for her pregnancy grew with every passing hour. Instead of voicing these concerns, he continued to treat his patient, easing the pain until the man no longer breathed. Major Lorne and his team joined them as he worked, and he pushed to his feet as Sheppard opened the door the guard had been protecting.

In those few moments, his entire world changed.

oOo

"Dr. MacKenzie to the infirmary." The announcement brought Sarah's head up from a microscope. She'd been working quietly in a corner of the Marine Biology lab, trying to ignore the residual ache in her neck from having slept on the couch with Carson. And trying to ignore the tension in her stomach about his mission to find Teyla. Now, the announcement repeated. "Dr. MacKenzie to the infirmary _immediately_."

Sarah gave Kleinfeld a nod and then left her station. She'd finally started feeling that she'd earned his respect on some level, and the concerns about her relationship with Carson hadn't come up again. Even now, it wasn't Carson who paged her, but Chuck. Concern blossomed in her stomach. There was only one reason she'd be paged to the infirmary. She broke into a run, arriving out of breath to a very pale Marie. "Sarah, calm down. He's okay."

"He is?" Sarah glanced around, noting the distinct absence of Carson, Jennifer, Amanda, and most of the medical personnel. "Where is he?"

"He's in isolation."

"_Isolation?_" She blinked, trying to quell the panic. "Why? What was he exposed to?"

Marie struggled for words for just a moment before leading Sarah to the observation deck. This one looked down into two of Atlantis's isolation rooms, one on each side, and Sarah saw Sheppard, Ronon, and McKay staring down in absolute shock. She walked over to their position and blinked. Carson sat on a bed, dressed in white scrubs and smiling up at them. His eyes moved from Sheppard to her, and he frowned in confusion. Not one spark of familiarity showed on his face.

"Sarah." Marie's soft voice turned her head. "Over here."

Sarah crossed the observation deck and looked down into another room, a mirror of the one she'd just seen. In this one, Carson also sat on the hospital bed, dressed in his black off world gear and frowning at Amanda, who was taking a sample of his blood. He glanced up into the observation deck and smiled at Sarah, the recognition and affection a sight she'd seen for weeks. Her world spun, and she felt hands on her arms forcing her to sit down. She saw Sheppard's boots as he quickly ducked her head between her knees to prevent her from passing out. "Take it easy, Sarah," he said softly. "The last thing Carson needs is for you to go fainting in front of him."

Sarah gulped in deep breaths of air and, when Sheppard released her, stared into his face. "_What_ happened out there?"

"We're not sure." Sheppard glanced at McKay. "So far, we know he's not a Replicator or an android. But we're just not sure what he is."

"So why is Carson in an isolation room?"

"Because we need to get to the bottom of what happened." Sheppard rubbed the back of his neck. "Look, if it's any consolation, Carson's the one who put himself in isolation. He's the one who instituted the quarantine on the _Daedalus_, as well."

Sarah stood and moved back to where _her_ Carson still watched for her. He nodded, his face a picture of calm as if trying to tell her that everything would be okay. She smiled slightly, but she couldn't forget the _other_ Carson in the other isolation room. _Am __I __the __only __woman __in __the __course __of __human history __to __be __confronted __with __the __double __of __the __man __I __love?_ she thought.

Before she could answer that, Jennifer walked into the room. She still wore hazmat gear, though she'd removed the helmet. "Well, we've completed the preliminary exam."

McKay stepped forward. "And?"

"Every test we've run confirms it." She motioned to the other Carson. "That man down there is Dr. Carson Beckett." She pointed to Sarah's Carson. "And _that_ man down there is Dr. Carson Beckett."

~TBC

**Author's Note:** The chapter everyone has been waiting for! LOL! Hope you enjoyed! ~lg


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's****Note:** Okay, this chapter is a bit shorter, but I think you'll understand when you get to the end of it. Be warned, though. I am crying right now as I type this A/N. So, major tissue alert.

oOo

"I want to talk to him." Sarah's announcement surprised the room. She pointed to her Carson. "I mean, I want to talk to the _real_ Carson."

Sheppard touched her elbow. "Right now, we don't know who the real Carson is."

She glared at him. "Yes you do!" She motioned toward the other Carson. "I don't know who that man is, but there is _no_ way he's Carson Beckett. He doesn't know me, and Carson would know me."

"Ah, not if he were from an alternate reality," McKay pointed out helpfully. When Sarah glared at him, he wilted slightly. "I'll shut up now."

Sarah turned back to Sheppard. "I'm going in there, Colonel."

"Okay, just hold on." Sheppard looked at Jennifer. "Is it safe?"

Jennifer shrugged. "I don't imagine it not being safe. Dr. Cole has already cleared him through his post-mission physical, and he hasn't picked up any infections that we can find."

Sheppard glanced at Sarah. "Fine. But just. . . ."

"Thank you." Sarah turned and rushed from the room, easily finding the door and stopping long enough to take a deep breath. A security guard stood outside, letting her in when she nodded to him.

Carson pushed off of the hospital bed and crossed the room to gather her into his arms. He'd shed his TAC vest, but he still wore the black jacket. Sarah deliberately slipped her arms under his jacket, feeling the familiar ridges of his scars and letting out a deep breath as she melted into his chest.

"Aye, it's me," he said softly as he held her. She let him absorb the weight of her body, still trying to take in what had just transpired. Until he'd wrapped his arms around her, she hadn't realized she was shaking. Now, she looked into his blue eyes and frowned.

"Carson, what happened out there?"

"I don't know." He led her over to the hospital bed, the limp from the explosion oddly comforting now. "I was treatin' an injured man, knowin' he would die, when Colonel Sheppard opened that door. It was. . . ." His voice trailed off. "Comin' face ta face wi' yourself isnae the easiest thing ta do."

Sarah listened to his accent thicken, knowing he was trying to absorb the same shock she'd experienced. "Did he see you?"

"No." Carson shook his head. "I was still kneeling on the floor. When I saw who it was, I beamed back aboard the _Daedalus._ Major Lorne didn't let me out of his sight."

"So he has no idea you're here?"

"I don't know." Carson slid onto the bed after she'd sat down. "Sarah, this changes nothin' about us."

"I know." She waved away the statement. "But it is. . . .Do you _know_ what it's like to see the man you love but have him not recognize you?" When he didn't say anything, she sighed. "What now?"

"Well, we figure out who he is."

"He's _you_, Carson." Sarah hated breaking the news before Jennifer had a chance. "Just before I came in here, Jennifer told us that the preliminary tests had concluded that you're _both_ Carson Beckett."

He struggled to breathe, pushing off of the bed to pace around the room. She'd never seen him this distraught before, and it concerned her. Of course, finding out someone else had his identity had to be the most disconcerting feeling known to humankind. After all, it wasn't like twins. With twins, they shared similar memories of the same events. If this was, somehow, another version of Carson, they'd share _identical_ memories of the same events. The only difference, so far, seemed to be how the other Carson hadn't recognized her.

Amanda appeared before any further words were said. She glanced briefly at Sarah before looking at Carson. "Dr. Beckett?"

He turned. "I'm goin' ta be here for a while, yet."

"Yes." Amanda gave him a sympathetic smile. "We're trying to figure out what happened."

"I understand." Carson moved back to Sarah's side. "Has he said anythin' yet?"

Amanda glanced away momentarily. "He believes he's you."

Sarah touched Carson's arm when he leaned heavily on the bed. "Is that even possible?"

Amanda shrugged. "Dr. McKay listed off several options, the most sane of which seems to be alternate realities. After all, we have encountered them before at the SGC."

Sarah frowned. "And how likely is it that Michael would be holding the alternate version of Carson as a prisoner?"

Amanda shook her head. "I don't know." She took a deep breath and let it out, turning to Carson. "Dr. Beckett, I wanted to let you know that your tests came back clean. But we're still unsure what happened."

"I understand." He ran a hand over his face. "Is there any chance I'll be able ta talk to him?"

Amanda considered that for a moment. "I don't know," she said again. "We need to rule out the chances of entropic cascade failure and any number of possibilities."

"Right." He nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Cole."

Amanda left them alone, and Sarah stared at the door as it closed behind her. She couldn't even really wrap her mind around what had just happened. "Carson, I know this isn't about me but. . . ."

"It _is_ about you," he interrupted. Standing in front of her, he took her face in his hands and stared deeply into her eyes. "When we decided that we were ready for a long-term relationship, we decided that everythin' that affects me affects you. An' I cannae imagine wha' it must feel ta see my face lookin' at ye without a shred of recognition."

"Imagine if it was me."

"I can't." He pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly. "There's only one Sarah MacKenzie."

As badly as she wanted to return the sentiment and say that there was only one Carson Beckett, she couldn't. Not anymore. And she didn't know how to react.

oOo

The next several days passed in a sort of haze. Atlantis's command staff went into overdrive just to figure out the mystery of the Carson Twins. They'd been dubbed that by McKay, and the name stuck. Sarah didn't particularly care for it, but Carson—_her_ Carson—didn't seem to mind too terribly. He hadn't been released from quarantine for forty-eight hours while Jennifer worked to determine exactly what had happened. When he was released, he came down to Marine Biology, whispered to Kleinfeld, and managed to convince the man to give her a few days off. Sarah could have cared less what Kleinfeld thought as he watched her leave the lab. She was thankful that she'd been allowed the time with Carson.

The first place Carson took her was their balcony. As soon as the door closed behind him, he gathered her into his arms and kissed her. Sarah returned it with every bit of the intensity she felt, thankful that the time he'd been quarantined was over. She'd wanted to help, to figure out the puzzle, but she'd refrained from asking just so that Kleinfeld wouldn't accuse her of receiving preferential treatment.

Finally, Carson eased back and allowed Sarah to catch her breath. She grinned up at him. "They figured it out?"

"Aye." His smile faded. "He's a clone."

"A clone?" Sarah blinked. "Michael _cloned_ you?"

"Aye." Carson pressed his lips together, his dimple making an appearance. "Rodney told me about what happened around the time you returned to Atlantis, about meeting his double. At the time, he thought it was 'cool,' as he put it."

"Rodney would think that."

Carson chuckled at her dry comment. "This, though, is different. He was held by Michael and believed himself to be me."

"Has anyone told him?"

"He was taken to the infirmary now." Carson shook his head. "I still don't know what ta say. I know I'll have ta meet him soon, but. . . ."

Sarah put a hand on his chest. "He's not you, Carson. There's only one you. And, no matter what Michael did to him, he will never be you."

Carson stared at her before holding her close. Right now, it was all he could do to comfort both of them. The certainty between them—that their relationship would last—was the only thing stable in his world right then. Sarah felt it in how he spoke and how he looked at her, and she decided that she would do whatever was necessary to help him through this time. Even if she was just as shaken and confused as he was.

oOo

Two days later, Carson walked into the infirmary, carrying the cane Sarah had bought for him in Achintraid and ignoring the glances sent his way. They'd come to refer to him as "Carson" and his clone as "Beckett," and it seemed the easiest way to differentiate between them. He'd met Beckett the day after he'd been released from quarantine, and it had been the most unsettling thing he'd ever experienced. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing life besides his own. Beckett had worn the same shocked expression, and Carson immediately tried to make him feel at ease. He wasn't the first person in SGC history to meet his or her double, and he needed to get over the "mind trip," as Colonel Sheppard called it.

Of course, Beckett thinking he was Carson and that he'd return to his position as Chief of Medicine on Atlantis complicated matters. But he seemed to adjust well. He was given guest quarters and allowed to go on two off world missions. Unfortunately, he collapsed right after that, and Carson stepped aside to allow Jennifer to treat him while Carson performed life-saving surgery on the man who had tried to kill Teyla and Jennifer on New Athos.

In the midst of all of this, Nabel gave up an address. Beckett, who had worked tirelessly to halt the necrosis in his own cells, drew a map of the facility and asked to be included in the mission. Carson, who wasn't there, worried that his "brother," for lack of a better term, wouldn't survive the mission. The necrosis in his body was so far advanced, and Beckett had refused to go into the stasis pod. Instead, he worked alongside Carson and Jennifer while giving what intel he could on Michael's organization.

In those two days, Carson and Sarah met as many times as possible. She allowed him to take her to meet Beckett, and the introduction was awkward—to say the least. Sarah later explained that it was like looking at and talking to Carson, but without the same warmth and welcome that he had. He'd hugged her and assured her that this would all work out.

And it did. Only not in the way Carson wanted. Sheppard's team, accompanied by Beckett, went to check the facility Nabel gave them. Carson waited in the infirmary, prepared to treat any injuries that might have been sustained. He was not expecting to be called off world.

Ronon met him on the other side of the gate. "It's Beckett."

"What happened?" Carson worked to keep up, thankful the Satedan had taken the heaviest of the packs he carried.

"He found Teyla." Ronon shook his head. "In the process, he tried to fight Michael and got shot." Ronon fell silent until they reached the inner portion of the facility.

"Dear Lord!" Carson rushed to Beckett's side, the clone lying in a pool of blood that spread from a wound in his armpit. Carson realized that Michael had deliberately fired the weapon at the weakest part of the TAC vest: under the arm. The bullet had likely punctured a lung, and Beckett was bleeding out. Carson put a hand on Beckett's shoulder, his voice steadying as he forced his mind to shift into "doctor mode," as Sarah called it. "Right. Just take it easy. We're goin' ta get ye patched back up."

Beckett closed his eyes, trying to breathe, as Carson ran a scanner over him. The scanner showed the necrosis advancing, as well as the blood filling his lungs. An artery had been nicked, and Carson's heart sank. There really was nothing he could do. Not in time and without a surgical unit right here. Still, he began undoing the TAC vest, and Sheppard helped him remove it. Using surgical scissors, he cut open the bloody shirt and tried to get a look at the entry wound.

"Carson. . . ." Beckett's weak voice stopped him. He looked up to see faded blue eyes.

"Aye, I'm right here." Carson took the hand that reached for him.

"Remember when Da' took us campin' in the Applecross Mountains?"

"Aye." Carson blinked back tears, already knowing where this conversation was leading. Somehow, Michael had managed to reproduce his exact personality and memories right up until that day on M8G-352. "Don't try ta speak. We're goin' ta get ye back home and fixed up. Easy-peasy."

"No." Beckett shook his head. ". . .took too much time. . . I know that."

Carson glanced at Sheppard, seeing that the colonel also understood the message.

Beckett drew in another breath, this one with a rattle. "Carson. . . .the Applecross Mountains?"

"Aye," Carson said. He nodded, already fighting to contain the tears that welled in his eyes. "I'll personally see to it."

Beckett smiled ever so slightly. "An' take care o' Sarah. She's good for ye."

"That she is," Carson agreed softly.

Beckett's eyes moved to Sheppard. "Colonel. You bring her home, now, you understand?" he said, speaking of Teyla.

"Count on it, Doc." Sheppard's face showed the effect of these past few moments, but he managed to hang on to his emotions.

Beckett looked from Sheppard to Rodney, Ronon, and, finally, Carson. "I want you all to know that seeing you again these last few days—it was all worth it." He held Carson's gaze. "An' meetin' a brother."

Carson smiled at that. "Aye, that it was," he said.

A few moments later, the clone of Carson Beckett breathed his last, surrounded by friends who had come to love him in spite of the strange circumstances of his life. As soon he let out that final breath, Carson dropped his head on the man's chest and cried.

~TBC


	28. Chapter 28

**Author's Note:** I know a lot of you were shocked and not too happy with me for what happened in the previous chapter. I figured I'd put in an explanation because I can't answer some of you via PM. :) Clone!Carson is probably one of the most fascinating characters in the entire show. I know you're probably wondering why I'd kill off "one of the most fascinating characters in the show." Well, it's simple. If I had kept him alive, I would have gotten sidetracked by exploring his life with the original Carson around. This story, however, was about Sarah and Carson's relationship and how they survive. Hence, my decision. I hope you continue to enjoy this story as there are only two chapters left after this one. I do promise a happy ending for everyone! ~lg

oOo

Sarah watched Carson carry the draped body through the gate and toward the infirmary. She saw signs of tears on his face and knew that the real emotional storm hadn't yet taken place. She'd returned to work in Marine Biology a day ago, and she finished handing in her report to Carter. Then, she followed the sad entourage to the infirmary.

Carson had escaped to his office before she arrived. She nodded to Marie, who looked stricken, and then walked directly to him. Locking the door behind her, she wasn't surprised to find him sitting at his desk, face buried in his hands, and softly weeping. It wasn't the same as when he'd cried over Teyla or when he'd cried about Hoff. This was something deeper. She couldn't begin to understand, but she was grateful she wasn't there to witness the end. She didn't think she could have handled it.

Sarah moved slowly and put a hand on Carson's shoulder. He drew in a deep breath and looked up, his face splotched from the depth of his emotions. Wiping the tears away, he looked at her. "I should ha'e been able ta help him." He closed his eyes. "I mean, I know he wasnae me, an' I know he had his own memories of the last two years. But it was like watchin' myself go out. An' I don't know that I would ha'e been as peaceful about it."

Sarah listened, leaning against his desk as he talked. She also had tears in her eyes, but she wouldn't let them fall. Not yet. "What happened? Do you know?"

"Aye." Carson sat back in his chair, no longer trying to hide anything from her. "He found Teyla. Tried ta confront Michael an' get her back to us. But Michael programmed some sort of weakness into his mind to control him, an' Beckett wasnae able ta do what needed doin'. Rather than just stunnin' him, Michael took his side-arm and shot him in cold blood."

Sarah closed her eyes, trying not to allow the images in her mind to affect her. _Her_ Carson was still alive, still here with her. But there had been so many similarities between Carson and Beckett that she'd started seeing Beckett as Carson's twin brother. It felt as if she'd lost a family member, too. "Carson, I'm so sorry." Her voice broke on the last word, and she drew in a breath. "I'm supposed to be back in Marine Biology, but I needed to stop by."

Carson rose and pulled her into his arms. "He gave me his last wishes. An' I intend ta honor them."

Sarah looked up into his eyes. "I would expect nothing less."

"Would ye go wi' me?"

The question, sounding so broken, challenged her determination to keep her emotions contained. "I'd love to, Carson."

He hugged her then, clinging to her form as if she could provide him with the strength he needed. When she did head back to Marine Biology, Sarah decided that she would take no grief from Kleinfeld for the amount of time she'd spent in the infirmary. As it was, Kleinfeld wasn't even around, having left for a mission to the mainland. Sarah spent the remainder of her day looking busy while working to find the strength Carson needed her to have.

oOo

Jennifer did the autopsy on Beckett, freeing Carson to track down Amanda. When they'd brought the body back from the mission, Amanda had run from the infirmary with her hand over her mouth and a decidedly green tint to her face. He wound up having to contact Major Lorne, who had started a discrete relationship with her, to find her. Lorne suggested several hiding places, and Carson found her in the reading lab, curled into a chair and weeping.

The sound of her sobs broke his heart. He knew she was grieving for more than just Beckett's death. She still carried the guilt over his accident, and he'd seen it when she refused to leave the infirmary although she had a migraine. His own emotional pain aside, he needed to try to heal the wound that had festered for too long.

Amanda startled at his touch, blinking up at him. She stood and launched herself into his arms, crying on his shoulder. It wasn't like Sarah, who wept silently, and Carson rubbed Amanda's back as she hiccupped and sobbed until there weren't any more tears left. "Feel better?"

"No." She let him go, turning her back to him and looking out the window. "I'm sorry I left the infirmary. It's just that. . . .Seeing _him_ brought in like that reminded me of. . . ."

Carson moved to her side. "Aye, I understand."

"No, Carson, you don't." She shook her head. "I slept through the entire thing. I went to bed thankful you were there to cover for me and woke up to you in a coma, barely alive. And I can't help but think that it should have been me."

He didn't say anything.

"I know you're thinking that you're glad it wasn't me." She sighed deeply. "But I'm not. You went through all that pain and the time away and re-learning to walk and everything because I had a migraine."

"Aye, an' did ye ever think that I'm glad I did?"

She blinked at him. "_Excuse_ me?"

Carson took her shoulders. "Amanda, if it wasn't for ye, I would never have met Sarah."

"Yes, you would have."

"Okay, yes I would have." He shook his head. "But I would have been healthy. Chief of Medicine. I would have pushed her away and missed the best thing to ever happen to me."

Amanda giggled, a sign of how emotionally exhausted she was. "You were just in your office crying, Carson. How can you go from heartbroken to love-struck inside of five minutes?"

He glanced at his watch. "Sorry ta break it to ye, love, but it's been forty minutes."

She smacked his shoulder. "That's not the point!" Her face crumbled. "How do you move on?"

Carson smiled. "I allowed someone ta help me move on."

"You mean Sarah?"

"Aye." He met her eyes. "An' Major Lorne would help ye if ye allowed him. I'm certain he'd welcome ye to his office if ye would trust him enough ta see what you're feelin'."

She thought about that for a few moments, and Carson watched the expressions cross her face. Finally, she nodded. "Thanks, Carson."

"You're welcome." He watched her leave the reading lab with a smile on his face, knowing that some good had come of this horrible day. A headache settled behind his eyes, though, and he turned to look out the window while he absorbed the impact the last few days had had on him.

oOo

Less than forty-eight hours later, Colonel Sheppard disappeared. Carson listened to the news with a stoic expression, his emotions somewhat deadened by the multiple hits of the last few days. He and Sarah had spent the last several nights together, neither one pushing for physical intimacy but neither one wanting to be alone. Carson knew that Amanda and Major Lorne had also grown closer, a result of the emotional stress that he gladly observed. The search for Teyla continued, but the loss of Colonel Sheppard was almost to much for the beleaguered city to handle.

Finally, Carson walked into Rodney's lab after making a firm decision. "Alright, let's go."

McKay looked up from where he still worked. "Go where?"

"The mainland." Carson shrugged. "We're takin' a fishin' trip."

"What? Now?"

"Aye, now." Carson shook his head. "Colonel Sheppard's been gone for days, no one has any intel on his or Teyla's whereabouts, and you're workin' yourself into an early grave tryin' ta figure it out."

"Well, I'm sorry for caring!"

"Aye, an' so am I," Carson rejoined almost cheerfully. He placed both hands on the table holding Rodney's computer and equipment. "I've just come from talkin' with Colonel Carter. She's worried that you're not sleepin' or eatin'. And you seem ta be the only one who doesn't have an outlet. I've got her approval, an' she's promised me that she won't do anythin' until we're able ta get back to the city. So, pack it up. As your doctor, I'm intervenin'. Let's go."

Rodney stared at him, anger flitting across his face as he considered disobeying Carson's orders. Carson hated pulling the Chief of Medicine card on Rodney, but he wanted to find Sheppard as much as anyone else. "Come on, Rodney. It's just a couple of hours. You'll eat, rest, an' come back refreshed."

"So you say," McKay muttered as he sullenly walked around the edge of the table. "On one condition. I bring my tablet."

"Will ye be workin' from it?"

"What do you think?"

"Then, no."

"Carson!"

"Rodney, the point is to _relax_."

"And this is how I relax!" Rodney waved a hand at the lab. "I don't know how to relax without all of this."

Carson let out a longsuffering sigh. "You ignore the world, enjoy nature, and just let go for a bit."

"I don't know how to do that."

"Learn." Carson walked out of the lab. "One hour." He grinned when he heard Rodney mumbling under his breath.

In truth, Carson's take-charge attitude was more bluff than reality. He didn't want to leave Atlantis, either, but Rodney's mental health concerned him. The physicist had an almost obsessed mentality with finding Colonel Sheppard and Teyla. He was grieving for the loss of their friends, and nothing else had broken through. Jennifer didn't seem to mind too terribly, and Carson figured the two of them could use the break from reality for just a couple of hours. It wouldn't bring Sheppard back, and it wouldn't help find Teyla. But it would clear their heads enough that they could do just that.

An hour later, Carson flew the Jumper toward the mainland with a reluctant Rodney sitting in the copilot's seat. Once at the fishing hole he'd chosen over a year ago, Carson carried out his tackle and gear, leaving McKay to follow grudgingly with a ridiculous umbrella, sunscreen, and lounge chair. Ignoring his friend, Carson set up his gear and smiled as he thought about that wonderful day at Loch Kishorn. He and Sarah planned to visit again after fulfilling Beckett's last wishes, and he looked forward to sharing the beauty of Scotland with her once more.

The fishing trip passed in blissful silence as McKay promptly fell asleep in his lounge chair. Carson glanced over at his exhausted friend, thankful that this trip had the desired effect. He felt a tug on his line and pulled in a beautiful space trout. Last night, when he'd mentioned this trip to her, Sarah had asked if he'd bring back some samples. She apparently had no qualms about saving the fish, and he looked forward to seeing her again that evening. These last few days had shown him what the rest of his life could be, and he began considering all of the possibilities while he caught three more fish. Seeing that he had enough for their dinner meal and the Marine Biology department, Carson woke Rodney and flew him back to the city. As the physicist disappeared into his lab, Carson took care of the fish and then cleaned up for the evening.

Ten days later, Sheppard returned with the craziest tale. He'd been sent forty-eight-thousand years into the future, and he seemed to grin every time he glanced at Carson or Sarah. Sam had isolated him at first, insisting that Carson prove he wasn't another clone. And, when that happened, Sheppard happily went to the mess hall for dinner. Ronon, McKay, Carson, and Sarah joined him, happy to have a portion of their missing family returned.

Though they didn't have much time between their rushed meal and the next mission, Sheppard again glanced between Carson and Sarah and grinned. Carson could take it no longer. "What?"

"What what?" Sheppard asked, stuffing another bite of food into his mouth.

"Every time ye look at us, ye grin." Carson glared. "What is it?"

"Oh, nothing." Sheppard shook his head. Then, he seemed to think better of his decision to tell them nothing. "Doc, do me a favor. Take care of her, okay?"

Carson exchanged a surprised glance with Sarah. "Of course." He frowned. "What happened out there?"

John shook his head. "I'm not goin' into it. Let's just say, though, that I'm really glad the two of you had each other."

Carson blinked but dropped the subject. As soon as Sheppard finished his meal, he and his team gated off world yet again—this time to find Teyla. One of the things Sheppard had learned in the future was her location, and Carson hoped he'd see her very soon. He and Sarah met late that night on their balcony, both of them curious over Sheppard's words.

Sarah decided to open the conversation that night without their normal kiss. "About what Sheppard said."

"Aye, ye picked up on that." Carson wasn't surprised. "I'll admit, love, that my mind has gone from where we're at now to the future."

"Mine, too."

Carson glanced at her. "I'm not proposin' now, no matter what ye think. But ye should know it's comin'."

She grinned. "Carson, if you didn't, I would. When the time is right."

They stared at the stars for a long time, talking about previous changes in their lives. For the first time since Beckett's death, Carson was able to articulate what the loss meant to him. And he was thrilled when Sarah simply nodded and didn't try to console him. The time for consolation had passed, and he needed to get this out before they could keep going as a couple. For just a few moments, life stopped enough for them to enjoy one another.

Then, it all came crashing back down.

~TBC


	29. Chapter 29

**Author's Note:** Okay, I believe I have responded to all reviews. The link in my email was giving me fits, and the link for replies wasn't working. So, if I have not responded to a review for the previous chapter, please forgive me. Know that I appreciate every single one of your reviews. ~lg

oOo

"Control Room to Dr. Beckett." The call startled him out of his thoughts. Carson touched the radio in his ear.

"This is Dr. Beckett." His standard greeting made him think of his clone, and he pushed aside the residual sadness that would likely linger for a good long time.

"Colonel Carter is about to head off world to assist Colonel Sheppard. She asked that you and your team be ready to accompany her."

"Right." Carson closed that channel and looked around. "I need Dr. Keller and her team to prepare with me. Dr. Cole, you're in charge until we get back."

The infirmary staff went into action, each one having drilled for this possibility. It happened more often than Carson cared to admit, and he watched the activity with pride. It felt great to have such a wonderful staff. Touching the radio again, he said, "Dr. Beckett to Dr. MacKenzie."

After a brief lull, Sarah's voice echoed in his ear. "Go ahead."

Carson grinned at the surprise in her voice. "I just wanted ta tell ye that I'm headin' off world to assist Colonel Sheppard. I'm not entirely certain when I'll be back."

"Understood." She paused yet again. "Carson?"

"Aye?"

"Be safe."

He caught the underlying message in those words. _Don't __get __hurt__—__or __worse._ "You have my word, love."

Ending the conversation, he allowed his focus to narrow and his training to take over. Less than thirty minutes later, he crowded into a Jumper along with Jennifer's team and flew through the Stargate to a planet where one of Michael's compounds had collapsed, trapping Sheppard's team and Lorne's team. All of this information came as they reached the site of the collapse, and Carson took a moment to survey the damage. Night had fallen, and structural engineers set up spotlights so that they'd have time to work. Carter and Jennifer walked the rubble, and Jennifer stopped and tilted her head. "Listen."

Carter exchanged a glance and then dropped to her knees. "McKay? Is that you?"

Carson hurried over in time to hear McKay reply, "Oh, thank God! Yes! I'm trapped down here with Lorne!"

"Are you okay?" Carter called.

"We're fine!" McKay's voice trailed off for just a moment. "Okay, Lorne's got a broken leg!"

"Alright, McKay, stay put." Carter waved over her shoulder. "We've got combat engineers here. We're gonna dig you out."

"Well, hurry up!"

"We'll work as fast as is safe, Rodney!" Carter sounded a bit frustrated.

"No, no, no, you don't understand." McKay's muffled voice was hard to be understood. "I just found out that when the self-destruct is initiated, it's automatically programmed to send a subspace burst. Michael's probably on his way."

Carson let out a breath as he moved to the side. Alicia Vega took a few more scans, and the conversation turned to the other two life signs. There was no way to tell who they were, but Carson hoped and prayed it was Colonel Sheppard and Ronon. He didn't want to recover Teyla only to tell her that those two people had been lost. As Carson prepared to treat the injured, Carter sent a Jumper into orbit to keep an eye out for Michael's ship. Carson watched the man go and revised his prayers. He hoped they found Colonel Sheppard and Ronon alive _before_ Michael arrived.

oOo

Lorne came out of that hole with a broken leg, just like McKay had said. Allowing Jennifer the liberty of looking over McKay, Carson splinted the major's leg before helping him to the Jumper. In true Pegasus fashion, Michael arrived at the _worst_ possible moment, sending them scurrying for the cover of cloaked Jumpers. Once in orbit, Carson allowed Jennifer, Carter, and McKay to discuss their situation while he set Lorne's leg. The break wasn't a bad one, but it would take some time to heal up. Carson ironically thought that Lorne had his own personal doctor waiting back on Atlantis to help him get through this.

Things went from bad to worse when Carter convinced Caldwell, who arrived a short time later, to lower the _Daedalus's _shields and beam Sheppard and Ronon on board. The relief Carson felt when he heard those two names was palpable in the Jumper. The pilot maneuvered the Jumper on board the _Daedalus_ while shields were down, and Carson gave terse instructions to his team regarding Major Lorne before making a beeline for the infirmary. He found the infirmary staff swarming Sheppard and fighting with Ronon.

Carson waded into the fray. "Ronon, lad, just let them look at ye."

Ronon batted away the hand of the _Daedalus's_ CMO. "Not until I know what's goin' on with Sheppard."

Carson looked at the Chief of Medicine on the ship, heard the soft "please," and immediately turned to Colonel Sheppard. He let his eyes rove the man's side, seeing the severe injuries through his off-world gear. "Colonel."

"Doc."

"We thought we'd lost ye."

Sheppard nodded. "Yeah, well, for a second _I_ thought we'd lost me. It's gonna be okay, though, right?"

"Aye." Carson nodded. "You need surgery, but you should pull through this."

"So, what's going on?" Sheppard looked around, giving Ronon a glare when the Satedan again snarked at Keller. Ronon returned the glare but settled in so that Jennifer could treat his wounds. "I guess Michael showed up before the _Daedalus_, huh?"

Carson nodded, peeling the man's TAC vest from his side and taking a closer look at the scans provided by the ship's doctor. "Aye," he said distractedly. "We had ta lower shields ta beam the pair o' ya up here."

"Sorry about that." Sheppard grimaced when he touched a tender spot.

"I'm sure Rodney and Carter will be able to fix it."

Sheppard blinked. "McKay's alive?"

"Aye," Carson replied with a smile. It felt good to say that one word. His smile faded. "He and Major Lorne were the only two to make it."

Sheppard took a moment to think about the losses. "Patch me up. I need to get back out there."

"I very well will _not_ patch ye up!" Carson glared at the man, horrified he'd even suggested it. "Ye need surgery and a blood transfusion! I willnae be allowin' ye ta leave this infirmary!"

"Look, Doc, Michael's here." Sheppard met Carson's eyes. "That means Teyla's probably on that ship. I'm too close to sit here and do nothing."

"You won't be sittin' around, lad," Carson said. "You'll be lyin' there, in surgery."

"Look, there's gotta be. . . ." He tried to sit up and couldn't manage, sinking back into the bed with a roll of his eyes. "There's gotta be a quick fix."

"No!"

"Carson." Sheppard took hold of his friend's shoulder. "I had this chance with Ford, and I didn't take it. I almost didn't get this chance with you. I'm _not_ letting this be one of those times."

Carson folded his arms, unwilling to admit that the colonel's words had gotten through his irritation. Now, he was irritated at himself for even considering it. "There _might_ be a way. An' it's dangerous."

"Well, I'll take it."

"That device Rodney used on me." Carson shook his head. "I brought it back with me ta study, an' it's in my pack."

"You packed it?"

"Aye," Carson admitted with a sheepish expression. "I honestly don't know wha' I was thinkin'. It nearly killed me. But, it might do just enough ta keep ye alive while we go off on this insane mission."

"We?"

"I'm not allowin ye ta go after Teyla in your condition without a doctor with ye." Carson nodded across the way. "Jennifer can handle things up here."

Sheppard grinned slightly. "Let's get to it, Doc.

Carson reached for his pack and pulled out the device. He couldn't believe he'd even packed the thing, much less suggested it. It wouldn't solve Sheppard's problems, but it would heal up enough of the wound that he wouldn't bleed out before major surgery could be done. Praying one treatment didn't cause too many problems, Carson started the device and, against all of his medical training, helped a friend rescue a friend.

oOo

A short time later, Carson followed Sheppard, McKay, and Ronon through Michael's cruiser. He was concerned for the colonel, who was still in a great deal of pain. But that device had healed up the bleeding. The rest of the damage. . . .Well, Carson just hoped he'd made the right call.

"John?" The call startled him, and he blinked at the wall. Sheppard had just taken out two hybrids that came to meet them.

Sheppard stopped at the door. "We're gonna get you out of here."

"Not a moment too soon!" Teyla replied. McKay fiddled with the door panel, opening it in time for them to see Teyla struggling to rise from a bench. Carson's eyes swept her from head to toe, taking in the pained expression, sweat, and the way she held her back.

Ronon rushed over to her. "We're gonna get you back to the Jumper." He caught her as she collapsed, crying out as a contraction hit.

"Dear Lord!" Carson whispered. "It's the baby."

Sheppard looked concerned. "What, is something wrong?"

Teyla shook her head as Ronon eased her to the ground. "No. I have been having contractions for over an hour now. They're very close. My baby's coming!"

Carson moved to her side, already shedding the heavy pack he'd carried. "Right. Teyla, love, I need you ta take it easy. I'm here, now, an' we're gonna take care o' ye."

She gasped for breath and nodded at his calm words. "I am sorry. I just need a moment."

"No apologies," Carson told her seriously. He ran a scanner over her, seeing how far along she'd progressed. Thinking that Ancient technology made some things a bit easier, he turned to Sheppard. "She's stable for now. I think we can move her to the Jumper. Ronon, if you please?"

Ronon nodded and looked at Teyla. "Okay, you ready?"

"No, I can walk." Teyla breathed deeply. "I just need a moment."

"Uh, say, friends?" McKay's voice stopped the stressed reunion. "We have a small issue here."

Sheppard frowned, irritated. "Oh, what _now_?"

"Looks like Michael's got his hyperdrive back online." McKay stared at them. "It's powering up."

"Can you shut it down?" Sheppard asked.

"Well, not from _this_ little thing," McKay answered, waving the tablet in his hands. "Look, the drive room is just down the corridor. You slap a C4 charge on that thing, it should certainly shut it down."

Sheppard nodded once. "Where?"

"Here. I have a map." Rodney typed into his tablet and gave it to Sheppard.

The colonel took it abruptly. "Alright. Ronon, you're with me."

The Satedan turned to Teyla. "I'll be right back. Everything's gonna be fine." He glanced at Rodney and Carson. "Take care of her."

"Aye," Carson agreed.

Teyla gasped in pain, and Carson started setting out his medical kit. This baby was coming faster than he'd anticipated, and he wanted to be prepared.

McKay moved to her side. "So, how you doing?"

"The pain is very great!" Teyla closed her eyes as another contraction arrived. Carson gently warned her and then did a quick check for how far she'd progressed. She slid further into a reclined position when a second contraction followed closely. Carson continued scanning, snapping on his sterile gloves and keeping a calm face. He talked to her constantly, though what he said was lost in a haze of pain.

Rodney, however, wasn't so calm. He knelt next to Teyla. "Okay. Just—just—just breathe, okay?" Then, he started panting in a very un-Lamaze-like way. If the circumstances hadn't been so dire, Carson would have laughed.

"What are you _doing_?" Teyla demanded.

Rodney's panicked look grew. "Well, it's Lamaze. It's supposed to help with the. . . .Look, I don't _know_ what I'm doing. What do you _need_ me to do?" Right then, another contraction took hold, and Teyla grabbed his hand. Carson could have sworn he'd heard fingers pop with how tightly she squeezed. Rodney's face contorted, but he didn't scream. "Okay, there, there." He spoke through gritted teeth. "There, there you are." He patted her hand. "There, there."

Teyla turned to Carson. "The baby is coming!"

"Aye," he said calmly. "I was hopin' we could put this off until we got you to the _Daedalus_."

She shook her head. "No. The baby is coming _now_."

Carson moved to prepare, pointing to Rodney. "Get behind her and help support her." Rodney's panicked expression changed from out-of-control to thankful someone was there who knew what was happening. Carson pulled off his jacket and met Teyla's eyes. "When the next contraction hits, I want ye ta push."

She nodded and bore down almost immediately. Rodney's face scrunched up along with her, but he supported her and was there to soften her landing when she fell back against the bench. Carson kept his eyes on Teyla's for a moment. "You're doin' great, love. Just a couple more pushes, an' you'll be done."

Another contraction built, and Teyla bore down again, gritting her teeth and wailing through them. The circumstances surrounding the birth, their surroundings, and everything else disappeared when, another contraction later, Carson delivered Teyla's child into the world. He grinned immediately and went to work cutting the umbilical cord and wrapping him in his jacket. "Teyla, meet your son."

She smiled as Carson laid him in her arms, and the doctor's attention shifted to the man next to her. "Rodney?"

McKay looked up, his face pale. "I'm good." It reminded Carson of the time they'd barely escaped a super-volcano.

The door to the lab opened, Sheppard and Ronon rushing through. In all of the excitement, Carson hadn't felt the explosion of the hyperdrive being destroyed. Now, Sheppard skidded to a stop. "Wow!"

McKay glanced between them. "And I helped! Well, Carson did the actual delivering, but I helped!"

Teyla actually chuckled. "He did a wonderful job."

_Aye, __for __a __pillow,_ Carson thought. He grinned again as he finished cleaning the area as best as possible and started packing up the supplies. He'd need to sterilize everything when they arrived back on the _Daedalus_, but this moment was worth it. Teyla smiled up at Ronon and John, proudly presenting her son.

Sheppard nodded as Ronon moved to Teyla's side to look at her newborn child. "That's good. That's. . .you did good, Rodney. Alright. We need to get you out of here."

Teyla looked up at the Satedan. "Ronon, you may need to help me."

Carson followed the motley group out the door, shaking his head at the turn of events. He'd anticipated assisting Jennifer with the birth of Teyla's child, not actually delivering the child. As they rushed back toward the Jumper, they met up with Kanaan, the father of the child, and Teyla convinced him to join them. Even losing the Jumper, while troubling, couldn't keep his thoughts from what had just occurred. He'd just seen a baby born! Even as an experienced doctor, the high that brought was incredible. He often saw death, disease, and injury. Seeing a new life was beyond anything he could have imagined.

oOo

"Dr. MacKenzie?" Kleinfeld's voice startled Sarah out of her concentration. She looked up from her work to see him standing next to her, a sheepish expression on his face. "Colonel Carter is requesting your assistance in the infirmary. The _Daedalus_ just arrived back with an overload of injuries, and they're short-handed."

Sarah blinked and nodded. "Of course." She saved her work and headed for the door without another word.

The infirmary was in a state of controlled chaos. Major Lorne was on a bed, his leg being casted by Jennifer while Amanda checked Rodney. The two doctors kept glancing at the opposite men, and Sarah had to smile at that. Her smile faded, however, when she saw Carson. He wore his white lab coat and was calmly orchestrating the entire thing. But his limp was more pronounced, and she blinked when he reached for his cane as he moved across the infirmary. He hadn't seen her, giving her a chance to study him. The dark circles under his eyes showed his exhaustion, as did the limp, but he looked focused. And a smile touched his face every time he glanced toward Teyla.

Sarah heard her name and turned to see that Jennifer had finished with Major Lorne. The doctor pointed. "We've got the less critically wounded in that area. I think Carson needed help with stitching cuts and other minor injuries."

Sarah nodded and went to work. For the next three hours, she stitched minor cuts, applied ointment to burns, and in general made certain the less-wounded were treated. A medic from the _Daedalus_, sent down by the ship's CMO to get some bruised ribs checked out since the scanning technology on the ship had been damaged, followed Sarah, providing a helping hand and making sure she stayed supplied with coffee as the hour grew late. Carson worked tirelessly, making sure that each person who needed his care was given adequate time. He finally disappeared into surgery with Colonel Sheppard after giving Sarah a warm smile.

An hour later, Sarah smiled at the woman helping her. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Karen, the medic, returned the smile, looking pale and weak.

Sarah frowned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Karen waved a hand. "I'm just. . . ." Her voice trailed off as she collapsed, creating a stir when she crashed into a metal cart.

Sarah blinked and dropped to her knees, turning Karen onto her back. Jennifer came running at the sound, and she promptly took over the situation. "Let's get her under a scanner."

Sarah nodded and helped lift Karen onto a gurney. A few moments later, she stared over Jennifer's shoulder as the scan revealed internal bleeding. It wasn't bad, just a slow bleed that had built up over the course of the last few hours. "Oh, Jennifer, I am so sorry! She told me she'd hit her ribs and bruised them. I didn't think anything of it!"

Jennifer put a hand on Sarah's arm. "It's okay. I understand. But, right now, I need to get her into surgery."

"Right." Sarah took a steadying breath and climbed into scrubs. Marie was assisting Carson with Colonel Sheppard's surgery, and Sarah smiled gratefully at another medic from the _Daedalus_, this one thankfully unscathed, who joined her as they prepped Karen for her operation. It took several hours, and Sarah was thoroughly exhausted by then. A glance at her watch told her it had passed midnight hours ago, and she'd not noticed. Now, with caffeine leaving her system, the adrenaline wearing off, and Karen comfortably situated in a bed, Sarah felt the headache that she'd ignored. She had put in nearly a full day in Marine Biology before being called here. Taking a few moments to sit down, she folded her arms on the workbench and laid her head down. As soon as her eyes closed, she started drifting.

A warm hand on her waist woke her. Sarah blinked the grit away and looked into Carson's tired eyes. He smiled. "Ye should go get some rest, love."

"I'll be fine, Carson." She straightened, stretching back muscles that ached.

His hand traveled up her back, and he took a few moments to rub the knotted muscles. "Aye, I know ye will. But the work is done, an' things are slowin' down. Go get some rest."

Sarah heard the order in the tone. He'd said it softly, with that wonderfully warm hint of something more between them, but he was a doctor. And he had just kicked her out of his infirmary. For some reason, it endeared him to her. "Okay," she agreed. "But I want to check on Karen, first."

"Karen?" He blinked, completely nonplussed.

Sarah pointed and, in a soft voice, explained what had happened. Carson accompanied her to Karen's side, quickly reading the monitors and deciding that the medic would live to fight another day. Finally, he escorted Sarah to the infirmary door with a gentle hand on her elbow, promising to join her in a bit. He wanted to wait until he was certain Sheppard would be okay.

Beyond exhausted, Sarah trudged toward her quarters. Being back in the infirmary, even if only temporarily, had been absolutely wonderful. She had no doubt that she'd go back to nursing one day, perhaps if Carson ever decided to open his own private practice, but she knew she couldn't work there all the time. Not with their relationship such as it was. Deciding to stop thinking about everything for a few moments, Sarah reached her quarters, climbed into pajamas, and crawled into bed.

She woke briefly when Carson arrived. He tiredly tossed his radio on the bedside table next to hers and slipped under the covers. Sarah rolled into his side, positioning her head on his shoulder as his arms wrapped around her in the same way they had for the last week. The two of them fell asleep immediately, worn out from the battle but thankful that their friends had been returned to them, safe and sound.

~TBC


	30. Chapter 30

**Author's****Note:** Alright, folks, here it is. The final chapter. There's a tissue warning for this chapter, as well as a warning about fluff and emotion. But would it be one of my stories if it didn't have fluff? Thank you to each and every one of you who read and stayed with me through this incredible journey. The idea of Carson having survived Sunday was one that I felt needed to be written, and it was an amazing road that he and Sarah took to get to this point. There is the faint possibility of a sequel, but I am making no guarantees at this point in time. As always, thanks to **theicemenace** and **pisces317** who patiently beta'd even when I overloaded their email inboxes with multiple chapters at a time. Another special thanks to **pisces317** for allowing me to use and explore the character of Sarah MacKenzie. I hope this ending ties up all the loose ends for you. Enjoy! ~lg

oOo

Four weeks passed before Sarah and Carson were able to head back to Earth. In that time, their relationship grew as they explored the permanence they both wanted. He had yet to propose, but Sarah knew it was only a matter of time. Carter was recalled, but she stopped long enough to tell Sarah goodbye. It spoke of the friendship they'd managed to forge, and Sarah knew she'd miss the colonel's smiling face in the control room.

Just days after Woolsey's arrival on Atlantis, Jennifer was overcome with a strange organism that caused tendrils to grow from her body. Carson isolated her and tried to remove them, but it reacted so badly that he didn't want to make any other incisions. Then, he was isolated along with everyone else who was on the planet with Michael's lab. Sarah missed Carson for that night, having grown accustomed to his presence next to her as she slept. By the next day, however, Amanda had figured out what had happened. Another day later, she had an antidote created and tested on Colonel Sheppard. Sarah arrived shortly after Carson's treatment, amazed to see the restraints being removed from the bed. He assured her that everything was fine, that the antidote created violent seizures and had caused a brief moment of panic.

Finally, they were allowed to return to Earth. They walked through the gate hand-in-hand, Carson carefully carrying the bag that had the last remains of his clone in it. For a part of their journey, they'd travel to the Applecross Mountains and fulfill his last wishes. Sarah wasn't looking forward to that, but she put off thinking about it until after the first portion of their trip.

They arrived in New York City six hours after walking through the wormhole. Sarah hailed a cab, and Carson stared in amazement as she escorted him to the penthouse where her brother and father waited. At least, she hoped her father waited for them. BC had already responded to the email she'd sent a week ago, and she'd been thrilled that he had come to New York for the weekend.

Now, he opened the door with a smile for his sister. He wore a blue button-down shirt and slacks, and his eyes were clear. Unlike last time. He greeted her with a smile before turning to the man behind her. "You must be Carson."

"Aye." Carson shook BC's hand. "Sarah's told me a lot about ye."

For just a moment, BC held Carson's gaze, and Sarah considered calling him on it. But it passed, and her brother invited the two of them inside. "I've got everything ready, but Father won't be home for a while, yet. He left twenty minutes ago to an 'emergency meeting' with some clients."

Sarah rolled her eyes, but the normal anger she felt didn't well up like it once had. Life in Atlantis had helped tame her, as had Carson's influence. "Well, we'll be here when he gets back."

"Of course." BC headed for the kitchen, leaving Sarah to escort Carson down the hall and into her room.

Once there, he took her into his arms, apologizing for her father's absence. Sarah nodded and shrugged. "You wanted to meet my family."

"Aye." He grinned. "An' I must say that I like your brother."

"BC's great!" Sarah stood on her tip-toes to kiss him. "I'm glad you came."

"Me, too."

That evening passed in quiet laughter when, true to form, Sarah's father never appeared. BC ordered pizza, and the three of them spent the hours telling stories from their youth. Carson had Sarah and BC in stitches as he told some of the scrapes he and his brothers had gotten into as lads. She hadn't heard _these _stories yet, and they left her hardly able to breathe. As he told one, she gasped for air. "Prince Charming?"

"Aye!" Carson chuckled. "Like in the story with the frog?"

BC looked at her. "I never thought about chasing you with a frog, insisting you kiss him!"

"Because I would have _killed_ you!" Sarah rejoined.

BC pointed and nodded at Carson. "And she would have!"

The front door opened in the middle of that laughter, and Benjamin Cooper walked in. He took one look at the three adults sprawled on the furniture, the pizza box on the coffee table, and glared. "What's all this?"

Carson's smile disappeared as fast as it took the _Daedalus_ to enter hyperspace. He rose along with Sarah as she gave her father a shrug. "Hello, Father."

Benjamin blinked at her. "I didn't think I'd be seeing _you_ again."

"Well, you thought wrong." Sarah met his eyes. "I had someone I wanted you to meet."

Benjamin glanced at Carson, dismissing him with a wave. "In a moment." He turned the force of his glare to his son. "What's this I hear about your decision to change your major in school?"

Caught on either side of BC, Carson and Sarah exchanged glances. Sarah shook her head slightly, indicating that they both needed to stay out of this. BC sensed the awkwardness and moved to get out from between the two of them. "That's right." He held up his chin. "I made my own decision."

"Without consulting me." Benjamin dropped his briefcase next to the couch. "I had to find out from my partners that you'd done so."

"If you had been home tonight, Father, I would have told you myself!" BC's voice shook slightly, and Sarah pinched the bridge of her nose. She hated seeing her brother facing her father's ire, preferring to protect her younger sibling, but she was proud of the way he stood up to Benjamin.

"I had an important meeting to attend." Benjamin glared.

"You _always_ have important meetings, Father," BC said. "For once, I was hoping your daughter's appearance, along with a guest, would wake you up to the fact that we have lives, too!"

Benjamin's jaw worked, but he didn't say anything else to BC as he turned to Sarah. The anger still hadn't faded from his face as he met her eyes. "Sarah?"

"Father." She motioned. "This is Dr. Carson Beckett."

Carson moved forward with his hand extended, and Benjamin's eyes dropped to his leg. Without doing much more than noticing the limp that Carson barely showed, he turned to Sarah. "You can do better."

Carson blinked in shock.

Sarah's jaw dropped. "Excuse me?"

"Aye, you're right!" Carson's voice, normally warm and comforting, had cooled considerably and now cut the shocked silence. He stepped between Sarah and her father, and she recognized the rage burning inside of him. "She could do better than me. I know it. An' I'm forever reminded of it when I look at her. But she made her choice on her own, Mr. MacKenzie. Your daughter is a beautiful, intelligent young woman with a bright future ahead o' her. An' she's got that no thanks ta ye. If ye were concerned at all with _who_ she is rather than _what_ she's done, then ye'd see that!"

"You have no business coming into _my_ home and telling me how to treat my children!" Benjamin seethed.

"Aye, you're right," Carson agreed again. "I likely don't. But that willnae stop me from sayin' my piece. I came here ta meet ye, ta ask ye for your blessin' ta marry your daughter. I'd hoped ta build a friendship with ye, no matter what the past might have been. But you're too blind ta see what amazin', wonderful children ye have!"

"How _dare_ you. . . ." Benjamin took one step toward Carson, his hand balling into a fist.

Sarah moved quickly, placing her body physically between her father and the man she loved. "Do it, Father, and you'll never see me again." The ultimatum hung in the air as Sarah and Carson glared at Benjamin. This wasn't the evening she'd hoped for, but she wasn't surprised it had taken this turn. She'd tried to contact her father from the SGC, but his receptionist had apparently not given him the message. "Besides, if you took time to look at your messages at work, you'd know I called you _hours_ ago to arrange this evening."

Benjamin glared for a bit longer before storming down the hallway and into his office. He never slammed the door, but the sound of it closing cut through Sarah's happiness. She felt the tears pressing behind her eyes, and Carson's gentle hand on her shoulder was almost more than she could take. "Carson, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, love." He hugged her, the tension in his body telling her that he needed to work out his anger on his own terms.

BC moved from his spot to gather up the pizza boxes. "Well, I don't know about the two of you, but I'll get a hotel for the rest of the night." He stomped into the kitchen and then went to pack his bags.

Sarah looked up at Carson. His eyes no longer held the merriment of earlier that evening, but they were gentle when he looked at her. "What do you want to do, Carson?"

He glanced down the hall. "Right now, find a place we can be alone." He shook his head. "I know ye tried ta tell me, an' I'm sorry I didn't believe ye."

She put a finger over his lips. "I've lived with this my entire life. I'll be okay."

He was still frustrated, but he helped Sarah gather their things. They left after BC informed Benjamin of their plans. They received nothing in response from a man who had so closed his life to others that he couldn't see the destruction he'd brought on his children. That night, Carson held Sarah while she cried, and she knew she likely wouldn't see her father again for a very long time.

oOo

The Applecross Mountains never failed to amaze Sarah with their beauty. Of course, she'd returned to a country she'd missed since leaving Carson to go to Atlantis, but that joy was overshadowed by what they'd come to do. Carson had insisted on hiking to this campsite, and he now stood in a clearing, holding an urn he'd acquired years ago from an off-world mission. It was cold, but spring had started coming to Scotland. The breeze ruffled their hair, and Sarah buried her hands in her pockets while Carson slowly opened the urn.

The ashes of his clone scattered on the wind.

Sarah watched them go, tears in her eyes as she marveled that she could feel such grief for a man she hadn't known. Of course, he'd been as much Carson Beckett as _her_ Carson was, but his life was so wasted. He'd spent it in Michael's custody, working against his will just to try to save lives. The staggering cost of Michael's campaign against the Pegasus galaxy weighed on her as she watched those ashes drift away. In bringing Beckett's remains home, she and Carson had fulfilled his final request. She hoped that, should he have ascended without them knowing about it, he was at peace with what they'd done. And she promised his memory that they would bring Michael to justice.

Carson turned after he'd emptied the urn, his tears flowing unchecked as he stared at her. Sarah didn't say a word but walked directly into his arms. The two of them stood there, ignoring the cold as they grieved together for a wasted life.

oOo

Their arrival in St. Andrews the next day was as opposite from the greeting they'd received in New York as the Sahara was from the North Pole. Moira Beckett met them at the door of her home, hugging them simultaneously. Carson laughed with his mum and kissed her cheek before turning to embrace Kenneth. His brother and his fiancee smiled broadly, and Sarah stepped into Kenneth's arms for a hug. Inside, Calum waited with his family. Catriona stared uncertainly at Sarah until Sarah knelt and offered the stuffed bear she'd bought when she and Carson stopped for lunch. The toddler then adopted her and started calling her "Auntie" by the end of the night.

The next few days passed in a flurry of excitement as the family made final preparations for Kenneth's wedding. Sarah and Moira spent hours talking and working in the garden, the elder woman's warmth a healing touch that Sarah needed after the recent confrontation with her father. She even told Moira about BC and her father, ending the story with how happy she'd been that Carson was there to intervene before things got out of hand. And they would have had he not quietly put her father in his place.

The day of the wedding, Sarah slipped into the chapel Kenneth and his bride had chosen for their nuptials and allowed Carson's eldest nephew to escort her to her seat beside Moira. Kenneth had asked all of his brothers to stand up with him, and Carson would be the last to appear as the best man. Sarah looked forward to that sight as he'd been swept out of their room earlier that morning and caught up in the celebration events. Late the night before, he'd come to bed laughing about the bachelor party and sleepily commented that he hated to think what Sheppard and Ronon would do for his. Sarah had chuckled at that and then stared at the ceiling after he started softly snoring on his pillow. Either he'd been too drunk to care what he said, or he'd forgotten that he hadn't officially proposed just yet. Probably the former, given the way that Kenneth had talked to his fiancee about the bachelor party. And, with six brothers, the Beckett family knew how to throw a bachelor party.

Now, though, she smoothed the skirt on her rich blue gown. She'd found it in New York before they'd flown to Scotland, and the way Carson's eyes had lit when she'd modeled it for him told her it was the right one for her. The sleek, one-shouldered affair had a sparkling inset that wound around her waist and down to the bottom of the skirt, leaving Carson's eyes moving from head to toe. She'd paired it with a delicate sapphire necklace and drop earrings, choosing to wear her hair in a sleek up-do so the bride's gorgeous brown curls would be the star of the entire day.

Seeing Carson in a kilt was worth every moment she'd spent preparing for the day. She grinned when he finally appeared, his bowtie slightly crooked but his smile firmly in place. Her mind immediately went to their evening, hoping she'd have some time to see him in that kilt before the festivities ended. She knew when he saw her because his smile turned to cheeky as he passed. Sarah settled back into her seat with Carson's sisters-in-law, knowing that her message had been received.

The wedding proceeded without a hitch, and Kenneth was soon a married man. The reception and photos passed without a problem, leaving Sarah with plenty of time to get to know Carson's extended family. They had questions for her, especially since Moira had talked so much about her, and she managed to field them adequately. Still, she was relieved when Calum came to rescue her for a dance. After that, she managed to spend the time with one or the other of Carson's brothers—or Carson himself. As best man, he'd had several different duties and had not been able to stay at her side constantly.

Finally, Sarah returned to Moira's home and slipped into the back garden. She had yet to take off the gown, loving how it swirled around her in the cold night air.

Gentle hands wrapped a soft blanket around her shoulders. Sarah turned as Carson pulled her to him for a kiss. He still wore his wedding finery—minus the crooked bow tie—and didn't seem to be affected by the evening's cold. When he pulled back, he stared into her eyes. "Ye shouldnae be out here without a coat."

Sarah snuggled into his chest. "I've got you for that."

He chuckled and pulled her closer. Sarah allowed his heat to warm skin that had been chilled even though she hadn't really given much thought to her decision to escape outdoors. It had been a way for her to get a few moments alone. Though, now that Carson had arrived, she decided she didn't want to be alone.

He finally shifted so that they stood side-by-side, staring up at the stars. "There's somethin' I wanted ta talk with ye about, love."

The nervous tone in his voice brought her head from his shoulder. Most people wouldn't have picked up on it, but she knew him better than most. "Carson?"

He smiled. "Och, dinnae worry. 'Tis nothin' terrible." His accent had thickened over the last week, and Sarah had given up on not talking like him. It was natural after all this time to look somewhat embarrassed when it happened, but Carson's obvious delight helped her realize he wouldn't become upset. Ever.

Now, he reached into the pocked of his tux jacket and pulled out a small object. The ring lay in his hand as he held it out to her. "I know we've talked about forever, but today, with Kenneth, made me think it's time ta make it official. I know we'll have ta return ta Pegasus, that we'll face things that no one here can imagine. But I want ta do that wi' ye at my side." When she blinked up at him, he smiled. "Marry me, Sarah."

Everything they'd gone through—everything they'd _survived__—_played through her head. They'd laughed together, cried together, and had been the anchor the other needed to get through their life. It wasn't one for every person, but it was theirs. And she knew that her reservations about marriage and the fear that her life would turn out like her mother's had faded the longer she'd known Carson. "I'd love to do that, Carson." Then, she grinned. "Yes!"

His smile, reserved as it had been, blossomed on his face as he slid the ring onto her finger. Sarah turned her hand so that the diamond solitaire and platinum band caught the moonlight and dim light from the house. "It's beautiful!"

"You're beautiful." His soft voice pulled her eyes from the ring he'd placed on her finger. "An' I'm so very lucky to have ye."

Sarah pulled his head down, giving him a searing kiss. "I'm the lucky one, Carson. If you hadn't survived that Sunday, I wouldn't be here, now."

He nodded. "Aye. An' I'm so happy I did."

They stayed in the garden for a few more moments before moving inside to a warmer location. The family that had chosen to stay with Moira had all retired for the night, and Carson led Sarah to their room, closing the door on the world. Later, as she lay wrapped in his arms, she smiled at the ceiling. No matter what the Pegasus galaxy threw at them, they would survive it. And they would thrive.

And they'd do it together.

~The End~


End file.
